Hi all, I am trying to come to terms with egg donation and would love to hear from anyone that has done it.
My husband is not convinced because he says that for him it would mean raising the child of someone else.
Please tell me your experience and how it feels having a baby that is not genetically yours.
Thanks xx
Hey. Firstly am so sorry about your negative on your other post 💕Secondly how do you feel about donor eggs? I would be totally fine with donor eggs and if this transfer fails that’s hopefully our next chance of becoming pregnant. Again due to age.
Thirdly to your husband…..ask him the question what if it was his sperm that was the issue? How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Am not dismissing his feelings towards it but if your chance of becoming parents then it definitely needs discussing and looking into more. What if it was you that had to decide if you was ok using donor sperm to achieve your dream?!?!?!
Please look into with your husband I think he will be surprised by the findings!
Hope your ok take a day at a time and be kind to yourself 💕
Thank you very much for replying. To be honest I have many concerns about donor egg, so I have started exploring this world...
My husband wants to try IUI at least one more time in the meantime I hope he opens his mind a little more about this.
We are already super blessed with a wonderful daughter but the idea of not being able to give her a sibling is killing me and I think this helps me to overcome all the concerns I might have about egg donation.
Wish you good luck for your journey. Xxx
Hi I am in the same situation, I’m looking at the possibility of using donor eggs as I have a genetic condition I don’t want to pass on to my children. My partner is also against using donor eggs and he says it’s not fair that the child is mine and not yours, so I’m in two minds about what to do! I have always wanted children the only dream I ever had but knowing that the child won’t have my characteristics, features etc does break my heart. Sorry for the negativity 🤦🏻♀️ But good luck with whatever you do, any child is blessing, and either way we would raise it as our own xxx
I can understand how you feel. It's not an easy choice. Good luck to you too xxx
Hi Aurora, I'm so sorry to hear about the tough choices. I know a few couples who have faced a similar situation and have decided to screened for specific genes during IVF (PGT-M). Maybe that could be an option to explore?
I’m hoping the genetic counsellor will help with that but from research the condition I have you can’t actually screen for that specific gene, I’m trying to not look online as there is so much out there and just wait to talk to the genetic counsellor, my consultant just says there is a 50% chance I can pass it on and it could suffer and have worse symptoms which is what I’m worried about.
Oh man, sorry to hear that it's not a straight forward case, and I hope the genetic counselor can give more clarity. Best of luck going forward with your decision!
My baby girl's name, born thanks to an egg donor, is Aurora 😊When they told me that my eggs were not good anymore and, because of my age, my only choice was egg donation, i felt like suffocating, so sad and hopeless and I lost count of how many times I cried looking at my hands for example: I have the same hands of my mother who has the same hands of my great-grandmother and thinking that my baby will not have this characteristics, just made me burst in tears. But then I talked with some people and I totally changed my mind.
Now I don't regret for one single moment my choice: looking at her smiling when she wakes up and she sees me, feeling her breathing on my neck while I am holding her (like right now) hearing her trying to talk, reaching milestones, hugging me etc...etc....I feel my heart exploding with love for her and not for one second I think that we do not share DNA, she's my baby, the love of my life!
She has a lot of features of my husband and, it might sounds crazy but, I compared two pictures, one of her and one of me at the same age: we have the same shape of the lips and the chin (dimple included) and we have the same "foot fingers": the toe is shorter and kind of separated from the other fingers. This to say that we know so little about epigenetics and I don't want to push you to make this choice, like I said it's not easy, at all, but don't be scared to consider it. Feel free to write me if you have some questions ❤
Thank you for sharing that 🥰 beautiful name and journey! When I hear stories like this it does make things easier to consider, at the of the day they are yours! How do you feel about the baby potentially wanting to know the egg donor later on? That’s what Im finding most difficult I think. I have done research and a few countries it’s completely anonymous
I went to a clinic in Russia ( that I highly recommend) where the donor is anonymous, I could see her pictures and know everything about her but of course not the name or where she lives. I never actually asked if in the future my baby can have a contact with her, because when I decided for egg donation, in my mind I understood that the baby is mine, she grew in my belly and through the umbilical cord she got from me what she needed to grow, she was reacting when she was hearing my voice (and also when I was eating some spicy food that she didn't really appreciated) and I will tell her as soon as she is big enough to understand, I will not wait many years, I think I will tell her like a fairy tale, that her mom needed a little help and a very kind woman gave her a little help 😊
If I go through with it, I will definitely message you about the clinic 😊 everything your saying is true and I think I need to stop thinking about every single detail
I am happy if I helped you a little bit to take this big decision 😊 and, yes, message me and I will give you all the info you might need (I just tell you that in this clinic they are awesome and they are so sure that you will have a baby that they will give you all the money back if it doesn't happen!)
