Firstly, I want to say I know I'm lucky to be able to actually try to conceive naturally at all each month. That's huge, and I know others don't have this option. I'm just so tired and down today, after AF arrived yet again. Not sure why this time is more disappointing than usual...
Maybe it was because I hoped the endometrial biopsy last month might give us that miracle natural pregnancy I've heard can happen, maybe my body would be super ready for accepting an embryo after repairing itself!
Maybe it was the fact that this month, instead of the usual 'bad hormonal headache 5 days before starting my period' I had bad headaches on and off for the past 5 days 😂🤦♀️ making me think ooh, maybe it's rising hCG! But yet again, my sad little hopes that I might manage this without the 'help' of IVF are dashed again.
Maybe it's worse this month because my cousin, who already has a lovely daughter, just announced she's pregnant again and it breaks my heart to reel off those very well-rehearsed 'oh my gosh, so excited for you, yay!' sentiments. Which I DO genuinely mean, but which also just kill off a little extra piece of me each time I wheel them out.
Maybe it's because my good friend abroad fell pregnant without even trying last year and had her lovely baby at Christmas and I realised today hasn't even thanked me for the present I sent (those who haven't faced infertility will NEVER know the pain of buying baby clothes for someone else's baby... sobbing as you wrap up the beautiful little snowsuits or what have you).
I'm just so tired of thinking this might work, only to realise it never does 😢😢
Sorry for the rambling rant and self-pity! 🤣 Just needed to vent a bit today xx
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AuroraXen
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Don’t apologise, and we’ve all been there and you’re totally right. It’s awful. I’ve also so many months thought ‘maybe we’ll get that miracle’. I have no wise words to offer, just hang in there and keep going and keep believing it can happen 🤞🍀💪
When we were ttc (before my tubes were clipped) it was just heartbreaking each month - so many times I’d sat on the toilet with my hpt and stared at the blank window, squinting for dear life. Exhausting and upsetting.
I feel so bad for my friends who had to tell me they were pregnant over the past 3 years. I was as gracious as possible, wheeling out those phrases you said and being happy behind my tears. But fertility struggles take so much out of us and no matter how hard you try, it will always be there.
Anyway I wanted to send you love, as I’m sure everyone on here understands how rough this journey is and I definitely do.
Thank you Millbanks. I don't even do tests when we're TTC naturally, just can't bear to look at the damn things 😆🤦♀️. The annoying thing is, all the IVF drugs and hormones lead to subtle changes in my cycle which then mess with my head to make me think ooh, this is a bit different. We've only been trying together for about 2 years (wasted years whilst having fraught marital arguments about whether to actually try for a family... so ironic, my husband finally gets on board and wants this too and we can't make it happen!) I know 2 years isn't long for many here but I'm just convinced my eggs must be just rubbish quality 😥 xx
Oh this was when we were TTC and carefree (and I expected it to happen each month).....
The changes from meds are so frustrating - and you can't help bu analyse every single damn one.
I remember your story from before - so lovely that you were able to rekindle ❤️
It's not necessarily your eggs my lovely - we had a whole host of issues and not being able to conceive naturally was nothing to do with egg quality in the end....
'It's not necessarily your eggs' - thank you! I need to hear this sometimes 😆 You must be nearly ready to meet your baby now! How exciting 💚 Sending you lots of love xx
I think we take so much of this on ourselves - we blame ourselves for all the issues - when realistically it's often a whole host of things. Hang in there lovely.
I’m really sorry… I know what you mean about having hopes and then crashing down as AF arrives, and symptom-checking thinking it is a different feeling this month and it is your body responding very differently after surgery. I have had a couple of years of that! I really hope you can get the results we all wish for, not much will make you feel better ☹️. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the next try coming up. I would also suggest some counselling, in my case it helped to broaden my focus onto other things I should make sure I continue to enjoy. It also helps to have that additional route to vent outside the household/in person.
Thanks Sunflower. Just venting to people who get it really does help! I really worry that with this being so all-consuming, I'm not making the most of the life I have. Just so sad that every month that passes our chances decrease... and I get annoyed at myself, like I'm living in limbo just kind of waiting... waiting to start a new phase of life either as a mum or with the resignation I'll never be one 😔 xx
Really sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It is horrible and you are doing so well to keep picking yourself back up and moving forward every month. I recently realised that for women TTC, evey period sparks a new grief and you literally go through each stage of the grieving process every month.
Bargaining- Is it implantaion bleeding? Deep sadness. Anger- its so unfair! And then acceptance.
What a trauma to go through every month! No wonder its so exhausting. All the feelings you describe are totally legitimate.
You so deserve to be kind to yourself, this is awful. Looking back I wish I had started my counselling earlier, and it might be something you want to try.
