I am on my third cycle. This time alone, using a sperm donor.
I am on my 8th day of stims and really struggling with mixed emotions: Will the child resent not having a father? What if the donor lied during his application and there are issues? Did I pick the right donor? What if I picked the wrong one?
How will I deal with stigma? Will my child be disadvantaged?
I grew up in a divorced family and know how hard it is to be without a dad. I also looked on Facebook and saw all these groups created by donor children that resent their parent and are looking for their "father" or "sibling"....it made me really worried.
Is this the hormones, or do I have reason to be concerned?
I would love to hear from other women doing this solo.
Hello Anna, how are you doing? I am 'doing this solo' too and am 5 weeks pregnant following ICSI with a donor. Are you aware of the 'The Stork and I mum tribe' group on Facebook? Lots of single mothers by choice! Hope you are feeling a bit more positive. x
I think choosing the donor was the hardest decision I have made and I was relieved once the decision was made.
However, now my eggs are about to be fertilised with the donor, I am really worried. I can't see his adult photo and I am imagining all kinds of awful scenarios (is he suitable? What if he is awful?!)
Yes I did and sometimes still do. It's a strange feeling and scenario that is hard to describe to others who aren't or haven't been through it. However I decided not to go through a bank that would give me too much info and photos (as some do) because I didn't want an image in my head of what the donor looks like.
My EC is on Wednesday (depending on how the eggs grow).
I am on day 9 of stimulation, so very aware that I have lots of hormones running through my body.
Did you get an anonymous donor through the clinic? Is that how you got the donor?
I never expected to feel this way. I keep thinking about the donor not being good enough, or really ugly (!!) and worried about the potential child hating me (!) for not giving them a father.
I am all over the place...
xx
• in reply to
I am even thinking about changing the donor last-minute because I am obsessing he won't be good enough and keep trying to imagine our genes together.....argh. This is insane.
Yes I used a donor from the clinic rather than a bank. How have you got your donor?
I suppose it's the unknown, isn't it? Not knowing what physical traits the baby/ child will have. Have you looked at the Donor Conception Network page? dcnetwork.org/
They have lots of support groups/ information etc.
All the meds and hormones wont be helping how you are feeling! Not long to go though till Wednesday! Its so nice to stop the medication! x
Hi Anna. Having been a donor nearly thirty years ago, even then there was a lot of vetting and face time with several persons at the sperm bank. I can only imagine that now the vetting is more exhaustive. If I had been questionable in manner or appearance I don’t think they would have taken me on. And the other fellows who I saw in the clinic all looked like successful sorts and had good manners (and handsome features). I think if a sperm bank accepted donations from men who were not likely to make happy good-looking babies, then their reputation would suffer. I think there are enough willing donors that the sperm banks can choose to advocate for their customers by choosing the best that come through their doors.
btw good for you for going for it! If you’re a good mum that’s all your child needs.
Just reading your post and I have to say I have the upmost respect for you. I can imagine how scary this all must be.
The thought of doing it alone has definitely crossed my mind due to the fact me and partner are just not getting on anymore. Mainly because of the stresses that this journey has put on us.
It’s just hard to make that break - the fear of the unknown and deep desire to have a child.
But it’s people like you that give me the confidence.
I really really hope this all works out for you 🙏🏽
Where do you live? Xxx
I would try joining different Facebook groups such as Solo mums by choice UK it will help you to feel less alone. I am solo mum to a 2 month old it is hard work but it is really rewarding. To be honest being a solo mum and being on the path to become one I found to be an amazing journey.
Hi Anna, is your husband no longer having involvement? I thought you were choosing a donor because of problems with his sperm but have things changed for you?
I am doing this cycle alone because my partner’s sperm has DNA damage and we don’t get any blastocysts. Nothing to transfer.
I am trying with a donor and he has been completely absent. He hasn’t called me once. He is working abroad and just left me two voicenotes in 10 days whilst I have been on treatment.
I am heartbroken that he just doesn’t care. So, I have told him I will just do this alone.
I feel alone, I am alone. So why not just be alone?
This is the hardest thing I have gone through and he isn’t there for me. He won’t do counselling, won’t mention the word “donor”, doesn’t want to see any profiles, ignores me when I do my injections.
My dad is the one who has been here for me - helping me inject every day. Making me food. Where is my fiancé? Abroad at work without even calling me.
What’s the point? 💔
His priority is his job, it’s never been to have a child.
X
• in reply to
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This does change things a bit though. How will he react if you get pregnant? How would he respond to a baby/child? It sounds like there is a lot to think about here and sort through. I wouldn't necessarily just press on regardless, unless you feel the relationship is coming to an end. Can you tell him couples counselling is non-negotiable for you? It's normal for men to feel many mixed emotions around using donor sperm, but I do think you need to address what's happening in the relationship at the moment. You can't marry someone who isn't going to be a good parent to a child due to the circumstances of their birth, and won't support you through a pregnancy/child-rearing.
