Failed ICSI : I’m currently alone on... - Fertility Network UK

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Failed ICSI

Janop79
Janop79

I’m currently alone on the spare bedroom floor sobbing my heart out. Received a call from the embryologist an hour ago that they had to discard the one egg I was able to get from this cycle and the sperm due to some sort of abnormality. I’m filled with so much hate for myself. Hate and anger. I’ve tried so hard to do everything right, spent a fortune on vitamins and still nothing. All I can think of is how stupid and pointless my life is. Maybe because it’s all still so raw. I don’t know. I do know that I’m so scared. Scared about everything, about the future, about never ever being able to be a mother. I feel scared, alone and hopeless

51 Replies
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Oh darling i can so relate to your feeling and i can promise you you will overcome this.

You are strong and have a beautiful soul for going through this process in the first place.

Its normal to mourn, cry and blame yourself but i promise you, you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Praying for you❤️

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Mimisami

Thank you so so much for your kind response. It really means a lot. Sorry for the late reply. Yesterday was a dark day with lots of dark thoughts. Still feels raw today but I’m going to try my best to pick myself up and keep positive.

Wishing you all the best on this tough journey xxx

Sending lots of love. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you xx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Patches86

Thank you! I hope so too. Still feels a bit raw but I’m going to try to pick myself up today and be strong.

Wishing you all the best xxx

So sorry to hear of this pain. All I will say is that you will not always feel like this - I truly believe and have seen that no matter what on this difficult journey the bad times do not become permanent and there is always reason for hope again. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. If you can find the courage to distract yourself with something practical for an hour or so it can help to give you that slight lift to then come back to thinking about the issue without quite so much heartbreak x your time will come and you deserve to be kind to yourself x

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to alittlelife

Thank you so much. Yesterday was tough. One of the toughest days I’ve had in a long time. I’ve not such dark thoughts in a while. I did manage to distract myself a bit in the evening by watching a new box set and we got a takeaway which was nice.

You’re right. There is always a reason to hope again. Hanging on to this.

What you said about my time will come brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. I really hope so for the both of us.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Hi Janop,

I am so sorry you are having to face this bleak outcome after all your effort and hard work! IVF can be so incredibly hard and disappointing sometimes. I think that it is so important to feel what you are feeling, process through all the raw, hardcore emotions, frustrations and disappointment. You have every right to cry, sob and be angry.

But, at the end of it, remember that your body is a wonderfully complex and nearly magical thing--even during infertility. Cry it out, be sad and/or depressed and then pick yourself up again and continue treating yourself with the utmost care and love.

After all, it is that sometimes frustrating body which can one day magically make us a baby if we are lucky. I think its easy to forget we are much more than our fertility--please don't forget it!

Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way during this tough time.

xoxo Elise Mac

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to EliseMac

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Sorry for my late response. Yesterday was awful. I cried until I had no tears and then cried some more. Although it still feels so raw today. I’m going to try and pick myself up, be nicer to myself and reframe some of these dark thoughts.

Wishing you all the very best xxx

EliseMac
EliseMac in reply to Janop79

You are so welcome. There are dark days and light days in this journey we are on.

I read a quote yesterday after I posted my reply and it made me think of your post, "The cure for pain is in the pain." It is by Rumi. I think it is so incredibly powerful and on-point.

Here is an interesting link which digs deeper into its meaning yoga-anatomy.com/pain-part-...

I hope today is a better day for you.

xoxo Elise Mac

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to EliseMac

So on point! I really like this.

Thanks for the link. I’ll have a read now.

Today was slightly better thanks. Still incredibly sad but managed to keep myself distracted with work.

Thanks again x

I'm so so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about being scared and the fear of not being a mother and fear of the future, I feel it too. Sending huge hugs xx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to LCharlton

Thank you. It’s so tough isn’t it? Up until yesterday, I had managed to bury those thoughts but now they’re back as strong and overpowering as ever. Going to try to keep them in check today. That’s my aim for today. Wishing you all the best xxx

Sending you love and hugs! ❤️❤️ xxx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to LMC2020

Thank you!

