Moving on and making decisions after failed IVF

[RebeccaSM]

Hi, Im new to this group and am not sure this is the right platform? My IVF jouney ended a year ago and my husband and I made the decision not to adopt or foster (something I've always been interested in) Ive recently landed a promotion which I should be happy about but I feel Im ploughing on with my career to block out any feelings. This weekend Ive been overwhelmed with emotion and am struggling to cope. I see families having fun and kids back to school, friends talking about their grandchildren. Its unburied lots of emotion as I realise the decision Ive made means I'll never have this myself. How do you ever know if youve made the right decision and taken the right path? Im so worried about regretting my decision but choosing to adopt or foster (probably on my own) is also a life changing decision.

[MJD1712]

I don't know if I can offer any words of comfort. My husband and I are basically going through the motions of what will be our 5th and final round of ivf FET. The last one broke us. Its been 9 years since we first started trying and we have had enough. I am not sure we will go through the adoption route either.

I don't know if you ever know what the right decison is. But I guess you have to do what feels right in your circumstances. If you're having doubts about closing off other avenues have you thought about talking this through with your partner? Its all life changing either way isn't it? And so hard seeing people and their pictures of their kids starting the new school year. I came off Facebook a few days ago it was too much. Look after you and stay strong. Sometimes I think you need to let yourself feel whatever you're feeling....why shouldnt you? We all have good days and the not so good ones. You're definitely not alone. Talk to your partner. If you're still not sure about adoption etc....maybe think about what you would like to do....no kids means no limitations in what you could do or where you can go....im hoping I will be able to embrace it one day. Sending much love and kind wishes. X

[RebeccaSM in reply to MJD1712]

Hi, thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Social media certainly adds a pressure and I've considered coming off it myself. My partner finds it very hard to communicate his feelings, its like trying to get blood out of a stone sometimes which can be really frustrating. Hes made it clear he doesnt want to adopt or foster and its not something that Id ever try and persuade him into. I enjoy the freedom I have and the disposable income, like you say a life without limitations but its that nagging doubt that maybe I'll grow to regret not following a different path. I know I have time to make decisions later in life and should maybe try to relax again for now. It was just a shock to be so suddenly overwhelmed with feelings that the subconscious has brought back up. I wish you all the best with your next round, stay strong, Ill be keeping everything crossed for you xx

[hannahkc]

Hi Rebecca, sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but thank you for sharing as there are a lot of ladies here who can relate to this.

Have you spoken to your partner about your renewed feelings?

Ivf is tough and emotional to go through and you need time to get over it. After a year where both of you have been able to go back to your careers after that journey, now seems a good a time as any to reflect on how you both feel.

If you are both open to counselling that could be an option? X

[RebeccaSM in reply to hannahkc]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to reply. I have tried to talk to him but he's never been able to communicate his feelings, he's almost a closed book. What makes it more frustrating is that hes the only one that truly knows what we went through and should want to support but I just dont think he knows how to deal with it. We had two sessions of counselling when having treatment and ended up having marriage counselling at the start of the year. I think we both underestimated how much the treatment rollercoaster would affect our mental health and marriage. I think some more counselling would perhaps help now we're a bit further down the line. Thank you Xx

[hannahkc in reply to RebeccaSM]

No probs at all, Rebecca and I appreciate the post too, selfishly, as I'm on a similar journey to you... My Husband and I are now currently into our 4th and final embryo transfer, I am also starting to think "what next !?" if it doesn't work

I found it helpful for both of us to talk to a professional together when we were at a decision crossroads after round 3 failed. He is open to talking about our fertility issues and very supportive but it is mostly me instigating any discussion we have! It was great when we talked together with the counsellor as it wasn't me starting the conversation for once 🙄😊

As I understand a lot of guys get 'ostrich syndrome' around many big emotional things not least fertility treatment and decisions around having a family, but you may be able to persuade him to reconsider opening up.

Good luck with with whatever you choose to do going forward! X

[RebeccaSM in reply to hannahkc]

Thank you again, I think youve hit the nail on the head with the 'ostrich syndrome'. I will keep trying to encourage him open up. Wishing you all the best for this round xx

[IvfStruggler]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I'm still doing IVF but I feel that I'm slowly accepting that it is not going to happen for us. Lately I've been following lots of childless women on Twitter and I'm learning a lot from their experiences. It's a very supportive community which acknowledge how much grief comes with the journey. I don't know if this is helpful for you but if you look up Gateway women, Uber Barrens club and Jody Day then you get an impression of what is discussed. Take care xxx

[MJD1712 in reply to IvfStruggler]

Thank you so much. I've just looked up your suggestions....hadn't even crossed my mind.....im very grateful x

[RebeccaSM in reply to IvfStruggler]

Thank you for these suggestions and taking the time to reply. A friend suggested Lisa Faulkners book too but I will look these up. I wish you all the best with your treatment xx

[magda22]

Hi ,it's all so hard, your post was very moving and resonates with me. I still hope to have a child somehow- but i know im reluctant to go through more pain and difficulty in trying to get there.

