And just like that it’s been almost 2 weeks since the surgical management of our MMC. Every day since has had its ups and downs; which was to be expected. What I didn’t expect was the lack of compassion my manager would show.
A couple of days before my surgery, I told my manager what was going on (ie the MC) and that I’d send a sick note for the following week. Not once during that week did she touch base with me; no text (she has my personal number as well as my work number), no emails, no “I’m thinking of you”, nothing.
The first time she contacted me since I told her what happened was a week later (the first Monday back at work) and that was an email with a list of tasks for me to do that week. I’ve felt so resentful towards her and by Friday I was sobbing because it just felt like the one person I ended up having to share our MC with (in real life) was disregarding me, my grief and our loss.
My hubby has convinced me the healthiest way for me to move on at work (ie stop feeling so angry at her) is to express how I feel to my manager. So I’ve booked a 1-to-1 meeting with her for tomorrow to discuss this with her. I absolutely hate confrontation, so this is a huge step for me.
I wanted to ask; has anyone else experienced this at work? Is loss / miscarriage THAT much of a taboo subject that even female managers find it awkward to try and find some humanity to just reach out and show a little compassion?!
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KDA0510
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I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ I went through a similar experience in March; my (female) manager has also never asked me how I am or shown me any compassion. I felt miffed/ upset by it too, like you are feeling. Sorry I don’t have any good advice really, but you are not alone. Sending you love xxx
Oh AS100, I’m sorry for your loss too. It just feels like such a slap in the face doesn’t it? Having to work through our grief as well as healing, but then having to manage your own manager - as if we have the energy to do it all 😞 I just know if I don’t say anything I’ll end up feeling so angry and bitter I’ll end up handing in my resignation, and we can’t afford to do that. Let’s see how she reacts and what she has to say; I’ll keep everyone posted xx
I can’t really be bothered with work at the moment 🙈 you’re right It is too much on top of grief. You have had lots of interesting & helpful responses- I agree that probably most people don’t know what to say 😞 Especially if they haven’t experienced it. If you can have a 1:1 and calmly get things off your chest it might help you feel a little lighter, without expecting any response. (Manage your manager haha!) Someone else wrote about people having time off for a cold- that’s so true!!! I worked with someone who had 3 weeks off for flu!! Time hopefully is a healer ❤️ Xxx
Sorry for what you have been through. I haven't been through a miscarriage myself but I did have a threatened miscarriage at 10 weeks. I found it really stressful so I understand what you are going through. My Doctor at the hospital told me to maybe leave working for a week as I was really suffering from stress. Also, I could only have a scan a mid week following my bleeding as that was the earliest time they could see me. I ended up having a private scan at an earlier time. When I told my manager that I wanted to cancel my shifts for next week as I am on zero contract hours in care company, so at a push could get agency he said 'you can just leave then.' I said no. He knew he could not sack me. Before I became pregnant. I worked every single weekend and he said I was really good at my job. But, the company I work for is cutthroat so it's not really surprising. There was a woman who was on a full time contract who had grown up children and refused to work many weekends. She threatened to leave the job because they she didn't want to work them because she said her boyfriend didn't like it. The same manager told her that he didn't want her to go. I don't think you are on your own going through this. One women I worked with said that when she pregnant they made her look after a client who would go out of her way to attack pregnant women. If company is cutthroat they probably will treat you like this. You take it step by step and see what happens at the meeting. I don't think legally companies have to recognise early miscarriage but, you would think with them owing a duty of care to employee they would try to be understanding. I just really hope you recover heal from this.
Ugh, I’m sorry you’ve had such shocking treatment at work! That’s so terrible. I think for me it’s especially frustrating because my manager is the kind to say things but then never follow through with actions. For example, ‘you can talk to me about anything’ - which then gave me a false sense of security (ie support). Obviously, I can’t because when I have, she’s disregarded me and made me feel like me (and the MC) didn’t exist.
Some compassion would have been greatly appreciated last week, even if it was to say ‘I don’t know what you’re going through and I can’t relate, but please know I’m thinking of you’.
