Fertility Network UK
14,315 members23,576 posts

Dinner with two pregnant ladies

My boyfriend has a close group of friends who usually celebrate their birthdays together. Two of the couples are pregnant, both due within the next month. Today they asked us out for dinner to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday (which was last week). I've managed to avoid them throughout their pregnancies but don't really feel I can dodge this one. Any advice on getting through the evening? They know we've had one miscarriage and one round of ivf that was unsuccessful but have never spoken to me about either.

23 Replies
oldestnewest

I think I'd make my excuses - other plans for the next few weeks and by then they'll have had the babies and have other things on their minds. Xx

2 likes
Reply

I suspect they will feel quite awkward if they know about your difficulties. If they were expecting when you had your miscarriage and unsuccessful cycle, then they probably didn't know how to engage with you about it as they wouldn't want to upset you. I would hazard a guess that they'll try to steer the chatter away from pregnancies. We had to go out for dinner with people a while ago and before we went I insisted my DH sat next to me to give me some physical space and also so he could intervene in the conversation if necessary. I hope it goes ok for you. It's pretty hard but try to enjoy it and hopefully they'll be understanding. xxx

3 likes
Reply

if there's one thing this shitty, lonely infertility journey has taught me it's self preservation - don't feel bad about putting yourself first.

if it's going to be difficult for you, then no way - be kind to yourself.

7 likes
Reply

Completely agree, put yourself first during this difficult time!

3 likes
Reply

My advice is just go with the flow and if you feel like answering any questions they have then answer away. I feel that unless we educate people they never understand what we're going through and they won't understand if not told. They may not ask anything to try and avoid what they feel may be an awkward situation but people tend to be a little nosey as well as curious! Hope the night goes ok xx

3 likes
Reply

Thank you - good advice xx

1 like
Reply

Thanks everyone - I agree about self preservation and hearing you all say it makes me feel better about choices I've made to not meet up with other friends. But I'm worried we are isolating ourselves from our social lives - most weekends it's just me and my boyfriend. Plus, because it's his birthday celebration I want to give him a chance to enjoy it. I'll definitely make him sit next to me though Mrs_C - good tip. We had our miscarriage about a year before they both got pregnant - I think they just didn't know what to say. Xxx

3 likes
Reply

Would you be able to invite another couple who aren't expecting to break things up a bit? Back in November we had to go out on a friend's birthday meal with four other couples, three of whom were expecting. I got very drunk with the boys & the other girl who wasn't expecting, there were bits of the night that I found difficult, however it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I'm afraid that I have no advice but you are definitely not alone xxxxxxxxx

2 likes
Reply

Thanks Star, just to know I'm not alone in feeling like this is a relief. There was another couple invited but the girl can't make it so the boy is coming on his own - I wonder if she finds it a bit much too. Xxx

Reply

In all honestly I'm done with doing things I find difficult, that I know will upset me, to please other people. I wouldn't go. If you want to go I think that proves you are strong enough to go and deal with it. I can imagine you're just a big an expert as me with putting on a smile x

3 likes
Reply

Thank you Katy - it's hard to put a smile on, I don't think I'm great at it. Knowing there are people who understand how hard it is makes it easier, thank you xxx

Reply

As others have said I've recently stopped doing things to people please if I feel emotionally it's going to put unnecessary pressure on me. I think if the other ladies are understanding and won't just go on about their pregnancies etc then it could be a nice chance to celebrate your boyfriends birthday. If your boyfriend sits next to you he could help deal with any difficult conversations if they do arise. Your definitely not alone in how your feeling xx

2 likes
Reply

If your boyfriend feels up to it - could he have a quiet word before hand? I.e. just reminding them it may be difficult or do you think that would be too invasive / awkward? Have an exit strategy sweetie, I know I couldn't rely on my emotions when on this journey and I like to think of myself as fairly placid xx good luck and keep being as good to yourself as you can ... you are being amazing by just going through this xx

1 like
Reply

Thanks everyone - I'm just back now. It was pretty awful but not as bad as I thought, the pregnant ladies were very sensitive and didn't go on about it at all (although I felt obliged to ask the standard questions). I kept repeating to myself 'you're stronger than you think you are' and it seemed to get me through. It was good for my boyfriend to see his friends and I feel proud of myself for going. All your comments helped so much and I felt really supported on here so thank you. XxxxX

7 likes
Reply

wow - congratulations for going, you are a strong woman & a loyal partner too - i'm sure your boyfriend appreciated you supporting him.

have a lovely chilled day today doing things you enjoy.

you're my new warrior hero! 💪🏻

2 likes
Reply

Ahhh, thank you noodles! Xxxx

Reply

Well done for going through with it i think it's a constant battle between wanting to cancel to protect yourself and wanting to go so you don't isolated yourself. Glad to hear the pregnant ladies were sensitive to your situation xxx

1 like
Reply

Make the plans then call it off last min with like Norovirus or something don't put yourself through that! Or just as the lads to all go out and leave him to it!

1 like
Reply

Well done 7ava! You really are that strong person you tell yourself you are and I bet your OH is so proud of you! Xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you Freda, not always this strong but yes, OH is proud of me today! Xx

1 like
Reply

Well done for getting through it. That is really impressive and you are clearly a strong lady. It's a huge step to take and impressive.