I agree with someone who said counselling could be good. Its such a momentous decision and its look to unpack and look at all the emotions from all angles to help you know if it's right. I can recommend a councillor who specialises in fertility issues, shes brilliant and very knowledgeable. She does zoom and phone sessions. Pm if you want her details.

I've recently left my partner after a 6.5 year relationship, she's 8 years younger than me and doesn't want a family yet, and has very stong and different opinions to me about how and what is ok to do.

So i am currently adapting to life alone (in some ways its a gigantic relief, so much easier to know I can move forward with what i want and need). But some parts are daunting. Xxx

[RebeccaSM in reply to magda22]

Hi, that must've been a really tough decision and very brave of you to make it. I'd be the first person to say you need to prioritise your needs as you only get one opportunity but should perhaps start taking my own advice! Im new to the group but have already felt overwhelmed with support. I hope you feel able to pursue your dreams and wish you all the very best xx

[Perello]

Hello RebeccaSM

I can completely understand how you are feeling, because it feels like I'm at the same point as you having stopped treatment late last year. I started studying a part-time Masters since Jan to keep myself busy. But I've recently turned 40, my social media is full of the "back to school" photos of colleagues and friends kids, hearing kids playing in gardens over the summer (I'm working from home atm) and seeing families on days out, it has unearthed a lot of grief I have been suppressing. It made me re-consider going back to doing treatment, but just feels like my brain is in a spin with it all as I know success rates for me would be incredibly low (i didn't respond to the medication despite being on highest dose so have been looking at natural modified). And to think of putting down so much money on top of what I have spent already on very low chances just doesn't sit right with me not to mention all the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it.

Today I wanted to feel I was doing something more positive to help me get through all this so I looked at the support on the fertility network site and now follow the "more to life" on HealthUnlocked. I've ordered a book by Jody Day called Living the life Unexpected and booked a counselling session. These little things have lifted me a little.

It will be a long journey to process all the emotions but I'm hopeful things will get easier.

I hope you will find peace with whatever you decide to do. And remember you're not alone. This forum has been a great support.

Take care!

[RebeccaSM in reply to Perello]

Hi Perello , thank you for taking the time to reply. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I live next door to my sister who has 3 children and I often watch them out the window or listen to them playing. Youve been very proactive, I think sometimes regaining a little control can be comforting. Somebody else has mentioned Jody Day so I will definitely look that up. I hope you too find peace and thanks again for your support xx

[FluffyPink]

Hi Rebecca,

Just wanted to say that I also found Jody Day’s book really useful and uplifting. By the end of it, it made me so positive about not having children that I had to talk myself back into it when I met my lovely husband, who was definite he wanted to try for a family 😬 Four years on we are still trying!

The book talks all about how having babies is “fetished” in our society and how women who decide not to have children/can’t have children are made to feel stigma. It helped me not to feel so alone and to think about all the different options open to me if I remain childless.

The back to school photos were really getting to me too last week. The WhatsApp group where my friend wished “everyone” in our group good luck was particularly painful. I muted the conversation for a week after that. It just brought it home to me how those who don’t go through a difficult journey have no idea the constant grief we carry with us. I know my friend would never deliberately have hurt me, it just doesn’t occur to her that we are in a state of bereavement from all the losses that this process brings.

I would second the fertility counselling idea (jointly or individual). It’s very useful. I’m also not on any social media for the past couple of years. People just accept it when I say I don’t do social media. I get a lot more done and my mental health is better!

Regarding your husband, I haven’t read this book but it is mentioned a lot on psychotherapy podcasts. A “seminal” work apparently but very readable. Maybe one to read on your phone rather than showing it to him. Something I found useful to think about is that men are conditioned by society to show their distress in different ways to women (e.g. anger or silence rather than sadness).

goodreads.com/book/show/236...

Thinking of you. Best of luck. xx

[RebeccaSM in reply to FluffyPink]

Hi FluffyPink , lots of people have rated Jody Day's book so I'll definitely order a copy thank you. You're right about the stigma, or I certainly feel conscious of it anyway. I think Id thought Id accepted it, even looking forward to all the freedom Id have to travel etc which is why the feelings came as such a shock. I think by trying to stay so strong for so long you end up lying to yourself sometimes without even realising. Im also part of a Whatapp group where Im the only one without children. Weve all been invited to a BBQ which Im feeling anxious about, despite these being my best friends! I dont want to distance myself but also worry about how I'll cope. I feel all eyes will be on me and my interactions with the baby as my friends understand my sadness to a certain degree. Im encouraging my husband to seek support too but will look at the link youve sent. Youre definitely right, men do display depression and anxiety differently. Thank you and I wish you both the best of luck with your journey xx

[FluffyPink]

Forgot to say: Covid restrictions are making being childless so much worse just now. All that foreign travel that people without children could undertake etc. is closed off to us, never mind the everyday social activities that get us up and out of the house. I try to hold onto the thought that this is hopefully a temporary situation and that before too long the world will start to open up again. xx

[Aquarius_hope]

Hello ladies!

