I am new here. My post is not a health question. I hope that it is ok. I just want to share my experience online to connect with others.
I am about to turn 44- and not really looking forward to it. Five years ago I had two miscarriages, due to natural pregnancies; I had just turned 40 after the second miscarriage, I had no health problems, other than coeliac disease for which I have been following a rigorous diet for over 20 years and has never been an issue. We started our IVF journey with some hope. Nearly four years, 4 rounds of IVF and 5 frozen embryo transfers later- still no baby, and very little hope left. In the next few months we are hoping to implant our last embryo, which is the only euploid of our last batch- I am just waiting on the results of some uterus lining tests and then we will be able to plan a date for that. In the meantime I have lost any interest in my job, friends or family- and, of course, 'lost' a lot of money on the way too. I go to work everyday, talk to friends and colleagues, try and exercise and eat well, practice mindfulness and meditation, scream in tears at a councillor, talk to my partner etc., but that simple basic joy that used to colour my life seems to have gone. There is a lot of regret, tears, grief and pure sheer sadness. I make huge efforts to be positive and do positive things- almost too much, I feel that I am actually forcing myself to pull myself together when I have every right to feel low and miserable. Yes, I do feel miserable- and some people feel that I am miserable without even realising it and leave me to it, because it is incredibly hard to simply be for a few minutes with someone who is truly heartbroken. People prefer to listen to and to tell themselves stories about heroes, about fighters who in the end win despite the odds. I am not going to win against the odds, this is how it feels right now. And maybe this is how it has to be at this stage of our IVF journey, which, as you all can imagine, is soon to end.
I am posting here to connect maybe with women who are feeling similar stuff - because I find talking to other people who do not have this type of problem incredibly hard. I don't feel they understand or want to understand the pain, the suffering that comes with this- people want hope, they want to hear that you are ok and that things will get better, that there will be an end to the misery soon. I don't blame them at all - but I need to connect with people out there, so if you are there, let me know. I want to believe that we are loved and we are not alone. Thank you.
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Bettyjoy
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Awh pet, well I’ve only just started this head wreck of a journey and can only imagine that the longer you are on this road the more you want to be already at your destination . 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐
Probably a stupid question , but have you spoken to your gp about your loss of joy? You sound depressed by it all which is totally understandable . 😞Hard to see the wood for the trees when nothing but big fat tree trunks/ obstacles are in your way.😣
Should you get a new counsellor?
Maybe you are even just tired/exhausted of trying to make yourself feel better?
Do you have anything non ivf related things planned to do ?
Maybe you need to stop all of these things and go learn a new hobby and meet new friends?
Do you maybe need to just STOP ‘Doing ‘ and allow yourself to stop and reflect and properly move on🤷🏼♀️ just a suggestion .....
Is there anything that lifts your heart?( ocean, ice cream , baths, gin?)
I’ve decided that if ivf doesn’t work I’m getting a dog and two cats and going on three holidays a year . I won’t adopt as our situation would not be accepted . Husband works away a lot.
Have you looked at a life after if it doesn’t work ? Can your counsellor help you look beyond ivf . Both the good and bad?
For the record, I’ve now decided to keep my ivf chat to a minimum with people who don’t get it.
The ladies on this wall get everything!
A massive help!
I’m sure others with alllll of your heartache symptoms can help you .
I can relate to parts of it and all I can say is.
It is hard. It is lonely . But this is my life right now, I am still living . I am not sick. Nobody has died. It is shit. But it is not a permanent situation . Just part of a journey towards a hope. It is not guaranteed . But I want to look back and be glad I tried rather than look back and regret what I didn’t try .
Maybe it’s ok for you to stop now? If it is too much?
Thank you!Really appreciate your words and spirit! Just knowing that you are here and you ‘get me’ and get what I am saying it is a massive help- and I really appreciate your suggestions- and believe it or not I have tried them all already 😱😂
Have you done something like a skydive or abseil or something fund raiser to focus on others? Even a bake off at work or something ?
