Feeling lost

[LillyZL]

Hi all, I'm new to this page and joined as I don't feel I can voice my feelings elsewhere. So 6 years of hoping to get pregnant, 3 years of actively trying (ie. ovulation tests etc) and nothing. We were finally in a position last year to start looking into what's going wrong and I was so excited that we were moving forward. Hubby had his tests and is in working order, I had to wait a lot longer for mine and had my first appointment in February, the next steps were scheduled for March but were cancelled due to COVID and there is now no indication of when these will be rescheduled. I have been an emotional wreck since these have been cancelled as I can no longer see that light at the end of the tunnel, although I have not received any results I can't help but assume that there's something wrong with me and as a result I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt for my husband on top of my already depressive feelings. I have extremely supportive family and friends but no-one really understands how I feel and quite frankly I'm fed up of hearing the words 'it'll happen', so I just keep my feelings to myself. I'm surrounded by people who seem to be getting pregnant or having babies and I am struggling to find it in me to be happy for them which in itself upsets me as I don't want to be that person. I guess the purpose of this post is just to find reassurance in the fact that others have felt like this and I'm not alone!?

[Pebbles345]

Hello,

I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I have felt very similar to you and I think most people on here will be able to empathise with you. The whole thing is so hard and it seems like one battle after the next.

I think sometimes we take a lot on ourselves and we assume that our partners would not choose to be with us if they knew all these problems would lie ahead. When I feel like this I

just remind myself that I love my partner and even if we could never have children I would still love him and choose to be with him. I remind myself that he feels like this too, even if I am determined to think otherwise!

Hang on in there, the process is long but you're so much closer than you were 6 years ago, you're almost at the start line!

You might find it helpful to see a counsellor, I know it's not for everyone but I've found it so helpful just to rant and cry!

Take care and we're all here for each other xx

[LillyZL in reply to Pebbles345]

Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot, some days I'm good at being optimistic but today clearly isn't one of them, it's nice to be reassured that this is 'normal' and good to know I'm not alone, although sad to see so many are going through the same battles.

I have looked at your previous posts and see you have been affected by COVID cancellations too, I hope everything gets moving again soon for you too, got everything crossed for you in your next step x

[Hidden]

Hey this is 100% normal, and even even you found there was nothing wrong with you I anticipate you will still feel the 'guilt' that you havent 'provided' a child. There is technically nothing wrong with either of us but I every so often I have had moments where I have suggested my partner leave me and find someone who could give him kids - somehow assuming its all my fault its not happened.. its a real burden to carry and some days its worse than others. I think Covid makes it worse a) because you can't proactively do anything toward your goal and b) you can't fill your life with 'non-TTC' things like going out, holidays etc so the childless world is really really exacerbated.

Whilst it probably doesnt help you are in great company on this site as many of us feel the same. All we can do is slog through the bad days but just remind ourselves our partners got together with us without knowing if we could have children or not, and actually you have been happy without them so you can still be happy with or without them. A lot of people on here have been using Covid to improve their diets and fitness etc as a way to try and do something positive towards TTC and at least you feel in control then.. I have to admit I have failed miserably!

Sending you a huge hug, this is a tough old journey - wishing you masses of luck xx

[LillyZL in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your lovely reply! I had that very conversation with hubby today about the option of leaving, needless to say he's still here. Yes I have to say I don't think I've utilised lockdown in the best possible way so maybe it's time I started....a good BBQ and Gin are doing the trick for today so maybe I'll start tomorrow 😊

Thanks again and best of luck in your journey too x

[Ariel_the_mermaid]

Hi lillyZL, I think everyone on here will be able to relate, I joined here a few weeks ago, as like you I felt I was having a melt down and could not speak to anyone who understood, I was fed up with it will happen, I promise you will have a child someday, somehow. Being on here and seeing other people’s posts has helped my so much. I was finally diagnosed with my condition in February and was due for surgery in the April, it was cancelled 2 weeks before because of COVID with now end in sight! I can’t even pay to have my op private because the nhs has bought up all the private companies capacity. It’s such a nightmare... I have all my fingers and toes crossed services will resume shortly. Take care x

[LillyZL in reply to Ariel_the_mermaid]

Thank you, yes I agree coming on here has helped me massively even just being able to write it down and be completely honest helped!

I'm pleased to say that the hospital have now got in touch to try and start things going again so hoping my next appointments will be next month, that little glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel has made all the difference.

I'm sorry your surgery got cancelled, I hope it gets rescheduled soon and wishing you the best of luck with it x