Advice please

[Vickal]

My husband is having real difficulties coming to terms with the fact that we may need help to conceive. We have been TTC for 16 months, I have endometriosis, tubes are clear but it’s been found on bladder, appendix, uterus, 90% of right ovary and some small patches elsewhere. My husband has a very low sperm morphology (4%). After lots of tests we are now waiting to have our plan meeting next week at the fertility clinic but my husband is having panic attacks and has been very stressed and emotional. He doesn’t want to go through IVF and says he wants it to happen naturally but I’m scared that if we don’t have help we may never have a baby and will regret not taking the opportunity our whole lives. I’m now 34 and everyone around me seems to be having babies!

After my laparoscopy I asked the surgeon (also head of the Fertility Clinic) what the treatment would be for the endometriosis and he said “we need to get you pregnant as quickly as possible”. He explained that endo spreads at different rates but can spread quickly and may compromise my fertility. He was unable to lazar it as he said he could risk damage to my bladder or uterus (they are stuck together). Feel like time is ticking away on my fertility.

I need my husbands support with the decision we make. What do I do?

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Vickal. So sorry to hear that you have all this worry. I think that when we are found to have fertility issues, we naturally think that it is all down to be something the matter with the female. However, a third of infertility is caused by male factor problems, which is a lot. I feel that as there is a treatment option open for you – probably ICSI, it would be best to carry on with it as soon as possible. I think that when you see your consultant next week, it would be good if you could both book an appointment to see a counsellor who would be able to talk things over with both of you, about both of your fears. As it looks at the moment, I would be very hard to get pregnant naturally with such a poor semen analysis. You are a good treatable age, and it would be sad to think that you could miss an opportunity to try for a baby. I do wish you both well with whatever is decided for you at the clinic. Diane

[Vickal in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks for your advice Diane. I'm hoping our appointment will bring home to my husband that we should take the help they offer.

I hadn't thought about seeing a counsellor. I think my husband may be reluctant to do this as he’s not really one for sharing how he feels. I’ll suggest it and see how it goes down.

Thanks again.

[Hollibob]

Hi.

I've always said I'll do whatever is required to allow us to have a baby.

I'm quite lucky that my husband is very supportive and will also do the same thing....lets face it though, in the grand scheme of things, they don't have to go through very much in comparison to the females?!

It's is probably the fact that as a man, he wants to fix it himself, but sometimes with the human body we need a helping hand.

I would say don't waste time, explain to him that you want a baby as much as he does, but without speaking with the specialists more about options and success rates on your own vs treatment, it might not happen on its own.

You'll get there, don't worry x

[Vickal in reply to Hollibob]

Thanks Hayles, good advice.

[scribble1603]

I was in a similar situation as I have endo in my ovaries which wasn't discovered until we had been TTC for over 4 years and were sent to the local infertility clinic. My husband was insistent that we TTC naturally but once we went to the IVF clinic all that changed! I have just had a miscarriage after our first IVF round and he's the one desperate to get started again. I think he has now realised that TTC naturally probably isn't going to happen and we've wasted a lot of time putting off treatment. I've tried to make sure that he has felt part of the process the whole way through and the clinic have also been very good at involving him. In some respects it feels like we have been given some control back as well as some hope xx

[Vickal in reply to scribble1603]

So sorry to hear you miscarried. I can't imagine how that must feel after going through so much. Good luck with your next round.

I'm hoping he comes to terms with our situation after our appointment next week. Counting the days now!

[seekingpeace]

Hi Vickal, I hope you worked it through with your hubby. I think Hollibob hit the nail on the head - your husband wants to make this right for you, and is frustrated that he can't. I'm sure once he gets past the raw emotions (which will take time and patience) he'll see that he can help you, by going forward with ICSI. My friend's husband was a bit the same, he wanted nothing more than to give his partner a child, but he hated getting help. She just kept moving forward, booking appointments, filling out the forms etc, and she knew he'd follow (even if he never smiled about it).

They were lucky enough to conceive naturally in the end, but they still had to work a little at some of the bad feeling from that time. But because they were both working towards the same end goal, they soon got past it.

Good luck xx

[Vickal]

Thank you seeking peace. I'm in two minds at the mo. Part of me thinks I should not ask my husband to go through ICSI if he doesn’t want to, I've never been the type of partner to make demands of my husband. But on the other hand I think I will begin to resent him if we don’t take the opportunity and we never get the chance to be parents. Especially as it’s all about his pride. I finally got him to open up a bit and he says he feels like less of a man having to go through this. We’ve decided not to share any more info with friends and family which helps him as he thinks that people will think less of him. This forum is very important to me now as I do need to share how I feel sometimes with someone other than my hubby.

We haven’t even got to the paperwork bit yet and I’m emotionally exhausted! Hope we can cope with the next phase. We’re now waiting for the results of another sperm test. This is to see how well it ‘preps’. Fingers crossed, I don’t think my husband could take any more bad news.