Congratulations on your little miracle by the way. Such lovely news xxx

LMC2020
LMC2020 in reply to Janop79

Thank you! ❤️

I have been where you are and have felt exactly the same. I have shed so many tears too. During our ICIS we lost more than half of our eggs over night. They didn’t survive fertilisation. When I started IVF I only ever in my head got to egg collection but I never ever considered the pain of waiting for the embryologists phone calls. This is only something us IVF girls can relate to!

Please don’t ever loose hope. From my experience, our chances of conceiving naturally were incredibly low. ❤️❤️

None of this is your fault , nothing you’ve done as caused this you need to be a bit easier on yourself ivf is hard and it always throws up emotions that you don’t wanna have to deal with but you do.

For me I found having to decide to do donor egg ivf more stressful than actually doing the ivf - different to your situation of course but I had to grieve the fact I couldn’t use my own eggs before I could move forward so I totally understand how you feel right now when it’s failed :(

Big hugs

Awww honey, I'm so sorry! I know how it feels to go through the prep of a cycle and have nothing to transfer at the end. Its heartbreaking, just cry and get it all out! I think we put so much pressure on ourselves in this shitty journey, it's hard not to be mad at our bodies when they wont do what we need them to!! It might not be something you want to consider at the moment but the drive for me to move to donor eggs was the fact I wanted to be a mum and at least that way I had a decent shot. Sending love and hugs!! PM me anytime if you want to chat!xxx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Cinderella5

Thank you for your message. My God, it’s tough. Yesterday was such an awful day filled with such dark thoughts. Thoughts I’ve not had in a while. It still feels raw but going to try and pick myself up today.

I’ve considered donor eggs but my fiancé doesn’t like the idea of it. He’d rather we just go straight to adoption. We have one cycle left so... let’s see.

Hope you’re doing OK? xxx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to Janop79

Its not a nice place to be in but hopefully you will feel brighter in a few days. I just wanted to float the idea of DE but completely understand that its not for everyone! Have you tried DHEA at all?xxx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Cinderella5

I hope so.

I would consider DE and if it comes to it, I’d have to address it with my fiancé again.

I did buy DHEA but then stopped taking it when I read that it should be micronised. Also read about some of the side effects which concerned me a little but maybe I should start again...

I’m due to start the next cycle towards end of June but thinking of taking a one month break although I know the doctor isn’t keen because of my age...aaargh! Why does it all have to be so hard :(

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to Janop79

Well you can take your time and see what happens next, its always good to look ahead. I took DHEA and didnt suffer too much side effects. For me it was almost like a last resort. Why not ask your clinic about it and get their views? I reckon if you took it and postponed for a month that would be enough time.xx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Cinderella5

I asked them and they said that they couldn’t advise me to or not to but I’m going to start taking it from today. I think the idea of postponing for a month is a good one too. I have a consultation with the doc this week so will do has with him then.

Thank you xx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5 in reply to Janop79

Hope you're feeling a little brigher today! My NHS clinic said it was worth a shot when we had our failed cycles and that was a few years ago. Defo think its worth a shot and if it doesnt agree with you then you can always stop it! I was at the point of what have I got to lose when we had nothing to transfer first time around! CoQ10/Ubiquinol is another good one to try if you havent already done so. Good luck.xx

So sad for you - you are allowed to collapse, every stage of this horrible thing is so difficult and you have invested so much. I have no words for wisdom but take some time and you will feel better gradually I promise - but no rush - you are grieving lost hope and a missed chance xx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Daisy1245

Thank you so much for your message. Still feels so raw today but I’ve told myself that I can’t allow myself to feel that bad today. It was truly awful and I can’t do it to myself. It won’t be easy but I have to try. Hoping I feel better soon.

I’ve read some of your posts and can see that you’ve had a really tough time of it too. I’m so sorry. I really hope it work out for you. Wishing you all the best xxx

I’m so sorry that you are going through this, I had failed cycle and it’s hard. Only the ones been through IVF, could gets how difficult and challenging it is. I honestly wish I could tell you something to help. Sending you lots of love, hope you feel better soon. Xx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Mara84

Thank you for your message. It’s so hard. It still feels raw and I woke up mentally exhausted but coming on here and reading all the lovely messages has helped. Today I’m going to try and pick myself up and keep distracted as much as I can.

