Hey I am new to the group and feel like I am going out of my mind at the min.
My Journey so far has not been the best. I have always wanted to be a mother very maturnal. I had my eggs removed in 2013 (with previous partner) due to having ulcerative colitis & PCOS with the possibility of needing my bowel removed as I was seriously ill. (Horrendous experience as I over stimulated and the removal back then was without sedation they got 12 good eggs. This has also gave me sever anxiety of the final IVF stage I can't even go into the room where they do the transfer as I panic)
In this relationship I suffered physical/mental abuse and was told I would never be a woman unless I could have my own children ect ect ....
I am now with my new partner for 9 years, who I was open about all my issues ect from the start and he has been my absolute rock.
We decided to try to start having a baby 7 years ago on our own (hoping for a miracle) and then we ended up going to the hospital for fertility treatment which we knew realistically would have to happen anyway.
The treatment has been going on for 5 years with no joy. Been on clomid , provera , global f , now menopure.
Every appointment seemed to be another knock down with myself constantly questioning everything that was ever said / done to me in my past relationship.
The hospital made mistakes and missed me off lists. I was told I would be allowed to do fertility treatment while being on my bowel medication, then was told No you can't you have to choose a family or your health ( very hard decision for both myself and my partner which I got counselling to cope with)
Started treatment again yet more failed cycles.
I was up at another appointment on Sunday, sitting in the full waiting room (previously empty due to covid restrictions) looking around at everyone looking down at their feet, no talking..... Silence!
This kind of was hard hitting for me as it seemed like everyone was ashamed to be there, like it's such a taboo thing why can no one talk to each other?
Was called for my scan and for the first time ever they seen a follicle. (This scan was done by my own Doctor who is currently dealing with me due to mess ups with the whole process)
I was excited as all my other scans for the past 5 years have shown NOTHING.
I was told that we would up the dose of injections and come back on Wednesday to see if it had grown for the possibility to trigger.
Wednesday came, went in for my scan (Different Doctor as mine was running late) and the nicest way possible to describe my experience is,
She shoved the probe in wiggles it about (taken no measurements) pulls it out and says there is nothing to see.
My thought was how did my doctor see a follicle and you see nothing.
Got my bloods done and left.
Since this I now feel numb to the whole process. I now question do I want to have kids??? Why do I not know anymore?? Why have I no maturnal feeling inside me.
Obviously I have spoken to my partner. It's like I switch has been flicked and all emotions that I did have are turned off.
IS THIS NORMAL TO EXPERIENCE THIS AT SOME STAGE IN THE VERY HARD PROCESS?
I know no one can tell me how I am feeling as it is my body my brain. But I just need help in understanding why or wonder has anyone else ever felt like this.