One Year Later...

[PurpleLove19]

I’ve not posted on here for what feels like forever. I just got bored of hearing myself moan/rant about the same things. It wasn’t helping me and it’s certainly didn’t solve anything so I decided to go into hiding until I had something positive to say.

Last time I posted I had just had my LOOP procedure to removed pre cancerous cells. I had a letter back from the hospital to say that they have discharged me and that I just need to go for another smear in 6 months, unless I’m pregnant and then it will be after, fingers crossed eh.

So since starting work in a new environment, new people and new routine I have found myself to be in a much better place mentally. I miss my support network that I left behind but kinda like working with people who know nothing about me or my fertility. I have only told the people who need to know and it seems that there are a few women in the building that have been through this journey so I feel I am not alone. Pregnancies aren’t made a massive fuss about, which was something I struggled with at my last job, and the day is so busy I don’t allow myself time to mope and moan about it all. I can leave at an earlier time and don’t have to take work home so my work/life balance is perfect.

I’ve started to make small home improvements which have made me feel happy and started mindfulness. Even my husband has started it with me and it’s helping us.

So when my period arrived a couple of weeks ago, I debated whether to ring the clinic. The excuses in my head were, should I leave it another month to be double safe I’m healed down there? Is it the right time as my auntie has just passed away? Am I too busy at work?

But I decided it would be what my auntie would have wanted. She never had children, she would say we never stopped trying but it just didn’t happen. When she passed away my first thought was, she is never going to see me be a mum! I was angry. Then I realised that the one person that I had that truly understood me was no longer there. I started to feel guilty that our infertility had affected my mental health that I couldn’t bring myself to spend time with my family, including her. I started to see that life is too precious and short and that I needed to stop and just go for it.

I rang the clinic and they told me to start my 2 weeks of nasal sprays this Wednesday- which is the day of my aunties funeral. I can’t help but see that this is a sign, it was meant to be and that it’s right. We had our first consultation at the clinic a year ago now and I can’t believe how long it’s taken but how quick it’s also gone. How much my life has changed and my mindset. Just goes to show that life has a funny way of knowing what’s best at what time.

So I can’t believe I am saying this but we are finally starting our 1st ICSI cycle and I am full of emotions, nervous more than anything, excited and hopeful. I will be taking each day as it comes. I will listen to my body and do what makes me happy. I will try my best to not get ahead of myself with excitement but I think there needs to be some or what’s the point?

I don’t know what’s going to happen with work. I seem to be able to just get on with things and my days just fly by but the demands of the children are much more challenging and I am worried I won’t be able to be in and out as well as keeping sane for the kids. I will wait until I begin my second lot of hormones (sorry still don’t know the lingo) before I decide if I go and get a sick note. A couple of colleagues have said that I should have a sick note from beginning the injections as you’re in and out for daily scans and then it’s egg collection but I’m going to just see what happens when I get to that stage. Either way I’m putting myself first. I’ve managed to keep up a front whilst grieving and to be honest I’m no better thought of so I will just do what’s best for me.

x

[Drives]

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for your cycle 🤞🏻🍀

It sounds like you've made some prealt time to focus on yourself over these last months and I really hope it pays off for you.

Take care x x

[MrsH17]

Hi Dace,

Sounds like you did all the right things to get yourself in a good place and the best mental state to start the journey again.

Sorry to hear your aunt passed away.

I hope you get the outcome you wish for 💞

Sending you lots of hugs 🤗 xxx

[MissSaoPaulo]

Really pleased to see you're finally starting the cycle and it's great that you're doing so well in yourself, well done for making the changes you needed to get yourself in a better place. Best of luck with the cycle xxx

[Hidden]

Oh what a journey. But it does sound like you are now in a much better place mentally and physically. Wishing you all the very best xx

[jenny34]

What a moving post. I cried reading some of this. It sounds like you have a great deal in place and some good scaffolding to help you in the coming weeks. Mindfulness is a great skill to have during this process. Plus a job it sounds like you enjoy and where pregnancies are no big deal; perfect. I had/have a similar job and it was flexible so I didnt actually need time off until egg collection (clinic was near work also). Wishing you all the luck and strength in the world xxx

[RhinoCat]

Nice to hear you’re in a better place in your head and are learning to put yourself first 💐💖

Massive hugs as you begin this journey , it’s a tricky one, but we are all right behind you! You can do it 😘💖💐

[ttcemmie]

Best wishes for your cycle. You sound like you're in a good place and I wholeheartedly agree with you to "do what's best for [you]". Thanks for the positive post, and I'm really wishing you the best. xxx

[Keepingfaith85]

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. I'm sure she would be so proud of the way you are tackling this; getting your work life more manageable, working on your mental health before starting ivf, it's so important and takes a lot to reach the point where you are ready.

It's great that you are in a better place and able to put yourself first. With ivf you have to be extra kind to yourself which is hard to do at times but also the outcome is so worth it.

Wishing you loads of luck and this forum will always be here to support you 💕🍀💕🍀

[Shelleybean]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Aunt and just wanted to wish you lots of luck for your upcoming cycle. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to get yourself to better place, so well done and you definitely deserve some luck 🍀💕 xx