Thank you so so much for sharing your stories 🤗. Like many of you, I am also in a similar situation....

I’m summary - I met my partner late in life .. so we decided on just 3x ICSI cycles before I turned 45, using our own eggs & sperm. (His sperm count was low and he also had poor quality sperm too. My test results came back ok, so it’s probably just the age thing that’s working against me!).

However, no eggs fertilised on the 3rd cycle so I had no embryos to transfer. Devastation doesn’t even describe how I felt afterwards...

Since then (18 months to be exact!!) it’s been a battle with my partner to have 1x more attempt. I feel like I was cheated and didn’t manage to have a “proper” 3rd go... but my partner (who is now 52 & recently redundant & totally petrified of the Coronavirus!) is not keen at all, and doesn’t really understand (in his eyes we did 3x cycles as planned!!)

I am now 46... and I think our chances of success are about 1% (with our own bit & pieces anyway!). I am more scared this time (genetic abnormalities, Covid, being older, etc... ) but I can’t give up just yet. I do think after this “final” cycle, I will be able to call it a day, have my closure and live my life in peace... but who really knows!?!?I would also consider adopting or fostering... but like the other lady said, my partner is not interested in those options at all! Ahhhhh!

Anyway, a close family member recommended counselling... and it has definitely helped our situation. (My partner is also terrible at communicating his feelings .. I’m beginning to think that most men are!!... and we were at the point of discussing going our separate ways 😢). Don’t get me wrong... he is not jumping for joy or excited about this last cycle, but I think he understands me a bit more, so may be prepared to go through this process just one more time 🤞🏼🤞🏼

However, I will also try to follow those ladies on Twitter and look into those books that have been suggested! I need as much help as I can get as I am very aware that it’s going to be a very longggg journey ahead.

Best wishes to you all ... and I really hope that we can find our peace... whatever the outcome or decision we make!! Stay strong ladies xxxx

[RebeccaSM in reply to Aquarius_hope]

Hi Aquarius_hope , I can sympathise with you as I also had two rounds with total failure to fertilise. It happened on our first round and the emotion was overwhelming, I really wasnt prepared for it. I wonder whether your partner is not keen on another round because of not only his own upset but the pressure he can see its putting on you? It certainly puts a strain on your relationship. We try and plan nice days out and treats for ourselves to help us relax. I wish you all the best with your treatment and your future journey xx

[Aquarius_hope in reply to RebeccaSM]

Aww, thank you for your lovely message Rebecca, and for your comments about my partners feelings. I hadn’t thought about it in that way! I will try to be more understanding & considerate going forward! Also, I appreciate your advice about planning nice things to look forward to. Our lives are so consumed with this journey, it’s so easy to forget about the simple things which can make a big difference. Thank you for reminding me xxx and good luck with your next steps too xxx

[elinamonkey]

I know how you feel. I have never even had the chance to finish a IVF cycle that bad responder I was. Then I said to myself I will fight with all means and we chose egg donation with my husband. Is this an option for you ? You can have a very good success rate and believe me love shows no difference when you will hold your baby.

[Aquarius_hope in reply to elinamonkey]

Bless you! Thank you for thinking of us Elina. We have discussed both egg & sperm donation .. but decided they are not options for us. I would definitely look at adopting or fostering though ... however as I mentioned before, my partner isn’t keen...! 🙈 xx

[RebeccaSM in reply to elinamonkey]

Hi, sorry for the slow reply. We did consider using donors but at the time agreed if it wouldnt be our egg and sperm then we'd rather consider adoption. I totally agree that I could love a baby regardless of the genes but I think once my husband had time to rethink our situation he decided adoption wasnt something he could do. Thank you for your support and I wish you all the best with your journey xx

[Tiddly1984]

