Im looking for advice on whether to, how to, and when to, tell your employer that you are having IVF.
We are due to start in the coming months and i'm really worried about talking to my employer about it because they are not the kindest, and I have only worked for them for 1 year.
My understanding is that once i've had embryo transfer i'm covered by various legal rights, as i'm considered pregnant, but i fear they will just make me redundant if i tell them i'm trying to get pregnant.
I am also worried about the added stress that my job puts on me and don't want that to affect our chances.
My GP has been amazing and has said she'll sign me off whenever/ if ever/ I need her to to help get through this.
Help. It just feels like added pressure.
x
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Firefliesintuscany
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This is always a tough one but your IVF journey is so important to you and so I’d always put that first. I told my line manager because I have a good relationship with her and it made it easier for me to be out for appointments etc. My work didn’t suffer. With my third transfer, I’m taking a month off work as guided and advised by HR because I was beginning to feel really anxious about managing an increasing work load whilst going through a third transfer. I approached them and said I needed their advice on how to best manage it but also mentioned I had the support of my GP who had offered to sign me off sick if I needed it.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to work, then your GP could write you a sick note and not disclose the reason for you being absent or needing time off. A second option if you feel comfortable doing so would be to talk to your HR because I don’t believe they can tell your line manager for the reason for you being off, but they can support your time off.
Just for FYI incase it helps;
For my fresh transfer, I took medical days for embryo transfer and the day after. I then took 8 days annual leave. When it failed, I actually ended up being poorly and couldn’t work anyway so was off for a week on sick. For my second transfer, I took the same medical days followed by three days annual leave so I could spend the first few days after transfer relaxing. I then went back to work for the second week and then booked three days annual leave for testing and to let results sink in. I ended up being more poorly this time and took a further two days sick leave (so a week in total).
Whilst I don’t believe stress negatively impacts the outcome as much as we think, I do think that it’s important for ourselves to do whatever it is we need to to help us relax and reduce the anxiety during treatment. For me, that’s having time off so work becomes one less thing I need to worry about. For others, work is a welcome distraction.
You’re entitled to sick leave and annual leave so don’t feel guilty for needing the time off.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a detailed reply.
Yes you are right. The IVF has to take priority. Ultimately I don't think i will ever forgive myself if I feel in my heart that i'm compromising our chances.
Ive been trying to get advice from Citizens Advice as well about what money I may be entitled to if I was to either leave work or be made redundant from work just before (hopefully) falling pregnant by IVF. They seemed to think I could claim money even if I left work a few months before becoming pregnant.
I was really anxious to ask for a chunk of time off but when I told my line manager that, she told me that in years to come I’ll look back on this and I won’t be thinking about work at all because it’s not as important as this journey. I know work supports that journey financially, but you have entitlements and rights and a HR department for those reasons too.
Hopefully some other ladies have their own advice about how they managed it with work. I know I’ve been quite fortunate with my work situation. Xx
It’s such a difficult decision to make. I told my manager in the end because I was working on a service with pregnant mums and my mental health was really poor. She agreed to take me off it. She has been flexible with appointments and there’s an IVF policy which allows 5 days off per round, but only for 3 rounds. It is a lot more generous than most workplaces but I fear with my very low amh I might be doing more than three rounds.
The down side of telling is that my manager now asks me every month in supervision ‘how the ivf is going’. She doesn’t seem to understand that it can take a very long time and that the outcome isn’t guaranteed. When I returned to work during the tww of my first round she asked me ‘what have you had done then?’ and then when it failed she recorded in my supervision notes that ‘(my name) is of the understanding that ivf rarely works first time’. I feel like I’m educating her which is something I could do without!
For my next round I think I’m going to take annual leave as it feels like more pressure the more people that know. I will use the policy for every other round. I haven’t ruled out using sick leave if needed but as I’m mostly working from home at the moment it does feel a bit more manageable.
Hope that helps you weigh up some of the pros and cons. The difficulty is that once you’ve told someone you can’t take it back I guess. You’d hope they’d be understanding but people have no clue about what it entails and think that it’s a guaranteed way to have a baby.
