Friend announcing pregnancy when we should be announcing ours

[Alwaysbelieving]

So my partners friend and his wife have just announced their pregnancy and we should have been sharing our good news a week ago but unfortunately we miscarried at 6 weeks. We have dealt with announcements so many times previously and have always been a punch in the heart but this one really winded us (but very happy for them). Of course that awful selfish feeling made us feel even worse and have kind of digested it now but they literally told us 3 months ago they were going to start trying (and we had our first BFP after 4 and a half years of trying the day after they told us) It’s just so unfair, when will it be our turn? I know there are so many posts like this but just needed vent to people who understand the pain. Now we will have to follow their pregnancy like some kind of cruel ‘this is where you would be at now’ reminder. I’m not too sure how I will cope with this 😢

[ZiggyandBC]

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Not too long ago one of our friends announced they were expecting their second child after 2 months of trying 🙃 It really really hurts and I spent most of that day crying (there’s absolutely no shame in getting those emotions out) Don’t ever feel guilty about your feelings, they’re far from selfish! You’ve been through so so much to try and have your little one, your feelings are absolutely valid. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, I can’t imagine how devastating that must have been.

If you need to take a step back from following their pregnancy then that’s absolutely normal and fine! That’s what I’m doing with our friend, I know absolutely nothing about their pregnancy and it’s made it a lot easier. Your friend should understand and respect your wishes around it.

Nothing I say can make it easier but I know how you’re feeling and it’s absolutely gut wrenching! You will get through this, just like all the other amazing ladies/men on here will get through it, because we’re bloody strong! Infertility is so cruel but just remind yourself that you’re doing everything you can, and you will get through it ❤️ sending you all my love xxx

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to ZiggyandBC]

Thanks so much for your lovely reply. It really does help to read kind words ♥️ Sorry you’re having a hard time too. You’re right, we are strong and will get through it, hopefully sooner rather than later for us all xx

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi, yeah that’s a proper sucker punch 🥊 ooooffff!! It seems like one that will repeat a little like a bad aftertaste. I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

I agree with ziggy above, don’t feel guilty about your emotions, they are valid and real. It hurts like hell and it’s natural to feel very envious and compare ourselves and our journeys even though our heads know it doesn’t help us. It’s totally ok to take some time away from trigger people, you can tell them but you don’t have to. Some of my friends that have had happy news at my most vulnerable times I’ve distanced myself from, some I’ve told them why, others not so much. I know when I’m ready to re-engage my true friends will allow me back into their lives. It’s ok to put yourself first when you need to. Sending massive hugs xoxo

[Joanna-Arabella1984]

I totally feel you! My sister in law got pregnant when I just lost a baby. She’s about to have it and we’ve lost another. What really pisses me off is that she’s apparently getting a night nanny in again. So she doesn’t do all the nurturing in the night etc and will let the baby cry it out from day dot. I know everyone has their own style but come on! What century are we in. Whole thing makes me want to scream. Anyway, thought I’d share. You’re not alone. It’s so hard. It’s always there hovering in the background. Definitely better to let these emotions out, so they don’t eat you up! We are all human. The desire to have a child is so incredibly strong. You are not a robot. Feel all the feels! Lots of love x

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to Joanna-Arabella1984]

Thank you, that must be so hard for you. So sorry to hear of your losses 😔 sending lots of love and strength x

[Goldenegg1 in reply to Joanna-Arabella1984]

Omg that’s really pissed me off too. Come on next it’ll be timed cuddles of 15 mins a day and timed feeds to suit mum and dad. I wouldn’t want anybody else feeding my baby in the night that’s my pleasure.

[Joanna-Arabella1984 in reply to Goldenegg1]

I know right! And she’s so lucky to have children easily . Think they had 5 nannies sleep training last time. Fecks me right off. I hope I get a chance to do all that myself soon! .. not sleep training, but the cuddles, the crying, the exhaustion. Bring it on x

[Goldenegg1 in reply to Joanna-Arabella1984]

I hope you do too!