My wife and I have one kiddo and one on the way and of course needed to use a donor to make it happen. There is not enough talk about DCP (donor conceived people!) and there experiences in the fertility world. Please please please consider researching this yourself. There are lots of great Facebook groups out there to better understand their experiences and guide your decisions. The biggest piece of advise from DCP is to have an open/known donor, preferably someone in your life that they can get to know as their genetic parent, who’s open to loving them and knowing them. I know this is a big ask for an RP (recipient parent) and I really struggled at first with the idea of my kids genetic parent being in our lives but after researching it’s 💯 the best thing for our kiddos. Also as time has gone on abs things have played out things just feel super normal and easy. I’m so so grateful our donor is in our lives to love our boys. Please do the research! You’ll be glad you did! A known donor might also ease your husbands feelings about having a kid with a stranger because the donor won’t be a stranger!
I am starting to research. One of the things that worries me is that my child would not eventually look at me as their mum...but this is just one of the many worries I have. I appreciate I'd need more information and counselling. It's hard but my motivation is also very strong. Anyway congratulations for your lovely family. Xxx
I think you’ll find when reseearching yhst this is rarely the case with a mother who shows love and affection from the beginning and does the work to work through their own issues with not being the genetic parent and doesn’t burden their kid with it. For example, the worst stories you read about is when it hidden— it conveys a sense of shame and finding our about a big piece of your identity late in life can be traumatizing to the donor conceived child. Those that know from the beginning and have loving parents who are not ashamed of their birth story seem to convey stories of being totally fine with things. It’s all about being the adult and doing the work so your kid doesn’t have to. Is there a chance they’ll want to know more about their genetics later, yes! And your job is to normalize that abs not see it as a threat. The more ok you are with things the more likely your kid is to just be your kid and love you completely because you support them and realize they have rights to this info. Also I know the hard work happens in the parenting. Our son will always know I’m the one who shows up for him every day. He spends tome with his donor family but he’s largely uninterested at this point and just wants me to hold him (He’s two), but by providing access he’ll have memories of them and feel like he can have his needs and feelings as they arise and access to his donor to answer those questions.
Hi,
I have a best friend who has used a donor egg abs her husbands sleek.. she felt the baby grow in her, loved it as he grew and when he was born felt this was her child as it is. Her husbands sperm met part of their genetics and think helped him, they love the child as he is theirs. It is a decision that does need researching and talking through as even having a biological baby by both parents can. Adopted children aren’t considered anything but their parents child when that’s the decision taken.
I don’t think your husband would feel it wasn’t yours since he is having his sperm used and would see his appearance. It depends on how badly you want a child and want to love a new child. I too am at the stage- as I want a sibling for my daughter and feel it would complete our family … but it’s all so hard and exhausting and painful. I wish you success and hope you get that longed for child whatever route you choose
Hi
Our third round was a donor egg round, where my youngest sister donated.
We did ICSI using my husbands sample. With an egg donor as I saw it, all they are donating is a ball of cells that’s it. When the embryo is implanted it grows off of you, someone put a post on here recently that explained the initial egg cells drift away and the embryo develops through you basically.
I’m 38+5 today with a planned C section for Thursday.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's so nice that you got your sister to do this for you. I remember that post. I'll try to find it again and get my husband to read it. My husband is woo worried about genetics and the baby having the DNA of a stranger. Anyway in you r case it's is so totally different ad your egg came from your sister!
I wish you all the best for Thursday 💖💖💖xxx
I looked into it but ultimately decided against for many reasons really and I know that a lot of members on here have used donors and so wouldn’t want to offend anyone as it’s such a personal decision
All I would say is that at the time I also had an older child - a daughter. I was scared that I wouldn’t look on a donor egg baby the same. Someone once told me that as women as we are born with all the eggs we will ever make we start life inside our grandmothers. I knew my feelings for a donor egg baby would be very complicated especially if I had a girl and ultimately couldn’t take that risk as it wouldn’t be fair on the baby x
I understand your feelings. I feel the same but at the same time, we have a daughter too, and the idea of not being able to give her a sibling is killing me inside and makes me feel guilty.
Hi!! I just read your post while I am holding my 4 months baby girl after her morning meal. She's here thanks to egg donation! Because of my age, my eggs were not good enough anymore so, after reading a lot about epigenetic and the experience of other women who made this choice, I decided to do it as well and I couldn't be happier: I love her so much, not for one second I think that we do not share DNA, she's not the child of someone else, she's my baby, she was in my belly for 7 months (I had pre-eclampsia so I had an emergency c-section), there's nothing I wouldn't do for her and I am so so so happy I made this choice.I hope that my experience will make you think about choosing an egg donor with a lighter heart ❤
Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this. It can be a really tough decision but it was absolutely the right decision for us. We had two rounds using own eggs. Got plenty of eggs but no blastocysts. We then went to Czech for donor eggs. We have twins thanks to our donor. Otherwise, I doubt we would have had children of our own. From the moment the eggs were transferred, they felt like mine. They also really look like my husband.
