I shall rephrase my last post.
If we use donor embryo or eggs myself and husband would always be there parents and we would love them sooo much. but do we tell them we are not their biological parents? Views please. I would hate for them to find out down the line and think we have lied to them any thoughts please.
I think it is a really important issue and don’t really know the answer, but my instinct is honesty is probably the best policy.
Our clinic gave us councelling and also showed us these books specially for children that kind of breaks it down and explains it using trees and plants and stuff, it’s all very sweet really. So I guess if from the start U are open and have a relaxed attitude then that will be what the child feels too. But it’s not easy, I just hope I get to the stage where I can buy that book for my little one 🙏🏻
U can always message me if u want I’m going through DE at the moment and then moving to embryo adoption if this fails x
If you use DE in this country they have to be told at 18 and can be given the details to contact the donor if they want too. A bit like adoption really.
A lot abroad remain anonymous.
So it’s a personal decision really. That’s another reason we stayed in the U.K., as at first I thought I’d want an annoymous donor but after thinking about it for some time we decided if it worked then we’d want them to have the chance to make contact with the donor if they want to, as out of curiosity I know I would. You do have to go through counselling sessions which makes it a lot easier, they suggest you start introducing the concept of it all to the child from quite a young age as research shows they get to grips with it better knowing it’s always sort of been a normal conversation for as long as they can remember.
It is such a personal decision though and pros and cons to both xx
Hi Claire,
We are using donor sperm and after advice during counselling we are going to tell our child. It’s obviously a personal choice but we want to be honest and feel it would be worse if our child found out later. Does your clinic offer counselling? It really helped us make sense of everything. Good luck x
I think this a really personal choice for you and your OH.
We are using donor sperm and the truth is we haven’t made that decision yet. We’re just taking it step by step and doing the getting pregnant bit done first. I think we should tell them, my OH isn’t so sure.
They have the right to find out who their biological parent is, but I guess for them to do that then you would need to share that with them. They won’t suddenly have a letter of notification on their 18th birthday.
Maybe you could try counselling, all clinic offer it, but ours haven’t told us it’s mandatory (which surprised me) and so the decision is yours xx
I’m going to throw the the general consensus and say we are categorically not going to say. We have given this huge consideration. We are not telling anyone we are doing ivf either. I can only do this this way. I am sure like you all to do donor anything is a massive step and for us this is our way of coping. If the time comes for whatever reason then we will be honest with the child if we ever get one lol
It’s a hard one and very personal xxx
It really is a difficult one, we are also going the DE route and I have been back and forth about whether to tell and think I will decide if we get to that point. I am concerned that because we have been abroad the donor is anonymous so they would have no way of finding out any information and I don't know if that would make it harder for them!? It really is tough xx
I am going to ask my friend who adopted children. They told their daughters from the start which made it the most normal thing in the world. So I think I may do similar. Remember that to them they know no different so just make it as normal as possible.
Xxx
I am a big believer in honesty from a young age being the best policy- if they always know then it can never be a big shock. But I’m not a donor parent myself. I do have two friends who had children with donor sperm though and they have told me they think this is best too. The donor conception network used to have a book list which could help, not sure if they do now.
This book is really useful, it covers eggs and sperm donation (although it is American so some parts aren’t relevant)
google.co.uk/search?q=havin...
Also, implications counselling helps you consider, as it suggests, the implications for everyone, including the child.
Hard decisions for those of us who are going down the donor route but remember, you are not the first, people will have struggled with the questions before. Donor conception network website has lots of information on... dcnetwork.org
My big question is whether we would be open to other people. At first I thought we would but then I read that this is really the child’s information to decide whether to share or not. Difficult decisions.
And...we have to get there first, so all decisions are hypothetical at the moment! Best of luck xxx
I can identify with what you’re saying about it being the child’s information to share with whom they wish to. I believe in that too. We thought we’d limit the other adults we’d tell on a need to know basis to respect our future child’s right to privacy. Although all hypothetical for us too of course xx
I am 21 weeks pregnant using a donor egg. We said right from the start we’d tell our child when they were old enough to understand. Our donor is from Greece so is anonymous. We feel like if our child has a sense at any time they are different to me it’s mum, it’s the right thing for them to know the truth. It’s a lovely story to give them though because they as an egg were always meant for us to be their parents. They weren’t given away, unloved, or mis-treated; they were produced solely for the purpose of being our child and we’d hope the abundance of love, care, affection and protection we give to them whilst being honest about their heritage, makes their donor origins a fascinating aspect to their life story and not a negative one or source of hurt for them. But if they were to feel disassociated or any negative feelings at being different that would be worse to handle, which is why we will be honest with them.
It really is a personal choice and no right or wrong answer xx
Hi Claire, the ladies above have it all covered. Just wanted to echo the point that it’s very much a personal decision. I would really recommend the DC Network who have lots of resources and friendly, knowledgable voices at the end of the phone who can talk to you about their own personal experience of having donor conceived children. We opted to have treatment in the UK as we wanted to tell our future child about how they were conceived and also give them the option to find out more about their genetic heritage should they wish to. The best advice we got from counselling / DC Network was not to rush any decisions and make sure they are ones you’re happy you can live with. Very best of luck with it all xx
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