Struggling today with friend's pregnancy announcement 😔

[Cahoots]

Hello,

There's no real reason for my post, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I've had 3 miscarriages following 3 rounds of IVF in the last 12 months. The most recent one just happened at the beginning of January, when I was 9 weeks.

One of my friends told me this weekend that she's just had a bfp and it wasn't planned. She's only 5 weeks, but she wanted to tell me so she can talk to me about it.

I'm really struggling to deal with the news to be honest as I would've been around 12 weeks by now and it should be me making an announcement 😪

I feel bad because she's obviously just excited and wanted to tell someone, but I just don't think I can cope with her telling me about her pregnancy symptoms right now! 😭

[Minnie92]

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, pregnancy announcements are the worst when you’re struggling yourself. We’ve all been there and it’s like a punch in the gut. It happened during my first cycle of ivf and I was so annoyed she told me in person so I had to act surprised and happy, over text is much kinder as you can process the information alone.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel how you feel. And maybe send her a kind message saying you’re happy for her but right now you can’t listen to her pregnancy symptoms and if she’s a real friend she will understand X

[Cahoots in reply to Minnie92]

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you've been through this too, but it is good to know I'm not alone in how i'm feeling.

It was the same for me - she told me in person and I just wanted to cry, but had to hug and congratulate her! She thought it would be better to do it in person - I guess if you haven't been through loss yourself it's difficult to know what's best, so I don't blame her or anything but yes it was exactly like a punch in the gut!

I think you're right, a polite message explaining how I'm feeling might be the best approach. Thank you x

[Millbanks]

Hi my love,

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages - how utterly heartbreaking.

Does your friend know you're going through IVF and have experienced these?

If she does then that's not ok - and I would be seriously considering if she should remain my friend. If not - maybe you could tell her gently that you are really happy for her but aren't able to support her right now as you have your own stuff going on.

When I was going through multiple failed rounds, so many of my friends became naturally pregnant (mostly the first time of trying) and each time it broke a little piece of my heart - and I had to tell them that I needed space to process it before we met up / talked about it. But essentially I was really happy for them and it did get easier over time.

xx

[Cahoots in reply to Millbanks]

Thanks lovely. It is heart breaking isn't it. This is the 3rd close friend of mine who has got pregnant since I started treatment.

I guess it will get easier with time.

She does know everything about my IVF and miscarriages. She said she felt she wanted to be open with me since I'd been so open with her about the IVF etc. I don't think she meant to upset me at all. I think it's just difficult to understand if you've not been through it yourself. This is why this forum is so helpful!

I think you're right, I need to let her know how I'm feeling and that I need some time to process things x

[Millbanks in reply to Cahoots]

Oh god yes, no matter how empathetic you are, you just can't understand it until you've been through the heartache.

I think be honest with her - it's hard but ultimately you have to protect yourself too. And she knows that it's hard for you but wants to share - so she's already half way there.

When one of my friends told me she was pregnant we were supposed to be meeting that night (she was messaging to tell me she wasn't drinking because they'd started trying) but obviously I clocked it immediately and asked her outright - she'd only done a test that morning - I felt awful that I'd made her tell me.... but I had to cancel the meet up and said I'd be in touch when I was ready. She was so lovely about it all and we're still best of friends xx

[Xmishell37]

Really sorry to hear about your losses it's so hard ❣️ pregnancy announcements are the absolute worst when uv went through what u have experienced 💗 if ur friend wants to talk to u regularly about her pregnancy i dont think its unreasonable to tell her that ur not the best person to listen right now, but explain to her that while Ur delighted for her, ur sad for urself and u need to put urself first right now. I'm in the exact same position and for the last five years almost every one of my friends has had children. They all meet up with their kids and Im literally the only one (and the oldest out of all of us at almost 38) that doesn't which brings so many mixed feelings, I've learned that i dont need to apologise to people for needing my own space, and if I don't feel sociable then I say no to invites without feeling guilty, the social anxiety from IVF is so much worse than anything i could have predicted, do what u need to do for u in the coming months and wish Ur friend well from a distance, hopefully she will understand, but if you've not experienced loss I don't think anyone else can truly understand why u feel the way u do xx

[Doodlebug23]

I hope I don’t sound harsh but I think your friend sounds selfish. To know what you are going through with IVF let alone the losses too, it just seems really insensitive to think that you are the one to be able to talk to her about her pregnancy.

I don’t think people can ever really understand what this journey is like if they haven’t been on it. She’s obviously thought about it to decide telling you in person was best, and I can see how to someone who hasn’t been through IVF, that in person may seem better.

I really struggled with my sisters pregnancy announcement and I hadn’t even started IVF. She told my mum and I in person and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. She was dreading telling me, and I feel so guilty for her feeling like that. I also really struggled with her pregnancy and we did drift apart. But when it came to issues before the birth it was me she turned to and I was there 💯 to reassure her, and now I have an amazing nephew 💙

[Dogbiscuits28]

I have been there too. I am single, broke and made poor job decisions, going through 3 failed rounds of IVF watching my friend get a good job, buy a house and get pregnant naturally with her partner (they now have a 7month baby). It was so hard, and I had to withdraw a bit. She tried to be sensitive but it is hard, and I tried not to mind but of course I did and do.

It has got easier now (although now I am facing 43 with no money for further ivf rounds). I have been honest in my feelings and she has been very kind. I think you have to just say you are happy for them, but it is hard for you. Hopefully they can understand, and you can negotiate on what you can handle hearing about. Big hugs xx