Hi all I’m hopefully going in for my second round of IUI soon, last time I didn’t tell anyone even though I had a supportive network and my close family members knew I was going through the process. I felt like if I was trying naturally with a partner I wouldn’t be informing them anyway until it happened. After getting a failed result, I turned to them and they supported me but asked me to tell them next time. However I still stand by how I feel and now I’ve experienced it I feel like those two weeks waiting are important and I need to try forget and act normal but I feel like if they know I’d have eyes on me watching my every move.
Any advice on how I could approach this?
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BleuM
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Hi BleuM, firstly I have everything crossed for your next round.
The best advice I can give is just do what you feel is right for you. I totally get your dilemma! I only told my parents and in-laws about the treatment. I didn’t want the questions and then if the outcome wasn’t what I wanted having to tell more people.
I found in a lot of circumstances people who had not been through this didn’t understand (which is fine) but then some of the things to try and make me “feel better” really didn’t.
There is no right or wrong but like I say just do what you feel comfortable with and then if you feel you need support reach out to your group xxx
Thanks for the well wishes. I feel better about going with the not telling option I will however go with what Diane suggested and I’ll tell one member.
Sorry to hear people weren’t understanding I haven’t came across that yet but then again only a small handful of people know I’m going through the process they don’t know what stage I’m at and tbh they never really ask, they also don’t consider my feelings when talking about babies and pregnancies but I’m fine with that most people don’t understand especially if they’ve never had to go through it. I’m just so glad there are options and possibilities for all of us that struggling. Medical science really is wonderful.
I haven’t told anyone about my transfers as guess I was protecting myself if it went wrong and had to explain to them it didn’t work. Also, the added pressure. But everyone is different… just do what feels right for you, and what you feel you need x
This is hard and something I’m up and down with about myself. For my first baby I went through several rounds of ivf and only told my mum and MIL. It was very, very isolating but I also felt I was protecting myself from unwanted questions and comments.
Now thanks to my lovely MIL others in the family know that we went through IVF for our first baby and now that we are trying for a second I’ve decided to embrace it and tell people on my own terms and it has surprised me how nice it is to talk to people about it. I’ve also reached out to certain friends to tell them and it has weirdly been a relief and kind of nice to tell people.
In saying that I have been very selective of the friends and family I tell. And I’ve noticed the ones that know from my MIL don’t bring it up to me as I haven’t specifically talked to them about it. Anyway, that is a round about way of saying let some people in, but be selective. You could also set some boundaries like “we are starting a round of IUI, I hate talking about it so I’ll let you know the outcome when we know” or something along those lines. I think people get uncomfortable not knowing what to say and what not to say so having that boundary could be helpful for them too.
Good luck for your next transfer, everything crossed.
I did 3 IUIs as a solo person, throughout each one I spoke with all my friends and was very hopeful so openly sharing all the updates re the LH sticks/going into clinic for scans/the procedure and for the first one it felt exciting but when it didn't work and I went on to others I found it hard that they didn't know what to say (absolutely not their fault) and almost like they stopped talking to me about the everyday stuff, because to them the everyday stuff didn't seem important compared to what I was going through. Also by turning to so many who didn't have much understanding of Infertility it actually raised more worries/questions and took alot of my energy trying to explain it all. I had counselling after and we worked out that by speaking so so many I was reliving the trauma many times over and that's why I felt so lost by the end of it. Seems common sense when you read it like that but not clear when you have a head full.
I have started IVF and although my friends knew that is my intention in the future, only 2 of them (and my Dad) know I'm in a cycle. I have only spoken to 1 of them throughout the stims/EC and talking through some choices. I have found this much easier. I have also used netmums forum (they have a thread for each month) to be speaking with people going through similar who I could run questions by or just not feel so alone. Even though IVF is thought to be more taxing I have honestly felt a world better for not speaking to many people.
Only you can make the choice what's right by you, I guess if you didn't feel lonely or struggling during the initial stages of the IUIs (as you say, wouldn't be telling them about your sex life if with a partner) then don't change it up because someone has asked you to or offered support. Support comes with the expectation of answers and fill with hopefulness and that's then alot on you.
I felt the same as you just don’t tell them and if you need their support at any stage and change your mind you can. It doesn’t matter what they ‘asked’ you to do this is your journey, your business and your experience and they sound lovely and will be there for you either way so don’t give it a second thought! I had 6 IUIs and did have to vaguely tell my sister on some of them as I needed her to cover for me at family events that I couldnt make or drink at but even then I didnt tell her exact details and she never even asked about the result etc. even when we moved to IVF it was the same and my parents never even knew that we were doing any of it whatsoever so I didn’t feel I was letting them down or anything as that was the last thing we needed on top of 6 failed IUIs, a failed transfer, a miscarriage and countless delays including covid! Before it finally worked, even then we didn’t tell them until 9 weeks pregnant in case of another miscarriage. Like you said that’s what people conceiving naturally do so there’s no expectation on you at all, just do what’s right for you xx
So for my first round i told people. I found it added to the stress as everyone wants it to work for you and think they are being helpful by asking how things are going. I found it really hard having to update everyone that it hadn't worked and listen to their suggestions of " just relax" get drink and hsve sex....if only it was that easy. Subsequent rounds i told nobody except my boss as i needed time off work. When it workedvand we went for a 7 week scan, it was lovely to then tell them and show them the scan. Some people feel it is helpful to share with others, but sounds like you wpuld rather keep it to yourself.
For my first round of IVF, I was very open with people about what was going on to try to sort of normalise it. But that meant people were waiting for updates on egg collection, fertilisation etc - it was pretty much unavoidable. It was fine when we had a positive and people knew, but when that turned into a chemical a few days later it was really difficult to un-tell people. Most people would never tell other people that early on for a natural pregnancy.
On the second round, I vowed to tell no-one and I enjoyed the privacy. When we got a negative, I told some people. From then on I’ve kept my cards very close to my chest!
Do whatever feels right for you. You don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to. 💪🏼 xx
Thanks everyone for sharing your own experiences on the matter. Hearing you’ve all had similar dilemmas makes me feel less alone and the different ways you’ve all approached it says there is no right or wrong way I just have to go with what I feel is right for me and my journey. I wish you all the best with your own journeys x Sending lots of baby dust to you all 👼
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