I don’t know if this is the right place but I need talk to people who don’t know me personally.
As some of you know I’ve been ttc for a while I had a tfmr last year then a missed miscarriage end of August. In February my sil came with her bf to tell us she’s pregnant and it broke me as they didn’t even have to try. So the whole of her pregnancy I’ve been so jealous that they get it all so easy, last night my husband got a text from her bf to say she’s in labour. I struggled to fight back the tears, I knew it was coming but it hit me like a tonne of bricks. This morning we heard she’d had a little girl, obviously I’m still jealous but my husband said that’s all we have say about it and went on with the day.
He’s just come in from seeing his parents and her labour wasn’t easy, over 30 hours the baby was without oxygen for some time was removed by suction as she’d got stuck and been rushed to a hospital an hour away with potential brain damage. My sil had internal bleeding and retained placenta. I feel guilty that I’d always said how easy everything was for them and it’s not fair but now this? I know I’m not to blame but I feel like it’s my fault somehow. As jealous as I was I’d never wish this on them not in a million years.
I feel so guilty that they have to go through this, it’s awful, maybe I should’ve just forced myself to be happy for them. I just don’t really know what to do my husband is beating himself up because he didn’t defend her when I was jealous and not happy for them.
Sorry for the long posts it’s all I seem to do these days.
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FandF2020
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First and most important thing is: this is not your fault in any way. It absolutely isn’t. Your jealousy didn’t make her labour complicated, it doesn’t work this way. I completely understand how and why you felt like that, it’s so normal. When you’ve been struggling to conceive and here they are - pregnant just like that! Most of people struggling with infertility feel this way (I certainly can relate!).
You’re not a bad person, you didn’t wish for any complications for them so please don’t blame yourself. If anything, it just shows that all of us face our own challenges one way or another, whether it’s babies, labour complications, relationships or work stuff. It’s hard not to compare yourself against other people and how they’re doing but all of us have our own path. You’re definitely not a bad person, stop beating yourself up. I hope your sil recovers quickly and best wishes to you xxx
Thank you. I know it’s not but it’s hard to see this situation and not feel like I should have or should be doing something although there’s nothing I could do xx
You’re not a bad person at all we all have those moments and the fact her Labour was complicated is not due to you. Be kind to yourself you’re only human. C
Your not a bad person at all and if she was in your situation she’d probably be the same way. Ttc and infertilty affects you Mentally and physically and of course you wouldn’t wish anything bad to happen on her baby. This isn’t your fault and do not feel guilty as you were going through the emotions we all do when ttc. I watched friends and family have babies whilst we were trying for 5 years and it eats at you in a way that I haven’t been able to explain to anyone not even my partner....so your feelings are totally normal and we have all been there 😘😘😘
Aww hunni. Please don't beat yourself up i lost a baby and then my sister got pregnant And gave birth Christmas day. It was 20 years ago I cried for a week i held that baby outside in the snow and I pledged to be the best aunt ever. Love and nurture replaced my grief and emotions. She's so special to me to this day. I never got my child but it never caused resentment. I still felt the same heartbreak when over the years my friends conceived and had children but I soon loved them all. You will heal and you will find the strength to be there for them. They will understand your feelings especially now that they have a child who needs them as much as they need the child. You will be surprised how your care instincts kick in. Nature has given them this life and the individual way the child will grow and the people that support the family will help make up this little ones identity. You are human and you are the one who can fight or flight. In my own life I had 2 birth children then remarried. My husband had no children and we both yearned to have a child. It was so painful. I'm 51. I still tested through the menopause but I have been the support all the little ones needed. I went on to Foster and I have so many children from ages 32 to 4 who all call me pet names. I'm mom, auntie, nanny plumb, ancient 🙄. You have got this. You are already showing your empathy that's not guilt it's empathy. My final word is that everything you have felt during this journey is totally normal and experienced by most people on this group. If you didn't care and you were not a caring person you wouldn't have had the emotional journey you have been on. Sending you huge hugs. You have got this. Talk to your husband, talk to your husbands sister when the time is right and follow life's path for yourself. You don't know where it will lead you but happiness is in your control xxxx
Yes you’re right it’s so difficult, yes I’m sure they’ll have more of an understanding of our situation now.
