OTD negative - end of the journey

[lmno]

I knew it was coming but I still feel heartbroken. This was first round since successful pregnancy with my daughter almost two years ago in hopes of a sibling. I thought it would be easier this time but honestly it’s been awful and I feel move devastated than I expected. I knew this round hadn’t worked and at the weekend my partner and I agreed we weren’t going to do any more rounds and just try to be thankful for what we have and move on. But now that it’s here I feel so mixed about stopping trying. Part of me would be relieved to step off of this torturous cycle of treatment and stress and hope and grief. We can’t really afford more treatment and it’s been tough on our relationship. On the other hand because it’s worked before and then felt worth it, there’s part of me that could see myself somehow finding the energy to try again. I just can’t seem to let go of the hopes and dreams of having another. I know it’s early days and I need to let myself grieve and see how we feel but the idea of saying that’s it is making this no feel so much bigger than previous failed attempts.

[Caranne]

Hi I’m really sorry it’s so devastating. I can really relate to how you feel, I had an ectopic at Christmas and found out I’ve had a miscarriage on this round and part of me thinks my heart/body just can’t take anymore, the egg collection this time was gruelling and I just can’t do it again but there’s still that part of me that just wants to keep going and will feel so sad if I stop. Im not sure what the answer is but to take time away and try to decide but I’m sure there will always be some sadness, I’m just hoping time will make it less painful x

[lmno in reply to Caranne]

Oh I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through, no one should have to go through so much heartbreak. Praying you find some healing over time and can find some peace in whatever decision you make. I think deep down I need to come to terms with walking away at this stage but I think you’re right that there may always be some sadness. The hospital offered me a counselling appointment which I think I’ll take as it would probably help to process with someone. My husband feels sad but is also very pragmatic and I find it difficult sometimes to chat through all the different feelings about it with him. Thinking of you and sending love xx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Be sure to have plenty of support around you and take advantage of any counselling appointment you have been offered .Sending a big hug to you

Janet

[Savvy_teapot]

Sorry to hear about this. 💜 It's so hard and especially when you have done everything and so much is put into the cycle. I can understand the relationship part my partner deals with things very differently and some times with him it comes across as not caring as much but I know he does. I just want to rage at the world when I have a BFN. He says we have each other which is super sweet but also goes along the lines of be grateful for what you have. Defo not my emotions or feeling at that time!!! Try not to give yourself a bad time for feeling grief or however you feel. I know easier said than done. And it will take time to get through. Anyway feel free to message me if you want to talk more.

[lmno]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I think you're right. Sometimes it's about trying to give each other the space to process and then chat about it when it feels less raw. I think I'm going to explore some counselling to try and process all the conflicted feelings I have about stopping treatment... part of me feels like if we planned it better maybe I could survive one more round?! So difficult to get to a place to draw a line under it and walk away. My head tells me it's the right thing but my heart says something very different. Thanks for your encouragements and all the very best in your journey xxx

[Woody2019]

Oh I’m so sorry my lovely. It’s literally the toughest thing to go through, So many mixed emotions for you. Take time and be kind to yourself. It was my OTD today and I got a negative. I’m absolutely heartbroken too, but like you I’ve known for a fair few days that is hasn’t worked.

I’m thinking of you hunni ♥️

[lmno in reply to Woody2019]

Thanks lovely. Heartbroken for you too xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to read this, there is so much there for you to process, the sadness from this round, the grief of maybe saying enough is enough, and obviously that decision is so much easier when you have the hope you won’t be there because your round will work anyway. Sending you so much love. I found the NHS talking therapies really helped me when I was in a place where I thought we were going to stop TTC. I didn’t find fertility counselling worked for me (obvs we are all individual) but TT helped me acknowledge my feelings were valid and gradually that there was a future and it might not be the one I had planned but it was a good one. It took time tho, cliche but it really is a healer. Sending you so much love xx

[lmno in reply to Hidden]

Oh thanks that's really helpful. I did see the counsellor at the clinic a few times in previous rounds and it was a bit of a mixed experience, plus it's almost an hour's drive to the clinic which makes it a little tricky. The thing that I did like about it was that I did the sessions with my husband and I found it a useful space to process together with someone else. Will look into TT though too. So pleased to see your positive news!! Wishing you all the very best xx