Doesn’t feel like LIFE

[FrancyItaly]

Since I had my miscarriage in September 7 friends gave birth to their first child, they were all due after me. Today the last one gave birth, I really thought I would feel good, for some reason I struggled seeing their bumps but not them with their babies once they gave birth.

But today is not like that, even though I am grateful I will not have to see their bump (and there were no baby showers to go to because of the lockdown) I feel like I am the only one who was left childless. I try but I just can’t find a good reason to feel truly happy again, tough I know I am a very fortunate person for so many reasons. I have everything anyone could wish for except a child.

I feel very crappy about this, I know how many people take it for granted to become mums. They got married and started to desire to have baby and it just happened straight away. I always knew I would turn 30, get married and get pregnant, and it magically happened, despite me having PCOS. But then I had a miscarriage and my perfect plans and the things I was dreaming were just gone. I just don’t know what to do to not obsess about this.

Next week I’ll go to our private clinic for the first time. We had a consultation via Zoom already which was very positive, the doctor said ‘Is not a matter of if you get pregnant but when and how’. I just don’t know why this doesn’t make me feel any better. I keep thinking the year ahead will be me and my husband meeting our friends with their babies. None of them sees me as a mum or remembers my baby. I know I will feel crap and useless and my husband will feel helpless.

I am grateful he doesn’t feel like me, he is so positive and thinks it’s just a matter of time. I don’t want him to think I’m crazy for having this low moments or that I am envious. I still feel in pain for my loss from time to time.

[Ivf2020A]

First of all sending you love hugs and prayers xxx its incredibly hard watching others get pregnant have babies while we just watch on. I hope in time it gets better for you. I dont have any answers for you but I know what it feels like so i want you to know you are not alone or crazy to feel this way. Iv just taken a suggestion for a mindful app from zita west and try some mindfulness. We beat ourselves up and say we should be grateful for ab and c bt truth is we are all grateful bt aching for that one thing x and your day will come sweetie xxx sending 💓

[FrancyItaly in reply to Ivf2020A]

Thank you for your message. I hope it goes well for you at the new clinic 💕

[Ivf2020A in reply to FrancyItaly]

Thank you hun x stay strong u got this xxx

[Hidden]

It’s truly rubbish. I am so sorry you feel like you do and so wish there was a magic wand that could help you find happiness again.

I think there are two things going on - firstly I think you are protecting yourself .. it’s too hard to feel positive in case your hopes come crashing down again and it just hurts so much. And also I think it’s lack of control - saying it will happen sometime isn’t any help really because we want to know WHEN and we want to know it’s going to happen this month!

None of this is any help I just want you to know it’s all completely normal. Have you tried counselling? It didn’t work for me but worked for a lot of people on here. Sometimes you just get used to feeling like this, it’s certainly become my normal but probably less than you and I think I just cope because of that tiny bit of hope still burning somewhere

Sending you huge hugs xx

[FrancyItaly in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your message. You’ve had a difficult journey too, I am sorry about that and I hope it will happen for you soon 💕

[PenguinBlue]

Hi there, please know that you are not alone and there are so many who feel the same as you and are in the same boat - me included. You are much stronger than you realise and I hope you get through this. It’s great you’ve taken the first step with the private clinic and wish you so much success! The fact that your doctor is so positive is amazing too - lots of hugs and love xx

[FrancyItaly in reply to PenguinBlue]

Thank you for your message. Sometimes I am even sorry to post in the forum because I know so many people are in the same situation if not a harder one 💕

[kt777]

Wow I could have actually written this myself. I gave birth at 23 weeks in September and baby passes away. I was also pregnant with 6 of my friends and I was meant to be the last one to give birth in January this year. It was extremely hard to visit them when they had the babies but I had to put on a brave face. Now they are starting to discuss their first birthdays and I’m feeling the dread.

I too have an appointment with my new Private clinic next week. We currently have frozen embryos with an NHS hospital but they won’t be seeing us till September/October so my husband and I have decided to move clinics. Luckily we will be starting with my next cycle.