I can see from yours posts that you’ve had a tough time it too. We really deserve a happy ending don’t we? Wishing you all the best xxx

Mara84
Mara84 in reply to Janop79

Good dear, just look after yourself. We all had a tough time and deserve our rainbow babies for sure. Feel free to message me if you wanted to talk to someone. Xxx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Mara84

Thank you! I will x

Sending lots of love your way. Don't hate yourself, you have done everything you can, sometimes there are things we just can't control no matter how hard we try! Xxx

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to User20

Thank you for your message. I suppose that’s one of the hardest parts of all this, the uncertainty and not being able to control the outcome. I’ll try my best to work on getting rid of that self-hate, starting today.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Hi Janop79,

I felt as though I was writing your post.😢Wish I could make you feel better just know that everyone here feels it with you.🤗

Louise

Xxxx😘

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to LouiseRB

Hi Louise,

Thank you for your message. It really does help to have the support on here. It’s helped me so much this morning. Woke up feeling so sad. Yesterday was awful. Don’t ever want to feel that bad again. Going to try and pick myself up today or at least be kinder to myself.

From your posts, I can see you’re having a tough time too. I’m so sorry for you. We really do deserve a happy ending! Praying that we all get it.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Thank you so much for your response. Sorry for the delay. Yesterday was awful. The thoughts I had are probably the darkest I’ve had in a while.

I’m going to try and be kinder to myself today. I have to be I think because I can’t keep beating myself up. I know it’s not good for me.

We have one cycle left so will need to pick myself up for that.

Sounds like you had a stressful time of it too but glad to see you’re in a much better place now.

Thanks again xxx

Please know that despite this heartbreak and sadness things will turn around and you will get through this time.

Not only are you terribly disappointed your hormones are all over the place.

It’s the same as when it doesn’t work,

mine didn’t work back in March week of lockdown and my other one didn’t make it to being frozen i was stuck no partner, not able to get to clinic I felt stuck and so low.

I had a very bad few days too also with very sad thoughts I’m doing it alone and felt like giving up.

Few months on and my periods aren’t much trouble and my hormones feel balanced and I can think clearly.

You will find this hang on in there it’s really sad time for you but you will make it through.

The sadness needs to come out please be kind to yourself right now and when you can dry those tears.

Try get some fresh air, eat some nice food and a nice salt bath if you can.

You will feel better soon and only then can you think clearer about the next steps.

Good luck and try not to be so hard on yourself

🙏💙

Thank guy so much for your message.

Of course! Hadn’t even considered the fact that my hormones are over the place. It would have amplified everything two fold!

You’re incredibly brave for going it alone. I also did this myself 3 years ago so I can relate to this too. Glad to read that you’re able to think more clearly now.

I’m going to focus on being kinder to myself this week. I’ll allow myself to grieve but try and keep as positive as possible.

Wishing you all the best for your next cycle xxx

Mirroring what everyone else has said, you’re not alone in feeling this way and be kind to yourself.

It will all feel very raw right now but the best thing you can do is let yourself grieve, it is a huge loss and you are entitled to feel that way. You are completely normal for feeling how you do, I remember very similar thoughts and feelings with my own experiences. It does get better with time. There will still be days when it comes back and is difficult to manage, and other days where you don’t think about it at all but just be kind to yourself, and know you are really not alone in this at all. There’s a whole network of women here who will support you if you ever need to talk, please don’t forget that, we are here for you 💛

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to saraht23

Thank you so much for your kind message.

It means so much that you and so many others have taken the time to and has certainly helped me not feel so alone.

This week I want to try and be a lot kinder to myself because I’ve probably been my own worst enemy for a while.

I’m so sorry for your recent loss.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Hello my lovely, it wasn't too long ago when I was crying my heart out too. Nobody told me this journey would be this difficult. It is surely a lot of endure and hard to pick yourself up when the one thing you want so much in life is always put of bounds. Give yourself a good couple of days to cry, it is ok and vent as much as you like. There is always another month and another cycle to look forward to. Big big hug my lovely...

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to LisaHarada

Thank you so much for your message.

My God! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. This journey. I almost scared about putting myself through it again.

I was so so low yesterday so today I kept myself distracted with work and listened to some Inspirational and funny podcasts. My aim for this week is to pick myself up and be kinder to myself.