Hi Rebecca, I underwent ivf last year and gave birth to my daughter in April. However had IVF not worked I would have definitely pursued adoption and likely still will. I realise you’re feeling conflicted and I suppose the difficulty is that sometimes you don’t know you’ve made a mistake until you make a decision one way or another. Usually you realise along the way if you keep revisiting your decision and if you persist in feeling unsettled which you seem to be. I have a friend who adopted and she always says that she couldn’t have imagined her and her child not meeting. She mentions the way her child looks at her and says that in the beginning all children need in a human is love and that’s where it all starts. Maybe sometimes we meet our children in ways that aren’t conventional, but perhaps being denied one thing in life is how we find another which also fits. As for me, I look at my daughter and sometimes I just sit and think of the many other children without loving homes and a piece of me cries because all babies are the same, my daughter just happened to come from me. It’s natural to want your own child, but I strongly believe that sometimes what you think is the biggest factor really isn’t. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do and hope you give birth to a child if that’s what your heart wants or that you meet your child in this life if that’s what you so choose. On another note, I agree that counselling sounds like it would be helpful and perhaps your husband will understand more of how you feel in revisiting your options but definitely think about what relationship you value most in life, be it having a child or having a loving husband, that’s if you have decide one way or another, as sometimes knowing what you want most in life can help bring about peace...x

[RebeccaSM in reply to Tiddly1984]

Thanks Tiddly1984 , everything you've said makes sense. I think the need Ive felt to have a child that is biologically mine is perhaps linked as much to feeling inadequate and guilty for my husband as it is to wanting a child that I have given birth to. My best friend has adopted two beautiful children and its definitely a path Ive been open to Xx

[Tiddly1984 in reply to RebeccaSM]

That is totally understandable and definitely natural. Hopefully you find peace and happiness in your next chapter whatever you decide to do. I’m also glad you know someone close who has experience in adopting. It’ll definitely provide you with a more realistic notion of what it means to adopt...x

[Prayingforafamily]

Thanks so much for posting this. We are slowly accepting that we may have to accept life as a family of 2 and I have been feeling really overwhelmed by it all. My sister was also unable to have children and the guilt that my parents will never have grandchildren is sometimes unbearable. I have been looking for ppl going through the same situation and how they are coming to terms with it so the recommendations and advice on this thread has been so helpful x

[RebeccaSM in reply to Prayingforafamily]

Hi Prayingforafamily , its tough isnt it? I dont think its something you ever consider might happen, or not happen to you. I understand your feelings of guilt as I feel the same for my husband. You probably need to give yourself a break and try to be kind to yourself. Im sure your parents would choose your happiness first? Xx

[CharlieW1985]

Hi,

I'm in a similar situation to yourself. We have got one cycle left in our access package and have none frozen, so this cycle is it.

When we bought the package, we decided to leave the ivf if it hadn't been successful after the last attempt. Now we are almost at that point, I'm now thinking we could use the refund from the package, if it fails to have 'one last go' but hubby is very uncertain on this as what we agreed has changed for me. I just don't feel I've put my all into it yet, that's the problem. Surrogacy and egg donation aren't in our plans due to finances, so hubby brought up adoption if all this fails. I'm quite unsure on adoption as I already have 2 step children and am worried about possibly bringing up a child through adoption and then the relationship breaks down later in life.

We had some infertility counselling last night, she said that we should wait for our follow up from our last failed cycle before making plans. So not much came out of it to be honest. I think we'll book another session when we know more after our follow up.

I'm just so afraid at the moment that this is it for us and maybe it isn't meant to be.

Counsellor said to take the next cycle as it comes and make decisions after if you need to.

So I'm just taking one day at a time

Xxx

[RebeccaSM in reply to CharlieW1985]

Hi, I think the counsellour is right, you need to take one step at a time before you start thinking of the next step. We planned to have three rounds of treatment but after those were unsuccessful we had a fourth. We were told about a new treatment and that we were perfect candidates to trial it due to our very low fertilisation rates. We paid for a another package which would cover rounds 4 and 5. The fourth round was unsuccessful again and we were hertbroken again. We didnt know whether to go through with the fifth round but part of us was thinking that as weve paid for it we might as well. In the end the clinic made the decision not to go ahead as they said it would be unethical as they'd tried everything with little response. So we got a refund on the last round and that was that. I was so stuck in the cycle that I must be doing something I booked straight into an adoption information event. We were told we'd need to wait 6 months before we could apply. At the time I can remember feeling totally frustrated as it felt like such a long time. I started volunteering (requirement for the process) with a local Rainbows group but had to keep questioning why my husband hadnt made the effort to do anything himself. He later told me that he didnt want to adopt. We'd needed that time for everything to sink in, Id been caught in a loop and trying to control what I could to make me feel better about what I couldnt. If I can give any advice at all it'd be to be kind to yourself and try not to think too far ahead. Dont put pressure on yourself to make decisions now xx

[CharlieW1985 in reply to RebeccaSM]

Thank you very much for your advice... Yes, definitely decided to just take last cycle as it comes. It will most likely be beginning of next year as we have to save. Hubby has suggested a huge holiday if all fails, but we'll see what happens first xx

[RebeccaSM in reply to CharlieW1985]

We did Cape Verde, it was just what we needed at the time. Ill be keeping everything crossed for you, all the best xx

[CharlieW1985 in reply to RebeccaSM]

Thank you, hope whatever you decide with the adoption route that it works out for you xx