Just need to explain.

I have felt for a while that I just needed to speak anonymously & share how I'm feeling with other people & it's taken me a while to be brave enough to write it all down. I've been very good at smiling & pretending everything is fine & that I'm coping but secretly I'm not. We have been trying to conceive for about 10 years I've been through all the tests and had a year on Clomid before starting my first cycle of IVF. They recommended the short flare treatment for me as they said I needed an aggressive therapy. My scans were fairly hopeful as a produced a few follicles but unfortunately when it came to the egg collection there where none. My consultant felt that there was no where else to go unless we wanted to go down the egg donation route. We considered it for a while but I just couldn't get past the thought that I wanted my own genetic child. I felt that maybe adoption or fostering maybe something to consider but my husband wasn't keen & prefered the egg donation idea. We reached a bit of a stale mate & decided that we would try to make the best of things as a couple with nice holidays, buying a puppy etc. It's been a year since that decision & We have been on a trip of a lifetime in the summer but I can't escape the feeling of emptiness & alone that keeps over taking me. I have always been so positive in my out look on life & have lots of lovely friends but they all have had or are having babies & each time I go to another baby shower I feel a piece of myself is being chipped away. Every time some one says that I'm so strong & brave I can feel myself wanting to disolve into the ground as I feel like a fake. I lost my Mum with cancer just before we started the fertility battle and my family seems to have separated out a lot since then which Adds to the feelings of isolation & being alone. I guess I just want to share how I'm feeling with other people that truely understand & know I'm not going crazy.

22 Replies

  • I am so sorry to hear about your journey through Ivf. Its not easy and only those going through this will understand. I totally know how you feel me and my partner have been trying for 5 years now and I don't know how I would feel if after a few more years we still have no luck. You have to take each day as it comes and make the most of it. I personally avoid any conversation with friends and family to do with this subject they can sometimes be very insensitive without even realising. wish you all the best.

  • So sorry to hear about your struggle, and a shame about the IVF, we have been trying for 2.5years I feel the same about all friends and family having babies - I don't go to baby showers - it's just too upsetting! I have found support on here, fertility friends forum & intsagram (I have a ttc account) I agree with ashley1906 that people who

  • Are going through it do understand, it is a lonely journey - and a really hard one, my mate has gone for a donor egg - a tough choice I know but maybe something to still consider - you would grow the baby and give birth so they would be yours xxxx

  • Hi Clairey8,

    I just wanted to say that you're not alone, we're all here to listen and well done for writing about how you're feeling with us, we all understand how you feel.

    it sounds like you can't shift that feeling understandably, have you spoken to your husband about how you're feeling? Have you investigated those options which both of you don't want to go down? Is it worth looking into them with either adoption agencies or a counsellor in order to know for sure that you don't want to go down either route? Maybe then it will be easier to get some closure. I would recommend a counsellor in all instances though, together and/or separately perhaps?

    I spoke to a friend the other day who gave me a new perspective on adoption and now I know we won't rule it out with talking to agencies. I stumbled across a good blog by an American therapist who has had infertility probs and now has a baby through a donor, again she's made it feel OK for me, but not without its sadness, it's worth a read dontcountyoureggs.typepad.com

    I hope you begin to feel better one way or another.


  • You're dang right. None of us are alone here. We have each other. :) We'll keep trying!

  • Hey lady

    The saying is you are not alone....

    The donor egg scenario is a hope and prayer for us that don't have anywhere else to go. I have had 3 privately funded cycles all fresh and all negative... Each time the blow getting easier as its like your body says no.... My last cycle I swear was then1 but again NO...

    The donor egg route means that your chances are slightly better and you carry and nurture that baby, don't give up on considering it.... My hubby says it's still ours as you grow it and it's his sperm.

    Failing the result we hope for its onwards with our life but do some research and see if it's something you may be able to cope with.