I just want to send you love. Im thinking of you xxx
Honestly never thought I'd reach a stage in my life where I'm googling to see what implantation bleeding looks like!! 🤦♀️🤦♀️That was last month's paranoia though, when again something was slightly unusual for my cycle and I got my hopes up. Just all feels so foolish. It's like part of me thinks there's a global conspiracy and it isn't actually possible for people to get pregnant from having a roll in the hay , one time... one time and hey presto, an actual baby will result from this!?? 🤔🤔😂 The concept has become just so alien for me that I just feel it's like some global secret I'm kept out of. If that makes ANY sense 😆😆 xx
Hi lovely. I'm so sorry you're feeling down today.
You are not alone in feeling that awful cycle of grief every month; I empathize with how bloody awful it is to have to go through again and again.
In some ways, I feel like it was easier for me when our consultant told us our chance of getting pregnant naturally is basically zero. At least now I've been able to stop ovulation tracking, demanding sex at very precise times (so romantic lol), feeling that little glimmer of hope, then obsessively doing first response early tests and feeling like my heart's been ripped out.
When I was in that cycle of TTC before IVF my friend unexpectedly told me she was pregnant and I burst into tears over the phone, so sounds like you're doing better at protecting your loved ones from your grief than I ever did! In a way though, opening up about the duality of emotions can be helpful. It's nice to feel seen, and your sadness is just as valid as their happiness. Both can exist together, I think.
Anyway, just wanted to send love! Thinking of you and hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Thank you so much for your kind words. People are so lovely here, taking time to help strangers 💚 Yep, the routine of TTC normally whilst waiting for different parts of the IVF process.... it's just so pressured and repeated over and over. Very hard 🥺 xx
Hey Aurora, I just wanted to reach out and tell you not to loose hope. I have awful days too and I’m still struggling. Tonight I polished nearly a bottle of wine to myself while my hubby was out exercising on his bike & the gym. I got my period today too so it just added to the realisation that it might never happen for me. So… what I’m trying to say is never feel alone. Your ranting is totally acceptable and everyone here knows what you are going through! I’ve seen your struggles, I’ve witnessed your upset but keep going! You can do this.. you are strong and with the help of everyone here, you can do this 💪🏻!! Love & hugs 🤗 xx
Damn periods 😂💔 Thank you for sharing Lovely, it really helps, knowing others are sitting somewhere feeling just as wretched. I hate it as my whole life is either getting ready to try, trying, or waiting to see if the trying worked 😥 Next week I'll hear what, if anything, my implantation biopsy revealed, so maybe next month it will be time to try another transfer. Think I join you on the wine tonight! Xxx
Oh love, I’m so sorry. It’s so exhausting and our minds are our worst enemy just teasing us with the ‘this is weird maybe I am pregnant’ thoughts over and over.
It’s just utterly (insert expletive here). You are a legend for keeping on going and even for having the strength to post this. You will get there in the end I am sure of it, keep on keeping on it will be worth it xx
I think that's the worst bit, IVF meds and hormones have made my once perfectly predictable cycle a bit less so, and it really messes with my head 😆 Thank you for your support, it really helps. Sadly people in 'the real world' i.e. my immediate friends and family I see in the flesh, as it were, just often don't get it. Any of it 🙄 I suppose if it's never happened to you, you DON'T really think about how something as supposedly simple as getting and staying pregnant can be so tough! Hope you're on the mend a bit now xx
I really felt your post. I really relate. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility so there was always "a chance".. and the cycles of grief each month are like a rollercoaster, but not a fun one.
I can see how tired and fed up you are 😔 if it's one thing I know to be true, is that we need to be so kind to ourselves. And don't apologise for spending the day on the couch and letting yourself feel the disappointment. But what's important is we get back up. I think people who have gone through or are going through infertility are the strongest around.
I've just had my 4th frozen transfer in 12 months and I'm 90% sure it hasn't worked (official test day Saturday). I've already cried a thousand years. Been through the cycle of "how is this fair". I saw my friend who has a 4 month old baby the other day. And it just reminds me that her and her husband had sex once (once) and she got pregnant. They were going through a tough patch so it has been a while and then boom, it happened. It makes me really angry and bitter but like you, I did the "oh wow what a miracle! Congratulations!" When I really I was dying inside.
This is road is so tough. I'm really glad we all have eachother on here, even if it's just a bit of reassuring words at 3am when you can't sleep.
