end our journey and goodbye

[BECIO]

hi everyone

Posting here as part of my ending after 5 years of trying to have a baby we’ve decided to stop. We had our 3rd final NHS round so many ups and downs, egg collection they didn’t think there would be any eggs I was so happy and felt it was a miracle when I had 4!! We were so happy for a day, 2 fertilised we kept hope as 4 is more than we’ve ever had, then one stopped, the other was abnormal we told ourselves we only need one, we kept the hope and dream alive and on the day of transfer on my way to acupuncture they phoned to cancel. They said there is a small chance that the embryo could make it but I gave up and the next day they said they weee disposing of our last embryo. This was 3 weeks ago now. After being in a pit of depression I’ve actually started to feel better….well ok. We decided we can’t do it anymore to my body, my mind and our relationship. And going into this round said we wouldn’t do anymore and would apply to adopt. I feel very sad but have also shut it away. But I’m really surprised myself that I do also feel ok. It took weeks to get out of the habit of all the supplements, and I’ve been eating what I want and not worrying about that has given me a sense of freedom I haven’t had for such a long time. I think a small part of me hopes we would conceive naturally and I wonder where I will be in a few months fome after it’s really hit me. I’ve stopped all my supplements subscriptions, and to emails , groups, podcasts, stopped following accounts on instagram, YouTube, stopped tracking my cycle, deleted all the apps.. it’s made me realise how much fertility has become a part of my life. But I still can’t throw away the letter saying we had 4 eggs…. And all my rainbow and pineapple pictures around the house. I also felt I needed to write this post here to say goodbye to this community which has become a part of my life for so long. I want to wish all of you trying so much luck, love and baby dust. I’m not there yet but on my journey to acceptance and peace. Any ladies who have stopped the journey I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading xxx

[Comfortingsoul]

Hi BECIO, that was an emotional read, I really felt that. I think you’re incredibly strong to reach this point and I’m glad you’re finding some peace in your decision however difficult that has been. It’s the toughest journey, draining on our mind, body and soul and absolutely affects our relationships too. I’m so sorry you didn’t get your miracle. Adopting is something we’ve talked about too and it takes a special person to walk that journey, I think your very special and the adopted baby that finds itself in your arms will be incredibly lucky to have a love you have ready for them. Good luck to you and lots of love ❤️

[Linny12]

Hi, I'm sorry IVF hasn't worked out, but you will have a happy life, whether that is through adopting or conceiving naturally, or maybe even both. I've seen plenty of people who conceived naturally after adopting. X

[Hidden]

Hi Becio, this really did bring a little tear to me eye and how true that fertility really does become our life. A chapter in our life that we can’t stay in forever (although parts of it will always be with us whatever the outcome) and what amazing strength and courage you’ve had to experience 5 long years of it. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the miracle you hoped for.

Whatever comes next, you will find happiness and you will be a peace, however long it takes. Wishing you all the best on your next chapter to adoption, thank you for sharing your journey.xxx

[kayray87]

Hi Becio,

I just wanted to say thank you for leaving this message. It shows such strength and bravery to do so. I often think the only stories that are told are the miracle stories which are amazing to hear but are not reality for everyone. You deserve for your reality to be honoured too ❤️

I agree with other posters that it takes a very special person to adopt and I send you every good wish to you as you move forward with and reclaim your life xxxxx

[Skittles11 in reply to kayray87]

I whole heartedly agree with what kayray87 has said here. We often hear about the stories that had the miracle ending following fertility treatment but it is quite rare that we hear of those that did not end this way. Thank you for sharing such an honest and vulnerable piece of your story, I truly hope your journey to peace and acceptance becomes calmer as you move through it. Xx

[kayray87]

I also meant to add that I think Fertility Network has a group Moving on from Treatment and they do support groups, in case you would find this useful to talk to others xxx

[Nic_o_la_la]

Felt all your emotions in this one BECIO I think it takes so much courage and bravery to reach acceptance and decide enough is enough. I’m sure things will be up and down for a while emotionally but sending you so much love, luck and strength for whatever journey comes for you next ❤️❤️‍🩹 xxx

[ChisChis]

Dear BECIO thank you for sharing your journey with us. You’re incredibly brave for voicing and trying to accept what so many on this platform fear so much, the life “after” without (biological) children. I have only used this platform in a mostly passive way and you were pretty much the only person I chatted to a tiny bit privately a couple of years ago when we were starting our first IVF and I found this really helpful. I wish you all the best for your future and genuinely believe you will find freedom and fulfilment on the other side. Lots of love xxx

[Krystal_43]

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ I wish you all the best in your next chapter 🤞🤞 keep us all updated. Xxxx

[WillowPark]

Thanks for writing this BECIO , like others have found it very honest and emotional to read. Good luck on your next journey. It takes so much courage to take back your life from infertility, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[Renk]

Hi Becio. I feel for you as I have also ended my ivf journey last year. I was trying to get pregnant for the last 16 years. Did 5 cycles of ivf through donor eggs but unsuccessful. The last failed ivf cycle I had made me quite upset. From then I decided to accept the reality that I cannot have a successful pregnancy and I learnt to move on. Both my husband and I are content and happy that we gave our best to become parents . Being diagnosed with premature ovarian failure 16 years ago made me realize how precious life is and how we should live life to the fullest and enjoy each moment together ❤️. Find happiness in small things in life and life is not about perfection. May you find your happiness soon. Best wishes . Take care sweet

[Lana2009]

Hi,

Wow! You’ve had a tough time but I’m glad you’ve made the decision to stop. It sounds like it’s the right decision for you and a somewhat freeing! IVF does just take over your life - everything gets put on hold. Even if you stop for a while and come back to it, it will give you some strength and clarity.