Hi I have a four year old son from a donor egg. We had three mcs from using my own eggs before we decided to go to Spain for egg donation. The first round failed but I found out I have anti phospholipid syndrome and was advised I could try again with my OE. By that I just wanted a baby, I couldn’t beat the thought of another mc so we went ahead. I couldn’t love my son more and everyone comments about how much he looks like me and my partner. The matching process was superb.
I felt no different when I found out I was pregnant with him than when I was pregnant on other occasions.
I was also on the waiting list for a donor at an NHS hospital so we both had to have implications counselling to be approved, perhaps that’s something you could explore.
Good luck
Hi there,
I have a daughter born from my eggs and my partner's sperm. She doesn't look like me at all, the other day I took a picture where she looks like the daughter of my boyfriend's cousin.
I actually think this is a blessing, because I want her to grow as herself, and our differences are a constant reminder that she's not me, she's not my property, she probably won't grow into what I love, and that's fine and actually beautiful.
Genetics is overrated, you think it'll be easier to love someone who looks like you, but then turn around, look at your partner, and see how different you are.
Does your daughter go to school? Can you spot which ones of her friends were born thanks to a donor? (statistically speaking, surely there are a few) I know the answer is no.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't worry about anything. I'm just saying that the same question "where did that characteristic come from?" will come up with your daughter. And that's normal.
Good luck with your decision!
Hi Miracolo2, I’m in that same position as you at the moment. Recently told by consultant not to pursue ivf with my own eggs any further following 2 failed rounds, and advised next steps are donor eggs. My partner is not up for it and but I’m now starting my research anyway. We have a son already with my own eggs.Anyway, I wanted to recommend the donor conception network DCN to you, apologies if someone has already. I’ve just joined snd chatted to a few people there on zoom. To get an idea of process of it, how, what’s etc. They are brilliant. I’m not anywhere near convincing my other half but at least I know more. I now need to mentally get around the fact I can’t give a sibling in the way I previously expected. It is good to read people’s experiences on this too, that’s has helped me and given me hope too. Px
I haven't had a baby yet but am in the middle of proceeding with donor eggs. We have 3 embryos in the freezer and I am hoping to have a transfer at some point next year.
I don't have any children, so I have different challenges to you. But it has taken me at least a year to get my head around donor eggs so don't expect to just be fine with it immediately. My other half was fine with it because its his sperm so he still influences the baby, and us girls carry it for 9 months so we influence too.
My biggest concern was that he/she wouldn't look like me and I wouldn't love them. But then I thought about how much I love my pets!! Then I looked at my nephew and realised you would NEVER match him with his Mum in a line up as they look TOTALLY different. She has olive skin and long dark curly hair and is curvy. He is stick thin, blond and very pale skinned. But he is from her own eggs and no one has ever questioned it!! Thats the thing that got me over the line.
For me it was donor eggs or no baby at all, and the second option just wasn't viable for us.
Good luck xx
Thank you. Good luck with you transfer xxx
I did donor eggs. My son is 18 months and I love him so much he’s my little miracle❤️ I don’t regret a thing. It doesn’t matter that we don’t share the same genes I don’t even think about that but I do plan on telling him when he’s older. I really believe that I was meant to be his mom❤️
I posted this a while ago, worth a read. I’m trying with DE and this helped me. healthunlocked.com/api/redi...
I’m mum of a daughter born with donor eggs she’s 9 and she’s my world in fact I’d say she’s closer to me than her dad. While she may not look like me she has all my mannerisms sayings and temperament but I should say I’ve two friends also with girls conceived by DE and theirs are do like them looks wise. It’s the best decision I ever made because it was our only option. Here if you want to ask me any questions personally via in box. Our treatment was Prague and completely anonymous x
I considered it but decided there is absolutely know way I could do it and purely for selfish reasons.
I wouldn’t want to tell my child that they were made with donor eggs because I wouldn’t want to run the risk that they wouldn’t want me as a mother.
I also know that if it was me as the child, I would absolutely want to know everything about my genetic make up (I studied some genetics at university and it frustrates me that my dad knows very little about his parents as they died when they were young). Therefore I wouldn’t want to keep that information from a child and obviously these two things don’t go together.
