My girl keeps me going but do I tell others?

[Dreamingofbaby]

Hi again guys! This is my gorgeous girl who like others gives me so much strength. She is a bonkers and wonderful thing😊. Just wondered how much you guys told friends and family? I will only just be starting my first cycle if ivf but no one apart from husband of course,one friend & now manager knows that we are doing this. I am not ashamed we have come to accept that this is how it is but my husband is not really wanting to tell others. I partly feel like I do just for support but then understand why he doesn't as know some may judge n not understand which we do not need. How did you lovely people deal with this?

[E_05]

Your girl is gorgeous! I think this is such a hard decision, me and my hubby were the opposite he wanted to be open about it and I didn't. In the beginning we only told my mum & dad, 2 best friends and work but as time has gone we've become more honest with people. I would say it's definitely a personal choice, it can put added pressure everyone knowing but we tend not to tell everyone each detailed steps they just know we're going through IVF. I think being slightly more honest has helped because you don't have to think of excuses as to why your not drinking or find certain occasions more difficult, etc. And like you've said it's all extra support during a really tough time, good luck with your first cycle 🤞x

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to E_05]

Thank you for your input. Good things to think about indeed Oh just got weigh it up a. Thank you to yes she is gorgeous she knows it too☺️

[Mariec7]

Hi Cholecs I love the photo of your girl she's beautiful!

It's a good question that you ask. I personally didn't tell my family and that's because I am not that close to them but if I was I probably would have told them because going through IVF can feel very lonely at times, keeping secrets and hiding away from people. I work for myself so I didn't need to tell bosses. My family can be a bit toxic so I chose not to be around them especially during my 2 week wait but my hubby did tell his parents and they were the only people who knew. They did ask how I was and if it all went ok but that was it. I am close to some of my cousins but I wouldn't tell them about my next IVF. It's a bit crap because I rely on hubby and my dog a lot but I do have a fertility lady I can talk to a bit now which helps. I think it is better to share with someone if you can because like I said it is an Emotional process and I would love support at times especially from mum but I don't have that.

Maybe chose to tell your nearest and dearest. I wish I could but it's just not worth it for me xxxxx have a wonderful day

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Mariec7]

Hey. I can def relate a bit. If I did def wouldn't be my parents either they would not be helpful either. Hmm yep thank you is good things to think about. Def in terms of is it worth it for support as that what we deserve and need😊 Thank you for your input. Best wishes x

[Goldenegg1 in reply to Mariec7]

I feel exactly like you. You need the right people to share with or it’s just more crap you don’t need in a difficult situation.

[Leesalou]

Good luck for your cycle,

My hubby, my hubbies parents (only as they help fund first private cycle)

My 2 sisters

And my work colleague that is all I'm not ashamed either I just choose the fewer the better as I feel that unless you've been through this you don't actually know how it works the process the feelings etc and they assume it's ivf and works just like that, and the other reason I've chosen not to tell everyone is that if it's unsuccessful then I've not got to tell everyone it failed and haven't then got questions every 5 minutes,

But I think everyone is different,

Lovely dog btw, I've got a fur baby there brilliant,

Xx

O and everyone on here I've shared with and I'm so glad of this forum it truly is amazing

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Leesalou]

Sorry your rely is up top of feed too. Keep putting it in the wrong place doh! Thank you though x

[Leesalou in reply to Dreamingofbaby]

I see it thanks xx

[Goldenegg1 in reply to Leesalou]

Your so right people think it will just work and are baffled if it doesn’t and the last thing we need is people asking more questions.

