Time off stress - first FET

[Dinobaby05]

Hello - it’s me again! I feel like I’m constantly needing to post as no one else to speak openly about all of this, hopefully someone here can relate! I had my first FET on Thursday and I’ve been off work since (school teacher). I had it in my head that I would go back after 5dpt (Wed) but now not sure. I already feel like the transfer hasn’t worked and I just can’t face any questions about why I’ve been off from colleagues. My line manager has also been through IVF (worked first time) and I feel pressure from her. She said she was back to normal and went to an exercise class not long after her transfer but this was during the school holidays so not the same situation. She’s emailed me a few times also and I’m starting to panic that they will think I’m taking the mick given her experience was so straight forward and mine hasn’t! I’ve only been at the school six months and I took a promoted post so I feel added pressure to perform even though I have always been open about what I was planning. I also had to take 4 days off for the egg recovery due to being unwell with OHSS but I’ve made sure all of my appointments were when I was off timetable. My husband doesn’t understand and thinks I shouldn’t even be thinking about work but I feel guilty needing so much time off. I guess my question is, has anyone been a similar position and how much time do you recommend taking off? I had terrible headaches for the first few days but feeling better now. Is work going to add to my stress or be a welcomed distraction as I’m obviously going mad here at home! 🤣 xx

[Keepingfaith85]

hiya, I’m currently 6dp5dt so thought it might help to say how I’m feeling right now. I had headaches at the start too & they haven’t returned but I’m definitely feeling tired and out of sorts. I used to be a primary teacher and remember the guilt of missing any time well, it’s impossible to get any time off in schools but it’s not like you can plan everything over summer it just doesn’t work like that.

I’d be well enough to work but feeling a bit dizzy and distracted. I think it depends how stressed you’d feel. It would prevent you googling and overthinking on the one hand. I think it would be absolutely understandable for you to need time off, it literally makes you ill with all the side effects! Definitely prioritise yourself and make the decision based on what you want to do xx

[Dinobaby05 in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Thanks for the reply. ❤️ Glad to hear your headaches are gone and you’re feeling okay. I actually was meant to have the transfer just before the end of the holidays but my period didn’t arrive and it delayed things! Just shows how unpredictable it all is. Are you back to off or have you taken the time off? Xx

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Dinobaby05]

I have a nearly 3 year old (from 3rd transfer) who is keeping me busy 😊 He starts preschool next week which is making me super emotional combined with all the hormones!

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Dinobaby05]

I’m feeling worse today so actually it seems very up & down with the progesterone 😕

[Dinobaby05 in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Oh no. I’m sorry to hear that. I have a pain in my hips/pelvic area. Don’t know if it is a good or bad thing. This is torture! 😩

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Dinobaby05]

I haven’t had hip pain but definitely had a heavy feeling like I get before AF. All normal unfortunately. I had period like cramps before my positive so not a bad thing

[Dinobaby05 in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Keep me posted on how you get on. When are you planning on testing? The clinic have told me next Friday which just feels so far away! 😔

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Dinobaby05]

I’m going to wait till 10dpt which is this Friday! I will let you know. Try to hold off testing until day 10 if you can. When would that be? I think you’d see a positive by then going off previous transfers xx

[Dinobaby05 in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Sunday is my 10dpt 😬😬 I’m already so scared it will be negative and then I’ll have false hope of it changing by the Friday but then I don’t think I can wait that long. God, I totally underestimated how much of a head fuck all of this is! 🤣 Wishing you the very best for Friday. Not long more for you to wait. ❤️ xx

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Dinobaby05]

The wait does send you a bit crazy. Try to watch lots of lighthearted TV and keep yourself busy xx

[CornflowerMoon]

I had time off after all 3 of my transfers. The first was long-planned annual leave that just ended up well timed. The second, I had loads of migraines and headaches because of the hormone fluctuations and for the third, a disc problem in my neck flared up badly the day before the transfer. In all cases, I was off work until after my test date but maybe I would have pushed myself to go back to work sooner if it wasn't for IVF. My normal role is unsafe in pregnancy so after my transfers my boss was happy to treat me as if I was pregnant. I suppose this made staying off an easier decision, because my colleagues would have been picking up the slack anyway. I did wonder if my boss would think I was taking the mick but to be honest, I just didn't care much. At the forefront of my mind was that the embryo was the only important thing I needed to focus on for those two weeks. Do what's right for you, if you feel you would do better if you weren't working, there is no shame in taking the time off.

