My husband and I have decided that we are done with IVF, we can't do it anymore. The emotional pain is way harder than the physical pain. My doctor has told me I need another operation to remove yet more cysts and fibroids before our 3rd and final IVF cycle. I have just refused and said I can't do it anymore. Our last chance could tip us over the edge if it fails again and I just feel I need my life back and we need our marriage back. It's hard to accept that it's over, but it is for the best.
For the first time in year we have planned holidays and trips for next year without thinking, we can't do that because what if we have a hospital appointment ect. I am starting to feel excited about life again and that is something I haven't done in a while. It's a slow journey, one I am scared I will regret in the future when it is definitely to late, but I feel right now this is the best thing for us moving forward.
I feel this site is a great place for people going through similar experiences can support one an other and feel we can talk about things in a safe place without being judged or asked "why don't you just adopt" (that really bugs me!)
Thank you for your advise and support
Leah xx
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Lalab1
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I’ve just had another miscarriage. I have been through so much over the last 3 years and really feel like life is just plodding and I’m not getting anywhere. I have one more cycle paid for and after that I’ve decided I’ll stop as I need to start living a life again. It’s a tough decision, when to stop. All the what ifs 😩
It's such a hard decision to make, but we have to take the risk to stop because I feel you can just burn out completely. The losses are just to much to bare sometimes. Look after yourself and enjoy life in everyway as you deserve to xxx
Bless you darling, you absolutely have to do what is best for you and your husband. It’s such a tough journey but you are so brave and sometimes making a decision can make you feel powerful - taking control in a way. I think it’s great that you have planned some lovely things in for the two of you.
Thank you!, I do feel like I have more control and I am getting my confidence back as that completely disappeared during my fertility journey. I am really looking forward to sun, beaches, cocktails and books!. xxx
Just reading thru this post and replies and I Love what you said about taking control back- that really resonated with me as you do feel so out of control... and I can’t seem to get off the merry go round of trying and scared to stop. So that’s a good way of looking at it! Thanks xx
Leah I think you and your husband have been really courageous in reaching this decision. I feel like my husband and I are also coming to the same juncture in our lives. I really identify with what you say about wanting your life and your marriage back. Fertility treatment has completely dominated our married life and every thing else has been put on hold to save for or schedule IVF. It must be quite empowering in a way to say “no more”.
I wish you and your husband all the very best going forward xxx
Thank you I won't lie , it was a difficult decision to make, but I do feel like a weight has been lifted since We were just very honest with each other. I wish all the best for you and your husband too. xx
Im sure it hasn’t been easy for you. It’s probably the most difficult but bravest decision you’ll ever make. My husband and I have had a couple of honest conversations in the past few months too. It is a very painful place to be but at the same time I almost look forward to not having to carry this millstone around any longer xx
It is just the hardest journey and one where you have to put the IVF before everything. Holidays, etc and everything else that you plan ahead had to be done around potential treatment and it’s so tough. Myself and my husband have struggled with that. Sounds like you have made the right decision for you both.
Looking forward to things that make you happy and spending more loving time together sounds like just what you need. 😘
Definitely what we need, I can't wait to just enjoy a holiday without panicking that I shouldn't eat certain things or drink certain things like coffee in case of IVF! xx
I think it’s very important to remember to not to miss our own life in the frenzy of fertility treatment. We have decided to give it another year and then draw a line if things don’t work. I want to move house, explore the world and stop putting things on hold. I’m trying to be curious about what the future holds regardless if we have a baby or not. Wishing you all the best xx
Oh I’m so glad to read both Leah’s post and your reply kari55.
I wa starting to feel like I’m the only one who wants a baby and also desperately wants my life back too!
We have had to take time out (almost a year!) between cycles for various reasons and I was determined to make the most of it with a very lengthy (and ridiculously expensive 😏) luxury holiday exploring all the places I’d dreamed of going these past few years. It was brilliant but short lived but I felt like I had ticked off some of my bucket list and was ready to go again.
I think you are very brave to say no more Leah. I think I might be foolish to do so in my current state but can’t help feeling it all the same. Hubby wants me to continue... I’m the one asking him why can’t we adopt?! 😅
Maybe this is just the mental and physical break you need before you could think about starting again later if possible.
But I am happy that you have both come to the same conclusion- it is hard when one wants it and the other doesn’t.
Hi there, it is a very tough decision to make, but I agree, there comes a point where you’ve gotta draw a line.
I wish you and your husband all the best... at the end of the day, life is for living (and drinking fab cocktails 🍹😁) 💕 xx
I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for women like you in this position as it takes a huge amount of strength and courage to make this decision. I wish you and your husband all the best X
Hi Leah, I have huge respect for you for making that decisions. You are right. IVF does eat our lives away. There are many what if's which are absolutely out of our control. I wish you a great life ahead and enjoy the alcohol!!!
Thats very brave of you to make your decision. Im in my 3rd and last cycle now in 2ww and if it fails thats it for us. I have agreed with my partner we wont do it again. As well as the emotional and physical side of things its put huge pressure on our finances as we funded all 3 cycles ourselves. My ISA is now NIL! I have just done a 7 hour overtime shift today and doing another 7 hrs tomorrow so i will basically working 12 full days without a day off to bump up my finances. Ive also told my entire family that this year i wont be buying any Xmas presents and I've told them not to buy us anything either. I wish you the very best for the future and enjoy travelling and chilling out! Life can be rewarding in many different ways and I'm sure you will make the best of it Xxx
Funding 3 cycles is alot of pressure like you said but please take some time out in this 2WW for yourself. All the very best. 🙏🤞 it will be the outcome you have longed for. It will be worth every penny when it is a positive one xx
Its only natural to feel this way. The 2WW sucks, i really think it aged me. What will be will be....but im praying hard for a positive outcome for you. You may even surprise yourself x
Hope your remaining 2 days go quick. Are you doing anything nice?
