I hope no one minds me posting on here. I just don't know who to reach out to when feeling like this. Sometimes I just feel so alone.
I've just had gynae surgery less then two weeks ago. Now being treated for a post op infection so feeling really crummy.
Gynae surgery was a massive step forwards as now we can start to plan for fertility treatment which i've been told I will likely need.
It's been a really stressful few years with this that and the other, and as age isn't on my side i've already been told that i can't leave things any longer.
Truthfully, I feel really emotionally fragile. It's a combination of everything taking it's toll on me, limited sleep and being fearful about going through this whole 'journey' again and no matter how hard I try, i'm finding it so hard to communicate how i'm feeling to my family. It's either 'chin up', 'deal with what life throws at you', 'just relax' etc etc.
Surrounded by pregnant friends and family which whilst I am so happy for them, it just reminds me of the difficulties we have had and are yet to come.
I just feel terrible today and feel like i'm in a vicious circle. Probably because I feel physically unwell which i'm sure isn't helping.
My husband doesn't want to pursue things until he is confident my mental health is stable. Obviously this is sensible but my mental health keeps getting rocked by all the stumbling blocks and it has been my body that has gone through so much physically, plus attending all appointments alone due to bloody covid so he's not been there to hear the bleak picture being painted because my stupid body won't do what it's suppose to. Sometimes, I hate myself for it. I have always led a healthy lifestyle - healthy BMI, non smoker, non drinker etc etc so why my body is like this I don't know.
I am feeling so poorly today and he has invited the in laws round for a bbq. I feel so selfish but the last thing I feel like doing is socialising when I feel unwell and can't stop crying. Didn't even ask if I felt well enough. My sister in law is due a baby soon and I know that it will be non stop chit chat about this.
How do I stop myself from crying over the table when I feel so poorly?
The thing is I can't live my life wondering 'what if we had given things another go'?
There is a small part of me that wonders if perhaps I just need some acceptance that enough is enough and put a stop to all this torture.
One thing that kept me going was talking, I was seeing a fertility counsellor and my GP every month but this has all stopped. I wish I could just go and see my doctor face to face and really open up about how shit I really feel. Telephone appointments are ok but there is not much continuity and alot of correspondance is via email now all thanks to covid. As they don't physically see me, I don't think they fully appreciate how awful i'm doing.
I feel like everything has taken it's toll and come to a big head. It feels like it's finally beaten me 😔
Written by
Positive2022
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Bless you, i'm so sorry you're having a tough time too. It's nice to know we're not alone and have some support from each other, but it's not nice we're having to go through this. Take care and sending love and BIG hugs ♥️
Hey! Thanks for being brave and sharing so much. I have been feeling really down too with so many of my friends pregnant, lots of them with their second or third. Meanwhile, I'm desperately struggling to just have one. And time keeps ticking by and I can't wrap my head or heart around not being a mom. It's isolating and terrifying because so few really understand what this feels like. I feel like a monster because I don't want to be around anyone pregnant or with a baby until I'm in a better state of mind. It's just too depressing right now. And forget about finding a therapist during this COVID stuff when they're not even seeing people in person. Wishing you all the best in your journey! xoxo
I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time too. It's a very cruel journey and a huge emotional rollercoaster that I don't feel anyone can fully appreciate until one has been through the same thing. I've had a few telephone consultations which i'm grateful for but don't find them very helpful. I went up to the pharmacy which is next to my surgery to get my antibiotics and was really surprised to see the large volume of patients all stood around waiting for thier face to face appointments. How do they get one? Obviously they don't feel I need one which I guess is why i've never been offered one. I hope covid hasn't changed the way appointments are carried out forever. Take care and look after yourself. Sending love and BIG hugs ♥️
Hi Poppy149,
I just wanted to say you are not alone here.I feel exactly how you do most days but don't know what I would do without all the lovely ladies here.Have a read of my posts and all the lovely advice I have recieved.🥰
Oh Poppy! Your post broke my heart. I could really feel your pain and if I’m honest, I have felt the same way many times over the last few years. I often found myself in such a dark place with such dark thoughts that it’s terrifying.
Like you, I’ve always been fit and healthy, never smoked or take drugs, not a big drinker. I don’t think it will ever make sense. I wish I could somehow make it all better for us.
For now, all I can say is look after yourself, try and distract yourself as much a possible. I’ve been listening to the ‘miracles happen fertility podcast’ while going on my daily walk. Both really help.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I'm so sorry you have been through a difficult time too. Distraction techniques do help. I have always enjoyed exercise and started running during lockdown. Normally we do other forms of exercise like swimming, gym etc but had to quickly change what we usually do and I found running helped. As I am recovering from surgery, I can't re start exercise just yet so perhaps this has had a negative impact on my coping strategies. Take care and wishing you all the best ♥️
Hi poppy, I couldn’t read this and this scroll on.
It sounds like you’re having such a hard time. You’re really not alone, I’ve felt so similar and can relate in so many ways.
The fact that you’re body is fighting an infection as well will not be helping.
All I’ve learnt is sometimes you have to be selfish, and if this BBQ is feeling too much for you at the moment, just be honest and take yourself for a rest. You’re family will understand.
It’s ok, to have a day where all you can manage to do is brush your teeth.
Can your therapist or doctor do a zoom consultation or something? I know it’s not the same, but sometimes being able to see facial expressions can really help.
Just please know that you are not alone.