Hi Anna, so sorry to hear you’re having a a difficult time with your other half, this is hard enough as it is!
As you know I made the decision to do this alone - hoping to have FET soon and yes I do often worry if the donor is the right choice but as time has passed all I know is that I want a baby so much that it actually doesn’t matter. When choosing you looked at so much and even more things than you would have with your current partner - it can be completely over thought!
I’m sure you’ve made the right decision so try not to worry so much. Once you receive that BFP all you will think about is the health of your baby and the happiness it will bring you.
There is nothing worse than being with someone and feeling alone so I think be strong and do what is right for you and the baby.
Hi there. After 3 failed IUIs Im now 16 weeks pregnant and all my worries have moved into the health of baby rather than father related questions (although I know they are important). I'm part of an online SMBC group and find it so helpful- you should join one. I've announced the pregnancy and everyone has been amazingly positive. I still need to figure out a few official lines but thinking long term ie dont want to say one thing to family and another to the child as the truth will always come out. I had one doubt about the father when pregnant (unwarranted) but think it was hormones and general pregnancy anxiety. The way I see it, I was drawn to him and even used him again after failed IUIs so figured it was meant to be if I ended up with him and got pregnant. Destiny! You'll drive yourself mad overthinking it. I just went with gut. And now hes my babys father and I'm so grateful. Best of luck with your journey and fair play taking the brave step. I'm glad I did. I know ill manage this well and deal whatever life throws my way after they're born. I'm not disillusioned, just trying to be positive as I will be dealing with many things in the future.
I’m not going solo but there was a point earlier this year where my husband couldn’t cope with continuing ivf and I told him I was continuing regardless. We had therapy and got back on track.
I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome for doing this. There is an Instagram account called @definingmum by a woman who used donor eggs and talking about how she talks to her young children etc it might be worth following her.
I also wanted to say, for a man to donate his sperm he must be a kind and generous person. Anxieties always make us feel the worst and it is perfectly natural for you to have anxieties around this. I have had a lot of therapy for anxiety. Maybe you could see your clinic’s counsellor. When thinking the worst, keep asking yourself, “what else could happen?” until all scenarios are covered including the positive. Maybe your child’s donor is so smart that your child will be smarter than you and you’ll be learning from them. Maybe your child’s donor is really good at sport and your child will become an Olympic athlete.
Another way I have coped with all the what ifs around ivf is to think “at this moment in time, everything is ok”. trust that your first decision was the right decision for you.
Keep going. You are strong, you are brave and you will get pregnant.
Hi, I’m not doing it solo, but I have used a sperm donor. What are these sites called? I would be interested to see what children of sperm donors are saying, to prepare myself more than anything of what may be said. I’ve always had a plan of how I will talk to my son when the time comes, but there may be things I may not of thought about!!! Thanks 😊
Not doing it solo but using a donor. Infertility is a medical condition so we are viewing donation as such. If you needed ao organ you would not stress about donor. We have bern advised to tell child from young age so they don't get shock later in life. We will be starting with mummy & daddy wanted you so much. I think as long as you are open eith child they won't resent you for giving them life x
I've done 3 rounds of ivf with sperm donor, 1 failed, 2 lost, 1 at 4 months, and another at 7 months.
So my next round will be in the new year. This time round, I'm using donor embryos.
I'll be doing this round in india, donors will also be indian. So not only am I going solo, but I'm also going to have a baby with no blood connection, to top it off we will be completely different nationalities.
So I'll have a lot of questions to answer if this works.
For me, its 1 moment at a time..
I was worried what people would say, how I would react. I have discovered with all of the hard, comes a life, where my baby will be surrounded by love.
I'm not saying that it won't be hard, it's about taking one step at a time.
I have a great support network. I hope you do too..
It’s too early to think about that I don’t want to be awful but this is all added stress to the pregnancy get through each stage 1st I assure you your child won’t resent you plenty single mums out there
Hi anna i am a single mum to a little girl who is 18 weeks and i used a spam doner i made the decision for me to do it alone but with help from family and friends but during my pregnancy i was up and down with it so i decided to right a letter to my little girl explaining how and why i made the decision and that she would not be loved any less and when she is old enough to understand i will give hur the letter and if she wants to make up a story of how she does not have a dad she has that chance and i now know i made the right decision for me and i have to stand by that i hope this helps best of luck xxx
Hi Anna. I agree with you that it is difficult to live without father or any other sibling. However, I think that your affection will do some relief to your child. I hope all the things get well soon in your favor. Sending a lot of good wishes your way. Stay Blessed.