I don’t see the point in paying others to care for your kids, I love that part and I’m not good at sharing at the best of times never mind with hired help.

Bring on the sleepless nights for good reason just for a short while.

[Joanna-Arabella1984 in reply to Goldenegg1]

Agree 💯! 💜💜💜

[S_Lauren30]

I’m sorry you are going through that lovely. I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage. This journey is so hard so never feel ashamed of your feelings, your entitled to feel the way you do.

I agree with Ziggy that if you need to block yourself from their pregnancy to do so. If they are good friends just explain that this is going to be difficult for you and whilst you are happy and excited for them it’s better for your mental health not to be included in updates.

[MrsOrangejuice]

It's so hard. My sister in law announced her pregnancy at 7weeks and we'd just had our 2nd cp at 6weeks - we would have been 2 weeks ahead of her. Last weekend we went to a family bbq where it's all anyone could talk about. I understand as she's got bad morning sickness but it's tough thinking that should have been me and I know I will be doing this throughout each stage of the pregnancy and as her baby grows up. Also, they have a child already and family were asking her was she hoping for twins, would they have more, three's a good number... I couldn't really face it so I spent the whole time playing with her little one as thankfully all she cares about is Peppa Pig Cue mother in law and others saying to my husband how 'natural' I was with her and when would we start, then assuming there's a problem maybe we should try IVF (hmm, that'll be a quick fix). He brushed it off with saying we don't want to have them as that's the easiest way to stop the questions.

I also had to sit through several online video calls with my workmates where my boss was telling everyone about his new baby, how perfect she is, and then everyone joins in to talk about theirs, even grandchildren. I was cramping and bleeding heavily at that point at trying to keep a fixed smile for the video, considering whether to leave and say my connection went.

Feeling winded is the perfect way to describe it. It will keep happening and some blows are harder than others. I tried thinking of it like steeling myself but I don't want to become hard and bitter, and not feel happy for others. So instead I've found thinking of it like I can breathe through each blow a little better. It still hurts but it doesn't take you out, if you see what I mean. I'm sure you will find your ways to cope and there is no shame at all in stepping back from situations or people. Anyone who cares about you will give you space without questions. The others are generally so wrapped up in their own worlds or so oblivious they won't even notice. Concentrate on what's best for you right now and try and let all the peripheral stuff go x

[MammaMia86 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Oh my God! I was reading what you wrote and I feel soo identified with you!!!!🤣🤣 the people asking us when are we having kids.....I usually brush it off and I am so afraid that one day I will be very rude to someone. I play with my friends kids too!!!🤣🤣 because they spend all time talking about their kids or pregnancies so at least with the kids is all about frozen or water wars.

It's just funny how we all do the same things or we go through the same situations

[Goldenegg1 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

I think I would have just paused and switch my WiFi off saying connection has gone. That’s all too much to deal with.

I hate it when people ask you if your having kids or when you having your next or how many? It’s none of anybody’s business.

It’s even worse when your partner says we’ve got some catching up to do after he announces his best mates having his 4th baby and then later says he not sure he wants another, knowing I’ve been aching to be a mum again.

You can’t keep people like that in your life.

[Alwaysbelieving]

Oh that’s awful, I really feel for you. Even harder when it’s in the family and not as easy to distance yourself. It’s so shit this whole process. Thanks for your reply and sending love 💛 x

[Tobytubs11]

I had this but with my bother.. he had two children before I finally had my daughter. It hurts like no other, all I can say good things come to those that wait.. take care of yourselves x

[Babyhope8]

When I had my first miscarriage in 2019, my best friend announced her pregnancy. When I miscarried in 2020 , my youngest sil announced her pregnancy. 3 ivf cycles and 5 IUI cycles over 4 yrs . All I can say I’m learning to cope with this , friends and families are going to announce pregnancy, that’s nvr gonna end . Tdy another best friend announced her second pregnancy, I was cool about it . From my experience it hurts me more when the announcements are from families than friends .

[MammaMia86]

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage.Who in this place has been through that??? I think all your feelings are valid, you should't feel bad about it.

