Getting ready for 4th round - best friend pregnant and feels they should be able to talk to me about it 🤯🤦🏽‍♀️

[Betty08x]

My best friend told me last week she’s about 7 weeks pregnant. Like many posts I’ve seen on here I went through that awful mixture of dread/guilt/happiness for them/sadness for us the list goes on. She is my very best friend, so supportive and aware of our journey so far. We are about to start our 4th round tomorrow- first time private.

She doesn’t speak to any of her family and has had a pretty rough ride in life so I’m genuinely happy that she has this new chapter, it does mean that I’m her “go to” and in normal circumstances she would tell me every detail.

I’ve explained that I really want this to be a happy time for her but I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to have conversations about the pregnancy etc. We share a group chat with another friend and I politely asked that they speak direct about baby stuff etc.

One of her replies didn’t sit right with me yesterday when she said she hasn’t been saying too much but doesn’t want to feel like she can’t say anything.

I’ve told her she absolutely deserves to be able to talk about it but there maybe be other people who can give her that better than me, as it would be hard for me.

She wants to be able to talk to me about her worries and yesterday went for an early reassurance scan (which came back all good) but I know I’d struggle having those chats and this is even before I’m in the thick of another round.

I feel like I’ve handled it really maturely and kindly and just wanted to offload in a safe place where others will understand how shitty this can be 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

[Emmanev1]

Just remember it's not selfish to put yourself 1st which sounds what you are doing. All the best for your upcoming round xx

[Betty08x in reply to Emmanev1]

Thank you I go through waves of feeling bad but then remind myself of this so appreciate your reply ♥️ Xxx

[Lana2009]

Sounds like you handled it very well. Much better than I did. I ended up losing my best friend for the 6 months until her baby was born. And she was the one who put the boundary in for space! It was complicated, in part she was right to do so and in part she really abandoned me in my hour of need because she was pregnant and I couldn’t get pregnant or that’s what it felt like. But she was pregnant and she needed to do what was best for her! My point is, it sounds like you are doing what’s best for you and if your friend can’t respect that it might be best to take a break from your friend. It doesn’t mean forever, if you’re good friends you will come together again afterwards. But you do need to put yourself first!

Good luck with your round

Xx

[Betty08x in reply to Lana2009]

Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear it worked out that way in your friendship. It’s really hard to get the boundaries right because like you say we both have to do what is best for each other which can mean the relationship changing. But yes hopefully it’s temporary we will get through it.This may sound selfish but I feel like when we are already managing infertility/IVF/losses, it’s a lot to then have to make sacrifices in our friendships and not be true to ourselves and how we feel.

Thanks for your well wishes much appreciated ♥️ Xxx

[SuzyL123]

Hi Betty, don’t be too hard on yourself!Everyone is different and has different needs out of a situation, we are just about to do our 6th transfer, it’s been so hard seeing my friends pregnant before us over the years and we have felt so disappointed and frustrated, but the overwhelming feeling for me was always happiness for them and I’ve never asked someone not to talk to me about it because we both need eachother just as much through our own journeys.

All you can do is be honest with yourself and your friend so you both feel just as supported and you don’t lose your friendship☺️

Good luck with this round!🥰x

[Betty08x in reply to SuzyL123]

Hi Suzy, thanks for your reply it’s nice to get your perspective on it and yes you’re right she needs to feel supported too. I’m definitely struggling with being there for her whilst also not letting the info get to me. We’ll get there 🤞🏼

Thanks for your well wishes and back at you for your next transfer! ♥️ Xxx

[SuzyL123 in reply to Betty08x]

I genuinely don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel or be, and I don’t think anyone can ever understand how exhausting and draining ivf is unless you’ve been through it!Over the last year we’ve started sharing a lot more details of our journey with our friends so they’ve got more of an appreciation of how hard it is, it’s really helped us but I fully get it’s so different for everyone.x

[JoyfulStar]

Reading your post, it is obvious that this is difficult for both of you and to be honest, I get both points of view. It is very difficult to go from having a best friend, confidant and support to not been able to access it anymore even if there is a very valid reason.

From a personal perspective, I think you can continue a friendship and share difficulties even in circumstances like these. It will just depend on how you both deal with it. Like you, I was going through IVF when 2 people close to me got pregnant not long after I had a failed cycle. They both had personal struggles with getting pregnant.

One of them, went through IVF herself, and when she got pregnant, I was very happy for her but I noticed the dynamics changed and she became very focused on herself and the pregnancy and very rarely asked me about how things were going for me so I ended up withdrawing from her- not cutting her off completely but just taking a step back.

