Ongoing fertility treatment and curre... - Fertility Network UK

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Ongoing fertility treatment and currently struggling with my own mind HELP !

Megz-Rose profile image
5 Replies

Hey I am new to the group and feel like I am going out of my mind at the min.

My Journey so far has not been the best. I have always wanted to be a mother very maturnal. I had my eggs removed in 2013 (with previous partner) due to having ulcerative colitis & PCOS with the possibility of needing my bowel removed as I was seriously ill. (Horrendous experience as I over stimulated and the removal back then was without sedation they got 12 good eggs. This has also gave me sever anxiety of the final IVF stage I can't even go into the room where they do the transfer as I panic)

In this relationship I suffered physical/mental abuse and was told I would never be a woman unless I could have my own children ect ect ....

I am now with my new partner for 9 years, who I was open about all my issues ect from the start and he has been my absolute rock.

We decided to try to start having a baby 7 years ago on our own (hoping for a miracle) and then we ended up going to the hospital for fertility treatment which we knew realistically would have to happen anyway.

The treatment has been going on for 5 years with no joy. Been on clomid , provera , global f , now menopure.

Every appointment seemed to be another knock down with myself constantly questioning everything that was ever said / done to me in my past relationship.

The hospital made mistakes and missed me off lists. I was told I would be allowed to do fertility treatment while being on my bowel medication, then was told No you can't you have to choose a family or your health ( very hard decision for both myself and my partner which I got counselling to cope with)

Started treatment again yet more failed cycles.

I was up at another appointment on Sunday, sitting in the full waiting room (previously empty due to covid restrictions) looking around at everyone looking down at their feet, no talking..... Silence!

This kind of was hard hitting for me as it seemed like everyone was ashamed to be there, like it's such a taboo thing why can no one talk to each other?

Was called for my scan and for the first time ever they seen a follicle. (This scan was done by my own Doctor who is currently dealing with me due to mess ups with the whole process)

I was excited as all my other scans for the past 5 years have shown NOTHING.

I was told that we would up the dose of injections and come back on Wednesday to see if it had grown for the possibility to trigger.

Wednesday came, went in for my scan (Different Doctor as mine was running late) and the nicest way possible to describe my experience is,

She shoved the probe in wiggles it about (taken no measurements) pulls it out and says there is nothing to see.

My thought was how did my doctor see a follicle and you see nothing.

Got my bloods done and left.

Since this I now feel numb to the whole process. I now question do I want to have kids??? Why do I not know anymore?? Why have I no maturnal feeling inside me.

Obviously I have spoken to my partner. It's like I switch has been flicked and all emotions that I did have are turned off.

IS THIS NORMAL TO EXPERIENCE THIS AT SOME STAGE IN THE VERY HARD PROCESS?

I know no one can tell me how I am feeling as it is my body my brain. But I just need help in understanding why or wonder has anyone else ever felt like this.

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Megz-Rose
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5 Replies
AuroraXen profile image
AuroraXen

I'm sorry for what you've gone through! Wow. You've had such a hard time. I'm glad you are in a much healthier, more supportive relationship now, first of all . 💜 That's really important and precious, if you can find it. Sounds like you've been badly letdown by your clinics too, which is also hard. I'm not surprised your emotions are all over. I think sometimes we go through so much that a switch goes off inside where we try to protect ourselves from all this. I've asked myself ' do I REALLY want this enough to keep living like this or do I forget this and focus on making the life I DO have spectacular?' Often when I question it all like that it's because I've just had another setback and more bad news... when I just think is there any point 😣 As you know, only you can decide when you've had enough. There's no need to decide right away. I'm guessing you'll have a follow up with your doctor to see what happens next - so maybe you can ask them what they think your chances are and options are? Xx

Twiglet2 profile image
Twiglet2

Oh gosh what a hard time of it you’ve had 😢 sending you hugs 🤗

I felt that kind of numbness when everything paused due to covid like ‘is this even I think I want/meant to have’ etc and I just felt like an emotionless zombie for a few months, until I took back control of my life. I stayed on my fertility journey but I stopped letting it take over my every thought and plan, I think for me it was the lack of control that made me feel this way. Trying for a sibling now and my clinic are still an absolute nightmare at times big I feel more like I’m driving the bus now and will speak up advocate better etc. I used a mindful app and online resources (as counselling wasn’t really available except online due to covid) and it did help me personally, sending you love and strength to move forward whichever way you choose that to be xx

slinky00 profile image
slinky00

Sorry to hear your story and how difficult it has been for you. Big hugs 💜 I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is very normal indeed. I have been on a rollercoaster journey with fertility for over 7 years, major spinal surgery in-between. My relationship has nearly ended from all the struggles, failed cycles and I personally have had a nightmare journey that took a severe toil on my mental health. At each stage of the process I'd question whether I actually still want to be a mother and have children, feeling that the desire has just died. I still do. I think it's my brains way of protecting me from bad news, as it's what I expect now but ultimately after I have had a few days to digest the news I receive from the Dr's I just want to keep trying so somewhere deep down I must still want and believe I have a chance even though very slight. I have DOR, low AMH and recently diagnosed with adenomyosis.

As you know only you can decide but who would blame you for feeling you have reached the end of the line? I just want to reassure you, you are not alone with these feelings. I wish you all the strength in the world whether you decide to stop or carry on

❤️

Daffodils140 profile image
Daffodils140

First of all I am so sorry about the abuse you suffered in your previous relationship and I’m so happy you are now with a loving, supportive partner.

I think your feelings are completely normal (whatever that word means!) and my immediate thought was that after so many disappointments you have gone into self-preservation mode to try to shield yourself from any more pain and heartache.

I would advise further counselling, it’s great you can talk openly with your partner but sometimes talking to a third party is helpful and you can be even more honest as you’re not worrying about their feelings.

When is your next appointment? Will it be with your own doctor again?

Lots of love and best wishes xx

Donnamaree profile image
Donnamaree

Wow this is disgusting how you have been treated from these clinics you are in titled to be treated like a person who has feelings and I feel you need to stand up to these clinics and tell them how they have made you feel and if these are private clinics then its a lot of money which I did tell my clinic how they made me feel by missing steps which effects everything and you do not have to choose between your health and having a baby I also have IBD (uc) which I take meds which don't interfere with my IVF meds

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