Scared and heart broken

[Yuki33]

Hi everyone,

I've never posted on an online network before but I really need to vent and see if anyone has any words of wisdom.

I had a missed miscarriage last February after an agonising 2 week wait to see whether I'd just gotten my dates wrong or my baby didn't actually have a heartbeat. It took months for the miscarriage to end, and repeated trips to the hospital. It's destroyed me.

Ever since, my periods have been all over the place, or sometimes non-existent. We've been trying to get pregnant ever since, every month getting my hopes up from a missed period. I've been for blood tests, more internal tests that I care to remember, private appointments. It's getting us nowhere.

Today we got the results of my husbands sperm analysis and it's not good. I've been put on the NHS waiting list and told it's a 9-12 month wait. I can't afford to go private. I'm scared of what's to come, angry beyond belief and so sad that what I want most in life seems to be moving further and further from my reach. I'm exhausted hoping and trying to stay positive.

Is anyone else in the same boat right now, or been through this? I wish someone could just tell me it's all going to be ok. I feel like I'm going mad worrying about this

[Jess1981]

I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I've had 3 early losses and 1 late loss of our daughter at 20 weeks pregnant to get our daughters ( one turning 4 years old Monday other one 15 months old.) Our first BFP was a chemical pregnancy but a year later and 2 more surgeries for my endometriosis we went to conceive and have our eldest daughter and after late loss and 2 miscarriages had our youngest daughter even tho we had our eldest daughter it was still totally devastating and felt we would never be able to give her a sibling. But we got through it and didn't give up. I'm sorry to hear waiting times the nhs is full of them ( I've encountered loads for my eldest daughter who is now diagnosed autistic) I would say there is no reason why you can't go onto have a successful pregnancy lots of women who suffer miscarriage do go onto have a baby. After miscarriage you should be more fertile and it's really encouraging you conceived naturally no reason why you can't again. ( sorry if this isn't a helpful response- trying to be positive & supportive) I hope you plenty of support. Miscarriages are devastating even more so after trying for a long time ( it took us 7 years to conceive our eldest daughter) Fingers crossed that you don't need that referral ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 Xx

[Katiee1]

Hi, I’m so sorry for you loss. My first pregnancy ended in MMC and I know just how heartbreaking it is. We were trying for nearly two years before that first pregnancy and like you, were told my husbands sperm count low low. Since then we’ve had three early losses and I’m now 25 weeks pregnant! I would take the sperm thing with a pinch of salt. We were about to start IVF several times and fell pregnant just before each time so we never actually got there. I know just how mentally draining the waiting and the unknown is and feeling like ‘why me?!’. There were times I never thought we’d get anywhere and been at rock bottom because of it. This whole thing is so unfair and unjust. This is your journey though and you have to believe (I know how hard is to have belief) that your time will come! If you need to message or anything, my inbox is always open. Please don’t feel alone in all of this xx

[Yuki33 in reply to Katiee1]

Thankyou so much for this, you have no idea how much it means to hear someone who has been in a similar situation and to hear you've become pregnant (congrats by the way, although I'm sure it's also a very scary journey). I think rock bottom describes pretty much where I am right now and it's getting in the way of everything - my job, my marriage, just feeling like me. I feel like a big ball of worry all the time, unable to laugh or enjoy the things I used to. As you say, just very unfair and difficult to get your head around why it's happening to you while you have to watch friends and family get what they want with apparent ease. Again thankyou so much for your kind words. Gives me hope that things might just work out before we even get to the point of IVF xx

[BBHH1]

sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are devastating and it’s normal to feel hopeless when no one is taking care of you and you are on a wait list. A common concern is that fertility decrease over time and people are worried to miss the window. Though that is true it tends to be a slow decrease over time so it’s not likely that in one year you are much less fertile than now. Also if you that time to work on your body in other ways it may feel less of a wast and more of an investment and part of your journey which can make it less heavy on you. Things you can do. Work with your primary care and OB to investigate things that are classified as “woman’s health” but affect infertility such as hormonal imbalance (thyroid, parathyroid hormone, prolactins, diabetes or insulin intolerance etc), uterus (fibroids, endometrioses, cervix epitelial dysplasias etc). Start taking supplements CoQ10, consider DHEA if older and açaí berry has initial data that are promising. Açaí should be safe DHEA needs a risk and benefit assessment. Track your cycles at home so you learn your body, track LH and progesterone. Keep up and have hope! Best wishes

[Yuki33 in reply to BBHH1]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm 33, and I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes you are made to feel that from the age of 30 onwards everything goes drastically downhill so thanks for putting that into a wee bit of perspective for me.

I've had a horrendously stressful year outwith the miscarriage. The timing couldn't have been any worse to be honest because I lost the baby just as I was in the process of launching my own business (I often wonder if the two are related....). Potentially due to extreme stress levels, being on my feet for 14 hours a day, not eating proper meal, my periods have been all over the place. I don't think it's coincidence that I have now given up the pub and my periods (fingers crossed) seem to be starting to get back on track. My husband ran the pub with me and I wonder if reduction in stress may cause his sperm to normalise? I don't know. I'm trying to hope.

Great to know of supplements etc. that may help. We had Impryl recommended to us, I don't know if anyone on here has any experience of this? x

[Jess1981 in reply to Yuki33]

I just want to say it is not your fault you lost the baby. I know we tend to blame ourselves after a miscarriage/s. Women have babies in war zones so they would be very stressed out. I was also 40 having my youngest daughter At 33 you have time on your side ❤️. Fertility decreases much later yuan media like to portray. My ex FS said fertility drops more like mid/ late 40. Even then women have babies. My mum knew a lady who tried for years and years had several unsuccessful ivfs but conceived and had twins at 50 a boy and girl. Miracles can and do happen ⭐️ Xx