I feel so lost.

[Smp25]

Ladies,

I just don't know how to feel.

You'll need to read my previous posts to get the full picture here, I don't think I have enough energy to explain again.

I'm normally so positive, such a 'it is what it is' person but lately I'm lost.

I feel like I go on and on at my circle, depressing them every time I walk into a room, although they've told me I'm stupid for thinking that.

I've wanted to be a mum since I was 19 - I'm 28 next month and it's just draining I suppose.

This site is consistent with support and that's why I come here, reading all your stories regarding your stages of IVF and I'm yet to start it, because my cervix is not healthy enough. I have to have surgery next week to fix it and all I can think of is how much the cannula going into my hand is going to hurt like the last time. stupid right? on the grand scheme of it all.

Life is so unfair ladies, I'll pull myself out of this pity party soon but right now my head seems to be doing over time x

[Tigr]

It sounds like you are possibly slipping into an episode of depression and it would be great if you could find a councellor to talk to - the earlier the better. If you feel like you are depressing the people that are normally your support, seeking professional help seems important because you probably are starting to put distance between you and your support network. This journey, infertility in whatever form, is hard and you do need the people around you to support you and feel you are not alone in this! Sometimes all of this sucks, sometimes we are running out of energy, we all do. Other people do, maybe because of other issues than infertility, but they do. It happens, you are not alone and you will get through this. Hope things will get better for you and your surgery goes well!

[Smp25 in reply to Tigr]

Thanks Tigr xx

Perhaps you're right, I have quite a high profile job and I can't afford to be distracted.

My friends, family and husband are great, but lately I've noticed myself snapping at them for small things. Maybe I should seek some help.

I'm still fun, I go out and enjoy myself and all we do is laugh yet there's a sense of emptiness that I feel too.

Admitting you need help I'm finding is certainly more difficult than the actual help itself. thanks for your lovely words xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. The first thing I would say is I am not surprised! You have been through so much and it must just feel like there is always a hurdle in the way, and actually you just want to feel like you are doing something positive towards TTC and you can't even do that at the moment, so you are just kind of left drifting.. it must be so hard.

I am not sure if you have told many people about TTC etc. I can only reflect on my own situation which is basically about 2 people know and they have zero concept of the trials and tribulations someone goes through, and then to add all your other things you are going through onto that - it must be so difficult as it must feel like no one gets it. I know what you mean about laughing and going out and having fun - I think if you asked my friends they would say I am the fun one, the one who has no worries or troubles in life, the one who laughs the most and the one who helps everyone else through their crises because I dont have any of my own. Its a soul destroying place to be, and I want to scream at people sometimes you have no idea what I am going through... and yours is so much worse.

I agree with Tigr it sounds like things are slipping a bit, but I don't know what the solution is. Counselling is a great idea but I know what you mean about accepting the need for help.. I have never been great with counselling, I've tried it twice but just ended up putting on a jolly front because I felt awks opening up so I think both counsellors left feeling like I was fine and I found it a complete waste of time. I did find someone recently who was happy to support via email and I found that much easier as I could open my heart without feeling the need to cheer everyone up - so it was quite cathartic a couple of times but again I felt like I should just man up so stopped. Maybe it is to do with jobs because I am like you and have quite a high profile job where there are no excuses and basically everyone else is a bloke so they don't understand anyway. I never wanted this career - I wanted to be a mum and yet at 42 I am still not - so 100% get how you feel on that front.

I am rambling now, I am not sure thats any help (maybe the email support rather than face to face is easier next step? I can share details via PM)? I guess I just wanted to say whilst the challenges you are facing are clearly so much more difficult than mine, you really aren't alone and loads of us on here will do all we can to help you through all of this. Hugest of hugs xxx

[Smp25 in reply to Hidden]

I'm in tears reading your reply - thank you so much xx

My best friend broke my heart the other day because she made a video of her son for his second birthday and refused to let me see it because she didn't want to hurt me. I don't want that, I don't want people hiding things from me because they think I'll be hurt, what I'm going through is absolutely no ones fault.

From your reply, I'm guessing you've read my full posts?

There is a constant hurdle in my way, I can't even tell you how close I am to just quitting this journey and opting for adoption. My husband doesn't even want to hear me say that though, he constantly pushes for me to be stronger, everyone always praises me on my dignity and integrity of how I handle all the adversity but my husband knows it's a load of rubbish and I end up sitting in the bath crying my eyes out. I'm annoyed at myself because I'm so much stronger than I'm allowing myself to be at the moment. I'm frustrated and guilty and just outright pissed off.

This group is fantastic, it's overwhelming the support that we all receive from here.

I've been in touch with support groups that run locally, I might give it a try, people on the outside of my life knowing my story might be better.

Like you, my job is high profile. I'm medical myself so one little slip and it could be the difference between life or death, I've been advised to have some time off but I'd sit on my sofa and eat all the dairy milk in the world whilst watching tear jerking films - it's the opposite to what I need.

My temper is shorter these days - I definitely need to do something because I am not myself.

Sending hugs back, thank you xxxx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Smp. Oh my poor girl! You need to look forward to your surgery, as it is going to sort you out in readiness for fertility treatment. When you go to the hospital/clinic, tell them what a tough time you had during canulation last time, and maybe they can use a different type of canula. Hopefully the anaethetist will be better this time. Hope all goes well. Thinking of you. Diane

[cggregory]

Oh, love, you have really been through it. And you never have to apologize for feeling low or disappointed, even if you’re generally a positive person. Your emotions are valid.

I don’t have much wisdom to impart as I’m grappling with this rollercoaster, too. But a few things that have helped me:

- finding a counsellor who specializes in infertility. This has been a lifesaver. The BICA has a directory if that’s helpful.

- following @missconceptioncoach on Instagram. She posts a lot about navigating interpersonal relationships whilst going through infertility. I’ve found her account to be a huge comfort.

- being open with the people in my life about my situation and my boundaries (the above account has helped with that)

This group has also been a huge help to me...an alternative to just screaming into the void. Know that you have thousands of us thinking of you and cheering you on❤️

[ttcemmie]

Hi my love. Have just read your other post and wanted to say how strong I think you are for managing to get through all of this, and to not worry that you're down because who wouldn't be after all that? You don't have to be strong all the time. Can 100% understand about wanting to be a mum. I've wanted to be one for as long as I can remember - from being a young child! And I've been with my husband for 10 years now so really thought we'd have completed our family by now. Would never have imagined the journey and all the setbacks would take this long (well longer than this actually as we haven't had a child yet). Sending my love and letting me know I'm thinking of you. xxxx

Also very specific, but cannula-wise: I always ask to have it my arm as I detest it in my hand. It freaks me out and I find it painful.