How do you share your diagnosis with your parents?

[MofM]

If there is one person in the world that wants me to have a child more than myself, this is my father. In one week, he will turn 70 and I am due home to wish him 70 more healthy years.

When I got a BFP at the end of May, I tough that this would have been the best present, however, an ectopic pregnancy followed by an emergency surgery to remove my right tube and a diagnosis of hydrosalpinx on my left tube, forced me to go for a plan B and buy him a FitBit instead.

How do you tell this to him, without scaring or stressing him, or breaking his hearth? He knew that we were struggling a bit to conceive (2 years trying) but I did not tell him about my first ectopic at the start of 2017, and nothing of this last development.

Thanks for your support!

[Kyell2]

It’s a tough one isn’t it.

I would say if you think that you need his support then tell him...unless you think it will really upset him.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with him so maybe talking to him would really help.

This infertility thing is so tough on the potential grandparents too. My mother in law is desperate to be a grandma and her daughter has given up after 3 unsuccessful IVFs and her son (my OH) is infertile. She volunteers at her local school and toddlers groups now and it’s just heartbreaking 😔

[MofM in reply to Kyell2]

Hi Kyell, thanks for answering, you made a very useful point and I will reflect on it.

I really believe that this will upset him: I am his favourite, and knowing that I am struggling, went to an emergency surgery & Co will surely stress him. He is also the kind of person that wants to offer a tangible support and here there is not much he can do (there is nothing my partner and I can do!) so this will just make him struggle more -- also considering that we live in two different countries.

On the other hand, he will ask and I can't just dismiss him with the "we are trying" I used so far. Yeah, we are trying, but on a completely different scale and situation. I feel like lying

[Hidden]

We didn't share our struggles with family.....but everyone has a different relationship and you have to do what feels right for you.

I just wanted to wait until I had some good news. It was also for selfish reasons as I couldn't handle all the questions and dealing with their dissapointments....

Maybe he would like to share the news and help support you.....

Best of Luck.

Xxx

[MofM in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much for your answer.

At the start, I also did not want to tell him anything (my partner has called all his close family on the same day of the diagnosis, while my father and brother don't have the smallest clue). I am worried that he will worry and get stressed and, in turn, stress and worry me even more.

Being in two different country helps in keeping things secret, however, now I am going home and I am not sure how I will react to his face-to-face questions on children (so far I cry and it is not a good thing to do), and perhaps being open and honest will be better.

After reading all the suggestions here I was thinking of going mid-way, saying that we saw a doctor, and that we may need extra help, without giving him more details (including surgeries, which will scare and worry him to death)

[Hidden in reply to MofM]

Yes I agree mid way is a good solution.

And if you think it is easier limit the details as you say.

You are being very kind and thoughtful.

Good Luck xxx

[MofM in reply to Hidden]

I just hope he will not ask more questions

The main issue is that I will be arriving home on the 18th, and on the 19th I am seeing a consultant there (sorry to say so, but NHS treatment has been awful, quiet approximate, and very disrespectful, so I want to see a "real" doctor) and I don't really know how to hide this. I could stay at a friend's place and just show up on the 19th but that sound very naughty!

I will see, but thank you very much for answering!

[KB11]

It is a difficult one, I've not told my family as I didn't want them to be worried or upset for us. Of course people make comments about us having kids but I brush it off or change the subject.

With my dad I feel like he would be upset if he knew we were struggling and this journey is hard enough without having to worry about other people's feelings.

Soon hoping to share good news though x

[MofM in reply to KB11]

Hi, thanks for sharing your experience. As I was answering to EB2001 above, at the start, I also did not want to tell him anything since I am worried that he will worry and get stressed and, in turn, stress and worry me even more.

Perhaps I will go mid-way, saying that we saw a doctor, and that we may need extra help, without giving him more details.

I wished I could give him good news soon but I see these so far that I feel like fooling myself (still waiting to know what will happen to my left tube, waiting for the surgery, recovering, and then enter the IVF "adventure") . Good luck!

[Autumnmoon]

If you want to tell him I would do so he loves you and would be sad that you have had so much to go through but would want to have the chance to fully support you he will sense that you are suffering so at least if he could understand why it means you can have honest talks x

[MofM]

Thanks for your answer.

