The end of my IVF journey

[neonpg]

Today is 8dp5dt, I'm bleeding and looking down at yet another BFN. After a 2-year TTC journey that's seen us go through 4 IVF rounds, 3 IUIs, 2 clinics and one devastating miscarriage, we're officially throwing in the towel.

Thank you so much for everyone who has supported me on this forum for the last 8 months. You're all absolute warriors and I wish you nothing but peace and joy, no matter the outcome of your journeys.

I'll leave you with a poem I wrote this week.

---

What if what you want doesn't come with the ease of the tide?

Or slip beneath the sheets and nestle inside

of that space you've held so patiently?

What if it stings? Like the point of a needle, like paper cuts on the shards of a broken promise.

What if it swallows you whole? Days lost in the belly of grief. Spitting you out raw and blistered in acidic shame.

What if it scars? Fights so violently in your grasp. Makes the soft parts hard, ribs too sore to laugh.

(What if you can't touch it at all?)

When all you've known is struggle, all red palms and white knuckles. And if it won't come willingly. And it won't come peacefully.

What if

you

let go?

[Millbanks]

My love, what a heartbreakingly beautiful poem.

I’m so sorry that your journey has come to an end, it’s such a brave decision to make.

The journey of IVF robs you of so much, least of all time - so I hope you can have lots of time to enjoy life somewhat once your grieving is done.

I wish you all the best with the future, whatever that looks like.

Much love, Millbanks xxx

[neonpg in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you so much for your support. It's been a really tough decision, but as I sit here enjoying my first caffeinated coffee in months, I am feeling a little bit of quiet peace.

[Kmcdon]

What an amazing poem. It really captures the agony of IVF. I’m sorry to hear about your journey. It is so hard. Sending love. Xx

[neonpg in reply to Kmcdon]

Thank you so much. And yes it's hard, no matter the outcome x

[Anonymou5]

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve come to this decision, it’s not an easy one to accept. I just wanted to let you know, that you are not alone. Take time and be kind to yourself xxx

[neonpg in reply to Anonymou5]

Thank you so much, that really does mean a lot. All I really see are the stories with a happy ending, so in a way it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in this.

[fidgetmcgee]

oh I’m so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your poem, it’s really beautiful written

Wishing for happier times for you soon xx

[neonpg in reply to fidgetmcgee]

Thank you so much. You've left some lovely messages on my most recent posts that have beeen hugely appreciated. I wish you and your partner all the peace and happiness x

[fidgetmcgee in reply to neonpg]

Oh thank you so much, I was following your posts, my heart really went out to you. I wish you and your partner all the best as well, wishing you both love, beauty and adventure in this next chapter xx

[Claryfri]

I am heartbroken for you and your partner. You have been so kind to me and I just want to give you a massiv hug.

I wish all the love and light in life. You deserve it.

[neonpg in reply to Claryfri]

Thank you so much for the hug. It's been really hard but we're looking for the love and light. We'll get there.

[Tamaa]

Thank you for sharing this poem.. I can only imagine how it would have come from the depths of your personal experience. I wish you healing and peace. And I hope you find joys in this life that make your heart content.

[neonpg in reply to Tamaa]

Thank you so much for reading and holding space x

[Always_hope_andpray]

This is so heartbreaking, you're not alone in this difficult journey, wishing you healing. ❤️

[neonpg in reply to Always_hope_andpray]

Thank you, our hearts are broken but I know they'll mend in time x

[Kitkat10]

Bless you, I’m sorry it’s been so tough, I wish you peace and happiness ahead xx

[neonpg in reply to Kitkat10]

Thank you, you've always been so supportive on this forum and I'm wishing all the best to you and your lovely family. I know you had to endure a lot to get there x

[Laurapax]

Thinking of you and your partner @neonpg wishing you all the love and happiness for the future for when you are ready. You’ve been so kind and strong. For now sending love ❤️ take care xxx

[neonpg in reply to Laurapax]

Thank you for the kind words. For now we grieve, but you're right the future looks bright and positive x

[Christianbaby]

Your poem is a beautiful, raw expression of your feelings, and it resonates deeply.

Thank you for sharing your story and your art with us. I hope you find peace and healing as you move forward. Wishing you all the best xx

[neonpg in reply to Christianbaby]

Thank you so much, It's good to know the poem resonated. One of the things I'm hoping to do is improve my writing skills now motherhood is no longer in my future. Wishing you all the best too x

[Milliemoss]

Thankyou for sharing this, I am in the same situation. I resonate with your poem and feel the pain you share.

There seems at this point that no healing or love can take away this pain but that life will just be different forever as we move forward.

Sending huge hugs to you.

[neonpg in reply to Milliemoss]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the same. I really hope that we can both in time find meaning in our lives, even if it's not in the way we expected or hoped for x

[Alecsa0505]

Hi! We did the same thing after 5 years of TTC. 3 IVF cycles, 1 chemical and 1 mmc at 13 weeks. That last miscarriage destroyed me, physically and mentally, the pain I went through and how afraid we were, how much blood I lost. Went a very dark path with an ugly depression. So last year we moved back to our country, had our wedding, had a beautiful honeymoon, bought a dog and enjoyed every single day. Got new jobs and currently starting the process of adoption.Sometimes you have to know, when to stop!!!!

We were not made to do 17 embryo transfers and 10 IVF cycles, all ending in miscarriages and BFNs and never seeing a positive and still go on with our lifes like other warriors I've seen here. I can't!!!

Sending a lot of hugs! Wishing you the best!!!!!

[neonpg in reply to Alecsa0505]

Thank you for sharing your story. That sounds utterly heartbreaking and so unfair. I know adoption certainly isn't an easy path but I'm sure it'll be a fulfilling one; you are absolutely incredible for giving a child the chance of a stable and loving home.

Right now I'm struggling to shake off the feelings of bitterness. Especially when our first consultant confidently declared that my wife and I would have no trouble conceiving. I am absolutely in awe of those who keep perserving through multiple cycles and losses. But we had to make a choice for our own peace and wellbeing.

Wishing you all the best too x

[Alecsa0505 in reply to neonpg]

For you the feeling is still raw. It's the end of a chapter that when it started you hoped for a happy ending but it didn't came. As well for us. But life doesn't revolve around a child. My husband told me to stop after our 1st failed IVF round and said that he loves me, he married me for what I am and not only to give him a child. But I continued and what was done is done.

And about adoption, we thought a lot. Many children are put up for adoption and at least we can take one (or two we don't know for sure) to love and help him have a bright future because after they turn 18, they get lost in the system and nobody cares about them.

Somewhere our child is already born and we don't need to be blood related, just soul related!

[Vassi]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I find myself in a similar situation but I'm so afraid to end this journey. You are so very brave! I hope you find peace and happiness in the future. Sending lots of love xx

[Nakijo]

I am so sorry you have gone through this. I have gone through 4 unsuccessful in the past 10 months and I understand how heart breaking it get

[Lmb2b]

I can relate to every single word of your poem, it is so beautifully written, thank you.We have also recently decided to stop our fertility journey and change to a parenthood journey with adoption. 4.5 years, 7 rounds of IVF incl. 2 different donors and 4 miscarriages later, I am done! Emotional are still raw and I'm not rushing anything but it's a very hard to decision to make, those with success tell you not to give up and I hate that, I'm not giving up, I'm just changing courses. All those years, medication, procedures, losses have slowly but surely taken bits of me. I'm tired.

Sending you lots of love on your next steps, be kind to yourself x