Hi Bettyjoy,
Your word speak volumes to all of us here.It is like a virtual hug.🤗Noone in gets it like everyone here.Can I give you a big hug from another who feels exactly how you do.🤗
Hi I’m new here as well,I’m 43 I had ivf done in 2015 well of course it didn’t work but make a long story short.I got my tubes untied Dec 15 so we really start trying this month,it’s hope and just keep having faith it will happen,It is a headache cause I’m doing things like keeping up with ovulation they I didn’t have to do when I was younger,So keep hope alive I’m here if u need to talk more.
Hey there Bettyjoy....I think you've done a wonderful job of telling it like it is...of writing about the really hard stuff...where your life is constantly on hold. You've had a long journey with losses....thats really hard
All I can say is that I understand how hard it can be to sometimes find the joy....and I can see from your username that you are always working towards finding joy.
So sending huge hugs...please keep on trying to find the joy...some days will be easier than others....find the people who make you feel better and avoid the ones who don't. Surround yourself with the good stuff....take care of yourself...love your partner....keep going.
I absolutely hear you and I completely understand. I am just about to turn 45 and we are in the 2ww of our 4th and last cycle.
The closest we got was 18montha ago when I had a chemical preg after a 5dt, the other 2 were both 3dt with the last one not even developing past day 2 properly but they put it back anyway because I only had one. We've never had enough to freeze only ever getting 4eggs collected in any one go.
Last year I got bottom, and everything you have described was me. I don't know what happened but I went into this one with more of an attitude of acceptance for whatever happens and have been much better than previously........until today when I think I'm just a bit overwhelmed by the potential finality of it all.
Try to keep strong. Have you tried Mindful IVF app, it has helped me get a bit of calm if only for 10mins a day.
Wishing you the very best for this cycle and hopefully you will have happy news xxxx
Hi Bettyjoy, you are not alone. I am 42 and am going to my second ivf cycle. Sending you lots of good vibes. X
Hello Bettyjoy
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I had a very similar journey to you. After 4 rounds we moved to donor eggs and I thought that we would be set immediately then. Our first round with donor eggs failed and i had to take time off work. I was totally broken by it all and just could not carry on without something changing. I did counselling and a mindfulness course, and just took time to hug myself and my husband. We then tried again and got our first ever positive which was amazing. To finally see those two lines. We were over the moon to know that it was actually possible for it to happen. Unfortunately that turned out to become two empty sacs and we had to take pills to bring on a miscarriage. However, we still had 3 eggs left in the freezer (the donor cycle gave us 6 whereas with my own eggs we had a maximum of 2 and worst case was an abandoned cycle due to lack of any follicle response). Our 3rd attempt with donor eggs is now the reason why I am awake at 6am and 7 months into my maternity leave.
You are an amazingly strong lady to have got this far. Don't give up but do be kind to yourself. I really found kineseology a help to me. We all find something that just clicks with us.
Sending you a big enveloping virtual hug. Please message if you would like to chat. Xxx
Hey. Firstly congrats on getting some frozen lil ones - mine only ever lasted to day 3. I was 44 when doing IVF. I am toutmring UK at the moment with my 9 week old bundle of love. It can happen I had natural killer cells test. I was positive and had a drug that transplant patients have to help them not reject. This can happen at 44. Listen to some positive audio meditations - I hadn't done before ivf but felt in a much better head space.
Same here. I'm 42, hurtling towards 43. I've had three failed IVF cycles, the last one was two empty sacs and I had to have surgery and just has time off work. I feel I need more time as physically I don't feel ok after all this.
I'd never in a million years considered donor eggs, but after the hell that was 2019 and constantly crying, and all my friends pregnant or had their families, I couldn't care less anymore. I've started the process and come hell or high water I'm going to try and be pregnant this year. It's either that way or no way as far as I can see. Can't believe I was so stupid and left it so late. Apparently my friend says there are loads of kids in school conceived this way. What is normal anymore and as long as the child is loved. You don't have to tell anyone about it.
I need to do something or my marriage is going to be destroyed.
