Tips for pregnancies of friends/families

[Dragonfly1111]

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing ok.

Does anyone have any tips/strategies on friends announcing/going though pregnancies? We have been told we are unable to conceive naturally and awaiting to start IVF. Many of our friends and families are also starting families which is lovely but I’m finding it much harder than I expected and find I am super emotional (which my logical brain finds really frustrating). We are being very open with our ‘journey’ and everyone is very supportive but I have had some more difficult conversations with someone I am really close to who is pregnant telling me the guilt that I am making them feel. This made me feel awful - I apologised and said that it isn’t fair on them if I am making them feel that way but when I suggested maybe having some space they said that they didn’t want that.

Any advise on what you have found to help would be greatly appreciated.

Take care

[Hoping20]

hi there, it’s a difficult one but try to be as open and honest with how you feel. I personally need space at times and I feel the closer I am to the pregnant lady, the harder it is to deal with. At the end of the day, your feelings and emotions are valid so please try to put yourself first. True family and friends will try to understand and will always be there for you when you feel strong enough to see or be around them. Be kind you yourself...this journey can be incredibly hard x

[soccerkt6]

Hi lovely

While we're all entitled to our own feelings, I don't think it was very kind of your friend to tell you that you're making her feel guilty. It's of course a tricky situation for both sides - your friend has happy news that she wants to share with people - but at the end of the day, you're the one dealing with a difficult diagnosis so it's a bit unfair of her to make you feel bad for being in a shitty situation which you certainly didn't choose and have no control over...

Ultimately, you'll need to decide whether it's emotionally helpful for you to stay close to her during her pregnancy. Your feelings are just as valid as hers, so even if she doesn't want space, you're entitled to say that you do (if that's the case). Or, you might come to some sort of an agreement where you stay in touch but fertility/pregnancy talk is an off-limits topic.

This journey really is so difficult and every woman on here can relate to the gut-punch you feel when someone close to you announces a pregnancy. It's an awful feeling and made worse when you then beat yourself up for feeling that way.

I'm sending you a big hug. Just know you're not alone, you're not an awful person for feeling the way you feel, and you should absolutely prioritise your own feelings and your well-being during this whole process, even if it means creating some boundaries with friends xxx

[Katiee1 in reply to soccerkt6]

Such a well written and spot on reply! This is as much about you as it is about them. If you need to be ‘selfish’ then take some time for yourself to process it and if anyone doesn’t get why you need to do that then that’s a then problem and nothing you should feel guilty about.

I’ve just had the exact same feelings finding out my sister is pregnant. We are so close and she couldn’t have been more sensitive about it but it broke me. I felt guilty for not being 100% happy for her and for the fact she felt like she couldn’t share her news with the rest of the family like she probably had always imagined. I now know those feelings are ok and I just said I needed time to process it and boy did that work. I now feel able to speak about the pregnancy with her and feel somewhat excited (albeit very aphrehensive for my own feelings) about the baby arriving. I really did wonder if I would ever feel like that after 3 losses myself but time and space is a massive healer.

We have to believe we will too have our happy ending. Worrying and losing hope doesn’t change the outcome so I’m trying to make the journey there more positive despite that being extremely hard at times.

Sending you lots of love and I’m here if you ever want to chat xxx

[Blueberry211 in reply to soccerkt6]

Fully agree with this 😍

[Twiglet2]

if you want need the space take it lovely…. If you want to tell her it’s so she doesn’t feel guilty then that’s fine but take it for you rather than anyone else. Check in with her. When/if you feel up to it as obviously she is going through something huge too but you have to protect your own feelings as well 🤗

Tips for hearing the news being around people that worked for me:

-Remember it’s not their baby you want it’s your own and their happiness doesn’t in anyway change/reduce the chances of your success

-lots of resources to help with this and helping work through your feelings (I liked mindful IVF app)

-I found that if I told myself there was a list of people who would get pregnant before me and then it would be me hearing or seeing other pregnant people made me feel I was getting ‘closer to the top of the list’ (kind of like seeing a queue going down in front of you)

-sometimes none of that worked and I would go a big walk (sometimes starting as an angry stomp 😂) to get rid of some of my feelings or have a scream and cry to get it out which defo helped more than bottling it up

Wishing you lots of luck on your journey xx

[Dragonfly1111]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and replies. The tips are really great - I really like the idea of the list and will look up the app.

take care and thank you again x

[honeybeanbee]

When we found out a close friend of ours was pregnant it hit us really badly. We had a massive cry together as there are so many feelings involved when a friend or relative tells you they're pregnant. We haven't seen the baby yet as they live quite far away but we sent them a present. The distance has really helped us and they understand that we can't be there for them right now but will be there in the future.

Basically what I'm trying to say is there's no right or wrong way to process your feelings. xxx