I agreed with all the comments too. Sometimes you can feel strong enough but sometimes you also deserve to protect yourself. It's often about judging who and how nice or competitive your friends are. Sad, but true.. as I have learned.

Before I decided on IVF, my so called best friends were surprisingly insensitive on a few occasions - they knew I was considering IVF with a v low success outcome. One saved her pregnancy announcement for the day we were all sat at a restaurant table, when I just told them I was due a 3rd endo surgery with potential ovary removal. The announcement came 10 mins later and was followed by a comment direct to me, saying, 'I got pregnant after the 2nd month of trying, i don't think I could have coped with the disappointment of failed pregnancy tests'.... AFTER 2 months of trying. Insane insensitive comment given she knew I had been trying for years. I was also harassed with questions about surrogacy, adoption, the list goes on. It was appalling but I got thru it with a smile but suffered afterwards, for months. I felt so angry about the insensitivity of my so called best friends.

The reason I tell you this story - is that, in comparison to my 'old' (no longer sadly) few friends, these ladies sound really respectful. Try not to think about the evening too much tomorrow.

I remember ruminating on that dreadful lunch for months. I had bad vibes before I went and my gut was right, I should have avoided it. It sounds like your gut was right about these women too.

All you want from others is sensitivity, empathy, and not to shove their pregnancy down your throat. Your friends sound so much more sensitive. I think they probably haven't raised the issue of your mc and IVF (so sorry) until they feel you want to raise it. I think that's decent. I felt railroaded by my friends quizzing me about my difficulties when Id always been fairly open with them - yet, I shared on my terms - but they interrogated me on things I hadn't even considered. Them suggesting surrogacy and adoption to me just proved they held no hope for me - which was cruel and turned out wrong...

I always remember telling myself - I want my own baby - not theirs. That is something I always told myself before IVF - when everyone was having children all around me. I didn't want their babies, I wanted mine - that helped me put my feelings of 'why you, not me' into context and made me feel better. Each pregnancy announcement became more tolerable because they were having their babies, not mine.

I got my BFP after years of pain and surgeries, and against all the odds at 40. I have every hope and faith that this WILL happen for you. BELIEVE it. Picture yourself. I know that sounds odd, but don't give up the hope. It's just I know a few ladies who did get their babies after some mc's and IVF failures but they stuck and got their babies. I know this is easy for me to say this now, but I just have faith for others on here.

Sorry for rambling on and I know my answer came too late.. but I just wanted you to know that how you feel is completely normal. Follow the gut instinct, avoid some people but maybe see some others. I was in that boat for years, and haven't forgotten it despite being a parent now. I just wanted you to know that you should not feel bad for how you feel. I used to feel guilty that I wasn't coping but I realise it was totally normal. Be kind to yourself but try to get out and see some people a bit - seeing friends can lift the burden. But choose friends carefully. My old best friends let me down greatly, but I reflect now that it was old fashioned envy...and my infertility seemed to be something they seemed to enjoy - oddly.

Have a lovely day tomorrow, go out and treat yourself to something, a nice lunch or walk or a nice little something. You so earned it. xxxxxx

2 likes
Reply

Wow Iloveeggs, thank you so so much for your lovely message. So many things you said chimed true for me, about judging how nice or competitive friends are. How awful for you to have had to cope with that meal and insensitive questions of surrogacy and adoption. I too have had my fair share of those.

It is such great advice to go for gut instinct on who to see and who not to. I had never thought of it like that but I will now and I think it will help me to stop feeling guilty about not wanting to see certain friends.

Good advice too about not ruminating on the evening today and doing something nice (I'm going out for a bike ride and my mum is coming over for lunch!). Myself and my OH often find that we hold it together when we see people and then the emotional fallout happens afterwards.

I am so delighted and happy to hear you got your BFP after all the difficulty and heartache. Particularly, that you were 40 as that gives me hope and I will try my best to start believing - it's so hard because we want to protect ourselves. But you are right - positive thinking!

Thank you again so much for your comments. Your empathy has meant so much to me that I cried while reading your message - that someone I don't know has taken the thought and time to respond in such a caring way - thank you. You've really helped me to understand my feelings and my response to friendships. Thank you. XxxxX

1 like
Reply

You are very welcome. I became well practised as we were ttc for so many years, and I honestly felt I had no hope through a lot of that, my endo was so bad and made me so ill. I am seriously proud of you going out with those couples, and they sound sweet. Take heart that maybe these people will be the friends you need, when you are ready to share more.

One of my friends who I saw yesterday had a child when I was ttc, but I told her absolutely everything and even when I was doing IVF. She was completely understanding and real, and so so gentle and lovely with me.

I'm still not really over how I lost some of my oldest, best friends but I have made better friends now, and you will too.

Feel free to email me for any ivf type advice. I am in a puzzle about when I try IVF for a sibling, I know that pales into insignificance for those ttc to become a parent for the first time - that, as I say, I will NEVER ever forget - i wish I could, its almost like I had a bit of PTSD actually. But i have sibling guilt and have only realised how real that is too.

Here for you any time.

Enjoy you bike ride, and seeing mum is the best thing ever. Have a lovely day.. avoid that emotional fallout - it's so damaging but I remember it well. It sounds like you coped extremely well. xxx

1 like
Reply

You may also like...