    I wish you well in your journey 😘

  • I can certainly emphasise with your initial reaction to the egg donation. At the beginning of our journey I remember bursting into hysterical tears when I was diagonised with practically no eggs. Two failed rounds of ICSI I knew we were going to have to explore another avenue.

    Those two rounds were emotional, exhausting and unlike anything else. You can't help but alienate people and don't want to socialise as you are not drinking, only really have one main topic of conversation and most def do not want to be anywhere near children or parents of children.

    So fast forward to now. Well as I type I am feeding one of my twin boys. We explored the egg donation route and looked into every possibility and route. It is not for everyone but personally it eventually worked for us. Our hospital works with a clinic in Spain and all the current research shows far more of your DNA passes than originally thought. A piece of advice I use is to imagine a row of street lights all in the dark and through your pregnancy you turn them on one by one.

    My boys are amazing and my husband and I adore them. Through the pregnancy whenever I mentioned they were donor eggs to the medical staff that was batted away as it was immaterial to them now! I wish you all the luck with your choices and just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel about the idea of donation. Don't count it out and very very best of luck x

  • Hello Clairey8

    You really have had a tough journey! I'm not surprised you're feeling low and finding things difficult.

    I would recommend speaking to a counsellor. This was something that really helped me during our journey. It helped me to process all of my thoughts and feelings. One thing I definitely learned is that the worst thing you can do is try to bottle them up!

    After counselling you may decide that you will continue to make a life without children or you may decide that donor eggs, adoption or fostering is an option for you. I don't know the answer but, from experience, I do know speaking to a counsellor can help you move forward.

    Good luck and take care x

  • Speaking to a counsellor is great advice. Thanks for this insight!!! I'm trying myself and will consider this option. Wow. Thank you.

  • You're friends sound like they are right you might not feel strong but the way you have described your story you sound like a strong woman. Is there no way you or your husband would change their minds. My family said having a child isn't everything which made me a bit cross because to me it. Don't give up hope if that's what you really want xxx

  • Hi Girls think I was lucky for want of a better word as they didn't even think own eggs worth a try... my only option was DE IVF. Hubby wouldn't consider fostering or adoption as he works with kids in that situation.

    My need for a baby was immense... and I'd do anything with the same end result. For me it was a no brainer...I was 42 and they used a 24 Yr Olds eggs. We had success first attempt.

    I couldn't love Martha more than I do... In fact I think the struggle we had makes her more special and loved.

    Hope you can come to the decision right for you x

  • Thank you your comments have been very helpful & maybe I need to re think it all.

  • BTW we did it privately due to age and in Prague x

  • Hey, dear Clairey! Do not sound like that! I mean you have to avoid that despair and grief! Most of us here are on the same trouble. We need support each other in order to survive all these dreadful things.

    From what I've read you won't be able be just the couple with smart doggy having nice holidays!.. You're created for more. For me it's so desirable you must not give up. Go on, and on, do not stop. Even though it seems you'll not accept DE ivf at all. Maybe some time for you both is needed? I friend of mine was in the same position as you are. Docs told her DE was the only way out for them to have children. Firstly she suffered much the baby wouldn't be related to her biologically. But when she happened to feel her first pushes in her belly everything came to its place. Only then she realized how mistaken she was.

    We're also struggling fertility issue caused by luteal phase defect. And even don't know for sure where to start the treatment, but one thing is clear we'll go through everything for our family to become expanded.

    A big hug for you x

  • My love I'm so sorry and just want to send you all my love - I really feel for you. You've had a year, perhaps it's time to re-visit your options. A first step might be to get a second opinion on the possible routes to having your own genetic child. One consultant advised against more IVF, perhaps it's worth getting that confirmed before moving on. I also understand how difficult the ideas of egg donation and adoption are - do you both feel any different about it after having a year to reflect? Your feelings are 100% understandable, not at all crazy. I wish this sadness out of your life X

  • Thank you everyone for your thoughts it felt good to express how I feel as been keeping it bottled up. It sometimes feels such an enormous thing to deal with I just try to push it to one side & pretend I'm ok as dealing with it seems impossible.