Sending love and hopefully you're able to find your mojo and get back on that horse soon. X
That's exactly it! It's the 'always a chance'. I've just purchased one of those bloody fertility cup things to try next for our natural attempts 🤦♀️🤣. Just desperation really. I don't hear back from the results of the implantation tests until next week so won't be able to transfer one of our last two frosties for a while yet I guess. I feel like I've tried everything! It IS like grieving, each month. It just dominates my life, and I hate that. My job keeps me very busy and stops me obsessing all the time but otherwise the months are just divided into those familiar phases: period arrival day (lots of grief and disappointment): then quickly getting back on the horse, as it were and ramping up with the supplements, the protein foods, the acupuncture bookings, the chinese herbs, the things to support good lining... then actually trying to conceive, with all the stress that brings (my husband really copes badly with the timed sex side, so I have to cajole him, and we just pi$$ each other off on those days!). Then comes the stopping everything, reducing high impact exercise, hardly any coffee, avoiding hot baths etc half of the month, with the horrible wait but secret excitement that this month might be it! I know we're very lucky to be able to try naturally, I just worry there is something wrong with me that hasn't been picked up. Maybe I DO have blocked tubes, secret endo, something else going on! I've never had a Hysteroscopy, for instance. So that's another worry. Anyway, thank you so much for writing. I REALLY hope this transfer works for you!! ❤🤞 xx
I know for sure .. but will say in my 40s super low AMH, but after 2 years, 10 rounds (so yes I know what you mean)..all PGT tested, and an endometrial biopsy, got 1 good embryo and.. now a 3 month old (whomAlready has had heart surgery but is strong ) here beside
I can completely relate to how you're feeling, it baffles me how it's so easy for some people and so elusive for some of us! But there is always a chance so I try and hold onto that hope when I can x
Hi AuroraXen, I could have written your post as the sentiments you express are so familar to me. I get your disappointment every month 100% as I feel the same but now that I've turned 44 with almost two years of monthly "failure" behind me I too have lost a lot of hope and am struggling to keep on trying - the ultimate goal seems to be getting further and further away. I now wish I could be teleported back to being the "youthful" age of 40 or 42😂 thinking I would have more chance then. However, I have seen and personally know women who have conceived naturally into their mid 40's and on good days I hold onto that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe we'll be blessed with the same luck too. All you can do is keep the faith and do as much as you can and you'll never have to look back and think...if only I'd been more positive or tried harder. That's my motto anyway, I guess what's for you won't pass you by. I hope there is a wonderful baby in your near future, chin up!!
I just wish life had been a bit different and we'd started trying years and years ago. The panic over time passing is just the worst. But I read lots of stories on here of people getting their miracles in their mid 40s, you're absolutely right. And beyond! Someone I work with is due in a few weeks, at 45/46, after doing IVF for about 10 years. Naturally! Thank you for your kind words. I've picked myself off the ground now and will press on, to see what this month brings 😂 Wishing lots of luck for you xx
Hi, glad to hear you are feeling better; sometimes it just helps to get it all out, especially when you talk to people that really do understand. The only way is to move forward, dwelling on the past at all is futile as that's one thing we have absolutely no power to change. But the future could be amazing so we have to try to strive to make it so, at least try our very best. Onwards and upwards on this sunny Spring day😎🌷🌼🌺
Some months are harder than others definitely. But we can't do much really, don't suppress your feelings and have someone you can talk to sharing how you feel is the best way of dealing with the difficult times. Hang in there, our time will come as well 🥰🍀🌺 For now, stay strong and keep believing, things will only get better 🍀🌺❤️ Sending much love and positive vibes your way 🥰❤️
Exactly! Same here! I feel when I share with people in this community it always makes me feel better cause I know everyone here actually gets what I'm talking about and nobody judges me 🍀🥰❤️💜 As you say onwards and upwards! Sending hugs and positive vibes your way ❤️🍀💕💕😘😘
Hi it’s no fun being in this situation I feel your struggles ! Your words resonate with me , like others have said it’s utterly devastating each month when AF shows up when you literally convince yourself this is the month this is it only to be shattered again when AF shows up yet again
Mines a long & heartbreaking story but we are currently back on the ttc naturally stage over these last few months whilst we wait for further ivf treatment .
For some bizarre reason I convinced myself that last month was the one , had me thinking wow I have this funny taste in my mouth , my boobs are hurting more & I’m getting aches etc , I actually bled like usually but light so also convinced my mind this was implantation bleeding🙈 ( never had that in my first pregnancy ) , this was it a miracle natural pregnancy you know the ones you always read of happening after years & ivf a & a pregnancy via Icsi. Suddenly I can now conceive naturally after only a few months of trying . You hear of it all the time so that was me literally kidding myself I even bought a test ( of-course negative ) 😂 but it was nice for a while to imagine until reality hits
You often think our bodies are tricking us to feeling these things & are minds just plays along.
Gosh imagine all those lucky ladies who get pregnant naturally with hardly any trying Currently 2 family members due next month after coming of the pill both caught first few months. It’s hard not to feel so annoyed at this. Only us ivf’ers truly understand the struggles we face.
Hope you writing this to us on here gets it off your chest if only to lighten your mind for a while as we all can relate . Take care xx
Yes! I feel you! You have every right to be upset, sad and angry. Make sure you get it out! This journey is so tough! It gnaws at your fundamental identity as a woman, makes you question the meaning of life, and leaves your friends and family wondering what all the fuss is about. I understand, lovely, and am sending lots of strength and compassion your way! We often forget to pat ourselves on the back for persevering through the pain, the sadness, the world's general lack of empathy and understanding. You're a warrior for going through this, never forget it! If anything, this journey allows us to build resilience, courage and makes us into compassionate and caring humans. Sending a big hug - treat yourself to something nice today xx
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