Friendship - an odd one

[lizzybee81]

So here's a dilemma that I don't think anyone else can understand.

I have an old uni friendship with a group of 3 girls. All are Mum's & in happy marriages as far as I know. In our private Whatsapp group of the 4 of us I've shared my news & asked for it not to be put on social media as with losing an embryo in this pregnancy we don't want to put anything on social media until there's a safe and healthy birth.

I was honest that though we were extremely lucky that I'd fallen pregnant on our first cycle, the IVF process had been hard for us emotionally and & the loss of the embryo had really hit me especially after having seen the heartbeat at 7 weeks. They'd known that we'd been trying for 2 years, prior to me sharing this news.

2 of the girls came back just thrilled as I hoped, I had no response from the third for over a week. So I sent a jokey message asking if she'd fallen down a well. My relationship with her has been fraught in the past & my behaviour has been less than perfect but I have apologised & thought we'd put it all behind us. She has 2 natural born children of primary school age & I knew she'd had an MC but I had no idea they were trying for more.

Anyway she came back to me privately saying that I'd been insensitive & am in a position where I can just "throw money at problems" & don't have any idea what they've been through. I was a bit taken aback. While it's true that financially we're better off than they are and I have solved other medical issues with private treatment it was always out of complete medical necessity. I had a private gastric bypass to help me lose 15 stone which I saw as saving my life as I was pushing 27 stone and had very little quality of life. I haven't had any plastic surgery for example even though have terrible excess skin on my stomach and thighs. I also can't apologise for paying for IVF treatment for this much wanted pregnancy.

I haven't replied as I'm angry and my initial reply was going to be if you can't afford IVF can you afford a third child which I appreciate is less than helpful. I can understand a mothers want to have more babies but when you have 2 beautiful healthy children to begrudge me this pregnancy feels very harsh. I just wanted to sense check with you ladies to see if you'd had this experience and what your advice would be to tackle it.

[Ivfgotadream]

It’s a tough one but from the sounds of it she isn’t over the previous fall out you had and perhaps the “jokey” fell down a well message didn’t help? Pregnancy seems to bring out the strongest and seemingly irrational feeling of jealousy and envy in people?

My sibling has 2 children - experienced no fertility issues or losses whereas as I lost 6 babies, nearly died twice from ectopics and underwent 5 rounds of IVF. My sibling hasnt really acknowledged my twin pregnancy as I’ll suddenly have more children than them? I’ve left them to it?

We all have dreams about what our perfect family will look like - be it one child or 2 or 3 and obviously your friend is struggling with the idea that she can’t realise her dream and can’t afford to either?

Do you know what she’s been through? Maybe her journey has been pretty rough too and there is more you don’t know?

I had 5 rounds of IVF due to secondary infertility and admit to feeling a bit jealous of those that got their BFP in one round but some people might consider me “lucky” to be experiencing secondary infertility rather than primary infertility but once you start down the competitive grief/competitive infertility road it’s a slippery slope?

I don’t think she begrudges you your pregnancy necessarily she’s probably just a bit envious that whilst you have been fortunate financially to be able to “fix” your problem she can’t afford to financially “fix” hers?

[Anipea]

I think maybe ask her if she didn't mind to tell you what she been through so you can get the full picture from her. I think you mentioning losing an embryo and safe and healthy birth might have been the trigger for upsetting her and reminding her of her miscarriage. Even though she has two children and you are excited to have your first, as you know a loss is still a loss and hurts xx

[Cinderella5]

Uurgghhhh sometimes messaging can bring out the worst in us! Im not surprised that you are fuming, I would be too! I guess you can go 3 ways....tell her you are sorry but you have no idea why she is so upset and ask if she wants to talk about it or not to share anymore updates, or do exactly as you said, say that you didn't think she would grudge you happiness and its been a very difficult time and you thought she would understand having suffered a loss too, or just leave it altogether! I had a bit of a strange one with one of my friends when she fell pregnant, very insensitive and I only really tolerate her now.....I don't need that negativity in my life! I guess its up to you how you handle it but definitely let yourself cool down a bit before doing anything rash!! Try not to worry too much about it, you don't need it and its your time now.xx

[bobbles1]

Baffling that your friend resents your first pregnancy and can't give you the room to celebrate that or be sad about the loss of your twin. Particularly since she seems to have suffered a loss too. It should make her relate to you, not judge you.

And the fact she has 2 naturally conceived children. She sounds a bit angry and very jealous of your financial situation and she can't see beyond that. Her comment about throwing money at problems indicates this and whether you are pregnant or not, is clearly irrelevant to her.

Awful of her to say that and to put u under stress in your first pregnancy. If it were me, I wouldn't reply. She doesn't deserve a reply.

You have been thru a lot too and if she didn't share her situation, how could you know what they are going thru. And also, she really needs to learn to accept and appreciate what she has. I wanted two children, in fact three. But I am just so glad I have one against the odds thru IVF.

Doesn't stop me wanting a sibling but Id never ever begrudge anyone elses pregnancy especially if an IVF pregnancy.

Protect yourself and don't get into a discussion with this person.

She has admitted that your finances are more important to her than your pregnancy. Congratulations from me. And ps, I also lost a twin at 6ish weeks and as much as I didn't think about it at the time, it has been on my mind since. So I do relate to how you are feeling and feel sad for you that your old friend can't. Focus on the nice girls that are happy for you and put her aside in your mind. It's not worth the upset. xx

[Goldie24]

I haven’t really experienced anything similar from a pregnancy perspective but I can relate with a situation I had with a close friend when I got engaged. She had had several relationships while I had been single for a long time and then I started seeing my now husband. We were together for 3 years before getting engaged and she is one of the first people I messaged to tell. She replied saying she had broken up with her boyfriend that night and obviously I was mortified that the two things had coincided and replied with a very supportive message. Anyway she barely spoke to me after that and refused to come to my hen party or wedding 18 months later despite the fact she was in another relationship by then. She told me that it was too hard for her to see me happy and that she understood that sounded bad but it was the truth. I took a step back and looked at the whole situation and decided I don’t need that kind of person in my life... jealousy is a normal human reaction (god knows I’ve felt it a million times during my ivf journey), but it’s a choice what you do with that jealousy. Please don’t let her pee on your bonfire, From what you’ve said, this says far more about her and her issues than it does about you. Just keep the moral high ground and focus on your friends that are supportive X