The second person on the other hand was a lot more mindful of my feelings and took a while to tell me she was pregnant and when she realised that I was happy for her, she opened up to me more and always asked about my journey and was very invested in my success. I also was just as invested in her success because I knew the trauma she had gone through with repeated miscarriages. She has a beautiful 6 month old daughter and I am her Godmother. She has continued to be a source of support now I am pregnant myself.

So what I am trying to say is if you are happy for her, and she is in turn emotionally mature to be a source of support to you through your journey, there is a way, you can both be there for each other as best friends.

I recognise it is not a the easiest thing to go through feeling left behind when others get pregnant and you are still trying. The way I dealt with it was to accept that pregnancies around me will happen. It does not reflect on my journey. I just believed that I would be a mother one day even if it was not exactly how I wanted it to happen.

I hope you work things out with your friend in a way that works for both of you x

[XOXO13]

I think it sounds like you’ve handled the situation really well. Going through a difficult journey whilst it may come easier to others can be really hard to accept and process.

Just a few weeks after my first miscarriage, one of my bestfriends told me she was pregnant with twins. She’d been trying a month and me years so it really hit me hard. I told her how happy I was for her but that I may be quiet because I was still healing. She totally respected that and for a while (also due to Covid) we didn’t see one another or talk baby stuff. But we made sure we each knew we were thinking of one another. When her babies were born, my first ivf cycle had failed and again, I found it really difficult to deal with but I made sure she knew how happy I was for her and sent the babies a gift.

My sister also fell pregnant unexpectedly just as I was starting IVF and that hit me incredibly hard. I never allowed her to see it, only my mum knew how much I struggled with my sisters pregnancy, but my sister respected boundaries straight away. I feel sad knowing that she hid pregnancy stuff from me, like she didn’t post bump pictures in fear of upsetting me for example, but that’s my sister, she’s a huge heart and she knew how difficult this journey was for me and she also knew that she had many family and friends celebrating her pregnancy when I couldn’t be there for her as much as I really wanted to. She never got angry with me over that, and had told me from the start that I have to protect my own heart. When my niece was born, I felt nothing but overwhelming love for her. She’s actually named after me and I’m her godmother. I’m so proud of my sister and she’s always known that despite me not being around as much when she was pregnant. Do I regret it? Yes a little but I also think it was right for me at the time.

I’m now pregnant with twins following my fourth transfer and both my sister and friend have shown nothing but support and love, especially my sister who has been my biggest cheerleader throughout my treatment. It’s been overwhelming and I’ve felt like I haven’t deserved their love and support, but they’ve both reminded me that I’ve gone through a really difficult journey and overcome so much that they never had to, and I had to survive that in my own way. I think that must make me incredibly lucky.

To show two sides of the coin, one of my other bestfriends (I’ve a large group of girlfriends) has struggled with her fertility for the past year and was seeking help. When my treatment worked, I had to be really mindful of her feelings and had told her that she should take whatever space she needed from me and she was so grateful I had said that, she said it was a weight lifted from her. She really struggled to speak to me or see me and I completely understood that and do not hold it against her. She had to protect herself and I’m glad she did. She always knew I was there if and when she was ready. Anyway, she’s pregnant now and it’s been wonderful to celebrate that with her.

This is an incredibly long post so I’m sorry about that. I guess what I’m saying is that you have to do what you need to do to survive your own situation. Real friends and family whom love you will understand that and will always be there for you when you’re ready. Don’t cut them off completely, check in with them and let them know you’re thinking of them but it’s okay to let them know that there may be times that you may be quieter to help yourself.

I used to keep my phone on silent to filter messages so that I could control when I’d read them. For example, if I was having a rocky day, I’d avoid my phone but if I was having a better day, I’d take the opportunity to drop my friend or sister a message to check in on them and babies.

Hope this helps in some way xxxx

[Skittles11]

It's incredibly difficult when you're having fertility struggles and those around you get pregnant. I think you've handled it really well by making it clear to your friend that you're happy for her but you equally need to distance yourself from pregnancies around you.

Like many, I have been there. I discovered my close friend was pregnant as I was about to start my first cycle of IVF, after a year and a half of trying and a miscarriage. I then found out my sister was 12 weeks pregnant a week after I had had my first egg collection, where no eggs had been collected.

In both cases I had to distance myself from them during their pregnancies to protect my heart. Like you, I felt they had many people they could talk to and it did not need to be me. One of the relationships became quite fragile as a result of this, the other not so much.

When you are in the thick of your IVF cycle you are right to be mindful about your heart and what you can cope with xx