I went through a cycle of IVF in the fall on my own. Unfortunately, the transfer didn’t stick, but I have one more shot, and I will try again in a couple months.
I have a three year old, so in growing our family, I have had to start talking with her about where babies come from. This book (corysilverberg.com/what-mak... has officially become her favourite, and I highly recommend it to anyone starting the explanation phase of this process. She is also super interested in watching medical videos on YouTube re: fertilization/gestation/child birth intended for medical settings. Unusual I am sure, but it’s been an important reminder for me that this stuff isn’t automatically strange and awkward, we are just socialized to believe that, and so early shame prevention is key! 🙃
Re: donor regrets, I haven’t experienced much of that, maybe for a couple moments here and there, but nothing too troubling. I was fortunate that my donor had childhood and adult photos and tons of personal and medical info in his profile. I felt like he was someone I would have been attracted to in real life, so that kind of put a more “natural” lens on a pretty unnatural situation. I’ve been super happy about my decision, my toddler is a really great kid and very healthy.
It’s a really tough thing to go through especially on you’re own. I’ve been through it and was extremely lucky it worked first time using a donor but the whole IVF on my own was a rollercoaster on my own 😢. It was so worth it and now I have a 13 month old little boy.
I’ve had similar concerns to you, but figure I will tell him everything and hope he will understand and know he’s so loved by me and my family/friends. I definitely don’t feel as anxious about it now as I did going through it, he takes so much of my time I don’t think about it.
Hope it all works out for you, and if it’s meant to be with your relationship that works but I’m sure you’ll be an awesome mummy either way.
Hi, I did this solo and am blessed with a gorgeous incredible 15 month old boy by a donor.
Yes it is scary as hell but I found once I was pregnant I pretty much forgot about the fact he was a donor baby and then the pregnancy stresses take over!
Everyone I’ve told has been great about it and many people say good on you for going for your dreams. Even if they were negative I think sod them as I have the one thing I’ve always wanted so what do I care what they think!
All I can see is the similarities of how my baby looks like me and my family members. Maybe he has some features like the donor but I’ll never know.
The biggest concern is how it will impact on my wee boy later in life. I hope he is brought up surrounded by so much love that he will not feel he is missing out but who knows.
I have started writing a photo story book for him about his origin story with details about my life before, how I knew I wanted to be a mum, all the love I had to give even though I hadn’t met someone and fallen in love, how and why I chose the donor I did and details about him. I hope it will one day help him make sense of it all.
At the end of the day no one knows what will happen when they have a child. Parents divorce, leave, die and children cope. As a primary teacher I know many incredible children who come from a wide variety of family set-ups and have seen how they adapt and thrive without the worries you might expect. I think it is getting rarer for children to come from the traditional family of mum and dad so it’s not as if they will be the only one in the playground who doesn’t have a dad around.
The fact you are doing this alone and worrying about these things says you are going to love a baby with all of you heart and that is all they really need.
My ex sounds exactly like your fiancé! Never bothered about me or committing to a family. I’m doing it alone and I’ve had the first blood test which confirmed 4 wks 1 day pregnant!! The realisation is just sinking in .... I think it’s going to be a rollercoaster of emotions - but it’s something I’ve wanted forever so I’m trusting that life will work out for the best now if I just stay calm and I’ll have to deal with people’s reactions, prejudice and rise above it! I’m certainly feeling awash with both excitement but there’s such a lot of fear of the unknown too!! 🥴 x
I’m doing this alone too - just waiting to do my transfer but just wanted to say the people I have told I am doing this have been nothing but positive and excited for me - although yet to tell my parents yet 🙈but anyway, hopefully you will have happy, supportive reactions like I have ☺️ xxx
Thank you!!! 😊 I’m just processing it all but am happy!!! My best friends have been amazing, my siblings and Mum too. I’ve only had one close friend turn her back on me - I remember showing her this forum and she was horrified!! Haha 🥴🙈
I will watch your progress and be happy to support you as I’m sure our journey will be different to others but will still be amazing!! Xxx
Ps Did you see this about Natalie Imbruglia too, she used a sperm donor:
Ah it’s so lovely! Great you have only had one negative response which is still a huge shame but I don’t think people quite get the longing we feel. My mum will worry so I’m holding off telling her until I hopefully get a positive result as I think before then will stress me too much. I’m sure once the baby is here she will be happy for me but she is a worrier which I understand.
Thanks so much! Hoping to have my transfer by Feb 🤞can’t wait now ☺️I’ll be following your journey and supporting you too!
Ahh that’s so lovely! It’s really becoming such a common thing now! Xxx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Anyone every used donated embryos? 
Anonymous or non-anonymous donors? What is the right thing to do? 
Donor Eggs
Donor egg treatment
