I’m so down and anxious today really struggling. I can’t think of anything else but fertility and my struggling relationship. I am bleeding black gritty blood as a reminder.
I had a negative test two days ago from a fresh transfer where we only got one embryo. . After the negative I drank wine and even smoked cigarettes stupidly. Mind is boggled and I feel helpless and desperate.
This was our second nhs go, our first we had nothing to freeze. This is probably our last go on the nhs as my fsh levels are likely to now be too high. I am 40 in a couple of months. I thought I did everything I could for the last cycle in terms of vitamins, diet, acupuncture and yoga etc
I was offered calcium ionophore at the last minute for our 4 eggs and agreed to this add on. Not much information on was given to us but I decided to go for it. Dr Tim Child answered a question on it on his webinar last night which confirmed my suspicion and I don’t think it was appropriate for our situation and it degraded the other three eggs. I am angry this was offered to us when I don’t think we needed it … and that I was asked if i wanted it on the night of my trigger injection ( I was called by the doctor)
I want to move to private but money is an issue. I teacher currently working on a supply contract and my husbands job isn’t that secure at the moment and he’s paying back debt with his wage. I will be covering the ivf with my minimal savings. I don’t know what my work situation is going to be moving forward - and while I’m part time and can take unpaid days off when I need them at the moment… this could change by April, plus I’m thinking I need to up my hours to fund ivf. Even though this is more stress.
I just feel so lost and confused by everything - part of me feels i need to just get another round in as soon as possible but the other feels that I need time to get myself and him in better shape (how, I dont know) and plan another round for june/July - maybe trying naturally for the mean time …..but my eggs are just getting older. It’s so hard to keep him on an even keel health wise, I also think we need a break for the sake of our relationship but I just don’t feel I have the time
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Cuppppatea
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This is such a hard time for you. I have no idea about the add-on treatment you were offered but if it was NHS I would be surprised if they suggested something risky or that doesn't have much evidence behind it (as they are so risk averse and generally not very keen to try new things) so don't feel guilty please. That doesn't mean it was the best thing for your individual circumstances and I've found my local NHS clinic absolutely useless (even when I paid privately) and wish I'd never bothered. Maybe it's just that mine is especially poor (it does have pretty bad stats) would only go private now - easy to say and I totally understand how financially this can be pretty ruinous, but the delays and poor service (plus sometimes downright dangerous situations I've been put in) I just couldn't do it again. Perhaps look at funding options? We went with a 2 cycle package which made it a lot cheaper than the clinic's own prices. Not that you actually have to go through with it, more maybe start making enquiries - some have age cutoffs so maybe better to have something in place before 40? And ask what the clinic could do differently and realistic chances before deciding. On how you're feeling, infertility and IVF are such hard things to go through, physically and mentally. The stress is huge. And perhaps there are super resilient couples out there that breeze through unharmed, but sadly this has not been the case for us. Every disappointment, loss, delay, failure, massive invoice... the hormones you're pumped with, the partner feeling helpless and side-lined whilst simultaneously brushing it all off as if it's not their problem and threatening no more rounds, no they won't take the supplements, there's nothing wrong with them... cue: resentment, bitterness, questioning why you're even doing this, should you actually have a baby with this person, what happened to the two of you, when did you become 'this'?... so depressing but I think also so normal. And are we fixed because we did manage to have a baby? Nope, and a baby brings a whole load of other stresses and pressures and we have mentioned the D word, a lot. And am I all healed? Nope - 18 years of gynae issues and painful treatments, 10 years of infertility, in 3 years I've had 3 rounds of IVF, 1 BFN, 5 pregnancies and only 1 (possibly two soon, naturally conceived for the first time ever) have made it, and I'm about to turn 40, in a very precarious relationship and no savings, just debt. I'm not sure I could ever have gotten myself into any shape to make all that better or prepare myself (and honestly I gave up on the whole strict diet and giving stuff up thing v early in this process - it made no difference).*but* I have this extra joy in my life now too and something else to love, and to concentrate on. And I would do it all over.
You must be very strong to have gotten this far and don't forget that or doubt yourself. Things will be OK, perhaps not Disney wonderful, but fine. So go with your gut and try not to regret x
Hey - Thanks so much for your message, What funding options do you mean?
How you have described is is so accurate…I also resent my husband a little bit for holding back all those years with the ‘I’m not ready’ card and flip flopping. Im furious with myself I let it get to this stage. Im angry I prioritised getting married 3 years ago over having a baby - but how was i supposed to know I would end up this way.
yep… brushing it all off as if it's not their problem and threatening no more rounds, no they won't take the supplements, there's nothing wrong with them...
