*sensitive* BFP on FET and confusing thoughts consuming me and stealing joy

[Mushroom22]

Firstly I hope my post doesn't offend anyone, I know many on this site are just dreaming of a BFP.

I completely 3 IUIs, all failed, 1 fresh IVF transfer and a FET transfer. Doing this as a single female aged 35, have been in contact with clinics since 30, some delays in starting treatment due to house move and covid delays due to age limit.

I tested yesterday (tomorrow is my OTD) and got a very clear positive on a FRER, I was in absolute shock as everything with this FET hasn't gone how it should, the progynova didn't thicken my lining, my body still produced a lead follicle so I had to trigger and in a much later scan a small polyp was seen. Polyps have been the bain of my life throughout treatment and I was given the choice to cancel the cycle and have a Hystoscopy or go ahead, being stubborn and feeling like I wanted to get an embryo transfer in before it hit the year mark of starting IUI and not being able to face the thought of the NHS waitlist delaying a transfer... Throughout the 2WW I have been filled with hope and positivity but trying to be realistic that it may not work.

Staring at the BFP, my stomach sank, I now feel filled with fear, fear of the future and if I will be able to cope, fear of my life not being my own for so long and if doing it was the right choice or a selfish choice or just following the social norm. I have an elderly father and no other family, I moved from them years ago. I have a good circle of friends, some who have children due to natural pregnancy.

I just wondered if anyone else felt this way when they got their BFP, did it ease off or was there a point that joy came back? Could the meds be causing it? Not sure if it's anxiety cause it's such early days. I can't pinpoint what it is, I just woke up feeling sooo burdened this morning by this news, something I expect to be one of the happiest moments of my adult life and it's knocked me so much, I feel like a monster.

Obviously I know it's very early days regarding an IVF pregnancy, I know I would be devastated if anything happened.

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hope you will get some helpful replies as this forum is a great source of support .Everything at the moment will seem very "intense" this can be caused by the extra hormones and also the stresses & strains of IVF treatment Take a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.org click menu and select Access to support scroll to Fertility groups to find support such as Pregnancy & Beyond Groups

Take care of yourself

Janet-Partner

[Mushroom22 in reply to JA-fnuk]

Thank you for your reply. I had tried to call the number to chat but they are closed today.

[Twiglet2]

I can’t say I’ve ever felt like that when seeing a BFP I’m normally just terrified if it’s going to be another miscarriage and Hopi g and wishing this is one that sticks around but my one successful pregnancy once I finally accepted it could really be happening and was hoping for only excitement and joy (probably about 28-30weeks) I did start to worry if I would be a good mum, is the house too small, is my garden too dangerous, if I could cope and if I had been selfish bringing a baby into the world with no father (we are a same sex couple so 2 mummies) so I think your feelings are pretty normal but maybe not yet experienced by some on this forum or in the exact same way cos we are all different . All my worries were of course for nothing so hopefully you can get some ‘joy’ soon and leave some of the worrying about the practicalities of it all until a bit later in the pregnancy 🤗 congratulations xx

[Mushroom22 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you so much for your reply and explaining your feels further down the pregnancy too. I'm very much a person who plans and likes to control so although the thought of miscarriage scares me I know there is very little I can do to control that (apart from the obvs like eating well/no drinking, things that we happily sacrificed long ago.) So I try not to think about it.

Think I'd geared myself up for it maybe not working and made some big house plans for keeping occupied while I was awaiting a hysteroscopy and getting back to another transfer middle of next year. Then it hit me all these things will need doing aswell as a nursery etc.

After a better night's sleep I definitely feel less weighted down by it and know I will feel happier when it feels more real and a safe point.

[Hockey112]

I think it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes smoothly for you xx

[Mushroom22 in reply to Hockey112]

Thank you so much for your kind words x

[SMBCnewbie]

I just wanted to say I felt those thoughts and felt so guilty that it's all I wanted and then questioned it. I felt at peace and calm/relieved initially when I saw the BFP, like I'd gotten over the next hurdle. I think it's fear of what the future will hold, you're still in limbo, you don't know if this will work out or what will happen. You don't know how to hope or imagine what it'll be like. I'm 38 and solo too. It's scary but I keep saying to myself it's what I wanted and if I hadn't have done it, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. There's never a good time, certain circumstances might make it easier but we don't always have that luxury. If you need to reach out, I'm still going through the feelings as well. I am weaning off the progesterone soon so I'm hoping I'll feel a bit less overwhelmed.

