Struggling. Any advice?

[PinkCat22]

hello everyone,

I did 3 egg collections last year and one (failed) transfer. I’ve got endometriosis and adenomyosis and unfortunately the ECs flared things to the point that I have pain a lot more than was normal before. I also got OHSS a few times and when our transfer failed… it kind of broke me in a way I honestly hadn’t expected. It felt so sad for so long in a way that entirely surprised me. If I’m honest it still does and I’m angry at myself for not being able to get it together.

as I’m self employed, doing pretty much back to back treatment vastly reduced my availability to work, but at 42 (turned 43 in dec) I kept being reminded by doctors that I didn’t have time to wait between rounds. So I didn’t wait. And 2023 was painful and sad and isolating.

At the end of it, we got the good news we have 3 PGTA normal embryos which I’m so happy about. We are getting ready to go into an Alice/era mock FET cycle before trying with an actual embryo…

But I don’t feel ready financially, emotionally or in any way. Truthfully I feel I can’t face it and am constantly worried about our finances. Currently trying to find work (I’m not being picky, but it’s slim on the ground and I feel so constantly sad and hormonal (still! Last EC was mid November!!!) and just not myself. It’s making it really hard to push forward and battle for work in a competitive field.

Today we found out my partner’s contract is likely not being renewed (he is also freelance).

Things just feel insurmountably challenging and I wish I could be the person I was before last year and just power on….

but I don’t feel like the same person, I feel constantly empty and exhausted. My confidence is just kind of gone.

I wondered if any of you have felt defeated on your journey and what you did to help yourself push on? Anything that gave you strength or resilience? Or helped you feel less lonely on this path?

All tips welcome. And if you got to the end of this long old post, thank you. I realise it’s a bit rambly xxxxx

[Kitkat10]

hi, you’re not alone on this. I felt absolutely defeated after 2 failed cycles which i fully expected to work and I just remember the time pressure pushing me on. I just tried to keep focused on being as fit and healthy as I could for the next cycle and trying to somehow plan ahead. I felt depressed and sad and extremely low at times and really didn’t cope very well. But I kept the dream of a baby firmly in my sights and after the third cycle thank goodness it worked. I don’t really know what pushes us on but I think it’s just the strong desire to have your baby, however which way that happens. It’s a tough time to navigate through and it is important to try and look after your mental well being through it all. You are in a strong position with 3 embryos so I would see that already as an achievement and you’ll know when you feel ready for the next part. Good luck 🍀🍀 xx

[PinkCat22 in reply to Kitkat10]

Thanks so much for this. It really helps ❤️

[Mrs_MT]

I just wanted to give you a big cyber hug. I can feel your exhaustion. I reached this point mid last year and actually decided no more. But 6 months later here I am again trying again. On reflection, that break was what I really needed to have the mental strength to try again (plus psych sessions). I know time isn’t on our side but the other issues you mentioned (finances, mental health) are so important to consider too. Please don’t ignore how you feel, take a break and look after yourself x

[PinkCat22 in reply to Mrs_MT]

Thank you. I think I might actually push things for another month and see how I feel. Sometimes it all just gets to feeling so urgent. And thanks for the cyber hug - I felt that! 😘

[Doodlebug23]

I started my journey Nov 22 when I was in a really bad place after a relationship break up. I had virtually back to back transfers throughout 2023 (fist Dec 22) with 4 BFN and a chemical.

For the first 3 transfers I was really miserable and stressed both at home and at work. They all failed. Transfer 4 I was in a much better place mentally and ended up with a chemical. Transfer 5 I was feeling good and positive until I had spotting 2 days before I was due to start progesterone. This sent me spiralling into anxiety (previous transfer cancelled due to spotting). 2 days before transfer after HCG wash I had a proper bleed. Literally one gush and stopped, but it sent my anxiety into overdrive. BFN.

What I’m trying to say, which was said to me by my reflexologist yesterday (first ever session - totally recommend), stress I think pays a big part in this journey, and being positive, relaxed and stress free makes a huge difference. IVF itself is stressful enough without other factors adding to it.

You have your perfect little embryos there waiting for you, so I’d spend some time getting yourself mentally and physically (and financially) into the best shape you can before transferring them, to give them the best chance. X

[BabyKing]

After 3 failed transfers I was where you are in December 23. We had our last embryo transfer in December that failed. We were heartbroken. All the money, stress, hope left me feeling broken. After grieving for a few weeks I found this site and it gave me the courage to start to take control of what I can control right now. Reading other peoples journeys and taking tips and advice has really helped me. My mental health is what mainly suffered because this journey is tough. After talking with my fiancé and the clinics I will be doing embryo banking later this year. Although I am 41 I have chosen to take time out first for my mental health and to get myself in the best position I can be. It feels good to be able to have control over somethings. I would say take the time you need to heal mentally and financially. You want to be in the best position possible going into your transfers. You are blessed to have 3 embryos waiting for you. I wish you all the luck.

[PinkCat22]

❤️❤️❤️ thank you so much. I’m so sorry for what you e been through - it sounds really hard and thank you for sharing. I think this is great advice and I’m going to talk to my clinic about pushing our Era/Alice cycle out a bit. X

[Millbanks]

Hi PinkCat,

IVF is such an emotional struggle but made so much worse by the financial side of it. Clinics really prey on our vulnerabilities and while I don't doubt that they want us to succeed, if they can push us to do things quicker or the more expensive route, they will.

If the financial side of things are tricky, can you talk to them about reducing the cost? They might be able to switch to cheaper meds or even use a different company to get them - I hear that Asda do fill IVF prescriptions at a much cheaper rate than Stork or the others.

There is also access fertility which I think helps with the cost too. Although it is a big upfront payment.

I would say though, listen to yourself - don't forge ahead right now if you don't want to. A couple of months break won't make a difference to those lovely PGT-A embryos. They are waiting patiently for you to be ready. And there is no evidence to say that just because you're a little bit older they won't implant.

xx

[Xmishell37]

Your story completely resonated with me and I also want to confirm that you are not alone ❣️ I've only did one ER at age 38 and after almost 5 years or trying unsuccessfully for children and 2 failed transfers recently (20 eggs but only 3 embryos- the one that's left is poor quality with less than 20% chance of even implanting), I know I'm not the same person I was 5, 4 or even 3 years ago, I feel defeated and like I need to start planning a life without children, which would just include me sleeping alot and being socially isolated from everyone because of the energy It takes these days and anxiety it brings! You have a good chance with 3 good embryos (mine weren't tested) so stay strong ❣️ I always think babies don't need money, they need love which I know is very simplistic but hopefully the job thing doesn't continue to stress u thru Ur treatment ❣️ xx