Down days....so lost!

[LKT1]

Hi all,

Sorry for the negative message but I don’t know where else to go right now. Iv managed to stay quite positive so far but I feel like I’ve reached my limit. We had a round of IVF which was unsuccessful and no back ups in freezer. My job as a teacher has taken too much of a toll due to 60 hrs a week and my class (although I love every single one of them) there are a number who have high behavioural and emotional issues causing outburts resulting in me and other staff regularly putting themselves in harms way. I have had to hand in my notice so I can continue IVF in a safe environment. It was such a heart wrenching decision but I can’t be relaxed or give IVF the best chance in that environment. But now feel so lost. Only 3 weeks to go and I need to find another job and I’m terrified I won’t get one. Iv lost all confidence so selling myself in an interview is hard.

On top of this, I have 7 close girl friends. I was the first to start TTC and since then 5 babies have been born and 2 of them are pregnant again at the moment. I love them and they are considerate of my situation but my social life and free time is now very limited to watching other mums with their babies. I’m very happy for them. I’m just hurting for me.

I love my husband so much but we are not being intimate. He has lost confidence as our infertility is down to a biological issue he was born with. We have got in a rut of staying in watching tv and going to bed as we are both so exhausted.

All aspects of work, friends and home life just feels all wrong. I’m so sorry for the moan, I’m normally such an upbeat person but at the moment I feel very lost.

My next IVF cycle is at the end of July so I want to get my positivity and enjoyment of life back so we are in with a good shot. With NHS round used up this will be our last shot. Any advice much appreciated for anyone who has tips on coming out the other side of these feelings with a smile. TIA.

[LunaLovegood11]

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this xxx

It’s a difficult situation, make sure you take time for you and your husband, maybe try and be intimate without TTC to take the pressure off but stay close.

Thinking of you xxx

[LKT1 in reply to LunaLovegood11]

Thank you. We are going to try and have a mini retreat to Cornwall in a couple of weeks which should be exactly what we need. Fingers crossed for the sunshine x

[Hidden]

Hey stop beating yourself up for one, it’s such an emotional and challenging journey. We had our first cycle back in October last year and we got a BFN! My emotions are all over the place and that’s normal! I’m going to start another cycle end of June! I feel so much more positive and that has been due to me addressing and talking my feelings out with family/friends and hubby! Remember it is hard for our other halves too I have to remind myself of this only too often! I genuinely believe when your body and mind are in the best place it really will happen so crossing everything for July keep the faith and hope ❤️❤️❤️ Lots of hugs sending your way

[LKT1 in reply to Hidden]

Good luck and fingers crossed for you for your next cycle. I think our next one will be end of July. We have booked a little uk holiday so hopefully that will be a good to help me relax. X

[LJW78]

Sounds like being between jobs is exactly what you need. Do something sensory everyday like gardening, baking, swimming - anything to get you to feel something outside of yourself. Creating something is also awesome for your head and your confidence. When I was overwhelmed I ikea-hacked a stool. I felt like I could conquer the world after that lol

Once you've taken some steps to repair, take your hubby on a date. Show him he's more than his sperm. My partner is great, but he's got a low count and I often think he blames himself.

My colleague and best friend at work started her first cycle 3 days after I started my first. She's now showing scans of her baby at work and it's hard. How do you get so lucky on your first damn cycle!!? Take those scans far far away lol. It's hard mate. The whole journey is way more brutal than anyone could have ever imagined. Give yourself that and be kind to yourself xx

[LKT1]

Thank you. Ouch I feel your pain, those scans must have been hard to deal with. I find the guilt at feeling miserable during someone else’s happy time even worse 😬...you’re Right the whole thing is brutal. I’m enjoying walking my dog and I have taken your advice and got back on top of the garden which means I have nice outdoor space to sit and relax if the sun decides to stay out. Mini holiday booked which I hope will help with the couples time. X

[lisssa9]

It's ok to vent sometimes. I'm sorry you feel this way. I can relate... Ttc is hard, especially when you're trying and trying and nothing works and it has an impact on all aspects of life... And others seem to gp right away. They have perfect lives and seem to have absolutely no problems. I have a friend (not very close) pregnant right now. She is 9 weeks and she is 40. This is her first baby. We have 12 families in the club. Each month we get together and hang out. When I heard the news, I was so happy for her. I even called her and congratulated her. But when I saw her on Thursday little green monster get into me. I’ve got little jealous. I was talking to her, but suddenly I realized I don't like her at all. I feel really bad. But I guess that’s because I want a baby so bad. And when I hear someone has one, I get jealous. It becomes harder to be happy and not jealous each time someone announces they're pg...

[Dreamingofbaby]

Bless you it ok to feel how u are. It not surprising. Such a tough situation indeed. With a job like yours and ivf it is soo hard. Go easy on you.

Look after you, maybe re group and have a break then go from there. Take good care xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

This feels like I could have written it a few years ago. I reduced down to three days a week rather than resign which is about the right amount of teaching to have a work/life balance, and I was able to access talking therapy counselling through my academy trust as well, which really helped. Maybe you could look for part time jobs? Or is it too late to negotiate with your school about going part time? (Depends if they’ve already replaced you obviously).