Fertility takes over your every thought and breath. Good for you deciding enough is enough. Enjoy the holidays and treats!! Wishing you and your husband all the best xxx
Yes we are thinking that too. Cycle 5 failed in September and its been a terrible year for us. I had to see a trichologist on friday who diagnosed me with stress related hair loss and it was a turning point. Without knowing my history he told me hair loss began three years ago- which was almost to the day the date of my first miscarriage. V sad. Time to reset and regroup. This is a great community to ‘air’ those decisions in! Enjoy planning your holiday. Am so with you in feeling this could be the point enough is enough. Good luck in whatever you decide. Take care xxx
I'm at the point where I'm considering that to perhaps be the best option for us if this doesn't cycle doesn't work. But it's still only a thought.... you're really brave to make the decision.
Well done (it's genuine.... not meant patronisingly) and please do enjoy all that the world has to offer! Xxxx
I have only done one round but I’m of the same view right now. It’s horrible, even with a positive test your not out the woods - in my case with blighted ovum, two infact in one go. How many times can you go through this?
My husband says a famous basketball player (Wayne Gretzky) once said ‘you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’.
Who knows, maybe we both need a break from this heartache and to focus on something else for a while xx
You are so incredibly brave. It can't have been easy to make that decision but you've got to do what is best for you. Hope you enjoy your holiday and I wish you all the very best xx
I’ve been thinking about when to move on too. I’m earlier in my journey than you but I just wanted to say that you are strong for making this decision and I wish you all the best for your future, whatever that may hold x
Wishing you all the best! I’ve only been through one failed round but the journey to get to that has been long and included operations to remove fibroids. I’m 42 next month and we decided a few months ago before my second round to give up and accept that if it didn’t work, that was it for us because there has to be a time you start living again and enjoy life with each other without the constant weight of infertility. I then fell pregnant naturally so you just never know what’s around the corner.xx
This can’t have been an easy decision, but there is more to life than making babies. It’s great to hear you’re planning trips and have positive things to looks forward to. I wish you all the best xx
Good for you for recognising when to stop.. it is so difficult on this merry go round of infertility.. you think I’ll just try one more round of ivf, or this op, or this test .. or this diet.. it drives you mad! I told myself we were stopping last year after our 3rd failed ivf.. as it nearly split us up.. but deep down I couldn’t fully let it go and still tried and hoped each month.. and now am about to have another round of ivf! I think it’s so hard to fully give up trying.. but i really liked what a few of you have said about taking the control back of your life by making a firm decision to stop.. and not letting this control us anymore.. that’s so empowering! I (like you) love travel and have avoided anywhere with Zika virus etc.. just in case Lol! ..So - anyway- get out there and enjoy your travels and new phase of adventures!! Wishing you loads of luck xx
I wish you all the best with your onward journey. You have made a very difficult decision but it already sounds like you're feeling more positive. Take care xx
Hi Leah
Well done for taking back control and reclaiming your life. How empowering to be back in the drivers seat again and not one controlled by diet, injections, transfers, scans and all the other things we put ourselves through on this fertility rollercoaster.
I think it’s so important to mark some of the themes you and others have mentioned because it’s so easy to project ourselves into the future and imagine we’ll regret the decisions we make now.
You’ve made such a brave, informed and well considered decision to take back control, to start living life again, enjoy your marriage and to look forward to holidays and your child-free life.
You’ve given IVF and fertility treatment a good whack and persisted with it for as long as you could. You’ve not given up just called it a day and done your very best.
It’s so important to know when we’ve reached our limit and this is different for everyone. It is such a painful and all consuming journey.
I’ve had 2 failed cycles and don’t think I can manage more than one final cycle.
I wish you all the best Leah and thank you for talking about something I imagine most of us have thought about at one time or another.
Big hugs to you. It’s important to know yourself and when it’s time to move on. I hope you and your partner are filled with healing, peace, contentment and hope for what the future has for you. It’s going to be different than you’d hoped, but it could still be really wonderful. Xx
As hard as the decision has been for you and your husband it certainly sounds like you now have some clear goals and can enjoy life again and each other.
This whole journey takes a part of you that can never be put back.
I'm sorry to read that sad tone in your post. We have been trying for a baby almost 4 years now with one failed ICSI cycle. And things took another tough direction which is being locked to the hospital appointments and ....
However, I still remember a friend of mine told me ( she wasn't that young to keep trying for a baby) however, she said something that I still remember clearly: once I stop having my period I will stop trying for a baby and having hope , but I still get it every month so I'm not giving up.
This lady travels and lives her married life as she's got kids.
Why don't we just have a pinch of balance instead of going extremes in our decisions. You can have a break and back with better mood and psychologically ready for trying again.
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a tough decision to make. However, it sounds like you have made the best decision for you and very pleased you have booked a holiday and trips etc. I know exactly how you feel because I currently feel like my life is on hold. There will be a time where I will also get to the same thought process if we are unsuccessful.
Wishing you all the best for your new positive journey and experiences.
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