Hope you’re able to make the right decision for you. Good luck with it 💫 Xxx
Thank you for sharing your thoughts & sorry you've had a bit of a nightmare with it all...... last time I had IVF, at my previous work, I did tell them in the end, and they were very kind, but like you I did end up having to explain every detail to them which was extremely annoying. x
Hiya, it's a very difficult one indeed. I have decided not to let work know.. I wish I could fully trust them because telling them would be so much easier especially when it comes to appointments and getting time off. I've been with my job for 12 years and I just feel like they wouldn't understand it. They would be more annoyed than supportive. Unfortunately most bosses/companies think about themselves only and money (Not all but most) , I've seen how they have treated others along the way. I'm also a very private person in general. If I do become pregnant through IVF I may tell them this as I wouldn't want extra stress etc and would want them to understand the difficulties I've had. ❤💫
I totally get where you are coming from and wanting to keep things private. In a perfect world id like to keep the fact i'm having IVF private, and the fact that i want to be a Mum so bloody much private. My main concern is that they will just presume that once i'm pregnant my priorities will change and my focus wont be on my job so they'll just make up a reason to get rid of me...... x
Hmm I think once you're pregnant and they then try and get rid of you it would be ever so difficult to do so. Even if they lied and said redundancy. They would need to prove this is the case. It wouldn't be worth the risk for them I'd say. Pregnant women have rights. And I'm sure if they make you redundant shortly after you told them this wouldn't look good on them at all xxx
Hi 👋🏻 I told my manager and they were very understanding. They have been looking out for me through this journey. They told me that this is such an important time in my life and I’ll still be doing my work when I have my kids. To make this journey my priority. It hasn’t stopped me developing in my work. I’ve had no hassle in attending appointments either and balancing work.
It all depends on your gut feeling about your manager. If I felt they weren’t understanding I’d get my GP to sign me off. You could go with that seeing how your GP is happy to do so. You’ve been in the job a year now and haven’t been off, so maybe after your consent appointment if you haven’t had it yet or when its coming up to starting your injections is the time to to get signed off. It will help you mentally and not have that extra worry of what your manager might say or the worry of a workload.
The other option is annual leave and give yourself time before you make your decision. Don’t use it all up on this because you will need it.
This can be your time to look after yourself and concentrate on your IVF. There are side affects with the injections so be kind to yourself. For the egg collection you will need off work. I will def be taking that time off. This is your time and your life so forget about any other stresses or worries 😊 It’s a tough journey but it will all be worth it in the end.
There’s a webinar about juggling work and fertility struggles I’m attending at 6.30pm via zoom with the Fertility Network. I will send you a message about the details if you want to contact them to register for a place if they have space left 😊
It’s very personal. I didn’t tell work because I didn’t want anyone to know - if I needed time off I just said I had a medical appointment or a ‘minor outpatient procedure’ and needed a day or two off. At one point I took a couple of days off sick I think. If I needed a whole week off I took annual leave....
I eventually did tell a manager I was quite close to, just before leaving to another job - as it turned out she already guessed that that is what was happening but was good enough not to ask!
When moving to a new job I wanted to be able to hold on to the ‘oh look I’m pregnant, who could have guessed’ narrative, as I was there for less than a year when getting pregnant and wasn’t sure how supportive they’d be if the knew it was so carefully planned - not that it’s any of their business - they were very supportive with the pregnancy and any medical appts....
My advice is don't tell them. If you take time off, just tell them it's for a medical procedure. Get a note for a week after the transfer if you're concerned about the stress then. But also don't believe a lot of the hype about how much stress affects your chances or not. There are not good studies on this, and it's literally impossible not to stress about it. All the people telling me not to stress were FAR more stressful than if I'd just gone about my business. My successful cycle was the one where (after the first three days post 5 day transfer) I just pretended nothing was happening and basically worked 'round the clock to distract myself.
I told my work even though I’d only been with them a few months because I was going to need to work at home due to COVID and it’s not a job I can just take time off from without a lot of notice. My boss has been really supportive and I don’t think I could have managed to do it without them knowing. I think it really all depends on your job, hours, setup, and the company/boss. Xx
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