We’re going to try one more round with my own eggs and it that doesn’t work we’re just going to accept our lives without children. Perhaps I’m too much of a scientist but I only really want a child if it’s genetically mine. I fully admire people who foster and adopt but I just can’t imagine myself doing it.
Give your husband some time, it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you cannot have biological children.
I was 45 years old when we adopted an embryo from an anonymous donor, our son is now 7 months old. Every time an IVF is performed there will be frozen healthy embryos left behind, because there are more created than implanted. Couples only use 1 or 2 of the embryos they create and freeze the rest forever.
They are called snowflakes, 1 million în US alone, little embryos frozen în time unless they are adopted and given a place to grow.
My husband did not want to hear about it at first and now he says our son is the light of his life.
This was the best decision we ever made, I carried my son for 9 months, he was part of me, I do not think for 1 second this is not my biological child. The love we have for him is undescribable and I promise you, you and your husband will never look back once a decision is made.
Many hugs, all the best, it will all work out.
This our son, the love of our lives, now 7 months old, we adopted his as a frozen embryo from an anonymous donor. Best thing that ever happened to us. My husband now is in love. He was very hard to convince and now he is the happiest daddy ever! Your husband will not regret it, I can promise you. Love and hugs.
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Hi, so sorry your cycles weren't successful. We had my eggs frozen but the consultant advised using donor eggs first for best chance of success due to age (39). Its very personal and I think it takes people different amounts of time to come to terms with. With us it was a no brainer - it was always about being parents rather than having a baby that looked like me and using a donor egg was the most reliable way to do it. .My best friend has 3 children ( 2 biological, 1 adopted) and the only 1 who bares any resemblance to her is the adopted one. I saw using a donor egg as just giving us the cluster of cells needed to start. In a very simplified way If I wanted to build a house and someone gave me the first brick to start it off and we added everything else to end up with a completed house would I see the end result as someone else's house or our house ? Our house 100%.!!!
Our Son looked identical to my husband as a baby but interestingly has medical issues identical to me. There's microsomal RNA in the amniotic fluid so there's a lot about this, epigenetics etc . I have never thought of our son as anything other than our son. I grew him for 9 months, felt every kick etc and can't imagine would have felt any different if it had been my own egg. When my son is old enough we'll tell him exactly this. Someone kindly gave us an egg to start growing him.
Good luck with everything and you will love your baby regardless of wherever its little cells first came from. Xx
I have two friends that were adopted as babies. Both of them have no desire to know their biological parents as they are perfectly happy with their "real parents" - the mother and father that raised them.
Not every story about donation or adoption is going to be happy and I think that you are likely to read a lot more unhappy stories online than you will happy stories. This is because the unhappy people tend to gather at support sites and the happy people are out living their lives (to put it simplistically).
Both of my friends have the ability to know their bio mothers (that information is provided by the adoption agency by law once they are of age) but neither has wanted to engage with their bio parents. They made the decision that they already had a mum and dad and that was more than enough for them. I have never heard them complain or whine about being adopted or wanting new parents and I've know them since we were 8! It comes down to the family that you build together and the love that you have for each other.
Good luck. Egg donation is a very personal choice and I may face it in the future since I am getting older, my husband passed away and I am pregnant with our one and now only child. If she is to have a sibling, it is highly unlikely that her sibling will be a biological sibling. Does this mean that she should be an only child ? I don't know. For me it will be a matter of emotional and mental willpower as well as finances down the road.
Hi. I’ve had two children by two different donor eggs. Please feel free to dm me. X
I have twins through d.e I will never regret my decision. I absolutely 💯 mine. I am there birth mother. Cells may have been donated but takes more then that to grow a baby. Its a mixture of genetics and epergentics . They look like my husband but my daughter is a mixture. Everyone says it. They make my heart so full. Love then unconditionally. You can dm with any questions. Xxx
I have a friend that after ten attempts at ivf, finally had two babies with egg donation. Honestly they’re the most gorgeous babies and neither she or her husband feel anything other than complete love for them. I think egg donation is probably easier than sperm, as if you carry a baby for nine months and give birth to it, that babies yours, no matter what the dna says. Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx
Many thanks for this. I've been reading a lot these days about it and realized that epigenetics is something that has such a big influence. As you pointed out they do not tell you enough about it and don't talk enough about it. People who do not go through this just know that the baby is not genetically yours and that's all. Unfortunately there is a lot of ignorance around this topic, but people usually speak as if they know everything.
I understand that the best thing to do would be telling the child. However, I do worry about how the child would react to this. I agree with you that it's not an adoption, but I worry that this may create identity problems. I have been trying to think how I would have felt if my mother one day had told me that, and I think I wouldn't have thought that my mother was not my mother.
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