Advice on dealing with other people having babies whilst you are going through IVF

[Foxgloves88]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is common with everyone, but was hoping for some tips on how to cope whilst other people are having children!

Most of our friends have children now (we are in our late 30s) but finding it particularly difficult as I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle and my sister in law gave birth today. I do always feel happy for anyone that's pregnant or just become new parents but finding this particularly hard, even looking at the photos today is really tough, you feel guilty for feeling this way!

Any tips? Or is it just wish the person and their child happiness, whilst you focus on your journey!

Thanks and all the best to everyone xx

[Endofitall]

I think the only tip I can give is to be kind and understanding to yourself. What you’re feeling is valid and normal. Make sure you have some time and space to protect yourself too.

I know what you mean that all my friends are of an age they are having their 2nd or 3rd in the time we’ve been trying for no. 1. Some of the couples hadn’t even met when we started TTC!

Your IVF cycle is really important. Don’t feel guilty for prioritising and focusing on you right now. You don’t need the upset or stress of putting on a face or feeling upset by this. Look after you xx

[Kitkat10]

I felt the same way, it’s a tough time and you are right when you say you try and wish people well and focus on your own journey and try and protect your heart as much as you can at the same time. Know that this is very likely to be temporary and the future is very likely to hold that happiness for you too.

I personally really struggled and regret closing myself away from people during IVF but I couldn’t cope very well at all. Once it was over, I forgave myself and put it down to experience but at the time I really struggled so you are not alone and it’s really natural to feel like this during this time.

It helped me to re-focus on some self centred challenges like running goals or swimming goals so that it sheltered me a bit and I could hang out with friends who didn’t have children.

Give yourself a break, you’ve nothing to feel guilty about. Good luck with everything in the future xx

[Babyluck95]

Hi, I was in a similar situation just a few months ago, my sister gave birth 3 months before I was due, but unfortunately I had a miscarriage so it was really tough, tbh it took me around 7 weeks to go and see her and baby and I know that she understood, the only advice I was given on here which really helped was to just remember its not that baby you want, you want your own baby and just know what your doing is partially getting you there, and it will happen, also just remember time will pass and eventually you'll be curious to what they look like and you'll want to go see them! I'm sure I'll be giving myself this advice again in May as my best friend is 19 weeks pregnant but for now I'm slightly getting through it, good luck and wish you all the best ❣️

[Twiglet2]

the guilt over feeling like this was the worst part for me! So I reframed my thinking. I didn’t want THEIR baby or pregnancy I wanted my own. So them being pregnant or having a child in no way affected my chances on my journey so I just had to focus on that. In fact when I was in my toughest times I found a mind exercise that helped a LOT- I imagined there was a list of people who were going to get pregnancy and have babies and I was on the list somewhere so everyone who got pregnant and had a baby was actually moving me closer to the top of that list. It helped me be genuinely happy for people a little more, but more importantly feel less guilty as I had been secretly resenting people and being angry about pregnancy announcements which made me feel awful (especially after my cousin lost a baby and I had felt that way about her announcement a few months before I just couldn’t go on with how I felt about the announcements anymore for my own sake!).

What it didn’t help with was going to family parties as the only one without a child and getting the questions about when we were going to have one etc or just feeling left out so if I had to decline invites to things or leave early I just did and stopped feeling guilty about it as protecting your mental health is important and these feelings are very valid! 💜 best of luck with your cycle and please do what you need to to protect your own feelings too 🤗 xx

[BenjitheG in reply to Twiglet2]

Completely agree about the children’s parties Twiglet2 - I accidentally ended up going to one (visiting a friend) and it caused me to have a big panic attack which is not something I had had before. Absolutely one to avoid unless you’re feeling incredibly strong.

[BenjitheG]

Firstly big hug to you Foxgloves88 that’s a lot of emotions to process especially when you are on the emotional rollercoaster that is IVF. I echo what others have said and that the most important thing is be kind to yourself.

A few things that have really helped me (I’m 8 years into this so far and have felt these emotions many times);

1) I have found a short meditation helpful when I have felt overwhelmed.

2) Know that you can feel multiple emotions at once, you can feel happy for them but find it hard and tricky that your not quite there yet, that’s absolutely ok.

3) When your having a good day you can (only if you feel comfortable) reach out and say your happy for them but your not in the right place to see them just at the moment.

4)If loads of pictures feels overwhelming mute posts for them for a while so your not bombarded with images.

5) and this may be left field but find an activity or a group where family announcements or news won’t come up. For me being creative in a community garden space has really helped when I’m struggling as almost everyone is retired and I just get a break from thinking about it for a few hours. This has really helped especially at times when I’m facing similar announcements.

Wishing you all the very best in this cycle of IVF. x

[Shravani_ovi]

Yes same happening with me. Its not jealousy but looking others with there babies is quite hard at this moments. Its just like i also want the same but its not happening somehow.Happens all the time with me.