I have felt for a while that I just needed to speak anonymously & share how I'm feeling with other people & it's taken me a while to be brave enough to write it all down. I've been very good at smiling & pretending everything is fine & that I'm coping but secretly I'm not. We have been trying to conceive for about 10 years I've been through all the tests and had a year on Clomid before starting my first cycle of IVF. They recommended the short flare treatment for me as they said I needed an aggressive therapy. My scans were fairly hopeful as a produced a few follicles but unfortunately when it came to the egg collection there where none. My consultant felt that there was no where else to go unless we wanted to go down the egg donation route. We considered it for a while but I just couldn't get past the thought that I wanted my own genetic child. I felt that maybe adoption or fostering maybe something to consider but my husband wasn't keen & prefered the egg donation idea. We reached a bit of a stale mate & decided that we would try to make the best of things as a couple with nice holidays, buying a puppy etc. It's been a year since that decision & We have been on a trip of a lifetime in the summer but I can't escape the feeling of emptiness & alone that keeps over taking me. I have always been so positive in my out look on life & have lots of lovely friends but they all have had or are having babies & each time I go to another baby shower I feel a piece of myself is being chipped away. Every time some one says that I'm so strong & brave I can feel myself wanting to disolve into the ground as I feel like a fake. I lost my Mum with cancer just before we started the fertility battle and my family seems to have separated out a lot since then which Adds to the feelings of isolation & being alone. I guess I just want to share how I'm feeling with other people that truely understand & know I'm not going crazy.