Utter despair after failed fertility treatment

[Citizenerased83]

Hi everyone, I have been undergoing fertility treatment for over two years now. In this time we had three unsuccessful rounds of IUI. I have pcos so was told I had to have IUI first before the NHS would consider funding IVF. I had IVF last July and was at risk of OHSS so had to freeze all eight embryos. First embryo transfer resulted in pregancy but then I miscarried. Second embryo transfer, same thing happened so had two miscarriages three months apart. Third embryo transfer was two weeks ago and treatment protocol was changed at my request as I'd heard of studies where using letrozole for women with pcos had been successful. Clinic I'm with was familiar with this research so allowed the change in protocol. This week we found out our frozen embryo transfer didn't work. This news was a day after what would have been my due date. Feel utter despair. I'm so heartbroken and have lost so much hope. We have five embryos left but I can't help but feel they are all duds. Considered PGT-A testing but the scientific evidence isn't there to suggest it actually helps. Turn 40 at the end of the year and feeling so low about all of this. Feel like I'm drowning some days, in a sea of sadness.

[LuxFleur]

Hello lovely, it's normal to feel this way. It's amazing that you got 8 embryos from just that one collection. You're right that the PGT-A testing may not be worth it, I've read about those latest studies too. But the good news, of course, is that you still have five more embryos to try. For my last collection, I was convinced that it could not have worked under any circumstances. Only 1 egg even fertilized, and I was actively sick with Covid during stimulation and had pneumonia. I thought there was no way that the embryo would be strong enough to implant. But I am currently 7w2d pregnant with that embryo and we saw a strong heartbeat last week. And I'm 44. It's still early days, and since I've also had two miscarriages, I am very much aware that it could all still go away. But I wanted to give you some hope that you really never know. Getting a BFN after a transfer is so devastating, especially the first time. But five embryos is a lot of embryos! Miscarriage is a huge loss, and grieving them can really take a long time. So much more so than our culture really allows for. Take the time to grieve but know that you have a lot of hopeful options left. xo

[Citizenerased83 in reply to LuxFleur]

Hello LuxFleur, thanks so much for taking the time to message. We were really pleased when we got told we had eight viable embryos ( as I know not everyone is so lucky). After the miscarriages I read a response from a fertility expert to a woman who had lots of eggs from her egg collection and a high number of viable embryos. She was told that the medication protocol she was on may have been too high and that can result in lower quality eggs. It has stuck in my head since and worries me. So much uncertainty with all of this.

I'm so sorry that you've had two miscarriages too. It is so devastating. I really hope this pregnancy works for you and you have a smooth journey from now on.

It does feel that people often expect you to just get over a miscarriage quickly. Not something you ever get over.

Thank you so much for reassuring me and for feeling hopeful on my behalf. Xxx

[LuxFleur in reply to Citizenerased83]

It's really true that you never truly get over the losses. You get through it, but not over it, if that makes sense. I hope you can be gentle with yourself xo

[Citizenerased83 in reply to LuxFleur]

That does make sense. Thanks so much LuxFleur! Xx

[Twiglet2]

I get why you are feeling disheartened and impatient, I felt the exact same at your stage (I had to have 6 IUIs first too then had a miscarriage in second IVF transfer) it took us until the 4th embryo to get lucky so hang in there!

8 embryos good enough to freeze is a fantastic result and still 5 to try with is also great but totally get why you feel like you do! The ‘good news’ is that the protocols did seem to work a couple of times in terms of timing for implantation but it’s likely embryo wasn’t going to be viable (was what I was told when it happened to us).

If I were you I wouldn’t PGT-A test now that they are frozen either due to the thaw and re freeze part but perhaps a couple of double transfers will speed things up in terms of seeing if the embryos are viable? Wishing you lots of luck and remember it’s sometimes a game of odds and sprinkle of luck even with all the science this IVF malarkey! 💜🤗 xx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Twiglet2]

Hi Twiglet2,Thanks so much for your message.I'm so sorry you had to go through 6 IUIs before you could do IVF and also had a miscarriage. So heartbreaking. I'm very glad to hear that your 4th embryo transfer worked. ❤

I'm feeling more hopeful after reading your message and also after the other replies I've received. It's never easy all of this but really hope it'll be our turn soon.

I was thinking that too about the double transfers. Will ask the doctor next week when we have our consultation.

Thanks re PGT-A testing. It's reassuring to know we made the right decision.

Thank you for all of your good wishes. Need a big sprinkling of baby dust xx

[HedgehogMad]

Hi lovely, so sorry to hear you are going through this. It gets worse with every failure. We are doing ICSI for male factor problems and have transferred 6 blastocysts so far with no luck. I struggle to feel positive that it will ever work for us. But there are stories of women finally getting their take home baby after multiple transfers so there is hope out there.I find it helpful pursuing my hobbies and spending time with child free friends, it helps me remember that life without children is still fulfilling and enjoyable. You are not alone in your struggles and a lot of us understand how you feel. Sending lots of love xxx

[Citizenerased83]

Hi HedgehogMad, thank you for your message.So sorry to hear about your struggles too. It is so tough to keep going isn't it but I really hope your next transfer works ❤ Sending you so many positive vibes and baby dust.

You're right about the hope. There is still hope for us both.

Spending time with child free friends is a good idea as I find friends with kids can be rather insensitive and moan about their kids which isn't helpful when you're on the infertility treatment rollercoaster.

Thanks so much. Sending you lots of love too xxx

[blueskyy2]

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. 8 frozen embryos is a fantastic result and the omens are really really good for you to have sucess in this or future cyces.