But thank you for sharing your experience (albeit it was awful). I’ll send an update to this post after my meeting to keep everyone posted x
This is awful, Capricorn! Sorry to hear how terrible work places can be. I would just say on the legally bit, KDA0510, that time needed off sick due to a miscarriage is pregnancy-related, and pregnancy-related is specific sick leave that should be counted separately at work that can't be used against you for disciplinary purposes. Let us know how the talk with your manager goes. x
Hey lovely, I’ve been through two mmc. I do understand how you feel. I have been lucky enough to have an understanding
( to a point )Manager.
Unless you have been through one it’s hard to understand how you are feeling.
To you/us we have lost our baby, our future, our dreams, even in the time you were pregnant if like me you had dared to think of the future, the nursery, the names... then in a blink it’s all gone.
You have to process the loss of not only you’re baby but everything else aswell, emotionally, physically and mentally.
It doesn’t help when you’re told it you’re it was early or shows you can get pregnant. Some don’t understand the loss you’ve had and that you need to grieve. A loss is a loss.
She may have found it hard to relate to, not know what to say, so act as though it hasn’t happened.
She may not have contacted you while you were off incase you thought it was work related and maybe she just wanted to give you time.
She should of however called a meeting with you on your return, firstly to ask how you are, if you were ready to be back in work and if there was anything she/ company could do for you.
I think you calling a 1:1 with her is the right thing to do.
Maybe write down how you are feeling. any questions you have. That way you won’t forget to raise anything in the meeting. I don’t like confrontations either.
Maybe just start off by thanking for her for meeting you and just say that you wanted to have a catch up following the miscarriage, how you are feeling etc.
I’m so sorry about your losses 💛 And thanks for your kind words.
The thing is, I know she isn’t a robot because she was supportive after our failed FET last year. So either she feels uncomfortable or perhaps she’s pregnant herself, I have no idea.
But like you said, you don’t have to have gone through someone to show compassion. To not have even checked in on the first day I went back to work after sick leave, is just shitty management in my opinion.
My husbands manager on the other hand has been so supportive and sensitive; even going as far as offering us counselling via their counselling services.
I’ll make sure to update this post with the outcome of the meeting; really hope that she understands where I’m coming from x
I'm so sorry. My (female) manager at the time of our MC was really supportive and asked if I needed additional time off or to have any of my tasks covered for a while. So hard to be dealing with work pressure on top of everything, sending hugs xx
Thanks lovely. I’m sorry to hear about your loss and glad you were given the right support. A part of me wishes I just went straight to HR because I’m sure it would have been dealt with much better. But I didn’t want so many ppl at work to know (we have a large HR team and my paperwork (sicknote) might have been handled more than one person in the team).
Hopefully she will take on board my feedback. Let’s see what happens tomorrow xx
So sorry to hear this. As if you're not going through enough without missing the full support of your work! Sensible of you calling a meeting with your manager, and hope it goes well, and that she just doesn't realise that she hasn't been supporting you enough. Sadly, I have experienced this at work, and to the point where my manager has suggested maybe work stress was the reason for my miscarriage (really uncaring). If I was a manager I would have sent flowers or something! This is a big thing to go through and hope your work are more understanding after your talk. Take any time off that you need to as well! Sending lots of love. xxxx
Oh my god, what an utter tw*t your manager is! I’m so sorry for your loss and then on top of that having to hear rubbish like that. How insensitive!
It’s funny you talk about sending flowers, because my previous manager who I worked for (same company, different department) sent me a huge bouquet + really fancy biscuits after both my laparoscopies a few years ago. I only changed roles because the work wasn’t as fulfilling. But my new manager hasn’t even been able to send a simple text after a big thing like aMC.
I get feeling uncomfortable or worrying about saying the wrong thing, but surely it’s better than ignoring?! I’m so nervous but I know I’ll just feel worse if I don’t express my feelings. I’ll keep you all updated xx
Firstly I am so sorry for loss. I can’t imagine how painful that is. I am also sad to hear that through this you have no support from work. I agree a 1-2-1 is a good idea as this will give you a chance to share how you feel instead of holding on to it.
Fingers crossed your manager will be apologetic for her lack of compassion and secondly get a plan together to help support you in your work.
