Coping with birthday blues

[Skittles11]

Hi everyone. I'm sure I can't be the only one who finds the thought of an upcoming birthday a source of anxiety rather than something to look forward to. I have a birthday at the end of the week and it is another reminder that I am not where I want to be, I had hoped to be well on my way and pregnant on my birthday 2 years ago which obviously never happened. Other people ask me what I'm doing to celebrate and I just don't feel in the "right" place to mark it as something to celebrate. Do any of you feel the same? How do you cope with your birthdays, any tips to make it less depressing? Xx

[XOXO13]

Hi lovely, I hear you. I miscarried a week after my 30th last year, and it totally tainted my birthday. This year, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all - I also experienced my second failed transfer just before this years birthday as well, so I wasn’t in a celebratory space. I told my family I didn’t really want to acknowledge it either… I’ve felt like my life has been on standstill since my first miscarriage so it’s hard to acknowledge new birthdays, especially ones that mark milestones or anniversary’s and you’re no further ahead.

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up to presents in heart wrapping paper (not birthday paper) and a balloon from my husband that read “happy annual presents day” - and he made a point of saying you don’t need to say it’s your birthday, but let’s celebrate a day with presents instead which was cute. My family made sure not to fuss like they usually do as did my friends - and everyone followed the theme of “presents day” instead of saying birthday. Sounds weird but it was actually quite sweet.

We ended up having a lovely day, with good food and a special bottle of wine at home together 💗

I’m grateful my husband didn’t allow it to pass without any type of acknowledgement despite me originally wanting it to.

Maybe don’t think of it as a birthday, but acknowledge the day as a day to do something with your loved one/s. You don’t need traditional birthday stuff, maybe just eat your favourite food and have some nice wine, take yourself to your favourite place, treat yourself to something?

I know they’re hard to celebrate when your head and heart isn’t in it, and that’s okay. But also remember that you deserve a day and many more to love yourself a little more and spoil yourself - especially given how tough all of this is 💗💗 xx

[Skittles11 in reply to XOXO13]

Thank you for your supportive and understanding reply and for sharing things that you did. That's exactly it, my head and heart just isn't in it but I love your idea of reframing it. I initially didn't want the day to be acknowledged but like yourself I think in retrospect I will probably be pleased to have done something. Something very low key I think is the answer xx

[Hidden]

I don't think there really is a way of coping. It kind of is what it is and you either have to bury your head in the sand or just try and compartmentalise TTC and your age.

I don't know how old you are but I am sure I am the other end of the spectrum. I am now 44 and never feel that old and can't get my head round being that old. I still haven't managed a successful pregnancy but still hope that I will. Sometimes I have days when I just think its bonkers I am trying so 'late' and the reality is I am unlikely to have my next transfer before my 45th birthday. I could get very very depressed about it. I only ever wanted to be a Mum, just never met the right person until my late 30s and since then have had years of TTC, IVF and MCs. The thing is no matter what I think or feel about my age and the time passing, nothing is going to change it, so the reality is we just have to get on with it. My personal TTC journey has had so many lows and down days I try and use birthdays as a day of celebration - not of getting older but just because its one day thats supposed to be a happy day and I don't need any excuses to try and be happy these days as most days are very blue. Treat yourself, celebrate the positives in your life, and positive mental attitude - I am sure your baby is just round the corner and you will be kicking yourself you didn't celebrate more when you are up all night feeding! xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Daisy. Thank you for your reply and the wise words. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear that your personal TTC journey has been full of so many blues, it can be very traumatic. I really hope you get your good news soon and I will try and adopt the same attitude with using the day as a day of celebration (albeit something low key) which at the moment are few and far between xx

[Haf05]

I hear you. I second what has been said by the other ladies. Birthdays are an excuse to be spoilt - which all of us on this forum deserve!

[Skittles11 in reply to Haf05]

Thank you for your reply, yes we do deserve it don't we! xx