OTD - BFN as suspected

[Greyeverything]

Yesterday was OTD and I already knew it hadn’t worked from BFN’s over the previous few days but yesterday it was confirmed for certain.

Currently sat in the toilets at work crying because my well meaning boss asked me how it went.

I’m convinced there is some sort of issue with me or with my embryos as we have had two transfers of high grade embryos, one fresh, one frozen and neither have worked.

I’m so just so gutted this time. Last time I was ok but this has floored me. I literally can’t think about anything else, can’t concentrate, can’t stop crying, every mention of babies or anything like that hurts like hell.

I’m also really aware that there are women out there who have had miscarriages or many more failed attempts than me and I feel awful for being so sorry for myself because realistically I’m not even that far in to the journey. Not sure I’m strong enough to carry on with all this if this has got me so upset 😢

[Bear78]

We just had our BFN too a few days ago. It's so hard but it does get easier quickly. I am now so driven to get my body back and in shape and to research the f**k out of options abroad for our final try. I'm also looking at getting more detailed blood work - reading 'it starts with the egg' and there's so many pointers Of things that doctors miss and don't test for. I promise it gets easier and we are strong, practical and you can only act on the things you can change, the rest will then follow. Let yourself cry and cry, get a lot of sleep then take some time to think about what you want. I hope that helps xxx

[Greyeverything in reply to Bear78]

I hope it does get easier soon because I can hardly function at the moment.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’m more worried because I’m NHS funded as, from what others have said, NHS only do a very limited amount of tests etc where as like you I want to have as many tests as possible and try different things to try and establish what is wrong.

Yes I definitely want to get back in shape now as well, surely that can only help right? Just feel so helpless like there isn’t anything I can do.

Glad you are feeling better, onwards and upwards Xx

[Bear78 in reply to Greyeverything]

So in my county the cut off age for IVF is 37! Even my GP didn't know that so we were forced to go private after a year and a half of slow NHS tests. There are some of these tests you can get done privately for around £250 so that you get some more clarity and control over the situation whilst still doing your main treatment through the NHS. Also, the book I mentioned has really helped me get my head around what I can do to improve my chances. Getting in shape will definitely help and your egg quality isn't defined when they are all made at birth but when they are released 3 months before ovulation. From what I've read your diet can really help. We're all here for you and in this together. It will get easier. XX

[Starsandsunbeams]

It is hard. And so emotional. I am completely with you- had a failed fresh and then a BFP from FET but ended at 5 weeks. So I have also asked myself 'what is wrong with me?' and will probably continue to ask myself that forever. But perhaps over time, I will be able to manage my feelings a little better. I have cried a lot and felt/feel completely useless. But I am starting to feel a little better after this weekend. We did nice things together, made time for each other. I've also started running again (as I used to do this regularly but put everything on hold for IVF) so I think aim to get back some things that make you feel nice/happy. But only time can help. I have booked a counselling appointment through my clinic too. Sending you lots of love and strength at a very difficult time xx

[Greyeverything in reply to Starsandsunbeams]

You just automatically assume that there is a problem with you don’t you. It might just be bad luck!!

Yes I asked for a counselling appointment via my clinic and it turns out they are all done via Skype, no face to face at all (NHS)! So I might just go through my GP because I’d much rather speak to someone in person. I’m going to get back in to the gym and try and let off some steam as well. I just hate being tearful in work, I feel like it’s impacting on every aspect of my life and it sucks!

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, it’s just so cruel! Xx

[Starsandsunbeams in reply to Greyeverything]

I was NHS too, so that's not fair if you can't get a face to face appointment but I suppose different clinics have different resources. Being tearful in work is just awful. I'm a primary teacher and really had to hold myself together in an assembly on Friday as I thought I was going to cry. Didn't want to walk out as everyone would wonder what was wrong with me, so just deep breathed through it. Just felt awful and so vulnerable. I really wish you all the best and hope that you have some people you can talk too. That has definitely helped me. (But I did choose who I told about the whole process quite carefully, so thankfully, no-one has offered me any 'cliche' advice! 🙄)

Xx

[Solly-44]

Oh love, I’m so sorry.

It’s beyond heartbreaking, and you don’t need to beat yourself up for being sad because others have had different journeys to yours. You have every right to be upset and it will take time to heal.

Try to look after yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help, or to talk, or even to be left alone when you feel like it. My first bfn after ivf (there had of course been many more!) completely broke me and I didn’t really feel better until I had a plan for my next steps, but I know for others they might want or need a longer break.

Sending you all the hugs, you’re stronger than you feel right now xx

[sun-and-rain]

I'm so sad for you ❤ And I know how it feels... I just got my fifth BFN myself (five failed ETs)... No way one doesn't feel betrayed by their own body... I have no other advise for you than that you take your time to grieve and cry and then go doing/focusing on nice things, maybe things which wouldn't be that easy being pregnant or with children, so you can find some beams of sunlight in your cloudy sky... Right now you don't get any help from your hormones either... When period arrives and your hormones eventually settle a bit, things will probably be a little more bearable. That's my experience ❤

Courage, my friend! We'll not lose hope yet ❤

[SBeanbag]

Really sorry it didn’t work out for you. Are you sure you should be in work ? I think we all underestimate the emotional strain ivf puts us under. The whole cycle is geared up to getting to OTD and then with a BFN comes a grief, which is overwhelming and sadly we’ve all felt it. Eventually it gets better but it takes time and we are all different. But for you now it is fresh and raw and you need to look after yourself.

Contrary to what most of the general public think IVF isn’t that successful and luck is involved- consultant told me 6 goes and I might get lucky - this is heartbreaking when you consider the amounts of money involved.

Be kind to yourself, regroup and in a few days, weeks you’ll know what to do and if that is trying again you’ll be strong enough. Lots of love xx