Anxiety after miscarriage

[Hazelwood12]

Hi there,

So my journey is the following:

- first ectopic pregnancy 11 years ago, medically managed

- second ectopic pregnancy March 2022 - surgically managed, removal of one tube

- IVF started November 2022, had to freeze everything due to OHSS

- three cycles we failed to get to implantation stage due to various factors

- finally transferred April 2023. Positive result

- Twins found at 7 weeks

- No heartbeats at 10 weeks

- surgical management of miscarriage early June 2023

So at first I thought I was fine, or at least I was determined to be fine and I went back to work just one week after surgery. I then started to get anxiety symptoms about 6 weeks after surgery when we went on holiday. I couldn't sleep, felt very anxious to be out of my home etc. Things escalated after I had to look after my sick mum and take care of her house move into a retirement property. Fast forward to panic attacks and me being signed off for a month with stress.

Right now I can't even contemplate re-starting IVF. This loss feels so much heavier than previous losses. I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever be able to have children as I can't bear the thought of going through IVF again (it's also my 38th birthday in two weeks).

I want to go back to work because right now I'm only entitled to Statutory sick pay and so losing out financially but the thought of going back sooner rather than later just fills me with dread.

Can anyone relate? Did anyone else have massive anxiety after miscarrying but manage to get through it?

[Caranne]

I’ve so sorry, you’ve been through so much. I can definitely relate to some of what you’ve said, i’ve had an ectopic and miscarriage, was meant to be starting a fresh cycle in September but not sure i can go ahead with it feel so anxious and filled with dread about it. Im also turning 38 soon with low AMH so feel like i need to decide what I’m doing and can’t just wait. I’m also in stressful job that i’m struggling with so not sure i could do IVF in current job would have to leave and look for another job.

My consultant suggested counselling, have you tried speaking to anyone. It sounds like you’ve been traumatised by all your experiences and maybe speaking to fertility counsellor will help process it and decide what to do x

[Hazelwood12 in reply to Caranne]

Hi Caranne,

Thank you so much for your message. Sounds like you are also going through a tough time. I would 100% recommend leaving your job - I had to do the same leaving my freelance career to take on temping because I just couldn't deal with the stress of everything.

I have booked a session with the fertility counsellor at the clinic and am also looking into regular therapy. It's definately too much to try and shoulder alone.

[Elmo13]

Hi Hazelwood,

I’m so very sorry to read what you’re going through. It’s truly heartbreaking and very sad.

Don’t underestimate how much you’ve been through physically and mentally- and you’re still going through this. It’s not easy at all.

I had a silent miscarriage last year and then a spontaneous miscarriage whilst at work back in April so I understand what you’re going through.

What I will say is that I went through some very dark times and it was tough- I found nights the worst and couldn’t sleep or switch off. Nobody at work knew and as I’m self employed I had to be very careful not to let on so as not to be replaced- which didn’t help. The hurt never completely goes but it does get better and you will start to feel like yourself again- but in your own time, and we all cope at our own pace. Don’t beat yourself up for where you are now.

Right now, you and how you’re feeling is the priority. If you don’t feel up to it then maybe take longer for yourself before returning? I know it’s difficult when you’re freelance and if you don’t work, you don’t earn, but in the grand scheme of things you must look after yourself. Is there any way you can do shorter days when you do go back into work initially and just see how you are? I know it’s not always possible but worth a thought.

Wishing you strength.

Xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Hazelwood. Well you’ve certainly been through more than your fair share of hope, followed by loss and endless grieving. I do hope you have had, and still have lots of support. All I can say is to look after you and your partner and wait till you’re ready to go back to work, cause you’re the most important person now. When you’re ready perhaps yo will find the strength to try again. Thinking of you. Diane ,

..l.

[Weegran20]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your twins.take time to grieve . You need to listen to your instincts and move when you are ready . I am a gran who went through the IVF journey with my eldest daughter who after a miscarriage at 10 wks , then went on to have twins ( boy and girl, who are 15 ) .I am now supporting my youngest daughter who is starting her journey in Oct . Get emotional support but don’t give up hope ♥️♥️🥰

[Hidden]

Dear Hazelwood12

You’ve been through a really awful time. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. I’m still really cut up by the loss but have strong family and friend support. It sounds like you have had to shoulder a lot of responsibility for your mum whilst obviously dealing with the loss of your twins.

I can’t have a transfer for a while, have to wait a myomectomy and time is running away. I’m also really anxious a lot of the time, but I have found returning to work a real distraction and something I need, but we are all different and you need to do what’s right for you. Please be kind to yourself, IVF is brutal.

I’m also anxious about the possibility of a miscarriage in the future but that’s a normal response, I don’t think anyone else would disagree. It’s probably worth speaking to a counsellor either through your GP surgery or through the miscarriage association or Tommys

Take care

[Fruitandflowers]

I had terrible anxiety and stress in the past, related to work and personal life, to the point where I was effectively paralysed and just a shell of a person really. I found CBT very helpful but I would say if you have any choice or can pay privately that getting the right counsellor is important- the first one I tried was helpful up to a point but then just said I had to leave my job whereas the second understood my work and career and gave me coping strategies. A lot of it is about breaking the stress/cortisol cycle and if you've just had an awful experience coupled with your Mum being unwell, it's like it a big continuous trauma and your body is trying to protect you. On MMC, I had this in April too and I went to pieces - I was shocked how hard it hit me and I didn't feel evsn close to ok again for at least a couple of mnths - as in, not crying all the time, not feeling utterly hopeless and bereft the second I woke up. I think the grief and massive hormone shifts (and crashes) make the first few months especially acute. You will feel better when that settles but then counselling helps for the longer term and deeper issues. X