I can see from you posts that you’re having a difficult time of it too. How wonderful would it be for us to get our happy ending soon!

Wishing you the best xxx

LisaHarada
LisaHarada in reply to Janop79

That would be a lovely miracle. Let's pick ourselves up and try again :)

Oh dear I can imagine your feelings.. I had failed ICSI thrice n then I conceived naturally afterwards.. So don't feel bad about yourself.. There is still hope OK, be calm n patient, you will be a mother soonest.. We are here for you Darling

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to joiamadi

Thanks for your kind message.

Wow that’s amazing. I’ve always had thus small hope that we would conceive naturally but my fiancé has low sperm count and motility and I have a low ovarian reserve so I’m aware that are chances of this happening aren’t high... :(

I’m going to try and be calm, relax and not put too much pressure on myself and the whole process.

Hope you and the family are well xxx

joiamadi
joiamadi in reply to Janop79

We are well sis.. You need not put pressure on yourself sis. You still got cycles upon cycles to go through another process, though I must say not easy but God will see u through... Worrying won't help u get a positive result. Am sure the next process will be successful.. My regards

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to joiamadi

Aw thank you! Just what I needed to hear at this minute. I’m in bed (was meant to be having an early night ha!) and I know once I put my phone down, I’ll have to deal with all the negative thoughts again.

Thanks again xx

Very sorry. . . but stress, upset isn't going to help.

The hormones you have taken will have made you like this. Tell yourself that there were abnormalities. This was a positive thing that you weren't carrying a child with mental or physical issues or perhaps die within the process or at birth.

Don't beat yourself up, remember you are lucky you have a child. I haven't!

You need to put perspective on your thoughts.

Calm down. Be kind to yourself and don't become fixed on what happened.

Keep your mind in the present. Tell your brain this is OK, stay in the positive. Everytime you start to think about this matter, change your thinking to sometime else positive, perhaps a happy memory of a holiday, or something simple like the sound of the sea or the breeze on your face.

The sooner you start be subjective, the sooner you will be thinking about many other things for the future.

The past is the past we can not fix it, there is no blame.

Today and tomorrow is where your thoughts should stay.

You can change your mindset, you can tell your brain you are not going to except these negative thoughts.

Remember you control your brain not your brain controls you!

My warm wishes and a hug to strengthen u.

x

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to JOSANDY40

You’re right! Stress isn’t going to help. Yesterday was such an low point and I can’t allow myself to sink that low again esp when I still have one more cycle left. My aim for this week is to try and remain in the present as much as possible.

Unfortunately I don’t have a child yet. Perhaps you’re confusing me with some else? I say yet because I’ve decided to remain hopeful that I will one day!

Wishing you all the best xxx

Ah bless you. I know how you feel my final attempt last October also ended with one abnormal egg, I had severe depression for several months afterwards, when I spoke to my doctor he said I was grieving and he listened to me rant and rave about the unfairness of it all for 30 minutes. Afterwards I felt alot better, and i have slowly picked up the pieces of my shattered dreams ever since.

Take one day at a time and dont blame yourself.

It just wasn't to be.

Sending hugs xxxx

Thank you for your message. I managed to keep myself busy with work today but still feel so low. Trying so hard to not think about it too much as it just ends up with finding new ways to blame myself or occasionally my partner too.

Sending you huge hugs too and wishing you all the best xxx

Hello my dear so sorry for all you have been through.

Who are we to question God, but at the same time God's time is the best.

God will not forsake you. HE will perform miracles that will shock you.

You will testify God's work in your life.

Plsssss don't forget SUPPLEMENTS before or after ivf. Have you thought of it happening naturally when you least expected? That was my story.

May God restore happiness in your life and give you the cause to smile again. It will end in praise. I distracted myself with my job as a healthcare assistant so as to give my mind and body the chance to heal after failed ivfs.

Don't give up. God knows you deserve to be a MUM. Hugs.

Janop79
Janop79 in reply to Mary80

Thank you for your kind message. I’ve just seen it now and it’s the pick me up I needed right now.

I have thought about it happening naturally. My partner has low sperm count and motility so I know our chances are very slim but I’ll keep hoping!

Hope you are well x

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