I had a manager at one point who was great at chasing anything work related but in term of just saying how are thing when she knew there was stuff happening in my life was non existence. It was just so cold. I know everyone is different but I feel in times definitely with what you have unfortunately had to go through you really need that support. My managers are now male and I honestly cannot fault them. I hope the meeting goes how you want it to and if you want let us know how you get on xxx
Thanks Jonesy85. I really hope so too; I know she hates confrontation also, so it’s definitely going to be an awkward conversation but I know if I don’t say anything it’s going to affect my behaviour at work (ie, unproductive, unmotivated, etc).
The thing is, she definitely is capable of showing compassion as she was supportive after our failed FET at the end of last year. Either she doesn’t know what to say, worried about triggering by checking in or perhaps she’s pregnant herself and feels awkward. Who knows. My hubby who works in HR is really gutted on my behalf for the way my manager has handled this (or lack of); I think he feels guilty considering how lovely his own manager has been.
I’ll keep you all posted on the outcome of my meeting xx
Morning KDA0510, yes that’s very true it could be she doesn’t know what to say or maybe she is also dealing with some tough stuff at the min but I really have my fingers crossed that you will feel a lift of pressure by getting your thoughts across xxx
So sorry for what you’re going through and that you feel unsupported by your boss. Do talk to her and say how you’re feeling. Not to excuse her as I would be as mad as you but she may not have known what to say and so thought better to say nothing at all. I’ve been surprised at the number of emotionally intelligent people who have been like that with me. Saying nothing is as bad as saying Greg wrong thing in my book! If it’s not a good conversation then do what you can to protect yourself from future hurt in your interactions with her: lower your expectations, find other places to be vulnerable etc. Hope it goes way better than you think it will though x
Thanks Runuphill. It’s just so frustrating 😞 Saying nothing just makes me feel like my MC didn’t exist, that my grief doesn’t count and that I’m literally there as a cog in the corporate wheel. What’s thrown me is that she was supportive of our failed FET. Tbh, she didn’t really know what to say then but she tried and I was grateful. Perhaps MC just makes people feel uncomfortable - who knows. I hope my chat with her tomorrow gives her a wider perspective.
As you suggested, it’s exactly what I intend to do going forward regardless of the outcome. This journey is hard enough without having to deal with people from our real lives who just don’t ‘get it’ xx
I have been very lucky with my managers both losses were dealt with ok. However I know many friends who haven’t had great experiences and it really does make a difference to your healing.
The Miscarriage Association has a pdf leaflet written for workplaces that you can send your work for them to read- it’s an official charity so hopefully they’ll take note.
When I was invited to a absence review meeting because I’d been absent almost three weeks I found the HR letter incredibly upsetting- I think it had the words ‘your level of absence has reached a level deemed unacceptable’! I was irate- I email both my manager and line manager and told them whilst I too thought that the fact I’d had to take time off work to manage a MMC and recover from it (and an ectopic all in 12 months) was unacceptable and unfair I was shocked that those words would be used in such a sensitive scenario by an official HR document- turns out there was a ‘sensitive’ version of the invite letter but wasn’t really advertised! By highlighting it I know at least two managers are now aware of it and will hopefully use that in future!
Take all the time you need to recover- I remember feeling like I shouldn’t be away from work and my friend told me- some people take time off for a cold I think you have plenty of justification to take your time and go back when you’re ready!
At my previous job I had felt bitter and angry for a long time towards my line manager after they had treated me badly after I had blood clots in my lungs back in 2017 and sadly things couldnt be sorted out so I left last year as I couldn't tolerate their attitudes.
Hi sorry for you loss, I think sometimes people just dont know what to day to you incase it upsets you further. With my first mmc at 12w it was totally unexpected I hadnt told work I was pregnant I work in an office with my sister and 3 men + factory workers, my sister knew tho. I didnt even tell him I was miscarrying I got my sister to tell him and I wouldnt be in that week and after I came back the conversation we had (boss) was how are you feeling? are you ok? To be honest I wouldnt have coped well if he had asked anything more it was far too upsetting for me. I've had 2 more mmc at 12/13w one I was on a weeks holiday the last one was over xmas I didnt take time off or tell him I just cant face people asking what happened and if im ok. Maybe your manager is waiting for you to reach out because she doesnt want to upset you at work and is unsure if you want to talk about it etc. One of my friends told me to buy a dog abit insensitive she can't have children and adopted I thought she'd know better to what to not to say.
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