It's good to hear other people's stories so I know I'm not alone. Good luck with the next stage. X
Maisie 234... I know what you mean. I beat myself up about having left it too late, and i know it is not helpful, and i try to send those thoughts away but they come back. And i share your pain around your fear for your marriage... My partner and I are trying counselling now... you are not alone - as you can see- and you are loved- all the very best
Hey all, I so know how you all feel. I've just turned 43, had one natural miscarriage, one failed IVF (nothing at collection) second IVF was amazed to have 5 eggs that all fertilised and got to day 5. Two good grades transferred BFN, the other 3 were just a little too small to freeze. Third IVF switched to IUI -BFN and I'm currently on day 11 of stims. Had a scan on Wed and only 1 possibly two follicles growing, find out today if they have continued to grow. Feeling so anxious which I know doesn't help. Its so lovely to hear from you all who knows what its like I feel like Im on a roller coaster and cant get off. xxx
All the very best for today - it is impossible not to be anxious, and yes you are on a roller coaster! Sending you much love ! As we can all see...We are not alone!
Yep! Me. I'll be 44 in April, and never had a positive test. Spent my 20's and half my 30's being paranoid about getting pregnant, and the last 6 desperate to get pregnant. Life is cruel sometimes. I've moved to donor eggs as hopefully more successful, but just had a failure with that on Wednesday too. Am still hopeful there will be a success story in my future, but also trying to think about about what my life looks like it that doesn't happen, and who I want to be.
Wishing you all the best with your IVF - I did 6 rounds and got nothing worth freezing, but in the end I think sometimes having your own embryos and that hope is probably worse than knowing your eggs are basically shrivelled and useless as in my case!
IVF is cruel, and not the panacea everyone believes it to be. Keep sharing on here, we do understand.
Hey, I can join this group too! Totally understand how you feel. I am on day 5 of stims of my 4th cycle and turn 43 next month. In the past 4 years I have had a natural BFP but MMC blighted ovum and surgical management, followed by nothing for 2 years, then a failed IVF round, round 2 was a bfp but MMC I lost at 9 weeks, surgical management that failed so another surgery 4 weeks later, bled in total for 11 weeks, then surgery for a septum removal, 3rd round BFN, then natural miracle BFP in September but diagnosed as MMC at just under 6 weeks. This is over the space of 4 years. like others I have never had enough to freeze and have only made it to day 5 on one round.
I have lost all sense of who I once was, I rediscover her every so often, like on holiday when we forget about TTC for a week, but then when I am back I get down again. I would say I function through life. Everyone thinks I am fine.. I am always the strong one who doesn't need help after all.. the expectation is I support my sister and her 15 month old nephew as she finds it tough, and my ageing parents.. because thats my role in life.
I have zero interest in work, they have no idea what I have been through over the past years, I have taken one week off and worked through all my surgeries, MC etc. I am constantly waiting to be found out. I am in sales and I still hit my targets by some miracle so they think I am working hard. I sit for hours staring at my laptop or doing sudoku I have no mojo for anything else. I avoid social situations with anyone I know apart from my partner. I can't bear the 'what have you been up to' chat when I just want to cry and tell everyone but can't. I struggle to feel happy for all those pregnant women out there and its so painful to even walk in town surrounded by prams and pushchairs. Giving up my seat on the tube on my daily commute to a 'baby on board' badge is like a sucker punch weekly. that was me, it should be me but isn't me. Yet.
I hate IVF and TTC for robbing me of the old me. I love wine and nights out, but I can't drink. I love my horse and she is my sanity, but I can't ride. I love the long haul travel thats included in my job, but i've had to stop it because of sticky blood. All my favourite things have been taken away from me. And all the time I am waiting for someone to say the words 'its not going to happen its too late' which prevents any positivity, in fact I know they are going to say it any minute now, but I no matter how hard I try I can't get my head round it.
I am afraid I don't have a solution, but I wanted to say you aren't alone. I am not sure its even depression its just a mental state you have to be in to get through this day in day out. I really hope this hug I am sending finds its way to you, and I really really hope you get your happy ending xx
OMG thank you so much for this- so many of your words could be mine! I spend my days staring at a laptop, scrolling mindlessly through social media (sudoku sounds way better!), and funnily enough I do something similar to sales, but I haven’t been meeting my targets, and yet my employer has been super understanding, to the point that I almost feel I am taking advantage of them or i don’t deserve their support! And this probably comes from my shattered self esteem and confidence. I hate that question ‘What have you been up to?’ in social situations, because let’s face it, good intentioned interviewer, do you really want me to answer that? I used to enjoy the odd glass of wine with friends and now, even if i have it between cycles, I feel guilty and reproach myself for ‘giving up hope’ and not following a strict regime of no wine- no sugar- no dairy- no meat i had created for myself. Social life has gone, mostly because i do not have anything to say to people, nothing to give to be honest. And our relationship is suffering too. And yes, i ask myself daily: am i depressed? And you Daisy1245 couldn’t be more right: it is a horrific mental state that we have to go through, that is all. I do think that if we go through the suffering and survive this, we can do absolutely anything and I mean anything, with the rest of our lives. Thank you for sharing yourself with me and I wish you all the very best with this cycle- super hug to you amazing woman!