I don't think I would isolate myself from friends and families to protect myself. I know the announcements are the worst part for me, but then I remember about those friends that they haven't found a partner in life and the envy me, or those that they might think that I have a better something that they do.... I remind myself that I am lucky for what I have even if it isn't much I am happy.

We need to remind ourselves that we can be happy even if we are not able to have kids. (Although I think it will happen for all of us)

And believe me I do have bad days but when I have those days sometimes we just need someone that reminds us all the other great things in our lifes and bring some positivity into this journey. I hope I did that for you😘

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to MammaMia86]

Thanks yeah you did. I do try to live by that mindset as well but I guess some days it’s just a little harder. I do think it will happen for us eventually so I just need to cling on to that and hope it gets me through x

[Goldenegg1]

I feel you. Every time a friend says I’m pregnant and it wasn’t planned 🤭 but hey ho, or you know so and so their expecting. And this covid baby boom just not fair. Our clinics had to shut down but couples were free to make as many babies as they liked.

You just want to shut yourself in a room and shout duck off it should be me! Oops sorry. I can’t cope with having to be all that’s great news.

Of course it’s great news but it just cuts so deep every time.

People just don’t think because they’re in their own moment of joy. But you don’t have to follow it so closely, you can wish them luck and pull back a bit to preserve your own emotions.

I’m happy for everyone who gets baby joy but I do struggle to cope with my green eyed monster.

🤭😊 I’m not a bad person I just ache to do it all again.

[Babymagic37]

Hi alwaysbelieving, I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Our friends were going through IVF the same time as us, we helped them massively with their journey (we started ours a little earlier so could give them advice etc) then guess what, they got pregnant and we didn’t, in fact we had ‘abnormal fertilisation’ so didn’t even get an embryo. We were absolutely floored. Since then, we’ve found it really difficult to be in touch with them and in all honestly having some distance and time out has been the best thing for us. Everyone is different but you need to put yourselves first, if they are good friends they should understand why having a bit of distance would be needed. Meanwhile look after yourselves, try and stay positive (difficult I know) and know you have support on here x x x

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to Babymagic37]

Sorry you had to go through that. If this process wasn’t difficult enough!!… then the odd curveball is thrown into the mix too! I hope your time comes very soon x

[IM150]

I'm so so sorry. I can only imagine how much that must hurt.

As someone previously said, take a step away from the pregnancy if you need to. If she's a good friend, she will completely understand.

Wishing you all the luck in the world

[HaveFaith1]

Thank you so much for posting this. It's nice to know you're not the only one who experiences this or feels the green eyed monster emerging! I agree with everyone else, these feelings you describe are completely natural and it's probably healthier to deal with them rather than push them away (unless you're on a zoom call or a BBQ with everyone talking about babies, then you might have to park your feelings for a couple of hours...).

Someone wise once said to me, when confronted with people announcing they are pregnant. Ask yourself: do you want their baby? Their partner? Their life? Probably not. You want your own. I'm struggling to word this right, but this has reframed how I think about it and made me feel less jealous.

Also, I've had a close friend announce she was pregnant a couple of years ago and it felt like a punch in the heart too. But later, one on one, she told me they'd previously had a miscarriage. So you never know what some people have gone through (us included!). That makes me feel more able to let my genuine happiness for their great news overtake the feeling of envy I still get.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔 I hope you get your day to announce pregnancy and share stories about your child. Lots of love to all my IVF Warriors x

[fertilityanecdotes]

I completely understand. One of my friends told me she was pregnant just as I had miscarried for the first time. She was the same number of weeks as I would have been. I really regret it but at the time I just stopped keeping in contact, as for me it was too much to see where I would be if I have not miscarried. For my first and second ivf cycle, the failed cycle cake around the same time another fried announced her pregnancy and then gave birth. I had always been someone who people could talk to when they were feeling down, but I found it so hard to help when people complained about their morning sickness or baby keeping them up crying.With time it is not as difficult, I have learnt to step back and think that each baby is born when it’s their time, and I will not rush it as when my baby comes they will be more loved and treasured because I have waited.