It’s so hard but we can’t give up. I’m sending you so much love and I know you will be a mum. Everyone’s journey is different and remember special things take time x

[FrancyItaly in reply to kt777]

I am so sorry for your loss, how heartbreaking it must be to lose a baby at 23 weeks. I hope you are feeling better now but I know the pain is still there. Hopefully you had support from your friends and family. Good luck with the new clinic next week, I think that’s definitely the best decision. I hope to hear good news from you soon 💕

[kt777 in reply to FrancyItaly]

It still haunts me but I’m trying to move forward. My support system was great!

Thank you so much good luck with you too x

[Maisie234]

My friend had her baby on Sunday. I was absolutely dreading the announcement, especially as she planned her baby way after I'd been trying for 4 years and she got pregnant first time. (I was pregnant the same time as her but it didn't last beyond 10 weeks). It's Friday now and I feel a bit better. Stopped taking it out on my husband.

You have your first meeting booked and who knows this could be it. I always try and have a back up plan just incase. Be it another try or tactic or option. My back up plan is going abroad for DE which has a much better success rate for us.

This sounds stupid but I learned to crochet in lockdown and that's been good for mindfulness and in my head it will be a baby blanket one day. Of course I'm not saying that as my husband will think I've lost it! I visited a reiki practitioner last year and she said imagining what it would look like, planning for a cot, where it would go, what you need to buy, is all preparing yourself. I liked that. Your husband sounds like he doesn't need any help! Good luck at your zoom meeting. Xx

[FrancyItaly in reply to Maisie234]

Thank you for your message and advice. It isn’t stupid, it’s good to keep our minds occupied with things we like to do. I was also told to think about myself holding a baby and taking him home, apparently it’s meant to help. Sometimes I look at the amazon wish list full of things I saved for the baby I lost, sometimes I add and remove items. It sounds crazy I know.

I hope to hear a happy news from you very soon 💕

[Maisie234 in reply to FrancyItaly]

It sounds like a great idea! Like preparing for it and we get more time to do it too. We will have it all in the amazing account. Xx

[aamiller405 in reply to FrancyItaly]

I like that idea actually.. anything that helps isn't crazy at all x

[aamiller405]

Youre not crazy at all. I had an early misscarriage and people that were due the same time as me have had their babies. And more due now in the next month. And it hurts!!

I still feel the pain of the loss too.. i think its normal, or at least its normal for me.

I wish i could make you feel better but i dont have the answers. We just have to hold on to hope that one day soon it will be our turn. Sending love xox

[FrancyItaly in reply to aamiller405]

I am very sorry for your loss. It’s even more painful when you want to be happy for your pregnant friends but you just can’t fully feel that way because you are still dealing with your own pain. It takes a lot of courage to put a brave face on. I hope it will be our turn very soon 💕

[Mara84]

You are one of the kindest person who been there for me since we found each other here and you know how blue I feel some days and there is no shame in that! its not easy and everyone get effected differently... I can't say anything that actually you haven't told me before, but I believe you will have your baby soon and I think the way you feel we all felt and its all a part of this hectic journey... ❤️😘

[FrancyItaly in reply to Mara84]

Aw thank you for always being there for me 💕

[PenguinBlue]

Don’t worry, the ladies on here are so supportive. we all understand the pain each other are feeling better than anyone else! I have my ups and downs with this just like everyone. How was your consultation? Xxx

[FrancyItaly in reply to PenguinBlue]

Thank you for your message. I only have you ladies to speak to, I don’t feel anyone else really understand. Our consultation via Zoom was 2 weeks ago and it went very well. I am now waiting for my period so I can go to do some blood tests and start to monitor my cycle. Obviously to make this harder my period is late and I am not pregnant 😕

[PenguinBlue in reply to FrancyItaly]

I know, unless someone has been through this they really have no idea how it feels. That’s great you’re waiting for your period to kick start this cycle - sounds like you’re getting straight in

And trust your period not to show when you actually want it! It’s like Mother Nature is playing a trick on us!! Hope that it shows up soon and all the best for your tests!!! Xxx