My boss keeps talking about her pregnancy

[Cridog]

Hello everyone,

I know this is something that many of you have encountered - and I often read about it on this group.

Last year I went through my first IVF, which failed. We took this route after many unsuccessful years of TTC. The IVF failure had a huge impact on me - I still don't feel recovered at all and think with horror of trying again and fail (we have a frozen embryo left).

I have recently started a new job, and on the first team meeting my boss (who's about the same age as me) announced that she's pregnant as a surrogate mother for some friends (she has her own child). She made jokes at how at this age they consider pregnant women "geriatric mothers", giving a few details about her upcoming maternity leave, unveiling the identity of the parents later on etc.

She doesn't know about my struggle with infertility and IVF and I didn't feel I had a relationship with her where I could explain my feelings.

However, as her pregnancy progresses, it seems that she speaks a lot about this now. I appreciate very much what she does for her friends and helping them start "their family", but it's also a hugely painful reminder of what I don't - and possibly never will - have.

I'm not sure how to bring this with her, I'm still in the very beginning stage of my new job and I can see that she really wants everyone to know about what she is doing - which I appreciate, but I struggle immensely.

Obviusly, there is no way of not attending the team meetings, as they aren't optional, but I wish I could just shut my ears. I can even feel how my face changes when she starts mentioning about it (and everyone asking questions, congratulating etc.) and I feel almost like starting crying instantly.

I know lots of people have been in similar situations, so I'd appreciate hugely if you can share how you dealt with it.

Take care!

[Crazy_girl]

You’ll definitely be lot more comfortable in people talking about it over a period of time. I agree it is immensely challenging to go through this but try thinking about it this way that there are so many others in the same situation as her as well as you.

Everyone has their time and will definitely happen when it’s all lined up for you. This journey is making you stronger by the day. For sure no one is required to go through this but in some cases life doesn’t give much choice.

Here’s wishing you the very best. You will be able to handle it better by the day and you’ll also be pregnant. Try to concentrate more on the belief than what it is now. Good luck.

[Christianbaby]

It sounds like you're in a tough spot, especially with the added challenge of being in a new job and feeling hesitant about discussing your struggles with your boss. It's understandable that you might feel overwhelmed by her openness about her pregnancy, even though her intentions are likely positive.

While it may feel daunting, it might be worth considering finding a moment to have a private conversation with her. You don't have to go into detail if you're not comfortable, but just letting her know that you're going through a difficult time personally and would appreciate it if she could be mindful of certain topics during team meetings could make a big difference.

In the meantime, please remember to be kind to yourself. It's okay to step away from situations that trigger your emotions and take a moment to breathe. Good luck. x

[Cridog in reply to Christianbaby]

Thanks so much for sharing yout thoughts, really appreciate it. It feels a bit tricky at the moment to have a personal conversation, especially as I'm still trying to "prove" myself in the new job. But yes, I fully agree: her intentions are very positive.

[Fruitandflowers]

Very tricky. I'm not sure there's a right answer here. I've been in your situation - while I was miscarrying for the second time after IVF, I had to sit through a virtual meeting with my boss telling me about his wife's birth story. He and she had obviously been quite traumatised by it, and his wife was a colleague so it wasn't as weird as it sounds, but I was trying so hard to listen and be sympathetic whilst just desperate for my internet to fail so I could throw myself on the floor and sob for the feelings it was triggering in me. Then in what felt like every meeting one of them talked about their baby, and a lot of the other people in the team had children so it seemed for a while a bit them and us. And for years I just shut down the pregnancy talk as quickly as possible by trying to come across entirely uninterested or changing the subject. Then when IVF finally worked I didn't tell anyone at work for a very long time - it was still semi lockdown and I could work remotely. I did have to eventually but I was partly afraid it would end and I didn't want anyone to know, and as it progressed I didn't want to upset anyone, especially some of the juniors in the team who were female, often single, or colleagues of a similar age who had never mentioned children and I didn't know their situation. This time, I have a new team, I'm a boss and I'm in the office and I 'hid it' as long as possible again, to the point I think they probably thought it was weird. I don't want to upset anyone but it's so obvious now and people ask, often in front of others, and they want or expect you to discuss the 'nice' news. I don't know if I have the balance right but it is definitely possible to raise it sensitively, to not bring it up often (it's not really a work topic!) and to answer questions thoughtfully and mindful of who's listening and where you may not know their situation. Personally, if someone was upset at how I was communicating or how often, I would be a bit mortified obviously, but also so impressed and humbled at the courage it took to tell me. And if they didn't feel comfortable talking to me direct, I'd want someone else to have a private word with me. Is there someone else in your team, or maybe HR, or a mentor that you could talk to? They don't have to say who it is that asked, just say it's been brought up and could they be mindful of it in work meetings. Your boss is probably completely oblivious and it's not that your asking to stop all pregnancy and baby related talk - that's just not realistic - more that they may need to be a bit more mindful and considered in what and when they discuss non-work matters.

[Cridog in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I appreciate it hugely. It really seems very considerate of you and I'm sure my boss is completely oblivious of what effect can have, but gosh, do I struggle. Not sure how I can bring this with her as I believe she also tries to normalise being a surrogate mother. I feel really conflicted about how to approach this.

[Fruitandflowers in reply to Cridog]

Yes, she probably has a lot that she's struggling with too and normalising surrogacy is a very important thing, so it's a very unusual situation. One thought: if she's acting as a surrogate for friends, presumably she's acutely aware of their fertility struggles and she will have 'lived it' with them and seen how devastating and hard it can be, so it may be that she's quite understanding, and receptive to any conversations about how it's making you feel. Talking about it a lot may be her way of heading off awkward assumptions and reminding everyone she won't actually be keeping the baby, which is understandable, but equally once a certain group of people know that I doubt they'd forget and if she knows that you're supportive of what she's doing, but also that you (or others) are feeling a bit triggered by the frequent mentions, she might be able to be a bit more mindful.