I e had a brief chat to my sil just checking she’s ok and she is obviously stressed and worried but as with all of us you pick yourself up and get on with it xx
Thank you, you’re right I fertility and pregnancy loss robs you of being able to live a ‘normal’ life. I feel so much sadness that they’ve had to go through this. Xx
Heyy I went through a very similar situation and can totally relate! They started trying and got pregnant after a few months and every update broke me. Sil baby was in intensive care and I felt that same feeling. Was lovely meeting him but I was just diagnosed with a host of problems and now waiting for IVF and have felt too low to even see my little nephew again. I’m trying to work through these feelings but it’s hard! So don’t worry you’re not alone xxx
You are 100% not a horrible person. You're human, and it is not your fault at all.
Also you can't force yourself to be happy just like that. You have to allow yourself to feel your feelings. My sil (hubby's younger bro's wife) got pregnant and gave birth in the midst of us having initial tests and finding out it was unlikely for us to conceive and I made myself be happy and organise baby showers and stuff when I was insanely jealous and it wasn't healthy to just pretend, I'd just come home and cry.
Cut yourself some slack, you're only human. Hope your sil gets better and the best of luck to you on your own journey xx
Thank you. They’re both doing okay thankfully, little girl is still in hospital. My parents in law were wonderful during my miscarriage and they truly started to understand why I found sil pregnancy so hard so understood I did t want to hear about it. But I have often cried to my husband x
Was it a home birth? Unfortunately, if so, the fact that the baby was born without specialist care nearby is one of the risks of home birth and your SIL would have surely known this, so don't feel guilty for the choices (and their consequences) that they made surrounding where they wanted to give birth! (assuming it was a home birth...) Please note - I am in no way saying they deserve to go through this, but just that this is in no way your fault...
I think she means the baby has been transferred to another hospital for more specialist care. Unfortunately giving birth in hospital doesn’t remove the risk of a birth injury occurring. Such an awful thing. Sending lots of positive thoughts that your little niece and sil are both ok FandF. This is in no way your fault, many of us feel the same way about others’ pregnancies which are so easily come by compared to our own difficult and traumatic journeys. I really hope you can have a lovely relationship with your niece in the future, our own struggles often rob us of more than we realise xx
It is soo scary how quickly things can go wrong in labor, even in text book-perfect pregnancies - my sister's baby had shoulder dystocia, and I had a massive postpartum hemorrhage, both of which could not have been predicted beforehand and we both had super smooth pregnancies :/
No she was in hospital throughout the labour, it was just difficult. Personally from what I understand of everything I feel the hospital should’ve done more to prevent this however I have no medical experience so I cannot say for sure.
Yeah, it seems weird that they let her labor for 30 hours without performing a c section, especially if she was pushing/in the second stage for a long time :/
Omg this is not ur fault at all, and by the way im going to defend you here especially because i was doing ivf at the same time as my friend it was our first round both of us (separately) she got it first time and i didnt i was f devastated and really not happy for her and hated myself for it at the time. We had a huge fight and stopped talking and 4 months later i found out shed had the most vilest miscarriage at 17 weeks. How awful i felt we got talking again and she told me all about it and i cried so much for her. It just goes to show that we are human and it is a natural emotion to feel jealousy we shouldbt beat ourselves up over it but also we see how there was no reason to be jealous in the first place because nobody knows what the f will happen in our futures. Lesson learned lets just try to curb our jealousy in the future and learn from it. Answer is you r not a horrible person but you need to feel good with urself in the future. Good luck hunny xxx
Thank you. Yes I agree with you jealousy is terrible and can eat away at you. After seeing pictures of her with wires coming out of her I just want to give her a cuddle. My sil might have had an easy pregnancy but going through this isn’t something anyone should have to deal with x
Thank you to all of you for your lovely comments. Honestly although I knew it’s nothing to do with the way I felt I couldn’t help feel responsible in some way.
I messaged my sil and had a chat with her last night and the baby to doing well, the docs said she’s not showing any signs of organ damage which is brilliant news. She was put on a cold blanket of sorts which lowers her temperature to prevent organ damage so fingers crossed that worked. My sil has now been discharged from hospital and can see her daughter in the nicu.
Everyone seems very hopeful and hopefully soon she’ll be able to come home.
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I feel like such a bad person and needing some reassurance after a family announcement. 
I am so so happy!!!!!!!!!!
Am I wrong to go to fet feeling this way?
Am I being crazy?
i am worried for my husband