[Dinobaby05 in reply to CornflowerMoon]

Thanks so much for the reply. I’m still in two minds and took today off as a result. Don’t know if I’m better off with the distraction as it’s all I think about at home. But then, the thought of work also makes me feel 🤢

[Eggfreezer2015]

I believe you need to prioritise you and what you feel is right for you. I’m not a teacher but even though I could work from home, I still took the full 2 weeks off. I figured I wanted to maximise my opportunity and prioritise my IVF. Work will always be there and let’s be honest, none of us are irreplaceable. Go with your gut and do what you feel is right for you. X

[Dinobaby05 in reply to Eggfreezer2015]

Thanks so much for your reply. ❤️

[40plusTTC]

I completely understand the guilt about taking time off work. It took me to the 3rd round of ICSI to put my physical and emotional needs first. For me that meant taking unpaid leave during the latter part of treatment to minimise stress and then I took sick leave for a week after the BFN. My manager even stated I could have taken it all as sick leave. Your LM should not be comparing her situation to yours. That's not right. It'd never be the same as it's likely you'd be on different protocols/meds/timescales with different health and medical needs. I guess I'd ask who you put trust in looking out for your needs more - yourself and your husband or your manager.

Apologies if you know this already but please take a look at the below site which explains your legal rights and may give you peace of mind about taking time off if you decide that's what you'd like to do.

acas.org.uk/your-maternity-...

[Dinobaby05 in reply to 40plusTTC]

Thanks very much for sharing website. It’s made me feel better about taking the time. Yeah, I am really disappointed in my LM as we have had completely different situations and I thought she would be more understanding but if anything, she has downplayed the whole thing and has only made me feel worse about taking time off.

[40plusTTC in reply to Dinobaby05]

You're v.welcome. Not everyone knows they're covered by law as classed as legally pregnant from ET (in UK at least).That is really disappointing with LH! I'm really sorry you've experienced that. One more thing you could consider is to ask for an OH referral. They can go through what work can do to support you whilst going through treatment and afterwards. I found it really useful for me as they made suggestions my employer could implement even if it was things we already knew (like flexible working around appointments and taking paid/unpaid leave) and they reiterated the legal aspects that the website details. I felt better having it all written officially by a third party like that as it meant employers have to follow up on those things and provide a duty of care which they should be doing anyway!

[SUMMERTIME02]

I took a lot of time off each cycleI was stressed and just wanted a relaxed time off where i didnt need to think about work or wake up early for work.

I used holidays, unpaid time off and sick days whatever i could.

Some people were understanding, some were not. Ultimately i didnt care because my mental health came first and i was very clear in expressing ivf isnt a walk in the park for all. Even if successful theres a worry for the next stage and time off is what worked best for me

[SUMMERTIME02 in reply to SUMMERTIME02]

To add, i was working from home and did not have a stressful job, yet i prioritised me before anything else. Its quite stressfull in itself to approach the situation and discuss to take time off especially if your manager isn't supportive but send an email so its documented about how u feel and your need for time off

[Dinobaby05 in reply to SUMMERTIME02]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m not the best at putting myself first which I think is why I’m struggling with taking the time off work. I will take your advice and email. Thanks again ❤️ xx

[polykleitos]

Hello Dinobaby05, former teacher here! First up, you’re a total trooper and I can’t even imagine going through IVF. It’s good news that your manager has experienced IVF because anyone with a shred of empathy would think how tough it must be to go through it during term time. It’s less ok that you’re feeling pressured and manager is contacting you when off sick.

If possible, I’d say buy yourself some flexibility. Email and say you’re feeling very unwell/emotional/ whatever is true for you and you hope to be back on such and such a day, but you will confirm by email on the morning of that day. You can always go back earlier if you feel up to it. Have your cover story ready if any nosey colleagues ask where you’ve been - either “stomach bug” or “I was sick” should be suffice!

Now is the time to put yourself first. And remember that you have no reason to feel guilty. You are going through a lot and returning to work before you’re ready isn’t going to help anyone xx

[Dinobaby05]

Thanks so much for your reply. I’m still off work but weighing it up whether or not I should just go back to keep myself distracted. I’m going crazy at home. I’ve just seen your other post and noticed you’re also in your 2WW. Are you currently off work? Let me know how it all goes for you. Wishing you all the best and sending you all the baby dust! 🤞🏻❤️ xx

[polykleitos in reply to Dinobaby05]

I coincidentally had a week booked off anyway and then it was time for the transfer on Weds. I’m back at work today but my work is very different to teaching. This week I can hide behind my desk and wfh until Monday when I need to do some much more public facing stuff. I’m nervous about testing on Sunday and then having to face hundreds of people with a fake smile if it’s a BFN on Monday! For that reason, I think I’ll be testing early. Wishing you lots and lots of luck too x x