Failed IVF

[Megandlandon]

May 29th 2015 changed my life and I still can't recover completely from the devastating news of my failed IVF attempt. Went through a clomid cycle and my husband and I decided that for timing purposes we shouldn't waste time and jumped into IVF. To my dismay, it didn't result the way I hoped and planned for. Months later, I am still negative, angry, mad and sad all together. Yes, the pain gets better as I am not on my knees crying like a child but the hurt and worry is all too clear. I am approaching 35 years old, I have a 12 year old from a previous relationship and desire to raise a normal child in a happy home with my husband. We do have 3 frozen embryos and I still can't bring myself to use them. Mainly for the fear it not working and wondering if it will put me into a downward spiral of emotions. I lost it when it didn't work, I thought my marriage was no good, I was no good and I hated myself and my doctors. Although that's not healthy but my emotions were and still are real. What's it gonna take for me to move forward? No one can tell you why it didn't work. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING leading up to it couldn't have been better. Neither my husband or I had any red flags and yet it failed. Can anyone give me some advise or peace of mind to help me move forward? Maybe someone who has been in my similar situation. I am holding to any small hope that's left and there isn't much. It's so sad to know you spend your entire savings and then when it doesn't work, your left to just deal with it on your own. Help please!!!!!!

[Anjel2]

Hi Megandlandon,

I'm very sorry to hear that your first IVF cycle failed. It is absolutely devastating and infertility is a huge emotional journey. Have you had any counselling since your failed cycle? It's definitely something you should consider. It's very important to talk things through and to process your feelings. Until you have done this you're unlikely to feel ready to move forward. I know it's a cliché but you do need to give yourself time to grieve and you will get through it.

You also have to look at the positives and having 3 frozen embryos is very positive. When you are ready they will give you the opportunity to try again and that's wonderful.

I wish you all the best on your journey and I'm sure you will find the strength to get through this.

Best wishes xx

[Filmgirl101]

I can't say that it gets easier. Treatment #6 was our worst cycle, only 1 egg and it worked! We were only going to do 5 total, but last minute decided to throw every treatment, etc in it. That way we could honestly say we gave it our best and move on with our lives.

Every failure was difficult, we were upset and angry for a long time. I don't know why some people get lots of babies and some of us 1 or none. And I don't know how it's fair that people who don't want kids get them, while we want them.

There isn't a real reason why the embryo didn't stick. I'm sure it did its best, unfortunately there is no way to see if the cells in the embryo are going to do the right things and develop into a person.

Maybe do acupuncture, yoga, etc and get yourself relaxed before you try your last embryos. You'll always wonder about them. Find peace and maybe closure with them. It won't be easy, but we seem to be very resilient people's to survive infertility.

[Hepzibah in reply to Filmgirl101]

All of this is very sad, I have suffered in the same way. Failed IVF at 42. No children. Long story. So, take time to recover, you do have time on your side. What helped me was that I made a new plan. Cashed it all in, credit cards, the works. Thee more attempts, freezing along the way, (so l have avoided further disappointment). So, I want 20 embryos in storage by the end of November. I need at least that, sInce most of these will likely be chromosomally defective. I have eight in storage, and one more attempt left. The point is that this new focus somehow turned me around from wanting to leave my husband and live alone for the rest of my life... nobody understood. Then, my sister announced her pregnancy. This sparked me into action. I needed hope. But, my best advice would be 'stay cool'. Stress induces infertility. I have produced more embryos each time, which I believe is entirely linked to my stress levels in the run up to each IVF treatment. I wish you the very best.

[Megandlandon in reply to Hepzibah]

Thank you for story. I really needed people like you close during the time of disappointment. My husband is great, but it's very hard for him to understand what I was really going through. I would to start a support group somehow where any of us can meet and just share stories and maybe get some relief even for that time being.

I actually have an appointment today to go in for my post IVF consult. I have put it off because I don't want to relive going to the office especially the last time I was there was to find out bad devastating news. I am sucking it up, going to listen and pray God gives me courage to make my mind up. What you don't know going into this is the emotional rollercoaster ride you are about to embark on. I am still angry about the whole thing and don't know if that's normal. Still have a hard time talk to my friends that are finding out they are pregnant. It's only me wanting one of my own.

[Hepzibah in reply to Megandlandon]

You are not alone in here. I hadn't found this site during my rollercoaster. I wish I had. It would have helped me. At my lowest points ('what's the point?' and 'I'm a failure') I wanted to just disappear, as nobody understood. My husband has children from a previous marriage, and will likely be a grandfather in the next five years. I did not want to spoil his life, by being distant from step-grandchildren. Yes, the incompetences of consultants, nurses, doctors is abominable. I have just grown to accept that I don't trust them and that they don't have my best interests at heart. This way, I can research myself and tell them what I want. My life. My control. I cannot tolerate the thought that I may have future regrets because of someone else' s errors at work - let's face it, we all make mistakes. What s going on in those labs? Ask for a copy of the Lab Report. Analyse it. Yes, there should be more support. All I wanted to do was to meet someone else like me. But, stay cool now. Get mad later. Anger won't help your outcome. When my crazy journey comes to an end, I will smash into this sector and expose this poor practice for the rip-off that it is. Yes, I am mad. But quietly, for now...

[alfie19]

Thank God we have this site to air our views it helps to get things off your chest.

Since the age of 19 I was having Infertility Treatment at the age of 35yrs it stopped.

Unexplained Infertility made me very depressed.

There was no explaination and no cure cos they did not know the best way to treat me.

They suggested adoption, fostering, or surragacy or trail IVF/GIF

After all the injections etc. My 3 eggs just weren't big enough 20mm.

Why oh why ...No one had the answer...I was just left to get on with my empty life.

Now aged 61 I still long for the baby to hold in my arms.

What I missed was the support from family and friends as I felt so hurt.

I needed to be loved and cuddled to help take the invisible pain inside away.

I see these newborn baby dolls which are good for therapy but for me was having

a small lapdog with real hair who loves cuddles and baths and having her hair blowdried.

Hospitals and GPs do not know or understand how we feel when we have no-one to turn to when we feel depressed cos the treatment has failed.

There should be more support from the NHS for everybody who is suffering depression

cos of an incurable condition.

I am now taking antidresspresants and painkillers and feel so alone.

I went to a support group many years ago but found it painful to talk about my problems. It is a hard struggle to come to terms with and accept I am childless.

Nothing to look forward to except the day I die and passover as no-one cares.

[Megandlandon in reply to alfie19]

I truly am so sorry. I am reading your post and I feel so bad. People care. I care. I can't imagine what it's like to go through what you have but I am reaching out to you. I too have struggled with depression a lot lately and it's been a hard battle. The whole infertility life affects so many aspects of your world. My marriage has suffered and my lack of happiness is present with friends who are telling me they too are pregnant and it just happened. We have spent our life savings all our resources for a rainy day.

I really hope you can find some happiness. It's not the end of the world although it seems like it. Your right, there should be more support for women undergoing IVF. This was the closest support group I could find as they just don't exist.

Please stay strong. My heart hurts for you!

[alfie19]

MegandLandon Thanks for your support