Bless you, it does help to know you aren't weird and other people are feeling like it doesn't it - although still doesn't make it any easier. I think guilt is a huge thing too, I feel guilty about depriving my partner of a child, I feel guilty about the fact I am a miserable cow bag all the time, and our relationship is definitely suffering, I feel guilty about being a perceived bad friend because I never contact people and rebuff their nights out, I feel guilty because I get angry that everyone else in the world can have a baby (it feels) but not me, and I feel guilty for begrudging people BFPs and it being 'easy' for them, I feel guilty about lack effort of work but they have no idea about my TTC issues because it would impact my career - and whilst I have no desire to be there as a career woman I have grudgingly accepted I may end up being, which then sends me into another load of trauma because I don't want to be doing THIS job forever but what job do I want to do? because I don't have a 'calling' or anything.. I have put my life on hold for so long and keep saying I will stop doing it, but then don't 'just in case'. I tried joining a forum about being childless, and I tried counselling but my brain won't let me accept it. I tried yoga, meditation, mindfulness etc too. But it just makes me too sad.
Literally my head is exploding so I do nothing, just sit, and stare and exist at times (although no one on the outside would realise that! In fact if you asked most people I know they would probably say I have a gifted life and don't have a care in the world!)
Really help if nothing else it helps to know its normal (well normal for me and you anyway 😘) xx
Wow this post and all the comments have really touched me. There’s so much I can relate to. I’m not quite in my 40’s yet but I will be turning 40 in March and have been trying for a family for the past 6 years. We have just had our 6th consecutive BFN after our 5th and final fresh cycle with my own eggs and I’m struggling to pick myself up off the floor. Our history is unexplained infertility, poor embryo development, only ever got a blasto once and nothing to freeze. Been pregnant lots of times, always falling naturally which just seems to add to the headf*@ck as each time it’s impossible not to think it’s finally our time to be one of THOSE couples you hear about that get lucky against the odds. Absolute elation. Then follows the loss, disappointment, heartbreak and sadness. I have learnt a lot about myself along the way and like you I apply a lot of different things I never used to do, to help me live more positively day-to-day. But there is still that underlying sadness. I feel the same about socialising and also dread the “what have you been up to?” question. My self-esteem and confidence has also taken a beating, especially at work and that has only recently been something I’ve felt able to work on gradually after getting a new line manager who is amazing (after many years with one who had zero empathy and just made me feel shit about myself and any time I took off for IVF or after my miscarriages). Similar to what you said my counsellor mentioned yesterday about how much strength it takes to keep surviving despite prolonged grief & suffering. And that although she appreciates it might not be any consolation/helpful to hear now, she thinks I’ll be able to handle anything that life throws at me in future. And I do believe that to be true. Thanks for reaching out and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I have definitely felt the benefit of connecting with others who “get it”, and have found this forum a godsend. I just wanted to send you a huge understanding hug and wish you the best of luck with your upcoming transfer xxx
My counsellor today said same thing . It’s just hard to get the joy part when everything is a bit rubbish . Doing things to make ya feel a bit more joyful help but are temporary. The only thing I’ve found to really help is that phrase about , when you can’t change anything the only thing to do is change your attitude . Trying to avoid the doom attitude or pity parade.
I’ve also been looking at CBT things online , some good thoughts there for those of us who seem to be on the endurance tracks.
I’ve decided that this journey will be the marathon of my life. I was never a long distance runner so running isn’t an option . When I sprint I fall , so I figure, I’m just going to walk . I’ve accepted a plodder approach , all I know is, if I keep putting one foot in front of the other , I will get there. I have also accepted that by the time I finish the journey ....the destination may not look the same as it did when I began . I do know I will be glad and sad when the journey is over . Praying that I can preserve some strength to accept whatever my lot will be.
