Should I tell people about IVF treatment?

[Kari55]

Hi all, we have decided to start our 2nd IVF in Aug/Sep but I’m not sure if I want to tell family and friends about it. We told quite a few people last time and some of them were great but I think I built a certain expectations around some people and was very upset when they were not met eg. my sister who I’m normally close with seemed to have undermined how hard the process is and didn’t give me the support I hoped for, my in laws had no idea about the IVF so preferred to avoid the subject as found it awkward to be talking about sperms etc. My mum was amazing but seeing her suffering because what I had to go through makes me now think whether I should be putting her through it again.

I would also need to tell my boss as I have a new one since my last IVF. He doesn’t have kids by choice so I’m not sure how this will be seen by him and how this will impact my career.

I wonder if some of you decided to keep it secret. Did you regret it? Should parents and siblings know?

[julietyler]

I completely under stand we’re your coming from I feel the same I told family and friends and I felt all on my own when it never worked first time and I’m due for 2rd round in July from frozen and I’ve not said anything to anyone and I think that’s how me and the oh want it has it’s only us that need each other in this journey I do hope this helps u a bit and good luck with your ivf fingers x for u xx

[Kari55 in reply to julietyler]

Thank you for replying. I’m sorry that you felt on your own during your first try despite telling family and friends. We have felt the same and it really didn’t help. I wish you good luck with your FET xx

[julietyler in reply to Kari55]

Thank u xx

[Hidden]

We kept it secret and I am so happy we did. I wanted to be completely selfish and concentrate on us for a change. And whatever the outcome we didn't have to share it.

For us it was so much less stressful. Now if family/friends make insensitive comments about having kids I cannot get as mad because they don't know.

Everyone is different - but not telling was a lifesaver for us. And if it is a BFP you have 3 months to get your head around it and get to a safe stage in your pregnancy without people having input.

Just our experience but do what feels right for you guys.

Xxx

[Kari55 in reply to Hidden]

Your comments has convinced me about not telling. It is good to know that it meant less stress for you both. In the end of the day the IVF has got nothing to do with anyone else. Ignorance and insensitivity of others can make me really upset. This time we should concentrate on us and keep stress levels down. When we got married people has so much to say, criticising, moaning etc. Last IVF was also full of comments, so I think it’s time for us now. Thank you x

[Hidden in reply to Kari55]

Best of Luck to you both!

You can share the joy with everyone when you get your BFP

Xxx

[Ash2016]

We haven’t told any of our family. We told a few friends - we had a couple of friends who also went through IVF. It was great having them to talk to but after our first failed cycle, I was less keen to discuss it (they were both successful first time) and we didn’t talk to anyone about our second cycle which was a disaster. It is hard only having each other to talk to and sometimes I feel that I’d like to tell my family so they can understand what is going on in my life but I think that it would add extra pressure to the whole situation. I might be wrong but that is where we are at the moment. We start round three on Saturday and it is very much just the two of us this time. I think you should do whatever makes you most comfortable. If you don’t tell them you can always change your mind at any point if you need the support x

[Kari55 in reply to Ash2016]

You are right, I can always change my mind. At the moment Im leaning towards not telling so will definitely try this approach this time. Good luck with your cycle xx

[Ash2016 in reply to Kari55]

You too x

[2-shades-of-hope]

I relate to how you feel about your mum. My parents and grandparents were so upset when our first ivf failed and seeing them cry because of our pain just made me feel even more guilty. This time they know we will be having a FET but not the tww dates so that I can protect them from that anticipation and being let down. My parents in law knew - didn’t stop MIL’s unkind comments - nobody has the right to know just because they are close family xx

[Kari55 in reply to 2-shades-of-hope]

You are right to keep tww dates as a secret. It was very hard when everyone was waiting for that date and then I had to tell everyone. I would like to keep it private, reading some comments here made me convinced about it but my husband is now having second thought and want to tell his parents and sister. I’m not keen on any of them as they haven’t shown much support during ivf and my husband’s recent illness. I hope he changes his mind! Good luck to you xx

[destiny121]

I choose only to tell my mum and thats only beacuse i felt i needed to let her know whats happening as she was there for my laproscopy. My brother only knows that im struggling but i dont tell him that im having an ivf cycle. I dont tell anyone else as i think its private but also if it doesnt work theres no expectations. Only god knows exactly what im going through. Good luck my dear xxx

[Kari55 in reply to destiny121]

Yes, mum falls in a different category than everyone else. I would like to know if it was my daughter. There is still time to think that one through. Good luck to you too xxx

[Kari55]

That’s is a good point, I can’t get too stressed by thinking whether to tell or not to tell Will try to relax about it and listen to my heart (which tell me to keep is private at the moment). Xxx

[Dunla]

Hiya, I can really identify with your post. For some of our first few rounds of IVF we told our immediate family and a few close friends but found it hard then to handle their expectations and well meaning (but sometimes insensitive) comments on top of our own bitter disappointment when treatment failed. As a result anyone we told about our most recent treatment was on a need to know basis and it worked better for us. Good luck with your decision making xx

[Kari55 in reply to Dunla]

Thank you, I will definitely keep it quiet this time although I still might tell my mum. I found really annoying when friends asked me silly questions about the process. Also, I was disappointed that my sister didn’t at least google it to find out a bit about it. I guess everyone is wrapped up in their own life. Best wishes xx

[Hidden in reply to Kari55]

This reminds me when I heard my brother talk about a friend of theirs that went through IVF and he was so so annoying and talking about how easy it was for him and his wife to conceive that I was so happy he didn't know our situation! I am so sorry your sister wasn't more informed and supportive.

Xxx

[Kari55 in reply to Hidden]

My sister hasn’t tried to get pregnant yet and didn’t experience that deep desire of wanting a child and she just wasn’t able to put herself in my shoes. We had an argument about it 5 days after embryo transfer and I don’t think I can go through the same thing again. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Kari55]

I think it is just something hard to understand if you haven't been through it....though some people manage somehow.

I am hoping you get a BFP soon!

Xxx

[Hidden]

Hey lovely, we told many people first time around and it was good to share that burden a bit and explained a lot to my family especially who knew something was up and worrying us. This time with the frozen transfer we've not told anyone to take the pressure off a bit, so totally get where your coming from. With your boss, can't you just be super vague and say you are having "medical treatment?" I did that with my work, but I'm freelance so it's very different.

Very sweet of you to think about your mum in all this, but remember if you need support to ask it of those who love you and they will gladly be there for you xx

[Kari55 in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I’m considering to be super vague with my boss but I’m not sure if I will be able to not to tell him as he is quite direct. I will play it by ear with him. I want to work from home from after the egg collection so need to give him some kind of rationale. xx

[Hidden in reply to Kari55]

In my experience, mentioning it's a "woman's problem" ends the questions with men!! xx