Advice please! Meet-up with babies?

[DJ202]

Hi all,

I hope you’re all doing ok!

I’m facing a social situation which is difficult for me to cope with. My friends from uni are planning a get-together soon. We are a close-knit community of 6 women, and used to meet several times a year (despite living in different countries). Covid has put a halt to that. Now all five of my friends have infants or are currently pregnant (apart from myself). I haven’t yet met any of the babies. I’d love to see them, but honestly I’m not sure if I can cope with having all the babies around and being exposed to all the baby talk. I am happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but I am literally the only one who does not have a baby and they are all at similar stages in their motherhood journeys. I don’t’ want to make them feel uncomfortable that they can’t engage in talking about babies, which is very clearly what they are all keen to do as new mums. I also feel left out and upset that I have to go through all the pain and heartache of loss, infertility and endless treatments and investigations, when for them everything seems to be so simple and straightforward (some of them have had two babies in the time we’ve been trying).

I don’t know what to do, and feel stupid to be in that position. I could suck it up and go, and deal with the aftermath of probably being quite depressed and unhappy. The girls mean a lot to me though, and I don’t want to appear selfish. In order to protect myself I’ve previously muted our Whatsapp group because of the constant baby pictures and pregnancy natter.

They are aware I’ve lost a second baby last year and have since been through 3 cycles of IVF, and my treatment is still ongoing.

What can I do in order to protect myself and at the same time maintain my friendships? Please do let me know any suggestions, advice, and share any experiences you may have.

Thanks so much for your help! I really don’t know what I would do without the support on this forum, the only place where I can speak to people who understand! I really appreciate your help! xx

[CJohns]

I totally understand your dilemma. But you really have to think about number 1, and you’ve already said it, they are simply going to be talking about babies.If the babies/kids are there, constant attention will be draw to them and probably half way through an adult conversation that you are actually enjoying.

It’s a decision you can only make, but perhaps have a think about alternatives? Could you be honest and suggest a FaceTime for another evening, and explain that you’d love to catch up but mentally you just cannot cope with it all right now? Or could you tell a white lie and nearer to the time say you are isolating for Covid reasons and pull out last minute xx

[Redsequin]

Hi. lovely. Uff, that's a tough situation.

Could you offer to arrive a bit later than the others to let them get all the intense baby/pregnancy talk out of the way first? You could say you definitely want to know how they're all getting on, but you might just find it hard to have the main conversation about topics you could find painful? The other thing that might help is asking if they could also remember to ask you about your treatment is going/ how you're feeling. For me, people going on about their babies only feels tough if I feel like they've forgotten what I'm going through/don't care enough to hear about my experience too.

However, if you're really suffering at the moment, I'd consider just skipping it altogether. I went on holiday with my husband's heavily pregnant friend, and although she knows we're going through infertility, she was just so excited she literally couldn't stop herself talking about the pregnancy every 3 minutes! I could see she was trying but she was like a bubble about to burst lol. At the time, I was feeling very strong and it didn't bother me, but if I'd been going through a rough patch it would have been hell! And I think good friends will ALWAYS be empathetic and understand if you need to take a raincheck.

xx

[XOXO13]

Ow this is a toughie isn’t it.

When I was at my weakest, I really struggled to see a close pregnant friend and my sister. Thankfully at the time, Covid restrictions prevented me travelling to see them. But when the restrictions lifted slightly, I did go to see my friend who at the time was 6 months pregnant. I was so anxious, I was sweaty and panicky and teary all the way there (my husband came with me). And I actually surprised myself too once I was there - I sort of became just very matter of fact. She’s pregnant, I’m not. She deserves her pregnancy as much as I deserved mine but sadly I lost mine. She’s a very good friend and asked us about our treatment and we didn’t just talk about babies and treatment either - we talked about our weddings and other friends and normal stuff which was nice because that’s what friendship is. But she was just one person, I’m not sure I could have faced 5/6 friends all with babies so I wouldn’t blame you if you chose not to go. In fact, I couldn’t even FaceTime with our full group at the time because it was also too soon after my own loss.

The suggestions below are good, and I agree with them. I think if they know your situation and they’re good enough friends, then they may already know to tone down the baby talk and to also ask you about how your treatment is going (if you want to talk about it that is). For me, I needed to talk about it, it’s a huge deal and I almost needed close friends and family to understand just how hard it is so that if I needed to take a step back, they got why. And a lot of my close friends are genuinely interested in the process as well… they ask a lot of questions which I really don’t mind because it allows me to openly talk about it all and they’re not afraid or too uncomfortable to listen.

Is it possible to meet them all without their babies? So a girls night instead which will be nice? Maybe something you could suggest. Or are their children all definitely coming?

I’d always be honest and if it’s too much for you, just say to them that you’d love to see them all and their little ones, but you’re not in the strongest of places right now and seeing everyone where you want to be is just too much for you to take right now.

One of my other close friends was struggling to conceive when I fell pregnant after my fourth round of treatment, and I told her I understood if she needed time away from me which she did. If any one of my close friends needed that space then I’d understand and hopefully your friends will too.