  • Thank you for not bottling it up!! We will all get what it is we want; families!

  • Ok so these are just my thoughts, having battled infertility, and then being so lucky to conceive with IVF I can honestly say I have felt an emotional range that I never knew possible before this, both highs and lows. If you can get past your concerns about donor eggs I truly think however it came to be, growing a relationship with a baby who is growing inside you would be amazing, your baby would be your baby no matter what, love is love. Just my thoughts, for what they are worth. Good luck whatever path you choose for here.xx

  • Hi clairey8. Firstly, I'm so sorry you're even here with us. It bleeping sucks sometimes!

    I don't have an egg issue (male spermicidal antibody issue for us), but we've been trying a decade also now. We thought we'd cracked it with icsi, but twin one lost early on, and our little daughter was born too soon due to placental abruption in July. So yet again, we grieve with no baby to hold. We looked into adoption several years back, wasn't a positive experience if I'm honest. But honestly, I want my fiancés baby. Seems silly even saying that considering how much we want to be able to care for a child together, but it's true. I want to look into our little one's eyes and see his. We may never get that, and I do understand that, but it doesn't stop me having hope. However, for me, having a family is more important than that hope, so if adoption is our next option then so be it and I'll be the best adoptive mummy I bloody well can be! One way or another, we're having a family. I've just finished norethisterone for a few days to delay my cycle for a bit. All being well, we start next round of icsi on Monday. I'm petrified. I know I should be happy and excited and full of faith. But that's hard. I'm still doing it, I'm aware I have very little control over it really, but doing what I can control.

    Just picking up on the other lady's advice on counselling. For me personally we were never offered it before last year, wish we had been. It's a long time to go with bottled up feelings, and infertility is in many ways a grief in its own right, so I not only don't blame you for feeling this way but also, I get it. Like I said, it sucks! Professor macklon from our clinic recently published a study showing how a caring mother passes her dna onto her unborn child as she carries the child, even in surrogacy situations which kind of amazes me. If you carry the child, you have more in common than just being a oven for them 😉. That fact still blows my mind.

    Whichever way you eventuall choose to go, I send with you lots of baby dust and hugs. I hope you get the support you both need now and in the future.

    Love to you both xx

  • Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your situation & I'm so so sorry to hear what's happened to you & can only imagine the intensified grief you both must have & are still going through having conceived and carrying your babies. I really hope that everythung goes to plan this time & im not surprised you are feel good terrified. I think I just need to get that hope back for a happy future with or without a family. We did try one counselling session but it was only a week after the failed egg retrieval & I just sat like a rabbit in headlights as felt it was to early on to make any decisions. Maybe it is something to re visit to work out exactly what we want as I think I have been to scared to admit how much I want to be a mum. Thank you again & have everything crossed for you this time x

  • Hi Clayrei8! I do understand exacly what you are going through. We have almost the same problem but on our case it is my husband. We decided to go with the sperm donor. We had already 1 failed ICSI cycle. This month we are going to try again. We are from Romania and all our family it is there. My parents don't know yet about this and they are always asking me when are we going to have a baby? The same question like all the friends and relatives. The question I hate the most. I think the best option it is to talk about it and to make a decision about this. We thought that if we don;t try with a donor maybe we will always think about this : what if it would have worked?

    And we said we will give it a go and if it is meant to be it will be if not at least we know we have tried all our options. And we will take it from there what we are going to do next.

    It is hard I must say to use a donor, because this idea it is messing with your head. But we thought that if it is going to work at least it is going to be half our baby.

    You can try counceling as well. you can go together and talk about this.

    Goodluck to you!

  • This is not easy. But it IS easier to do this together. I'll keep trying for my family until I can't any longer!

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