Now I didn’t stop, but I was very close to and was exploring my options before my last transfer. I read a book called Instant Mom. Is written by the actress, Nia Vardalos who wrote and starred in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. After many many failed cycles she adopted her daughter. I can’t recommend the book enough. Now she’s obviously in the US so her experience of adoption and the red tape is different to ours but I still found it extremely comforting. She puts into words a lot of what I had been feeling and experiencing. I don’t think it’s wildly expensive. But If you can’t find an affordable copy, message me and I’ll happily send you my copy.

Anyway, I’m so sorry youve had such a difficult time. Sending you so much love and strength for the next part of your journey to becoming parents. Families are made in so many ways ❤️🥰 (Mine are from Donor Eggs!) They are all so precious and adoption is amazing!

Love

Xxxx

[Applepie7]

This was very emotional and heartbreaking to read but to make this decision takes a very strong woman. I hope you find inner strength and peace and can close this chapter know you tried your best. This is one of the toughest journey fertility consumes you and it plays havoc on your mental, emotional and physical health. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope the adoption plans go well the baby/child you adopt will be very lucky to have you as its mama take care xx

[Milo2011]

Oh darling. I’m sorry to hear that. I also had a BFN on 27th of September followed by a bereavement in our family so didn’t get a chance to grieve over my loss. It was my first cycle at 40 and they retrieved 4 eggs of which 2 developed to blastocysts so I had my hopes really high there. I had an endometrial polyp that was captured half way through the cycle so had to freeze the embryos and operate on the polyps and resume the treatment which took a good six months and everyday of those months I was thinking of my babies in the lab. I was dreaming of them and picturing my days with them when they come to this world. It’s hard for my friends and family including my partner to relate to this as they’ve not been on this journey and my partner fails to understand how much the ivf has mentally hit me. I am not keen to take further treatments and was more keen to go down the adoption route but taking to may partner it seems that wouldn’t be an option as he insists on either biological child or no child. He says he has doubts about loving an adopted child as much as his biological child and has left me making a decision to choose between him as adoption. We are due couples counselling and hope we can communicate better in our sessions but I feel I am in a very lonely place right now. I also try to understand his point of view and appreciate adoption might not be for everyone. My other option would be donor egg which still won’t guarantee success and in my opinion is not too different to adoption. Thank you so much for sharing your story and making me feel I’m not alone. Big hugs and best wishes with your adoption xxx

[CardiGrey]

Hi BECIO, really brave of you to share this. I think writing is very therapeutic and hopefully you sharing this here can be a part of your healing process. Naturally, you’ll be experiencing the stages of grief. Some days you may feel better, others angry and sad. I think it’s important to honour however you’re feeling at any given time. My older sister is adopted and then my mom had me. My mom experienced many losses and a still birth of twins, but she finally had her two girls- one adopted and one conceived naturally. My sister and I are not treated any differently. My sister made my mom a mom and no amount of biology or DNA can change that. If you decide to adopt, the same will be said for you when you get your baby. You WILL be their mother. Whatever way motherhood comes to you, it will be the right way for you. Thinking of you and praying for your peace and healing 🤍

[Milo2011 in reply to CardiGrey]

I wish your sister could tell my partner that DNA plays no part in making a family. I also believe motherhood shapes in our hearts and minds rather than our wombs but very hard to make my partner understand that. 💔

[Ecbe]

Thankyou BECIO for such an honest post, I am sorry for all your heartbreak along the IVF journey. I am lucky enough to have an adopted nephew and he is just the most loved and lovely boy there is. As others said DNA means nothing when it comes to family, giving a young child a chance of a loving home is an incredible thing to do.

I wish you all the very best in your future journey.

[Roellen]

Oh my goodness I'm crying the River Shannon for you both 😢 What a heartbreaking post to read! NO doubt ye put in every effort, energy, everything ye had to give. I really wish ye all the very very best on your adoption journey ❤️

[SushiTilly]

Writing openly about completing IVF and taking a new path is hardest part of the journey. Everyone has to consider when to stop. Life feels on hold and feels precious. We have end point in sight, it may become a true reality. I can feel sometimes sense of relief when cycle ends, purely to end anticipation and effects of the drugs. Feel empty and lost with one's identity, purpose, and fear of redesigning life expectations. Takes a toll. Whatever you do next, it'll be fine, life will take on new purpose, new routine and life expectations will form. It's point between now and then which feels hardest to tread. I hope you find peace and family of your own. In my case we have our dog, just three of us, our focus on our careers, and building community of friends. Somehow we've got more childless friends, lots of social activities. For once I'm not dreading Christmas, slightly dreading a wedding. Some days other people's news hit me and some days other people's news wash over me. I think IVF changes you, also makes you stronger and value own life, it was bloody miracle we made it here, that's what IVF taught me. Embryo version of me stuck, grew and crept out into the world, so love it to bits. You are here!

All the best. Xx