Big cuddles, I know it’s an incredibly tough place to be right now. Just remember to take care of yourself ♥️ Xx

[Hidden]

Such a difficult situation. I personally wouldn't go. This is a moment in time and not you writing off your friendships. There will be other times where other people can't go for other reasons. I think its perfectly valid to say you are going through a really rough patch and whilst you would love to see them you just aren't in the right place to do so, that you miss the etc and can't wait for next time (or something else like that). No one else is going to protect you so its important you look after yourself. I am sure you will be back with them this time next year with a baby in your arms! Hugs x

[ZiggyandBC]

Hi lovely,

That must be so hard to deal with! I recently found out my older brother and his wife are having their first baby and it really knocked me and I was so depressed and upset. I haven’t seen them/been around them since I found out as I can’t bear to see the baby bump. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when the little one comes as I’ll be it’s only auntie and I want to be there, but at the same time I don’t want to have to have my heart ripped out being around a baby. My brother and his wife are understanding and have kept all the baby talk/any scan pictures completely away from me. All I know is when the baby is due and that’s it which has helped. It helps knowing that I won’t be surprised with any baby scan pics or updates, maybe just explain to your friends what you’re going through and all the emotions that come with it. I understand your friends mean a lot to you but at the same time you need to protect yourself and your heart and they should understand if you can’t face seeing them. I think all of us would struggle with meeting a group of new mums with their babies! Maybe ask them if you could have a catch up without their little ones around? I know someone can never understand infertility until they e been through it but hopefully your friends will want to protect your feelings. Sending you lots of love and I’m so sorry to hear about your losses ❤️

[Hoping20]

Hi, this is such a difficult situation and I’ve been in a similar situation with my uni friends. They all have kids and the one remaining friend who doesn’t is 8 months pregnant. I removed myself from the WhatsApp group a few months ago as it was just getting too much for me. And I didn’t attend a get together which was planned a couple of weeks ago. You need to do what’s right for you and you need to protect your feelings, as no one else will. You say they know about your struggles, so I would really hope that they would understand you not attending. Have a think and if you don’t decide to go, please don’t feel guilty. Take care x❤️

[JoyfulStar]

Hi DJ202

I can somewhat relate to some of your situation. As a someone who had my daughter recently at 44 years of age, all my friends had heir families and usually shared their experience of motherhood BUT, it was not so straightforward as they usually told me they envied my life which was baby free ( I did not mind that) They also welcomed being able to have adult conversations and have a night away from motherhood.

I met up with my friends at least twice a year for formal nights out and they really appreciated that time away from being parents.

I am sharing my experience as it is not always as black and white as we may think. Yes babies will be talked about as they are parents but I think some mothers welcome the break from motherhood. I think it will depend on the stage they are at with motherhood. If they are new parents then maybe it will dominate the conversations but if they are not, then it may not be that bad. With my friends, several things were discussed including hubbies, careers, struggles with diet, our mutual friends, the past etc. One of my friends was more likely to talk about her children but this is because she had a boy with special needs. Personally for me it was okay.

You will have to decide how badly you want to see them and if you can handle it emotionally. Really hope you get success soon 🙏🏾

[Catwind]

A friend had a baby during COVID and just prior to the pandemic we got together as she was just getting over a miscarriage and we were chatting about our infertility struggles. When I found out she was pregnant I ignored the posts on fb and because of lockdown it wasn’t as though we could meet anyway. But I took a few months to congratulate her. And this was someone who I supported when her mom died and through other painful moments in her life. When I did get in touch with her I was honest and told her it was tough for me because my treatments weren’t working and I was just hurting a lot. She totally understood and said she never doubted that I would be there for her and has tried to help me in her own way. Point is, maybe be honest about your pain and struggle. They sound like good friends and it doesn’t mean you don’t meet them but it can help them understand your pain and hopefully the conversation won’t just be about babies. And if you need to excuse yourself and not meet them for your own sake then don’t feel guilty about it. We don’t owe anyone our peace of mind. You’ll still be friends.

[DJ202]

Thank you so for your kind and caring words and great suggestions! It's so nice to read that there are options and many of you have experienced similar things. It's difficult navigating social situations with fertility issues and personally I have nobody in this friendship circle who had any issues conceiving or pregnancy problems. I agree with you that if I don't take care of myself, nobody will, that's very wise! and I also like the point about it's just a point in time and doesn't mean I'm writing my friendships off altogether. I do miss the girls, but at the same time I need to protect myself as the journey is ongoing. As some of them have literally only just given birth, I have no doubt the conversation would naturally evolve around babies and that's just too much. I'm hoping to try and see them at a later stage. I've let them know I'd love to see them and that I've missed them, but with my treatment at the moment it's just not possible.

Shortly after that I've talked to one of the girls who is currently pregnant again, and I was pleased to talk to her not only about her pregnancy, but also about other things, including my current stage in the journey. She was keen to know the details and it was good to get it off my chest. We sometimes forget that our friends do care. They may not understand, but the good ones will be there for you and listen, without judgement or misguided recommendations.

I hope you're all doing OK! It's such a tough journey which tests us on so many levels and teaches us powerful lessons in life. I'm hopeful we'll come out of it on the other end stronger, more compassionate and wiser! xx