Just to offer a slightly different perspective, as our stats were somewhat similar and I have done a ton of scientific research on this.

I am 41, just did a freeze all cycle with PGTA testing, 7 day 5 embyros biopsied, only one euploid embyro. We would both love to have more than one child so our plan has always been to bank any euploid embryos we are lucky enough to get and continue with one/more cycles to maximise the chances of achieving our goal.

Part of the reason for this is, if we were lucky enough to have a healthy baby from the one embyro we have made (which would be amazing of course), by the time we got around to trying again for baby number 2 my egg quality would have further deteriorated and it would be harder again to produce euploid embryos. Agreed PGTA testing really doesn't increase success rate as it cannot change the genetic make-up of the embryos you have. However, over the age of 35 the number of genetically normal viable embryos produced per cycle decreases significantly. At age 40 I believe approximately one in 4-5 embryos would be expected to be euploid. So at your age 39, similar or a little better. My take on it for my personal situation is, if we had not PGTA tested, we would potentially have gone through multiple FET's with embryos that were never viable, however some may have implanted and resulted in early miscarriages. Personally I am glad to have saved myself & my partner the heartache of multiple losses, but also saved those precious months where we could have done another cycle rather than time wasted hoping for success that was unfortunately never going to happen. Unfortunately we cannot afford to waste any time at this point.

I say none of this to sound preachy or suggest you should go back & PGTA test the embryos (That would require a discussion with your doctor regarding the risks etc or thaw & re freeze to your embryos which I believe is small but not insignificant), but you also seem happy with this decision for you which is a completely personal one.

However without PGTA perhaps it would help to look at the stats objectively which are:

You are REALLY REALLY lucky to have produced so many embryos. Statistically approximately 2 of those embryos are likely euploid (more if you are lucky, less if unlucky). You may just not have gotten to them yet! Also, the fact you produced so many good embryos would suggest if you need to or decide to do another cycle, you are likely to produce similar numbers.....& its a numbers game, so more numbers - more success. I say none of this lightly and in no way am I trying to minimize the incredible pain I am sure you are feeling. But there is so much attrition in the IVF road after 35, it takes incredible strength & fortitude to keep going through the losses. As a scientist, it helps me to set realistic expectations that are driven by data so the devastation is lessened when we get bad news (ie, we had high hopes for more euploid embryos out of 7, but in reality 1 is about average, we were incredibly lucky to get one and more would have been an expected bonus). Breaking things down like this for my partner who is not a scientist helps to keep us on less of an emotional rollercoaster... its such a long road and if you have the emotional and monetary capacity to keep going I believe you will have success.

None of the above may help for you, but just in case reframing outcomes and expectations is of any help I wanted to offer a different perspective. You are doing amazing and I wish you so much luck with your future embryos xxx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to blueskyy2]

Hi blueskyy2,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me.

Firstly, good luck with your next ivf cycle and I really hope your dream of having a child and potentially more than one, comes true.

I appreciate the different perspective. It is a gamble not doing the pgt-a testing because as you say, every time you do a FET transfer you do lose precious time if it doesn't work out. We considered this all and it tore us up, trying to make a decision but for us the thought of embryos being discarded because they looked abnormal that could have gone on to become healthy babies was too much. We did speak to a genetic counsellor too which was helpful.

Thank you for all the reassurance and helping me to look at things from a different perspective. It is really appreciated. We're not ready to give up just yet; we went through so much to get those embryos so want to continue on this journey, even though it can be so tough at times.

Thank you so much for your good wishes and I really wish the same for you too xxx

[Kitkat10]

Hi, I’m so sorry you have gone through this but I want you to know that there is every chance there will be a good outcome from your remaining embryos. To get 8 embryos is absolutely amazing! I started ivf at 39 and I have now had 6 transfers resulting in 1 baby so out of 8 you have better chances than I did.

It is true that due to decreasing egg quality, the percentage of normal blastocysts at our age is less than in our 20s but.. with your numbers it is still much more likely to be a successful outcome than not. I know this won’t make you feel any better but it is also very positive that you have been pregnant because uterine receptivity is also half the challenge. So I truly think your time is close, keep going, I 100% know how hard this time is, and it’s tough to endure so look after yourself well and please try and keep positive 🍀🍀 xx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Kitkat10]

Hi Kitkat10

Thanks so much for your message.

I'm sorry you had to go through so many embryo transfers. It is so hard but I'm really glad you now have a baby. ❤

Thank you for reassuring me and giving me hope that there is still a good possibility that it will work for us. Fingers crossed.

I'll try my best to look after myself. I started a new job two months ago so it's been quite tough trying to get my head around that as well as fertility treatment failures but thankfully my manager has been supportive. I took some days off this week at short notice for some R&R.

Xx

[Vmi9]

hi citizenerased83, I had 6 failed IUI and today I found out that my fet (frozen embryo transfer) failed, i to had to freeze my 7 embies because I had OHSS with my 6 IUI, I ended up in the hospital with the most excruciating pain. I have 6 embryos left. I did the PGT-A, and was told our embryo was great however still lead it to fail. I have been crying since 11am today and I’m starting to feel as if I’ll never get pregnant. However, we can’t lose hope yet. I prayer you get your baby soon. 🙏🏼💕

[Citizenerased83]

Oh I'm so sorry Vmi9. You've been through so much and I can understand why you're feeling so heartbroken. Be kind to yourself. Thank you so much. I really hope you get your baby soon too. Sending you lots of love and baby dust. Xx