Emotionless towards IVF

[CJohns]

I wrote a couple of months ago about donor eggs etc as I was pretty certain my ovaries had turned to dust. I ended up having an MOT in July and my AMH came back slightly higher (3.3 vs 2.2 and 1 in 2021) and follicle numbers looked good - such a relief. My partner’s sample also improved, but morphology is still at 1% (any tips on how to improve this, even slightly?!)

The consultant told us to ‘try’ for another 6 months, but I’ve asked to go straight to IVF, and we’ve been batched in with egg collection during the first week of November.

But I feel numb. I’m not dreading it and nor am I looking forward to it - which is in complete contrast to the emotional mess I was in during 2021. I feel oddly at peace with my decision, and I think it’s because I’ve taken control (to an extent). We’re paying for 1 cycle only, as a gamble for a sibling to our little boy, and if it’s not successful, we have agreed to walk away from it. Truth be told, I’m not ready for another baby, and I would love another 1-2 years to cherish what we have now. But at the same time, I would absolutely love to get pregnant (and successfully deliver), just to be able to put this fertility rollercoaster behind me. I think about it every day and this low AMH business just rules my life, but what makes it harder is that family and friends seem to think I’m cured of my fertility grief because I was one of the lucky ones.

How have you learned to deal with fertility grief and how do you accept life as it is and move on?

Whilst I know there is still a chance to get pregnant naturally, then I know I won’t be able to drop it. But there is only so many times you can tell your partner to stop eating or drinking fertility no go foods, without it chipping away at your relationship 😬.

[Sunshine809]

I felt quite numb during my 4th cycle, apart from dreading the egg collection because afterwards I feel so uncomfortable, so I totally hear you. I know what you mean about not being able to drop it when there's still a chance, even though I know that chance is tiny now. We're moving on to donor eggs but a little voice keeps telling me that because there's a small chance I should give my eggs 'one more try'. But then where would it end? I feel like my life has been on hold for the last 6 or 7 years and I'm really down about it now.

It has taken over our lives and massively affected our relationship. I blame him because he 'wasn't ready' for a couple of years when I was, so we had to wait, and then his sperm wasn't great quality but he refused to wear loose boxers, take supplements, drink more water etc. We're still not in a great place but I know he'll be a great father and he is making more effort now. It's just hard to let go of what's happened in the past, plus I still have to say every other day 'have you taken your proxeed?' because I know he's forgotten. We can't seem to just focus on our relationship and get it back on track because the fertility stuff is the big elephant in the room.

I don't really have any advice as I'm still in the middle of it myself, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I'm also very conscious that if the donor eggs work people will expect me to be happy and grateful for what I've got, but I'm not sure the trauma of the last 7 years is going to just vanish! So I feel for you on that point too. I think we need to go to couples counselling and try to work through some of our issues, and I think I might try counselling for myself too. Friends and family can only be supportive to a point because they genuinely dont know what to say or what advice to give.

Wishing you the very best of luck for Novenber. I really hope it goes well for you. You're not alone in your feelings xx

[CJohns in reply to Sunshine809]

I hear you with the reminders. You feel like you’re parenting your other half by constantly reminding them, and then you can feel that causing more tension, and then feel that they’re not in it as much as you 👎.

Couples counselling is a very good shout. It might teach us all to learn to talk about and focus on anything other than our fertility - we can hope🥴. I did see a male counsellor in 2021 (he had the heads up about my fertilty mental state), and he made some quite insensitive comments, so I ended up not returning after a couple of sessions - so whoever you see, make sure they are fertility aware.

I pray you have success with the donor eggs 🙏🏻… and I hope you get tons of embryos and that you end up in a predicament of deciding whether to have more children ! Xx

[Sunshine809 in reply to CJohns]

Aww thank you! That would be the dream 🥰

Haha parenting is the right word for it. It's so frustrating. It definitely makes me feel like he's not as invested in it as I am... 😔

That's a good point about the counsellor. I'm sorry you had that experience. I definitely don't want to be talking to anyone who makes me feel worse than I already feel!!

Thank again. I'm always here if you ever want to talk/vent! xx

[Baby2023]

Hi, please can you clarify how your amh improved, what specifically did you do?

[CJohns in reply to Baby2023]

I don’t think it has to be honest, as it’s still so low (and lab results can fluctuate), it’s more for me the relief that it hasn’t deteriorated massively in the last 2 years (which id expected). But perhaps I was just born with a very low egg supply 🤷🏼‍♀️ x