struggling with grief

[Dormus01]

hi everyone,

I’ve really been struggling the last five months. I’m 42 and been trying for about 2 years. My partner and I were prevented from trying earlier as I was struggling with vaginismus following trauma. It was a real fight to get myself healed for that and I was so proud of myself for overcoming it. Now I’m fighting unexplained infertility. My partner has ridiculously good quality sperm ( the nurse was amazed), so I’m assuming the problem is me . I’ve also been working through CPSTD caused my childhood trauma the last few years and the grief from that has been immense. I’m currently low contact with my parents and that has been so difficult and lonely. My best friend lives far away and lately I’ve just felt like completely withdrawing from the world. We tried ivf last year and we were lucky enough to create two viable embryos. The first implantation didn’t work out and I felt devastated. The progesterone made me ‘feel’ pregnant and my bbt was really high. I felt so confused because I thought my body was telling me it had worked . After that failed implantation things got really stressful at work and we also started the process of buying the house we had been renting. It was extremely stressful. I would come home, crash and cry. I’d spend most weekends in bed. One day my partner and I got into a massive fight about it all. He really really hurt me and I thought long and hard about leaving him. I saw a life without him and was devastated. I felt so vulnerable, especially as I had relied upon him financially. It has been beyond hard, and I’ve been struggling with terrible depression, anxiety and burnout since. He has been very apologetic and support since, but I’m not in a good way. I’ve been off work since Xmas and I’m scared to go back because of the stress, but equally scared about losing my job. I’m trying my best to look after myself but struggle to leave the house. I can face seeing my friends, but I can make counselling, doctors and accupuncture appointments. Life feels very overwhelming right now. My period is due tomorrow, bbt is going down, it’s always the hardest time.

If anyone can relate I’d love to hear from you. Infertility is just so lonely

[Catwind]

it is lonely and at different points and to varying degrees I’ve felt all of what you’ve felt. You’ve been off for two months, that’s okay. I was once off for longer than that.

If you have the energy, write down what makes you happy even if it isn’t making you happy now. Write what makes you content or and just keep that list beside you. Record small happy things that happen in the day, eg finding something you thought you lost, a nice interaction at the store, favourite song on the radio.

Also you are strong, you’ve been through hardship before, you will get through this.

We are thrown all kinds of things to do for fertility but frankly after a while I found it even more stressful and just decided to stop - and start living. You WILL be okay.

[Dormus01 in reply to Catwind]

Thank you so much for replying. Funnily enough I just wrote a response to a a post someone else had written, and thinking about their struggled reminded me that I also have little ways of coping . Sometimes you just need people to remind you. Sometimes helping someone else makes your own pain easier. I hear your need to just start living….I miss drinking negronis, I miss not having to plot everything around my cycle, I miss the lightness of just being in my body and not questioning every little twinge or drop of blood. I feel that i am in the middle of this and I guess I just have to keep going until the natural conclusion presents itself . I will focus on the little things, getting well and healing. It’s hard that all this difficult stuff has come at once but maybe this period of my life was meant for that.

Thank you again for your kind words and wisdom . It has really helped me today . I’m gonna head out shortly and buy some nice ingredients for a tasty dinner - little thing to look forward too x

[Natasha2012]

I honestly could have written parts of this myself . I am due on tomo and my hormones are crashing . I also had the progesterone pregnant side effects . It was like emotional torture . My relationship I feel like is pretty much over . It’s just done something to me and him . Like you I have had some trauma I lost my darling mum quickly to cancer . It all just feels so hopeless right now . I’m here to chat , pm if you want xx

[Dormus01 in reply to Natasha2012]

Oh Natasha I’m so sorry to hear this, the grief you must be struggling with x I don’t know how to pm you on this website so I’ll just reply here . It’s so hard isn’t it ? Something that I’m realising (for me) I’d that the crap I’ve been dealing with is highlighting all of the weaknesses in my relationships and whilst is been awful and kinda thankful for the opportunity to see things in clear daylight as it means that I can do something about it. It has also highlighted to me that not everyone is willing go to therapy and ‘do the work’, not everyone is willing to put themselves out there and say ‘I’m struggling and need help’ . There was a point when I really thought I would have to end things with my other half, I saw a side to him which I really didn’t like. As horrible as that was it made me realise that I had put myself in a position of financial vulnerability and I won’t do that again. I think I trusted him a bit too much, gave him a bit too much power. He isn’t a bad person, but he is human liable to mistakes and poor decisions, and need to be mindful of that.

Happy to chat further here or via pm if you know how to do that x

I hope things ease for you xx