OK so I'm not 40 (just turned 39 hope that's OK) but I wanted to let you know that I totally relate to everything you say. I'm currently on cycle 3 and feeling utterly drained by it all. My third cycle in a year. Had my first ever bfp last cycle but sadly ended in mmc just hours before my 39th birthday in December. Like you my hope is dwindling. Discovered our baby had rare full trisomy 9. Still left wondering if its because I'm too old and I caused her abnormalities. There's literally nothing wrong with me and on paper im an ivf dream despite being 39 after all the tests I've had. Very discouraged my first ever pregnancy ended this way. We have male factor infertility.
First cycle 18 eggs, second cycle 13 eggs. Sounds great doesn't it. Nope. bfn first cycle, second cycle only 1 embryo made it to day 5. Pretty depressing. We have really poor sperm quality following VR.
Ivf is a huge financial and emotional strain not to mention the impact on your relationship and mental wellbeing. The fear of never knowing what's ahead or whether we'll ever accomplish our dream. Nobody can ever truly understand unless they've suffered infertility or yearn for that child that never seems to come. It's a grief all by itself. I'll scream if one more person says can't you just adopt!?!? Or, when you relax it'll just happen!?! WTAF.
Wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone. I find it exceptionally hard to hear people talk about their kids, hard to swallow the fact my partner has children prior to his vasectomy, hard to see pregnant women, mothers with babies. It makes me choke up and my eyes sting. The pain is real.
It's a personal choice but I can never give up chasing motherhood. I think you're incredibly strong to have endured more than one miscarriage. I don't have any pearls of wisdom I'm sorry but I wanted to reach out at the very least.
I'm sure there are lots of ladies on here who can word these things better than me and say something useful. This site has helped me so much at some of my lowest points. Keep talking to us on here x
Oh Jessy1280- sending you all the love in the world. So so sorry about your ms in December- again, your words describe so well what i - and many others here! - have been feeling and experiencing. Thank you for reaching out- we are not alone and we can under-stand and support each other!
ps: I don’t know if this is helpful: my partner has been taking vitamin C every day and his sperm analysis definitely improved...
Thank you for your reply. Sadly my partner doesn't see the point in taking supplements even though I've bought him a ton. They sit unused on his bedside table. Bought him 2000mg omega 3, 1000mg vitamin c, wellman, fertilaid and Dr pixie mckennas fertility sachets.
During our recent consultation, I sought support from our Dr to encourage my partner to take them and she out of nowhere suggested that my partner has a partial blockage (without conducting any investigations) and told him nothing can be done to improve sperm quality. I was and still am livid over that! As a result he's dug his heels in more. He has children already and thinks what will be will be. For me, nothing could be further from the truth. Thanks for the suggestion though xx
Sending much love and plenty hugs from here. Today is my 3rd day after embryo transfer. My appointment with be on the 4th of March which is my 42nd birthday.
I had 2 failed IVF, 3 failed IUI.
This approach to parenthood can be extremely painful sometimes but you know what It has humbled me as a person and made me to see life from another perspective. When there is life, there is hope.
Reading your post in tears, because that's exactly how I feel in the last few weeks after our third ICSI failed. All embryos were abnormal and the doctor made it clear that the results were due to the quality of the eggs, so as not to try again with my eggs themselves, even though we started this journey because my husband has 100% abnormal sperm. And today, to help, one of my best friends told me that she was pregnant. She married after me and started trying only last year. I was happy for her and sad for me. Even these advertisements about Mother's Day make me very upset. Maybe I will never celebrate that day and receive a hug or a letter from my children. It has been so hard to accept that.
MissSunshine77- I am so sorry for your pain. You are not alone, we are not alone. And in mysterious ways we are loved- even if it is hard to believe it at times.
Your not alone. I'm 44. Just like everyone said it emotionally and mentally as well chemically a headwreck roller coaster. For the last few months I've been working on bringing attention back to me. A bit like Marie kondondo, finding what sparks joy in my life and following those breadcrumbs.
Its not a easy but with or without children life still ours to live.
The entire process of IVF is such a weight to bear. I hope you can find the joy in your life to accept whatever happens you have sacrificed a lot and deserve to be happy. 🙏 ❤
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