Friendships and IVF

[TTC0011]

Has your IVF affected your friendships and if it has, how have you overcome it? I feel completely incapable of navigating friendship behaviour as an adult and could use some words of wisdom.

I have a group of friends, who were all very close but I feel I’ve become a spare part in the group. I thought when I told them about IVF, they'd rally around me for support, but they didn't. I suspected it was a case of they didn't know what to do or say, I didn't think bad of them for that, even though I was hurt by it. I never fell off the radar, I kept in touch, but felt like I was the only one keeping in touch. I thought I was being over sensitive (hormones do that to you) but when we did meet they had mentioned they had all met up when I wasn't there. Of course, I am not entitled to any invites but they acknowledged they hadn't been great at keeping in touch, and I was still important to them.

I thought it would change after that, and I decided to stop messaging the group chat to see if anyone would want to check in with me, and nothing from anyone in a few months.

I haven't mentioned IVF to them in 10 months, as I thought maybe they felt uncomfortable and still nothing. Have any of your mates done the same?

[Skittles11]

Aw reading this made me feel really sad for you and that you really have not had the support and love you deserve from your friends. I do agree that most people do not know what to say and are so worried about saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all. They do this without really realising the impact it can have. For us it actually makes the journey even more lonely not to be given the opportunity to talk about things (as of course, not everyone wants to but to have the chance to is key). Are you in touch with any of them independently outside of the group? I wonder if there is anyone you are closer to independently that you could confide in and talk to about feeling a little isolated through IVF etc? Xx

[ruth1988]

I don't have much advice but wanted to say I can totally empathise with you. My friends have become more distant since I've told them about our situation and even more distant when I told them I had a miscarriage! Some friends didn't contact me to see how I was or anything. I'm the only one without children, so I feel like the odd one out too. I keep putting in the effort to stay in touch but it's hard. These are individual friends, not a group.Sending hugs x

[Life2]

Like Ruth, I don't have much advice but I do know how you feel. Almost everybody in my life thinks I have chosen not to have children, because it's just easier to let them believe that. When my doctor first told me, very unexpectedly about 10 years ago, that I had had the menopause before I was 40, I told my mother (on the phone) who just said I should be grateful (?). I told my father and step-mother (in an email, as that was how we kept in touch) and they just ignored the message completely and have never mentioned it since. My boyfriend was sorry for me but said he was glad overall, since he didn't really want children himself and would have had to break up with me. I told a close friend in an email, and they also ignored it. None of these people mentioned it again. After that I told no one and never talked about it, because I realised it would probably just make things worse for me. Sadly, I think not mentioning it at all does make life and friendships easier. The only comfort I can give is that it's nothing to do with you at all, but more to do with how the people concerned handle difficult things. If you do find someone who understands, I think it makes you realise how precious that is. xx

[pink_lemon]

We never told our family about our infertility issues, misscarriages or ivf, let alone telling friends. We signaled we did might not want children looong time ago, so people just thought that as I later learned. But. In the years everyone around us was having kids, we lost quite a few friendships. People simply said we did not fit in anymore or did not understand life with kids. So I am just saying all this wondering if that might be more of the reason for the fall out. Perhaps. And also, know that real friendships stay no matter of ivf or who has and does not have kids. The friendship may transform, perhaps there is less time to spend time together but real friends stay in touch somehow. I am sorry about your situation. But I hope you can find new friends somewhere or perhaps reconnect with the same friends down the road.

[PrayingforMyBaby]

Yea. Some friends dont understand..but let it be..you will be ok without them. Im in my ivf journey and i told 1 of my friend about it. After that she didnt even care..Good thing is now i know..i also dont get it. But as ling as i am ok..i wipl be ok with my ivf journey.

[Sososoxx]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t think it comes from a bad place, I think there is just such a lack of understanding. I always feel tht when I tell people I’m going through ivf, they just assume that it’ll work. they don’t really understand the day to day routines, medications, procedures and stress. I hope it all works out in the end for you xx

[Pancakebear]

I totally get it, I lost 2 friends over IVF, one who I'd been friends with for 12 years and been through a divorce and both my parents dying. The other I thought I was good friends with, all I can say is that it is really hard, but it is their issue not yours and potentially by not spending time with them you are making room for more fabulous friends to come into your life xx