[Dreamingofbaby]

Yeah I agree this forum has been ace. So good to beable to safely get things off your mind with people I know will understand! Thank you! Like you that worries me too that ppl with have lots of questions and not understand even if they mean well. Def good points you make. I guess i thought too that people don't generally say either if they are trying.. (if is planned) so guess in some ways can be similar though harder process of course. Hmm good things to think about thank you. Well least got my doggy. Yeah she is so beautiful thank you. She knows it too! Is far too spoilt hehe😊

[Leesalou in reply to Dreamingofbaby]

Mine is very spoilt too,

Only you can decide who to open up to, when do you start xx

[CountryCat]

Your Alastian is completely magnificent!! My in-laws used to have three - sadly now all doggie angels. They are a brilliant breed!

Completely up to you. You will know what feels comfortable and should always trust your gut. I only told my sister, who lives 11,000km away and my husband told his parents. That was enough for us as we are very private people.

Always do what makes you feel happier and more comfortable. Wishing you much luck with your cycle xxx

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to CountryCat]

Oops did it again I replied to you in wrong place. It at top☺️😋

[Dreamingofbaby]

Thank you!! They are indeed a brilliant breed would recommend them to all !! Sad about in laws dogs. Think they will get others?

Yep def personal decision but nice to have people to help look at pros and cons and unravel my thought process 😊. Thank you. The support on here is ace!!

[London7]

I told my family, one or two people at work who had to know (to explain absences) and most of my friends. The latter had pros and cons. On the plus side, it meant I felt like I could still live a "normal" life during treatment - could have dinners and go out with friends and they would understand why I wouldn't drink and would often want to go home early. And some of them were really supportive. The downside was I had a couple of friends who just said really annoying and sometimes upsetting things - not deliberately but just out of ignorance about how I was feeling and what IVF involves. I don't regret telling friends but if I had my time again might be a bit pickier about who I told! Although that is hard too - some of the ones who said idiotic things I wouldn't have imagined would do so. Anyway, it really is a personal decision. Good luck! X

[Mariec7 in reply to London7]

I think that's my fear a bit where people who have not been through the process do not understand how it all works and what you have been through already leading up to the IVF. I know some people who are upset that IVF is even available on the NHS. Many people do not think this is right and i have heard people say that some people are just not meant to procreate!! It is extremely upsetting but not a reason not to tell loved ones if you can.

[London7 in reply to Mariec7]

I saw some comments along those lines when I stupidly read the below the line comments on a news article the other day. Drives me mad. The NHS can fund viagra for men but not IVF? Grrr! Luckily I knew none of my friends would have that reaction and none did. The unhelpful comments were more along the lines of people either treating it as just a process bound to result in success (asking whether I was going to have one or twins before I'd even started - as if it was a dead certainty it would work!), suggesting I was making too big a deal with it ("I've a friend who did IVF, they were fine. It is really easy and always works these days") or coming up with their own stupid suggestions of what I should do ("have you tried acupuncture?" "Maybe you just need to relax"). But they were very much in the minority and most of my friends were great. One even sent me a huge bunch of flowers the day after EC!

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to London7]

Thank you for your honest response. I totally get that think that's what I fear too the unhelpful comments from people who don't understand 😕 know I saw that article too and it so scary how many ignorant and quite spiteful people there are out there really. Well actually it's not that surprising but it is horrible to see it. Can't believe the attitude of the NHS with this too. I am very fortunate where I am that I am just in the age bracket to have one round on the NHS .Couple years older and I would have missed out due to all the cuts. It getting so sad the world we live in at times. But on the plus side it is brilliant to have an opportunity like this and I think the ppl I have told will be enough I have decided 😊. Thank you for sharing both of u is so helpful. Totally understand ☺️. Take care x

[Goldenegg1 in reply to Mariec7]

It makes me so angry inside when people say ridiculous things like that. It’s not for anybody else to comment on. It’s like it wasn’t meant to be so get over it. 😡

[Hampshiregal]

Both me & OH talked about ivf to friends, family, work colleagues when we started as so excited about the thought of starting a family. However, over time (I'm on 4th cycle) I find, I don't get the 'good lucks' and 'fingers crossed' anymore. I find people change the subject now as they don't know what to say. I feel that people's sympathy have run out. The first year, its there but now gone.