[Mushroom22 in reply to SMBCnewbie]

Thank you so much for your reply, I'm sorry to hear you felt similar but thank you for your your honesty. I feel like we spend sooo long being hopeful that treatment will work and almost our life on hold that we dare never think about how it will all feel when it does and when that happens it's such alot.

Thank you I will likely drop you a DM shortly if that is okay x

[RACMumm]

Pregnancy is scary with or without IVF. I think us IVF mums just have other things to deal with on top. It's huge news and the thing we have built up in our minds so much not daring to imagine seeing those two lines so we all have those moments of doubt and questions. I'm on ivf pregnancy number 3 and I still panic. My second cycle was twins and I was so happy when I first saw the two heartbeats but within hours that euphoria was gone and I was in full on panic mode. I found myself actually hoping I'd have vanishing twin as the thoughts of 2 were so overwhelming. Thankfully my boys were fine and you honestly just deal with it. Every time you feel you can't just remind yourself of how brave you've been to face the journey to now. You're already a warrior. It's natural to have fears of possible loss, will I cope, am I being selfish etc. but that is just natural and you shouldn't overthink it unless it becomes too burdensome and then you need to talk, chat to people and don't be afraid to say how you feel. I think if people qere entirely honest, it would be more difficult to find someone who hasn't experienced those feelings than those who have. In the meantime, congratulations. You've got over the first major hurdle and although it's not always plain sailing from here on, you're still in the game. Try and relax and don't be hard on yourself. You're reaction is entirely normal so don't panic! X

[Mushroom22 in reply to RACMumm]

Thank you so much for your kind reply and also your honesty regarding your feeling when being told you were pregnant with twins, glad all is well with them and hope all continues well with pregnancy number 3 x

[Mushroom22 in reply to Mushroom22]

Also wanted to add I have planned in a counselling session with the clinic counsellor in 2 weeks time, hoping my thoughts will change by then. They have definitely lightened after a good night's sleep.

I think all we ever want is to be able to give a future child the best, yet this process in itself can make us feel like we aren't the best at times, it's very invasive, draining and can be restrictive. Understandably fully worth it when it works out x

[Linny12]

It's so hard, this journey. You have been blessed, the practicality side of things will work out by themselves in the end, try not to think about it. X

[Mushroom22 in reply to Linny12]

Thank you so much for your kind reply x

[MrsOrangejuice]

Thank you for being so honest and brave to voice these feelings. I think there's an expectation that because of what we and you have gone through with infertility and IVF, that somehow the resulting pregnancy and parenthood will be different to natural - like, more magical and joyful and that you just have to keep quiet and never complain and just be grateful. Whereas, actually after all the trauma, money and dashed hopes, maybe you're going to be much more anxious, emotional, worried and terrified of every symptom, and feel you have to make it perfect. Also, because you had so more of an active role in getting to this point, it's natural to then start doubting - if it had just happend, you can blame fate, timing, just one of those things, and sort of put responsibility to one side. Unless you're very lucky (and win the lottery!), your pregnancy and parenting experience will probably just be like most others, in that it will be very hard at times. You'll probably cry a lot, feel lonely, exhausted, unprepared, like you're getting everything wrong, not normal, not enjoying it or being as grateful as you should, and guilty (that one all the time, about everything). But you'll manage, even if now it feels overwhelming. And there will be such good and joyous moments in the mix. Just try and find a balance and don't feel bad it's not Disney happily ever after, just because you had to go through more than most to get here x

[Mushroom22 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Thank you so much for your reply. Yea that's very true about what an active route we play when it comes to IVF and maybe having a different expectation. I remember one of my best friends calling me last year minutes after she took a test and she didn't believe it, she was saying how it was terrible timing due to festivals she wanted to go to and a recent job change and house purchase, how she didn't want this "now". I didn't voice it but I was soo very angry at her that she said this and could not understand how someone would ever feel like that. My first IUI had just failed then so felt even more broken.

Then when these were my first thoughts on Wednesday and I felt I had doubts, I felt terrible had been quick to judge her for hers. Truly shows we don't know how we will react, think we spend so much time living the double life of being positive and hopeful while keeping half of ourself guarded incase it doesn't work