There’s some feeling of hopelessness here but I want to share my story, hoping that one day it will bring hope and comfort to other women in my position.
It seems like since 2017, my body has just done me over, not co-operated, let me down, you name it….
In 2017 I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, Ok, a lot of women have them, they’re more common than we think – I can deal with this. Turns out, I didn’t deal with it as well as I thought I could.
After the initial shock of losing a child, losing a fallopian tube and, losing a lot of blood which resulted in almost losing my own life – I was left with just my own thoughts. ‘’why did this happen?’’ ‘’could I have prevented it?’’ ‘’Is this Karma for undertaking someone on a one way street a few years ago?’’ ‘’Why did I survive but my child didn’t?’’ all these questions that were swimming around in my head whilst I can’t move after my operation, it made me realise that the answers to these questions are all the same: There is no answer. It took a while, but I came to terms with it, I managed to forgive myself and I managed to move on with my life.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a knock-on effect. My anxiety about being pregnant seemed to come from nowhere… constantly petrified that I would die, since 2017 I must have taken at least 50+ pregnancy tests and sometimes I didn’t believe the first test I took, so I ended up taking 2 more in the space of one week. Psychotic you may ask? Absolutely, I’m fully aware of how neurotic I’d become.
After a while, we decided to try again, I’ve still got one remaining fallopian tube, how hard could it be? Hahahahaha – sorry, I laughed out loud at the prospect of that.
It wasn’t happening, and it wasn’t long before I started to realise something wasn’t right. I was in constant pain with my stomach, every month I would have my heart up the day before I was due my period and my periods were just something else, I couldn’t move during them.
I did probably the worst thing I could do in this instance, I went to the infamous internet, googled my symptoms, scrolled passed the part where it said I had 3 days to live and came across an article about Endometriosis, a disease that women don’t tend to talk about or get enough recognition for, it’s crippling, puts lives on hold and it’s not taken serious enough, back pain, stomach pain, bad periods, vomiting, associated with ectopic pregnancies – surely not? Really?
I went to see my GP in April 2018, explained my symptoms, he immediately referred be up the hospital for an ultrasound and internal scan. 6 months later I get my appointment – internal looks normal but my left ovary seems a little larger than it should, nothing to worry about right?
I was referred from that point to the Gynaecology department.
Fast forward to Jan 2019 where I finally got to see my gynaecologist, who in-fact was the woman who saved my life in 2017. She decided it was best for me to have an operation, to see what was going on inside – wonderful- more surgery.
I was put on the waiting list for a laparoscopic operation later that year but in the meantime, I’ve received a letter to go for my annual smear, oh great, more results to wait for.
My results came back as abnormal and I was referred up to Gynae (AGAIN) for a Colposcopy.
I was told that I have low grade CIN on my cervix which doesn’t cause for alarm and they will monitor it, come back in 12 months for another smear – wicked – see ya.
So, my operation date comes around quicker than expected, there I am in a day case ward waiting to be put to sleep, Mother of an ex in the next bed (Chances though?) and the most gorgeous hospital socks ever. No, really I looked FIT!
I woke up, freeeeeeezing from the anaesthetic, asking to watch Peter Pan apparently. My Surgeon soon popped her head in to see how I was and to let me know that Endometriosis took over the left side of my reproductive organs, worked as a kind of glue and stuck my ovary to my womb – lush.
She assured me that she had removed all the adhesions and separated my organs from the cuddle party they were attending. I was discharged and told to come back to Gynae for a 6 month follow up.
So, in the meantime, my 12 month time is up and I need to have a repeated smear – abnormal- again, back to Gynae I go, at this point I can tell you how the Gynae ward was built, I can tell you the colour of the skirting boards and tell you that the 3rd toilet needs a touch of paint. Honest I might as well move in.
So along I go again to another colposcopy but hey, it’s good news – my low grade cells have turned to borderline abnormal cells so I have some improvement. Sorry, what? Good news? Woohooo I’m absolutely elated at this news. My Nurse decides to take a small biopsy as we have been referred for IVF and it will help our case. 6-8 weeks for the results and I can then be discharged back to my GP for smears every 3 years – RESULT!
My follow up appointment after my op went smoothly, my surgeon told me she’d referred us for IVF and it was just a waiting game now. I was so excited, finally everything was okay and we’re on the waiting list but no, yet again my body fails me and I’m told that my biopsy results have come back and I need treatment on my cervix, which is going to delay IVF.
Our IVF doctor won’t even entertain us with an appointment unless I’m discharged back to my GP which the hospital are unable to do… so Lettz or a cone biopsy is needed on Monday.
Then I’ll have to wait another 6 months before I can be re-screened to see if it works and only then, will I be able to be discharged back to my GP.
At this point, if I don’t laugh then I’ll just cry.
Honest to god, I must have been a psychotic, sociopathic murderer in my previous life.
BUT, it is what it is, maybe I’ll get to see an IVF specialist before menopause? Fingers crossed.knowing my luck I’ll end up one day having quadruplets – mark my words.
2 failed with OE so trying final attempt with DE , wish us luck 
Anyone had luck following an ERA?
When will our luck ever change 😔
Starting again - please send me your best wishes 
Poor fertilisation rate - Bad luck or something else?