This forum is great for reaching out and getting support.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Perhaps I was just having a bad day as I was feeling so poorly. I've been up half the night feeling so sick due to the antibiotics. I didn't attend the BBQ, and of course I feel awful today for not being there 🙉 I have another telephone consultation with my GP in a couple of weeks as i'm sogned off work post surgery and i think i'm just going to be totally honest about everything. My situation is quite complex, multiple gynae problems and fertility issues so I find it hard covering everything in a quick telephone chat. Take care and sending love and BIG hugs ♥️
Hello Poppy,
I am very sorry that this is happening to you.
My wonderful sister-in-law had trouble conceiving but now has two boys, naturally conceived and I adore them. But I too struggle, the envy is insane! She understands though and is so supportive. My elder sister has three children and is ridiculously fertile. I don’t think she had sex with her husband, I think he just looked at her and she got pregnant.
It’s tough being around all this, it’s tough to see others having children. But, this is not a chin up situation, this is a grieving situation. I have just come to the realization that you have to limit yourself.
I am allowing myself one or two days a week to wallow but the for the rest I must push everything aside and try to smile, and laugh, and carry on. It’s hard, but you love yourself as well.
Give yourself a break, get those pyjamas on, brew some tea, put a film on, or get a book, and enjoy :).
Thank you so much. I think it's v hard for people to fully understand the emotional rollercoaster we go through unless others have fone through the same thing. I think I must have just been having a bit of a down day. Thank you for your support and i'm so sorry you have had difficulty too. Sending love and BIG hugs ♥️ xxx
I highly recommend the mindfulness app and you can also buy a set of ivf belief cds/dvds from amazon. They really helped me relax and stopped me feeling down. You could also try reflexology or fertility acupuncture once covid restrictions allow. Sorry you are feeling like this but I completely understand it. X
Thanks hun. I was fortunate enough to get our miracle but I know how hard the journey is getting there. It's things like this that made everything a little less bleak, I was very down at one point, convinced I'd never conceive and surrounded by pregnancies and birth announcements. Baby dust and hugs to you xx
Hi poppy I just wanted to say your not alone, the ladies on here have given me such kind words in my darkest times. The words that you write I could have written myself, its ok to not want to socialise and be around pregnant ladies everyone on here can hear u on that one! Iv also been in a position where my oh delayed us trying due to him thinking mentally i could not handle it . So i can understand the mounting pressure your under. Definitely try more councilling and see if that can help - i know telephone not the same bt are they able to skype you?
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult time too. Do you mind me asking how you managed to get through the pause on things because of mental health? I'm finding this so hard. On the one hand, I completely understand but on the other hand, it's almost fueling my anxiety because i've been told multiple times that we may have already left things too late, taking into account my age, fertility and gynae problems. Unfortunately my husband couldn't be present at appointments to hear this due to covid 😔I can't seem to communicate this to my husband no matter how hard I try. Things like yesterday just don't help, and now he'll think i've had another 'set back' and potentially delay things further. Sometimes it's easier for me to just not say anything but bottling up my emotions is hard. I really appreciate your support, take care and sending love and BIG hugs ♥️
Your husband putting this ultimatum on your mental health to ‘get better’ or no fertility treatment cannot be helping! It would certainly make me worse and not able to communicate my true feelings for fear it would be a reason for a longer wait. I would suggest that instead of doing this he helps you move forward, one of which might be exploring next steps in the fertility journey together. I don’t know if you will be going NHS or private but both have a bit of a wait list just now anyway so I would start with those enquiries and plans together and also get you both prepared mentally. The counselling sessions via zoom and the apps would be a great place to start as well as you both individually and together doing some things that better your mental health. Getting lined up for treatment doesn’t mean you can’t pause if you are not feeling up to it. I totally get why he would want you both in a good place to embark on a tough journey but seems he has landed it all on your shoulders in a threat/ultimatum type way, which is not helpful, especially if time is not on your side it would cause my anxiety and more frustration to have that happen. Good luck and I hope your infection clears really soon xx
Thank you so much for your kind words of advice. I was started to wonder if perhaps i'm being over sensitive about everything as I totally get the importance of being in a good place but the pressure is just too much sometimes. I have a telephone appointment with my GP in a couple of weeks and i'm half tempted to email the surgery to find out if a face to face is possible now. I just feel it would help me properly open up about everything and as my situation / history is a bit complex there are several issues that I would like to chat about and I sometimes feel a bit rushed on the phone. When I went to pick up my antibiotics from the pharmacy which is next door to my surgery, there were loads of people all waiting for face to face appointments. I just don't know how they managed to get offered one 🤔 clearly they don't think one is needed for me.
Thank you so much, i am truly grateful for the love and support on here. It's given me a lift this morning. Take care and my inbox is always open of you ever need a chat too ♥️♥️♥️
I too do this and find it easier to bury my feelings as my husband doesn’t really understand that primal need to be a mother above all else. I haven’t found anything that works to be honest and have struggled for years .. this forum has been a ray of hope and i can post something and someone will always reply. The sense of urgency I understand too - its hard im still in that phase x all i can say is your not alone
Aw, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I sent you a private message.
If you read my previous posts that’s exactly how I felt too and still feel from time to time. Every month when I know my body didn’t do what it was supposed to do (again) I feel so hopeless and often lonely as I know I can’t speak to anyone, apart from the people in this forum. I am no longer trying to do it with people I know, they don’t understand the pain. I hope you feel better soon and if you want to talk I’m here x
Thank you so much for your messages and taking the time to respond. I'm so sorry you have gone through all this too. It really is a cruel journey sometimes and hard for people to fully understand. I'm here for you too. Sending love and BIG hugs. My inbox is always open of you need a chat too ♥️
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
I've made it halfway! No symptoms 🙈😂🙈😂 any reassurance? 
Sometimes I wonder how much more can I take?!