There are packages for private IVF that are often insurance backed - some will do things like you pay £X for 2 rounds and if you have a baby in the first you don't get the second round (so technically you've paid for more than you actually needed) or some offer multiple rounds for £X and you keep going until you have a baby, and many include a money-back option so if you don't have a baby, you get some or all your money back. But the better packages tend to be subject to assessment and age restrictions. We went with a 2 package cycle, which included unlimited FETs - we were lucky that our first FET worked so we didn't get another round included, but it still worked out cheaper than one round and one FET if we'd just paid the clinic direct. Don't think we're meant to mention specific company names on here but Google should give you the main providers, or DM me. And try not to be angry at yourself - we started trying 10 years ago and it's only worked recently so it didn't help us starting sooner. Although we could have started in our 20s I guess, but I didn't even want children at that stage and it wouldn't have been the right thing then. And you have no idea what life will throw at you.
Hi, sorry for what you are going through. My inbox is always open.
My advice is to allow your body and mind heal...take a couple of months off. During this time, go on holiday, maybe see if you can secure long-term teaching post for additional income.
I know you're 40 soon but you are still young enough to have a few good quality eggs. It may take a few rounds of IVF to find that golden egg.
Sorry things aren't getting any easier 💗 the feeling of time pressure is so tough and based on what you've said it sounds like you did do everything in your power, so please don't be hard on yourself for drinking wine and doing what you need to to relax, reducing your stress hormones is absolutely vital and if a glass of wine helped with that, one night is not going to be the determining factor for your next round, i do agree its hard to keep it up though (Im quickly losing weight from just trying to eat healthy but to the point my bmi will be too low for next round nhs ivf if i keep going like this!), perhaps give yourself a couple of weeks to explore the realistic options for you and your partner, it's such a trying time for relationships 💗 xx
Hi Cuppppatea , I feel very sorry to read your struggle, and I relate to you so much :(.
I have been also blaming myself in postponing trying for a baby or just have a fertility check up as my husband and I met when i was 35 ( now 39 and ttc for more than 1y) and we had a lots of job challenges and house moves. We were not ready earlier. Anyway, it was meant to go in this way, and i'd never thought and expected that both of us would end up with fertility issues. It's so unfair. Then, I have always been surrounded by friends and close family members getting pregnant naturally after 38 and 40 years old. It's just unfair to go through this to build a family.
We already had 2 failed ICSI, and there was o egg fertilization. The last one happened last week. I understand how devastating and that helplessness feeling.
However, now I stop blaming myself with "what if, I should" ... Everybody has a specific path and timing; everybody is carrying a red card in life. Keep your eyes on the prize. Hopefully, very soon, we can all have a baby.
Trust the doctors but it's important questioning. What else can be done to improve the outcome? What other options do you have ?
For example, in my last cycle, I asked about calcium ionophore, but they don't use it in the clinic. I felt a bit sad because I read research articles where it seems to improve the fertilization rate. Can you share exactly what Dr. Child describe about this ? Why was it detrimental in your case ?
I'd recommend some sport ( e.g I go to the gym 2-3 times/ week which hhels me a lot mentally and physically) and counselling. I just got a referral from the clinic, and I will have my first session in about 2 weeks. So this could help a lot in coping up with our struggle. It should be a safe space to vent off and receive advices.
We are taking a break of 2/3 months before the next attempt. Take some time as well, but check until when you can have the nhs cycle before you turn 40 or 42. I see some boards have different criteria. So be careful.
Money is an issue, I am totally with you; these cycles are so exexpensive, and there is no guarantee. I also want to look into the gaia packages. I saw one clinic abroad with a refund programme ( dm for details). So this could be something to look at it if the next cycle does not work.
I understand it's a big toll on our relationship, I feel I'm not the same, completely deflated especially with friends. I'm not in a mood to see friends in this period. But what I found good for us is just spending time together as a couple. A nice walk, a coffee in a cozy café...simple things for spending quality time together.
It's hard, but don't lose it. You are not alone. Stay strong, and look after yourself and your relationship always . I wish a baby to come soon ❣️
Hey. Just wanted to reach out and empathise with the feelings you described in your post. We're at a similar point and there are definitely things you've said that I can relate to personally. I really feel for you.
The cost issue is terrifying isn't it. I am 41, had the 1 NHS funded cycle we were eligible for and that didnt get as far as a viable embryo, and now I'm faced with the clock, the odds, the cost and the overwhelming feeling of wishing we'd had IVF sooner / that I'd gotten more informed about fertility/egg freezing when I was much younger.
I literally just explored eligibility for IVF financing - I totally don't understand how it works, it seems too good to be true, and I was about to search this forum for posts about people's experience with it (when I saw your post and stopped!). The only one I've looked at o far has been mentioned in a reply above. I think there is a podcast episode on BFN about it.
Hope that's a smidge useful. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and very best of luck x
I’m so sorry. I was let down with nhs and went straight to Access Fertility at CRGH. It was better when I was under 40. I did an egg retrieval at 40 and even though I had good blastocysts I did have a miscarriage last year TTC number 2. It’s so hard but you could do Access Fertility. The only thing is you can’t bank embryos but it does work out cheaper.
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Poor responder and low reserve - feeling hopeless 
Sad, hurt and hopeless 💔
Other’s opinions
Feeling so so sad, BFN today after #firstivfcycle