Mostly, I am worried that he will worry and get stressed and, in turn, stress and worry me even more, plus I don't want to break his heart. On the other hand, I feel like lying, and I wished I could tell him the truth

[Sweets1]

Hi, I didn’t tell anyone when we started going to appointments, then we realised things were not going to be easy so my husband and I decided to tell our parents only. My parents are very good as they are both in the know, but even if they weren’t I think they’d be supportive and want me to share. I’m sure if you tell him he will only want to help and support you , good luck xxx

[MofM in reply to Sweets1]

Hi, thanks for answering! I also think that he will be super-supportive, he has always been and always will be, but I do not want to break his heart as well, especially because we live far away. Currently, I think that going mid-way, saying that we saw a doctor and that we may need extra help, without giving him more details would be the best option.

[sarahharas]

I did not tell anyone in my family and I just ignored all comments so far. However, last week I was on a family trip back home (my husbands family) and his aunt was touching my belly, asking if she should start knitting baby clothes. I said no, and she went on. Two seconds later I bursted out in tears and ran away. This situation was aweful! The whole family was around and nobody said anything. For the rest of the party I always had a glass of wine in my hand just to make sure that no further questions are coming.

But, later on I talked to her and explained everything and to my big surprise she told me that she struggled the same! They were TTC for 4 years (with the whole programme through IVF) and just giving up when it happend.

The major point for me is to realize thar it is not your fault! and when you have a good relation to your dad, I am sure he will understand and support you. IT will probably also deepen your relationship.

Good luck with everything.

[MofM in reply to sarahharas]

Sorry to hear your story and glad you clarified with her.

My father took seven years to have me, to discover that my mother had some kind of STIs: one week of antibiotics and she was pregnant with me. Therefore, surely he will relate with the pain of the TTC phase, but, on the other hand, no magic pill will work with me, and I don't want to give him false hopes or to break his heart with no hope at all.

But you are definitely right, this will only deepen our relationship.

[Elynn]

He loves you, he’s your Dad and even tho he’s almost 70, it’s still in his job description to worry a bit. He’s seen a lot of life, has gained a lot of wisdom by now and probably has his own ideas about what’s going on. Don’t hold back, let him in and give him the opportunity to be there for you. 😊

[MofM in reply to Elynn]

Hi Elynn, thanks for answering. Your words are very wise, and the "job description" made me smile :))

I am now convinced that the best thing to do is to tell him. Perhaps not all, I don't want to make him suffer and worry more with the details of the emergency surgery (thinking or the job description now) and the difficulties of IVF, but to share is right. As I was mentioning in my answer to sarahharas above, my father took seven years to have me, therefore, surely he will relate.

[Hidden]

It’s a difficult one.

For me I needed the support of my mum behind me; she doesn’t truly understand “the full impact “ but has been there for me throughout this journey including my miscarriage. I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

There have been occasions where I have felt guilty for “off loading” to her and have worried how much it maybe affecting her. I can relate to what you are saying. She says “she’s my mum and she’s always going to worry about me!” I think she would’ve known we were keeping something away from her and actually I think that might have hurt her more.

It depends on the relationship you have it sounds like you and your Dad are close and I think he would want to be there for you and I’m pretty sure he knows something is going on.

Perhaps write a list of pros and cons to help you make a decision.

All the best with it xoxo

[MofM in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jess, thanks for sharing your experience.

Yep, I think that sharing and making him part of this is the right thing to do, after all, he is my father. On the other hand, while "he’s my dad and he’s always going to worry about me” I don't want to over-worry him (I am worried that his worries will stress and worry me even more, if this makes sense!) and I think I will give him a "lighter" version, saying that we saw a doctor and that we may need extra help, without giving him more details.

[Hidden in reply to MofM]

That sounds like a good plan.

I do that too; although my mum knows if I’m upset or worrying can’t fool her 😆

It is nice for you to have that support around you especially with someone that loves you so unconditionally. This journey can feel lonely at times xoxo

[MofM in reply to Hidden]

Well, we live in two different countries, so fooling him is somehow easier