Or in the case of my OHs family member, they sat me down to tell me I'm too old to have children, I should stop wasting money on ivf, accept it's not going to work and just spend the cash going on nice holidays.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, it that you need to prepared for some unhelpful comments. My OH tells to have a thicker skin but he's not on all the drugs.

Lovely photo xx

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Hampshiregal]

Thank you for sharing. Yep that makes sense. Just never know and yeah can imagine that not overly helpful comments at times. Know some my family would be very unhelpful mostly due to lack of understanding and experience. Agree with you too re OH they can be supportive but can never completely get the experience on the body. Men get the easier straw I reckon☺️

Best wishes for all this. Thank you x

[Fredaflintstone]

Hi there - I love Alsatians/German Shepherds is there a difference? My Nan always had them - lovely dogs.

We've told our close family, close friends and those at work who need to know i.e. my line managers. I felt I needed to tell people who I usually socialise with to explain why I'm not being as sociable/not drinking etc. That works for me because it means I can be honest with those I am close to about what is going on in my life. Most are supportive enough. Some say insensitive things - usually family I find.

I have told some of my wider circle too - all of whom had children without any difficulties - to explain why I won't be meeting them for dinner - all they do is speak babies and that's just not working for me right now - and is a tad boring in any event. Some of them can also be quite insensitive about all sorts and are a bit show offy in general - it's helped me to cut loose from those relationships and appreciate who my real friends are.

But we are all different and all cope with things in different ways so it's important to do what is right for you. Wishing you the best of luck xx

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you for sharing. So helpful. No difference between Alsatians and German shepherd dog. Same dog completely, they are known as German shepherd dog now though. It was changed back to this from Alsatian. The British named them Alsatian after the war as they did not want German in the name 😂 all good know though 😊 That great nan had them they are amazing dogs for sure. She def is my rock.

Totally get that with telling others and yeah bet it can be a way of ironing out the supportive and not a😊 that's brilliant you've had some good support. That's what I hope but hard to say until you tell people I guess😊

Take care and best wishes with everything x

[Fredaflintstone]

Thank you - you too!

Well you learn something new every day! I didn't know that! I've always wondered.

Mostly I find that people don't seem to know what to say and aren't always that supportive or insensitive- mostly they're pretty neutral. I think sometimes those who are closest seem to be the least supportive/most insensitive because we expect more from them. I think I've learnt not to seek/expect too much from others and to share my thoughts on here instead where everyone understands what we're going through. But it does help me to have told people close to me perhaps so they can give me a big of space xx

[Dreamingofbaby in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Hehe you are welcome. Yep that does make complete sense. That hope and expectation of how you think friends should be.

Sounds like just chatting on here is gonna happen lots then😊

Thank you for your advice. Very useful ☺️

[Magc27]

She's beautiful, how old is she? I told my family and to be honest don't know why I bothered, they never asked what's happening, it's like they don't know, which upsets me so I do wish I haven't told them, my hubby hasn't told his parents which is fine it's his choice but all the support i get is from him and knowing there will be a rainbow 🌈 after the rain ☔️ xx best of luck

[MimiSvet]

do whatever you feel like you should do - if you dont want people to know then they shall not. Your girl is a true babe, such a pretty dog, makes me want to hug her.

[Goldenegg1]

I think that’s a joint decision and in my experience I found it harder to share because people didn’t understand. They said the wrong things and with the stress of fertility treatment and the questioning from close friends who didn’t get it, I avoided talking to them about it.

My mistake I went in all excited that any clinic would actually try to help me and then told a few close friends in my excitement.

Wished I hadn’t now after a few failed treatments.

You know your friends and if you feel you need to share then it can be a good source of support ( right friend needed).

Remember there are always the counselling option offered by the clinic if you need an understanding ear. Or this sites been good..

I know this is a mixed bag of thoughts 🤔 🤭